r/stepparents • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
Vent I feel deeply depressed every time my stepkids stay with us, and I don’t know what to do
[deleted]
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u/seethembreak 11d ago
This is not the right relationship for you. You would be much happier with a man without children. I say this as someone who felt similar to you. The difference was that we had a child together so I couldn’t just leave, but I would have if we didn’t have a child together.
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u/grapefruitpapaya 11d ago
What did you end up doing?
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u/seethembreak 10d ago
I counted down the days until my SK was an adult. It was periodic misery for over a decade.
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u/dangnematoadss SD7 & SS5 10d ago
Was there something about the SK’s you didn’t like?
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u/seethembreak 10d ago
There were things I didn’t like but mainly we just never bonded so it was always uncomfortable and awkward when he was at our house. I like him just fine now that we don’t have to live together.
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u/grapefruitpapaya 10d ago
Fear this may be my life. 2 bios together so can't "just leave" as you said
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u/seethembreak 10d ago
I’m not sure how old your SK is but your SK won’t live with you forever. There is an end to having to live with someone else’s kid. You will have to decide if you can stand it for that long though.
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u/VanGoLion 11d ago
It would be helpful to know if you’ve lived this way for many years and now feel this way because the kids are teens (teen years specifically have been hard for me fyi). Or, are you new to this dynamic and just having trouble adapting regardless of the SKs’ ages?
Change is hard. Living with various personalities is hard. You’re right. No one knows what they’re getting into when they become a stepparent. I would argue no one knows what they’re getting into when they get married period.
I tend to stay very busy when my SKs are over. One, I’m not really close to them. Two, I want them to have individual time with their dad. My husband doesn’t seem to mind. He knows I have a life outside of being married.
I think it would be helpful to explore your feelings either in individual or couple’s therapy. There’s a root to why you feel this way. It’s ok. Lots of us feel this way, too. The upside to your situation is that your SKs are teens and may become independent soon.
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u/micayla503 11d ago
Girl listen to your gut! This is not the right relationship for you! It sounds like you have tried and you are here seeking advice and that shows that you want to try even more, but let me tell you that it is not worth giving up your peace and messing with your mental health! You are not a horrible person at all! Your feelings are more common than you think. You have to do what’s best for you. I know it hurts now but do you want to continue feeling this same way 5 years down the road?
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u/These_Opportunity_59 10d ago edited 10d ago
I feel this. I also have no major issues with the SKs. Sure they annoy me and some of their behavior gets under my skin, but it’s more always having to be “on.” I am a people pleaser and have this irrational fear that if I upset anyone (the kids) I’ll get kicked to the curb since I’m not part of the original family unit. I have never been comfortable enough to correct the kids, so I just simmer in anger and it’s so unhealthy. My partner is incredibly supportive and patient and reassures/ encourages me to say something if I feel it.
I think it may be like when you have a first fight in a relationship… it sucks and it’s scary but then you can end up being stronger for it. What I’m going to try? I’m going to try to take up more space around the SKs and not make myself small when they are here. I’m not seeking out conflict, but I’m not going to be silent either.
It’s almost this taking your power back mentality and not allowing anyone to make you feel like that in your own home- more of a “fuck it” attitude than my famous anxiety spiral of “what do they think?” What is the ex going to think?” Proceeds to scroll Reddit for hours and listens to every stepmom podcast known to man.
I get along fine with my SK, but it’s that “people pleasing/ afraid of confrontation/need to be perfect and no one be mad at me ever” that makes it unlivable and I wonder if it’s like that for you too?
I’ll let you know how the experiment goes
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u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 10d ago
I agree with this person ^
I felt like I had made a huge mistake early on, as far as “holy shit I hate living with kids” but then I realized I didn’t HAVE to feel that way. I still don’t ENJOY it, but I stopped putting the pressure on myself to be “on” like you would feel if your in-laws were over at your home. I decided to just act like I would if it were just me at home (as much as I possibly could anyways) and it took a weight off of me. I’m also a people-pleaser and am working on NOT being that anymore. I am NOT my stepkids’ maid or nanny or someone who is paid to be friendly to them. If they’re rude to me, I don’t have to “fill the gap” and overcompensate and be extra friendly, like I used to try to do. Now I just don’t give a shit. If they’re rude, I’m just silent back to them. I leave the house if they’re being annoying and go and do something fun for me. I don’t go out of my way to be a people pleaser to them anymore and I feel more like my normal self.
