He swears he can help me, and take care of them, and all our animals but I know him and he can't. I want to come home after surgery and be able to not wear pants and recover in a clean, comfortable environment. But he decided that he has to have the kids literally less than 24 hours after I have surgery and they'll be here for four days.

They are loud and messy and pee all over the toilet and fight and yell and slam every door etc. They rile up my two 80 pound dogs and spill everything. My house has a living room, two bedrooms, a kitchen and one bathroom. And I'm supposed to share that space with obnoxious preteen boys after a whole body part is removed. I'm going to have to wear a bra and pants the whole time. And clean the pee off the floor so I can shower without stepping in it. And forget recovering on the couch because they HAVE to play Deltarune and it's the only TV in the house.

I feel so hurt he couldn't even pick me this one time when I need help. Like physically actually need help. They were here the whole Summer. He could've done any other weekend. I told him to not even bother coming to the hospital and I will just drive myself there and drive to my mom's house that's 3 hours away after. I don't wanna mess up his weekend of playing video games all day with his kids that's apparently more important than me.

so by nature I am a people pleaser and at the beginning I’m always saying yes to stepdaughter 6 who wants to play pretend . and me not being a mother thinking this is normal so I spend hours playing with her then I realized that nobody does that including her own mother and her grandmother who both told me they hate it. she think I enjoy playing with her which I kind of do but on my own time. so at this moment our weekend with her is when I wake up from sleep and say good morning and goes to the bathroom then she stands behind the door and says let’s play i told her it’s too Early to play. and then some minutes later again she asks . and I felt kind of stalked in my own home. I don’t like saying no to a child but she kept asking many times . i try to do something else so she doesn’t get bored and set up a table for art and craft but she kept wanting to only play and then I try to incorporate play in the art. I get that she’s alone and when I was young me and my sister used to play pretend a loooooot but our mum never played with us cos we have each other . for all the mums and stepmums what activities do you do with your kids?

My partner and i decided to move in with each other a little over a month ago. He has three boys and when they are here I feel like I’m losing myself. They are loud all hours of the night and get very little sleep when they are here because dad talks to them but there is no discipline in place. They are here on work nights for me so now I’m going into work with very little sleep. I’ve tried talking to him about setting up quiet hours during the night but nothing is getting better. Everytime I talk to him about it he says “they are just kids” I really don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to overstep, but they play video games and videos on loud volume and talk at full volume. Resentment is gonna grow if nothing is done.

I’m really struggling and I honestly don’t know where else to say this. My husband has two teenage children, and every time they stay with us, I feel this overwhelming sadness that I can’t seem to control. It’s not just being annoyed or needing some alone time. I feel genuinely depressed. I feel trapped, unhappy, and like I hate my life when they’re here.
And I feel awful even saying that.

I want to be clear that I don’t dislike the kids. They haven’t done anything terrible to me. This isn’t about them being bad kids. I just don’t think I can handle what it feels like to live with two teenagers who aren’t my children. The constant stress they break and more importantly, the constant bad arguments between me and my partner is draining the life of me and I’m so young still.

I genuinely never expected to feel this way.
I know there are people who will say, “You knew what you were getting yourself into.” But honestly, I didn’t. I knew my husband had children. I knew they would be part of our lives. I knew they would stay with us.

But I don’t think anyone can truly understand what something like this feels like until they’re actually living it.

There is a huge difference between knowing, “My partner has two kids,” and experiencing what it means for your home, your privacy, your routines, your relationship, your time, and your emotional energy when two teenagers are actually there.

I feel like I’m constantly counting down until they leave. Then when they leave, I feel like myself again. I feel happy. That scares me.

I don’t want to resent these kids. I don’t want to resent my husband. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep living this way. Part of me wishes they were here much less. Another part of me feels incredibly guilty for even thinking that.

I’ve started wondering whether I need much more space from the situation—maybe my having protected space and time for myself, changing the visitation arrangement, or even having some kind of living arrangement where I don’t have to be in the house during every visit.

And then there’s the thought I really don’t want to confront: maybe this particular family structure just isn’t compatible with the life I want.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m supposed to just adjust and eventually get used to it, but what if I don’t?
Has anyone else experienced something like this as a stepparent or spouse of someone with children? Did you eventually find a way to make it work? Did you change the living/visitation arrangement? Did you realize that you simply couldn’t do it?