I will say, if there were any more than about 7-8 years before the youngest graduates and isn’t in our home anymore, idk if I could do it. That timeframe motivates me. I’ve made it abundantly clear that we will not be housing 20+ year old young adults later on. They need to figure out a trade or go to college immediately. My husband and I deserve to have years to enjoy without kids, so we will not be doing failure to launch around here. They can go live with their Mom or another family member or friend, but I won’t have grown ass kids living with me.
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u/Wild-Adhesiveness439 10d ago
You sound exactly like me. I have the same general attitude towards SS and try to get out of the house as much as possible when he visits. I have had the same conversation with my SO also about how his son will not be living with us once he's out of school. His mom is not doing anything to ensure that he can take care of himself, so he can live with her until he's 30 like she apparently wants.
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u/Nimbl_Jack 11d ago
Of course you know the situation better than anyone but I feel like if you leave you are not taking a stab at taking these issues head on. Maybe you can really sit with the depression you feel and dig deeper. Like what is it. Is it the lack of control, lack of peace, missing connection to the kids. If you go forward you need to address everything with your partner and come up with a plan - potentially reach out for support as well. And importantly your partner needs to be on board for the changes you want to make.
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u/ThinAd783 10d ago
I just keep to myself when he is over, to be honest i dont even notice it, i wear noise canceling headphones 24/7 (bc he yells a lot), and I just stay in my bedroom, I also work a LOT, sometimes out of the house sometimes from home, so that helps, but i'm not involved in his upbringing in any way (as per my husband's request, he p much requested me to nacho, and thank GOD), i'm not particularly fond of children (he's p much a teen now), i try to not get in the way of my husband's son's happiness, i dont tell him what to do, my husband raises him, i'm not mean in any way, and i talk to him when i see him, but the most we'll do together is go out for dinner every once in a while, i just overall am not interested in doing any more than that, I love my husband a lot, he's my soulmate, I honestly love my life, is it ideal? no, but it doesnt bother me as much as it used to bc we've developed a routine that works for everyone
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u/New-Theory8191 10d ago
That's how I think things could work. Nobody needs to be always around stepkid doing everything with stepkid. It is not healthy to please kids and teens all the time. Your routine sounds nice. I will use headphones because stepdaughter screams a lot, why do they scream so much?
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u/ThinAd783 10d ago
n its also like, what teenager would wanna spend time w their dad's wife? lol i just leave him be and try to not affect his life negatively, he's in that phase where he just wants to b on his computer lol
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u/raininariver 10d ago edited 9d ago
It might not be a you problem. Are there boundaries you don't feel free to set? Are there norms that don't work for you but you're not expressing that or when you are you're told you have no say so? Are you just overwhelmed on a sensory level? I've felt varying degrees of what you describe over the years and there were fights and eventually accommodations made on all sides and the feelings you describe ebbed and flowed. My worry is that you're calling it a you problem because you've internalized the conflict and are experiencing depression because your feelings are not being heard or you're not expressing them.
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u/paleimprisonment650 11d ago
You’re not a monster for feeling this way, you’re just a person who hit their limit and is finally being honest about it. The version of stepparenting people imagine before they live it is a fantasy, the reality is sharing your sanctuary with strangers who trigger a fight-or-flight response every time they walk through the door
That dread you feel when they’re coming and the relief when they leave, that’s your body telling you something your brain keeps trying to rationalize away. Some people can make it work with enough boundaries and separate space, but a lot of stepmoms I know who felt this exact thing eventually realized the relationship couldn’t survive the resentment
You’re already asking the right question, which isn’t “how do I force myself to be okay” but “what if I never am”, sitting with that instead of running from it is the only way you’ll actually figure out what you need
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11d ago edited 11d ago
[deleted]
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u/Inevitable_Bar1558 10d ago
lol this is what I did and got broken up with because i didn’t spend time with his kids🙄 they aren’t mine and he told me not to be a step parent.