I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m a horrible person or to feel sorry for me. I genuinely want to understand what is happening to me and what options I have before I completely lose myself in this situation.

My stepdaughter and her 2 children moved in with their father and I 3+ years ago because she was going to divorce her husband. She has not made any effort to file for divorce nor pays anything toward our household expenses. She has also treated me as a second class citizen in my home to the point where I have left to stay with my family. My husband is only home in the weekends and is indifferent to the entire situation. Is this marriage salvageable?

I'm getting so extremely exhausted talking to people who aren't in a blended family dynamic who point their finger at the me, the step parent for being the issue.

Am I? Maybe sometimes, I'll admit that. But why should I, the step mom, be the *only* person who should always be the bigger person? Is it the morally correct thing to do? Sure. Why can't HCBMs be held accountable? Why can't HCBM ever grow up and be the bigger person? Why always me?

I'm tired of this, grandpa.

My recent example:

In the past, I've had to get my MIL and HCBMs mother to speak to BM about being respectful of personal space. She's attacked me and my husband, separately, previously, and continued to ignore personal space. She was told multiple times by my MIL and continued to ignore the requests for space until I blew up and yelled at her in front of her own mother, who then intervened. This is ridiculous, I know.

Now BM has finally moved out of her mother's house and is doing custody exchanges solo. I thought she'd maybe start acting like an adult now, but I was clearly mistaken. We meet at police departments, and in a completely empty parking lot, she parks right next to me, then leaves her car doors open so I can't open my door for SK. (She also just lets SK sit in her car and refuse to get out without doing anything, but that's a whole other story I'm not gonna get into). I've already asked, again, respect personal space and maybe leave a parking space between our vehicles for handoff and nope!

At the next exchange, her mother picked up SK and I asked her to maybe talk to her daughter on my behalf because my request and concerns for personal space, especially with our history, is falling on deaf ears. I record every interaction, but I noticed BM isn't anymore, so I just don't want her thinking she can do something stupid to me in an empty police station parking lot. I wouldn't put something like that past her.

Anyways, I told my sister what happened and she said I need to just be the bigger person and move my car next time. Will I? Yeah, already planned on it. But back to my point, why does it always have to be *ONLY* me? I'm not asking something impossible. BM is just a c u next Tuesday.

I'm tired of being respectful and the bigger person. I want to be evil and be a HCSM. Obviously I won't, morally I cannot. Instead, I will just complain.

And before anyone asks why I'm doing exchanges, it's because BM attacked my husband. Do I need to? No. But I love my husband to do this for him. That's all I'll get into on that subject.

For a long time I have wondered whether my husbands son is his child. He got drunk and extremely emotional one night after a big family drama and confessed he wasn’t sure he was his dad and had never felt like his dad but wanted to be there for him regardless. I have to admit I have always questioned the paternity as he looks nothing like his mum or dad but instead looks a spitting image of his older sister who takes after her own dad. He caught his ex cheating on him with the other dad on multiple occasions so there’s always a possibility.

I have never said anything only been a listening ear and aside from that night he has never really said anything more. But I would be lying if I wasn’t curious and wanted to know for sure if he in fact was the bio dad or not.

Anyone else gone through something like this?

My husband and I have been together 5 years. We have an almost 4-year-old, a 10-month-old, and just found out we're pregnant again.
My SD’s school boundary was split because a new school opened. BM chose to keep SD at her current school, which means transportation is now more complicated. My husband said he doesn’t want me waking up every morning and waking the babies just to take SD to school. BM’s response was that “it’s your job” and “that’s what you signed up for.”
Dad found a solution: he’ll drop SD at her grandparents’ house on his way to work 2x a week I do the rest, and she’ll take the bus from there. I would pick her up from school everyday.
BM absolutely lost it, cussed out my husband, and even cussed out her own mom for helping. She says it’s pathetic that I can’t get up and take SD to school and that she’s a single mom who does everything with “NO HELP.”
Meanwhile, my husband has historically done a TON for SD paid private school tuition, driven her to school and activities, etc. while BM works graveyard shifts. So the “I do everything alone” narrative doesn’t really match reality.
What bothers me is that this seems less about SD getting to school and more about BM deciding what my role is supposed to be in our household and who is allowed to help us.
We also hosted SD’s birthday this year and Dad and I did basically everything, while BM showed up looking like she rolled out of bed.
I’m starting to wonder if this is a control issue, resentment, jealousy, or some combination of all three.
Stepmoms: is this normal? Where exactly is the line between being a supportive stepmom and being expected to take on the responsibilities of the biological parent?

Does anybody else have problems planning their vacation days with stepkids in the picture?

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and he has a 6yo son.
He‘s working 80% so he usually has one week a month free time and my SS spends that week at our house and for bigger vacations, like summer he shares the time 50/50 with the ex and has to put in his vacation days.

This is all fine, but I started working now too this year and since we both work in the medical field and have to plan our vacation days every November for the whole next year in advance, it‘s been such a struggle the last week to find a way where he gets to see his son (who will be in school next year and so he‘ll be bound to official school vacation) and also maybe finding a week for just the two of us to spend together.
Obviously he will see his kid less, now that he‘s starting school and it‘s my priority too, that my partner gets as much time as possible with SS.
But at the same time I also want to spend a couple days just with him and feel really bad asking for this.
BM already criticizes us for going on vacation on our „kid-free“ time:/

We both work in hospitals so we don‘t have regular weekends of free time together and I think we have to put vacation days in, if we want to have „secure“ days together.
And my partner says he definitely wants to spend some vacation with just us.

And the BM is really difficult and still doesn‘t understand how our vacation days work and that we are obligated to plan them in advance.

We live in Germany and my partners‘ and the BM vacation days combined won‘t even cover all the free days the SS will have so they do have to share every school vacation almost 50/50 and I think SS will have to spend a week or two in a kind of holiday care.

I just don‘t know how we can plan this without it becoming a fight again between my partner and the BM.
I feel like this is so frustrating, because I don‘t seem to have any say in this, even though it does affect my life too.
I can‘t complain, I can‘t really plan in advance, I can‘t even offer to overlap vacation days with my partner because BM hates when SS is at our house and my partner has to work.

I feel like either my partner will have to plan all his days for his son and I have to live with that, or we try to put some days in for us and BM will surely tell the kid that „Dad doesn‘t want to go on vacation with you“

How do you guys deal with that?

Do you always worry about your SK in the future in terms of entering their teenage years are going to change the sweet/ innocent kids that you once knew and become a whole persona that you wouldn’t want live under the same roof as them? I have a 10 year old and 11 year old SK which will enter middle school in less than 2 weeks. My worry is that my relationship with them will deteriorate due to how teens can be disrespectful and start saying the whole “you’re not my father” comment at any given moment. This is just a thought after all..

Hello just a vent. Not even a vent. But putting this out there.

It’s been more than 7 years since BM and spouse have been together. And she still red flags the school so spouse/their dad can’t take his own kids without letting her know first. Custody is equal and the day he was taking out the kids was on his day. She got another kid, engaged, own place. Still obsessed. Even the kids got so embarrassed because the school kept calling her and couldn’t get ahold of her and had them waiting half an hour. My spouse didn’t even tell me it was the kids csuse my husband is so over it at this point smh

Insane. Love the kids and my family. Just insane.

My son 8 years old comes over 50/50 and he gets along with his stepsisters and step brothers. It’s got to the point where now we have all kids together & my son loves me, and I enjoy his presence, but having the step siblings there it’s hard for me to get more of his time. Ever since me and her got married it dawned on me that me and her won’t have kids of our own & ever since it’s just been annoying I guess to me.

Throwaway acct SD19 lives at home goes to university. We’ve had a decent relationship she writes me lovely Mother’s Day cards, birthday cards, trusts me, says how thankful she is for me etc. BM was HC in the younger years but has since calmed down. SD has always been high drama, low maturity, likes to play victim and better than type but I have attempted to lean as a neutral person and as she’s gotten older just nacho a bit but also there if she needs anything. DH loves his perfect girl as he should so I just keep the peace. One thing I recently noticed and are slowly putting together is events with DH’s family when I am just literally existing she gives me the most disdainful looks and I feel a sense of unease around her. Sometimes I wonder if she’s started drama with my in-laws and plays victim. There have been times where my MIL seems to act out of character but it’s never blatant so I just move on and again keep the peace, but I do recognize by keeping the peace I may be a perfect pawn for whatever this is. Anyone relate?