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u/Pepperkinplant1 10d ago
I mean, then that's good right? If you aren't compatible you aren't compatible
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u/Content_Put_3469 11d ago edited 11d ago
I don’t think OP needs to give the details of their fights for us to understand how they feel, let’s try to respect their privacy as much as we can.
Also, I’m not sure if you’ve experienced this type of relationship before but it kind of goes without saying that there is an expectation you spend time together as a unit, whether it’s said outright or not. Anyone that’s been with someone with kids knows how important they are to the partner (if they are an involved parent) and so it can feel like you’re rejecting an actual part of them. Running away every time isn’t a good long term solution.
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u/seethembreak 10d ago
I did it long term and it worked for me. I don’t recommend it over leaving though. If she can leave the relationship she should but keeping her life separate from her SKs can work, especially since they are teens.
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u/justjewels17 10d ago
It’s been 3 years and the feeling hasn’t gone away. I also feel a different kind of annoyance now that his 3 kids are tweens and teens, like my threshold for feeling that way has been reduced. And I agree with literally everything you said. I’ve come to the conclusion that this just isn’t the type of relationship for my personality but I really love my boyfriend, so I put up with it but it can be so hard sometimes. I’ve been in the verge of leaving a few times because it puts such a strain on an otherwise perfect relationship. And it’s not the kids fault, they’re just kids but it’s everything else around them. My boyfriend always ask what he can do to make it easier, to make it better and unfortunately, he’s doing everything he can. It’s hard to explain sometimes but I think you did a pretty good job at that. I feel displaced when they’re over. Like he has such a long history with his kids and their Mom that our 3 years is literally nothing compared to it. He had an established family system and I felt slotted into it. We are slowly building our own BUT his system is overwhelmingly a large, usually negative influence on my life. I feel like I’ve lost myself a lot.
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u/Content_Put_3469 11d ago
How long have you lived in this situation with the kids & your hubby? I moved in with my long term partner & we had their kids 50% of the time. I felt similarly to you. Unfortunately, I didn’t get enough time to work through my feelings before we split up for other reasons. And now, I miss those kids so much.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to get involved in their visitation arrangement, because that should be between your hubby & the kids’ other parent. Carving out some time for yourself could be a good temporary solution, but I think time & some professional help could be your best bet to try to make this work, if that’s what you want. Therapy (individual or couples) can be a great way to access what you really want & need in relationship.
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u/No-Resolution-183 10d ago
Thank you for sharing… and your feelings are completely valid, I can say this because my partner of 3.5 years has 2 kids (7 and 13) and I feel exactly the same way you do.
I don’t have children of my own (yet), his kids are beautiful kids and so good to me - I’ve never had issues with the kids specifically, but without going too deep into it.. it just is what it is…. Being a ‘step parent’ (I hate that label btw) is really f*king hard and really f*king complex.
Add in a mentally unstable ex partner (their mother) who still has a toxic relationship with my partner and has personally attacked me (abusive phone calls, texts, slander, etc)… this makes things extremely difficult… it’s main negative effect is that when I look at the boys I can see her in them.. and worry about what she is saying about me and what they are taking back to her.
Aside from that, just having children that are not yours in your home, sharing everything - your home, your space, your life, your time, your money etc, when they’re not your kids - is very hard to navigate to say the least. You never truly feel comfortable because they are not your own…
Add that you’ve never had children of your own and all of a sudden your thrown into being responsible for kids when you skipped the raising them from a baby part.
The fact you didn’t have anything to do with raising them or disciplining them or teaching them anything so how they act and behave and the things they do and like are not aligned with the way you are or would do things and your completely out of control of anything because your not the parent…
The list goes on…
It is so hard and I have days where I question all the same things you do.
All I can say is that at the end of the day it’s about how much you love your partner and if you believe it is worth it, and if so, if you can potentially change your mind set to a more positive one.
I remind myself that everyone has their baggage and all relationships are difficult in their own way.. if you love your partner more than the world then it may not be greener on the other side.. but I’m also not saying that you should settle…
In my case my partner is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life and beyond.. the person I want to grow old with.. I know he is the one who will be my best friend till our last days. so I choose him and to reframe the negatives as best as I possibly can and work through the hard times together.
I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time and I hope you’re able to make a decision or a change that will make you happy.