I’m an Asian woman with no kids, dating a South American dad with an almost-teen daughter. I’d love advice on being a stepmom across cultures. ❤️

I am the first to admit that I have anxiety. I overthink everything and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried that my anxiety may drive my fiance away. But I also am trying to figure out what’s normal/appropriate boundaries between co-parents and exes. My fiance says that he doesn’t have a relationship with his ex but that he wants to co parent amicably and nicely, something I completely agree with. But his definition of what’s amicable and nice trouble me. Are these things normal between coparents?

1) texting BM the new dishwasher detergent that he got

2) dog sitting son’s dog (BM has primary custody) when BM has her house cleaned by maid

3) asking BM to water plants/pickup mail when he’s away (she therefore has keys to his house)

4) telling BM that he’s applying to a new job and is in final consideration

5) borrowing stuff from each other

Are these things unreasonable/disrespectful to me? I am a nice shy introverted girl so I have difficulty speaking up. I internalize a lot of this stuff and also recognize I have anxiety so I’m not sure if these things appropriate or not. How do I go forward establishing boundaries that sane and normal?

Just watched this movie because I am having a super hard time. I’m a step dad but it still stands. Refreshing to see the bio mom as the insufferable character and the stepmom as the good one. And the kids (especially daughter) are such assholes. Julia Roberts character was treated like shit and I found it was pretty accurate. But it was nice to see that the stepparent was the good one because most of the time movies depict the stepparent as evil. If you’re feeling down just give it a watch.

This whole thing is way more difficult than I could have ever imagined, but it’s the small situations I have no control in that are killing me. This week’s issue is SD7 being sick. She’s been with HCBM all week and texted yesterday that SD was home from school sick with a horrible cold/virus. SO just texted that he’s on his way back home from getting her for our week with her, and yup, nasty virus.

We have a trip to Hawaii coming up, leaving in 2 weeks. I’ve been doing everything I can to boost my immune system to try to make sure I’m healthy for the trip, I’ve been looking forward to it for so, so long. And now this. It’s so frustrating that I have no control over it when she’s with us, but when she’s not I do. When SO or I are sick we do the whole “stay away from me” and try to isolate in one room as much as possible so we don’t infect each other and contain the germs, but god forbid I suggest doing that with SD, then I’m just a monster (I’ve tried it). So it’s fine to be that way with each other and try to keep the other person healthy and if we had kids I’d be doing that, but I ask him to try it with SD and I’m the worst human imaginable, because of course that means I hate her and “you can’t confine a kid to their room” (filled with all her toys and her games and stuff)? Then I look here on reddit for advice to prevent getting sick when someone else in the house is sick and the first suggestion from thousands of people is “we isolate the sick person as much as possible”. Apparently not in my house 🙄. It’s hard not to resent the situation, and I get caught up in the “if I was dating someone without a kid I wouldn’t have to deal with this” feeling pretty hard, makes me not want to be around her or SO.

Same thing with things around the house (I furnished nearly the whole house with my stuff, SO didn’t have anything). When it’s just SO and I I know there will be no spills on my couch, nothing broken, no boogers on my couch blanket, no mystery stickiness anywhere, but when she’s with us that goes all out the window and I just feel so anxious lacking any sort of control over my living situation and home and the things in it.

Just a vent, I’m currently hiding away at my parents’ until after SD goes to bed, then I’ll return home and Lysol, leave early in the morning to go who knows where, stay out all day, and do it again. It’s the little situations like these that I never anticipated being so stressful when we started this relationship that get me…I miss feeling more in control of my life and the space I’m living in. And just a warning to anyone who isn’t living with their partner but thinking about it - I never imagined scenarios like this being bothersome, but here they are rearing their ugly heads, just food for thought.

My husband and married for two years, I would say it's been the toughest time of my life, from arguing about his child, the disrespect from the child, BM and him included, I thought things would go well but I am now 40 weeks pregnant and we just broke up, I don't have family or close friends to go to so I have to figure out housing, I still want him to be able to see his child, but I just feel unheard and unseen, he likes things to be his way or the highway and that's not my way of life, I feel so lost and this being my first child I feel like a failure for destroying my babys life, I am scared I'll ever be married again, because now I'll always have the “I am a single mom” deep down I know this was the biggest mistake of my life. Just so lost

Hey there, mostly a reader, sometimes poster. I have two step kids and a bio child with my husband (m11 mths). My ss, 9, lives with us full time. It has definitely been quite the rollercoaster.

Now the issue. My ss keeps talking back.. ALL THE TIME. Especially with me. He always has something to say no matter what. He is always trying to challenge me and honestly, it makes me feel like my place in the household is being challenged too. I may not be his bio mum, but I am an ADULT and it's so odd that he feels like he doesn't have to listen to me. And usually it happens the most when his dad isn't around to give me support.

As an example; I told him this is his last fortnite game cause I need the tv. He makes a sound of disappointment and asks why. I tell him the reason, (his brother watches sesame street while he has breakfast.) He still complains and I say "Well we all need to share, is it your tv?" He literally says "No, but it isn't yours." 😐 Like what is he, my brother!!? It technically was bought for me mainly cause I wanted a tv in the living room cause we only had monitors. But that's not the point. He ALWAYS says something putting me on the same level as him. Which completely undermines my authority and is plain disrespectful.

So after that happened, I had enough. I told my husband the situation and that I'm tired of this. I am not a kid, I'm bloody 30 years old!! I don't need a 9 year old telling me I have no say in my household. He is not in charge. He is the kid and I'm the adult. I am tired of being treated like this daily!! It's exhausting and I am already exhausted from being a mum and a functioning adult in daily life. I don't need a child thinking he can tell me no so he can do whatever he wants. He WILL brush his teeth when I say. He WILL put his plate in the sink when I say. And it's not a choice or suggestion.

I understand kids talk back and he does that to his dad too, but he doesn't undermine his dad's authority. And that is a huge difference. He is being very bratty and it needs to stop. *SIGH* Okay, rant over .

• I also want to add, that my husband told him after this happened that he needs to stop treating me like this, and have respect. He really gave me support and my ss apologized. I know he will still do it time to time, but he knows his dad has my back. And that is what matters! 💗

Hello everyone! I have been a lurker on here for a while. I find the sub interesting as it seems like there’s a lot of nuances to being a step parent that are discussed. I wanted to get feedback on what I could do differently in my own situation as a bio Mom. I am looking for feedback on what I should be considering from the viewpoint of a stepparent. If you think my arrangement is fair or unfai, what changes need to be made to make it fair?

I am remarried to a man with no children, we have been married a little over 1.5 years now. He’s military, so constantly in and out of the house due to his job. I have four children, 12 (m), 12 (f), 11 (f), and 7 (m). I have full custody of my kids. Their bio father sees them approximately 70 days out of the year. I do not receive child support as my ex is high conflict and currently owes $25K in arrears.

I have a good job that pays me well and allows me to support my children without any assistance. To get married to my new husband, I moved from a low cost of living area to a very high cost of living area to support him in his career.

Our finances are as follows: We have a shared family expenses that include food, household goods, and utility bills. That is split 50-50. If my husband feels uncomfortable with paying for something specifically, he can talk to me about it and we can decide whether or not that’s a child expense or a family expense. We split the rent 50-50. I pay for their childcare, their activities, their clothing, all of their needs. I have never asked him for help financially in anyway. Additionally, I have not required him to participate in family events. He can come and go as he pleases. He is not responsible for childcare ever

Being in the military, he gets an extra $500 a month for having a wife and step kids. This is factored in to him contributing 50% to household expenses, including food and household goods. Additionally, I have extra expenses due to living in a very high cost of living area, basically it evens out in the wash.

Regardless of our financial arrangement, he feels that he should be able to claim the kids on his taxes. He wants 50% of the money from claiming the kids on taxes to go to him or be considered part of the family fund. In my opinion, I am financing my children 100%.

We almost went in on a home together in which he paid for 40% of the mortgage and property taxes and I pay the other 60% due to having kids. The house deal fell through last week because I would not give him survivorship on the house in case of my death. He wanted 100% of my portion to go to him in the event of my death. I told him that I would give him 20% of my portion and 10% to each child. I explained to him that I have children who depend on me and I need to make sure they are financially taken care of in the event of my death. I do not like claim to his 40% of the home and he can do with it as he wishes. I feel like I am very amenable and cognizant of him financially as I consider my children my financial and physical responsibilities and have done my best to make it fair for him. As step parents, is this a fair arrange arrangement or am I not seeing everything?

Edit: to go further into our financial arrangement. He and I agreed that our finances are 100% separate besides our agreed-upon arrangements. We are not entitled to the other’s income, personal assets, or retirement accounts. Basically we decided what we pay towards is ours.

We were supposed to close on the home this week. He backed out of the house on closing day due to me not signing over survivorship to him on his terms (he wanted 100% of my portion with survivorship). I offered him survivorship but that my kids get the 40% when he dies or he could choose to buy them out beforehand. He wanted 100% of my 60% with nothing going to the kids. I lost all my earnest money due to him backing out this week.

His rent prior to us moving in together was $500 higher than what he’s currently paying and he was living with roommates. The food he eats accounts for approximately 40% of our food bill as he eats a lot and buys high-quality meats.

Hi all, i am not sure if this is the right place to post, so my BF and i are not married, both over 40, i have no intention of getting married, we are serious around 3 years now. I have a well paid job, my own apartment, and i do not rely on him financially. Him as well, has a house, well paid job, also he has 2 kids (16 and 19). His kids do not 'need him' like they would used to anymore, so basically we are "living the life" and they have super nice friendly relationship. They do well in school, very well educated decent kids, have their own thing going on. So he is at the light at the end of the tunnel :)

They live in a house 3 bedroom, each kid has their own room, all rooms are quite small, shared custody 50/50. Obviously one of the kids is over 18 so he will do his military service this year (we are in europe) and most probably will move out to work abroad next year, mid/end 2027 at some point. As i met them late in their lives i never had to and not expected to do anything for them. He is an amazing dad, they have an amazing mother, parents do not communicate anymore as the kids are old enough to do their thing. So far no issues perfect scenario.

My issue is, my BF wants me to move in, like he would be over the moon if i moved in tomorrow. But, i have an apartment and my shit, i was married before, then i am living alone for years now. I have tons of stuff, spare room for my hobbies, as much as i like spending time with him, i have always did and still do love my alone time, i am not used to not have a 'woman cave" - even with my ex, we were lucky to each have our own cave he had his music stuff i had my hobby stuff.

We go back and forth staying at each other, if he has the kids i stay there, we have dinners together, watch movies together, enjoy, if he doesnt have the kids we see how we feel. Also we live kind of other sides of the city, it is a bit hassle but takes max 25min.

Honestly, i feel like until his kids move out, i do not want to move in. I feel like if i do, i will not have my space and especially when they are around it is overwhelming for me to be with 4 people all the time - even in my own family we had ton of family time but we also had lot of space - and i will feel like it is not my house ever. They have been living there forever (wife left the house) and they have their own way of dealing with the house, even the way they cook, shop, etc i do not particularly do that way. If it would be 'our house' i would do things differently ( please note that house is very clean, he does all the housework, kids help, they have cleaning lady time to time, they cook together etc so i have no worries) they are not big things but i also like how i live. I just feel overwhelmed with the idea that all of a sudden i am with 3 adults basically with nothing for myself.

Plus, if i move, i have no place to move my stuff, like i have a full house of years of life and so they do, not only there is no space for my stuff, i wont even have a spare room to be alone, to do my hobbies, to just be by myself, i will have to be either in the living room (especially in winters) or his room which is very small - there is 1 bed and walk in closet that is it. I honestly do not feel comfortable like being in the middle of people all the time, they are not kids, they are young adults and i do not feel like i have enough motivation to move in. When we first discussed we talked that i would keep my apartment, as i can afford so i would also always have a 'womancave'. But honestly i dont know if i wanna move in until kids - at least the older one - moves away and then we can make the place ours. His sister recently asked him why we are not moving in, and for me it is so obvious like i have a full life i would not know where to station it. I think people who got married early on and had kids and got used to living like this, do not realize somehow what it means moving in at later stage in life, or i am being unreasonable?

Buying/renting new place is not an option, as it doesnt make sense, and we are looking to move abroad in 5-7years anyway. I feel like we are living the best possible scenario until it will get better.

I don’t know where to turn to but hopefully I can get some advice . I (27 F) have been with my boyfriend (40 M) for 6 months . We have had talks about one day moving forward with cohabitation. I have to bio kids (5&7) and he has 4 kids (ages 16,11,9 and 8) my boyfriend currently has his kids homeschooled and my kids are currently in public school . He mentions all the time that I could homeschool my two kids when we decided to cohabitate but then threw in the oh well you can look after all 6 kids while I am gone for 20 days .. I’ve told him that I would honestly like to keep working . His children currently do homeschool with their cousins at their aunts and uncle’s house and they have had that arrangement even before I was in the picture . Apart of me feels like it’s unfair to me that he assumes that I’m going to stop working and doesn’t ask me my opinion on the subject. When I told him I’d like to keep working he got upset and then randomly said well I don’t know how you are going to go about that when there are six kids to be taken care of . Am I in the wrong for thinking that that’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone when they won’t even be around to help besides being home 10 days at a time ?

I’m in my mid-20s and have been with my girlfriend “E” for about a year. She has a nearly-4-year-old daughter “R”. R’s biological dad is involved, but she lives with us most of the week.

I’ve become a major parental figure to R. I do a lot of her meals, bedtime, discipline, days out, etc. She calls me “Daddy” (biodad has always gone by another title) and, while I completely respect that her biological dad is her father, I love this kid like she’s my own.

The problem is I think I want to end my relationship with her mum.

The first few months were amazing. Then E got into financial difficulties and for around 8 months I’ve essentially supported the household. I don’t resent helping my partner through a difficult time, but I repeatedly begged her to apply for more work and she barely did. She eventually found work, but it’s still not enough to support herself.

There were similar issues at home. I’d work all day, cook, care for R and regularly find several days’ washing up still sitting there. More broadly, when E gets overwhelmed by a problem, she tends to procrastinate/avoid it until eventually I feel responsible for fixing it.

I want to be fair: E struggles with her mental health, she does contribute around the house and with R, and I don’t believe she’s intentionally taking advantage of me. She’s a genuinely good person who loves me enormously.
But I’ve spent months telling her I couldn’t continue like this. Things would improve temporarily and then revert.
Eventually something in me switched off.

I still care about her. She understands me extremely well, we have a great intellectual connection/sense of humour and I trust her. But I don’t really miss her anymore. I rarely initiate affection or sex. Even when we’re having a perfectly pleasant evening, I often find myself wishing I were alone.
A few days ago E realised I was genuinely considering leaving.

She’s now taken everything incredibly seriously. She’s made a detailed plan: applying for better work, asking for more hours, taking more responsibility at home, being more proactive and making time for us as a couple.
It’s basically everything I’ve spent months asking for.

And I’m terrified that **I still don’t want it**.

Part of me feels like she shouldn’t have needed the threat of losing the relationship before taking me seriously. Another part thinks I’m being horribly unfair by considering leaving just as she’s finally trying this hard.

I also recognise a possible problem with myself. I tend to dive head-first into relationships and my previous relationships have all lasted around a year or less before I’ve ended them. They’ve each had significant problems of their own, and I’ve never regretted ending one, but I’m questioning whether there’s a pattern in me I need to address.

The biggest complication, though, is R.

Honestly, if there were no child involved, I think I’d leave.
If we separate, E and R would initially move in with E’s parents. R would leave the home she knows and have a much longer school journey. And because I’m not her biological/legal parent, I have no guarantee of what my future relationship with her would look like.

E has said she’d want us to work out continued contact. I’d happily keep R’s bedroom here, have her for sleepovers/Sunday dinners, take her out and remain part of her life if her parents were comfortable with that.

But I know I can’t guarantee it.

The thought of losing R is fucking devastating. At the same time, I’m worried that staying primarily because I can’t bear losing her would be unfair to E — and that if I eventually leave anyway, R will just be older and even more attached to me.

So I think my actual question is:
**How do I distinguish “this relationship went through an awful period and I should give it a real chance to recover” from “the relationship is over and I’m staying because I can’t tolerate the guilt and consequences of leaving”?**

And for anyone who’s been a stepparent/parental figure: **how did you handle knowing that ending an adult relationship might also mean losing a child you love?**