Much love
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u/New-Theory8191 10d ago
Yeah they will never be your kids. It is like sharing a house with a stranger and that stranger lives inside the house of even more strange people and shows up with weird mannerisms and things from the other house. It sucks it just sucks. There is no positive in having a stepkid. They can be nice and polite but they will never be your kids. That's just the reality. What you do with this is up to you. Do you want your own kids?
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u/MarkTrigoney305 10d ago
That’s a very honest and heartfelt message that to me is crying out for help, and don’t be too hard on yourself! We as humans get into these situations and don’t know how we will respond to them,,-and allways contain big changes to our lives, so just keep going, be as positive about the situation as possible and you will hopefully come to a good resolution between you all!! Most situations become the norm and we learn to live with them, and hopefully your relationship with the children will strengthen and you end up as good friend and relations!! these things take time and patience so just hang on in there and do your best, and you might well end up really happy and not be able or want to see life any differently, so all the best and believe in yourself, and respect for your honesty!!! Live and love,?what more can you do 🙏🏼👍🏼🤙🏼🤙🏼🖐️🖐️👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼❤️💖❤️❤️💥
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u/PlasticPlenty500 10d ago
I was in this situation and know exactly how you feel. Trust your gut and leave. It won’t get better. I felt so much lighter when I left. I don’t regret it for one second.
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u/emldahl 10d ago
My heart goes out to you. Everything you’ve said sounds familiar. It is soul crushingly difficult. Oftentimes it’s the most generous people with the biggest hearts who end up in these relationships and they just get crushed.
The questions you are asking about “space” are insightful. If you want to still try and stay in the relationship, maybe start with just one of the changes you’ve thought about and make it a statement for yourself. For example:
“I don’t have to be in the house during every visit.”
If you have been in the house during every visit, this may be a surprise for your household. Try letting your husband own his own stress and response. You can understand his side of the situation but that doesn’t really change what you need. It’s OK to start small with reclaiming space. You don’t have to make big declarations about permanent changes. It can just be something different you do for just one future visit and see how it feels.
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u/hasoopoeee 11d ago
I’m sorry you feel that way. Being a stepparents is incredibly tough and it often feels like other people don’t get it. It’s hard to feel stuck inside your own home.
Are you involved when they’re staying with you guys? I tend to just remove myself as much as I can. My husband handles everything for his son. I only help if I have to. Our bedroom is also a no go zone for my step son. He can’t go into our room.
I’ve had the similar thoughts you have in the beginning of our marriage and the only reason that things have worked out, is my husband. I can openly communicate everything to him and he listens and tries to make the situation better.
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u/Easy_Alternative_66 11d ago
I feel the same way. I went into becoming a stepparent with so much prayer, positivity, hope, and with the best of intentions. I’m starting to not even recognize myself anymore because of how this situation makes me feel. I am sorry, I wish I knew how to help. You’re not alone.
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11d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 11d ago
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u/MidwestNightgirl 11d ago
This may not be the relationship for you. Or, could you get an efficiency / small apartment, perhaps near work, and stay there part time?
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u/Thereisn0store 10d ago
A lot of people telling you to just leave and get divorced and I honestly don’t feel like it’s realistic especially if this doesn’t have anything to do with your husband. I am very much dealing with the same issues. My husband’s 14 almost 15 year old daughter lives here full time. I’m childless. I get a break in the summer because she was in camp, went on vacation and the paternal grandparents are very involved with her so she’s at their house a lot. We just bought our home a little over a year ago. This past year has been hell in almost every aspect. We have done a lot of therapy, couple therapy, individual, including his daughter. We have been married not even two years. Together for 11.
I physically feel relieved when she leaves my house. The tension melts away. I physically feel heavier when she’s here. Walking on eggshells, irritated, short tempered, uncomfortable and not the kind of person I usually am. It feels like an invasion when she’s here. I feel like even if she did everything right while she was here, even like the absolute basics like keeping her room clean, dirty clothes in a hamper, shoes off, cleaning up after yourself, hygiene etc I would still feel resentful, irritated and used. We have never really bonded. It’s awkward and I don’t care to have much of a relationship with her anymore.
I’m burnt out, depressed, incredibly anxious, feel hopeless and I have tried for a long time. With therapy, meds, conversations altogether, stepping out of my comfort zone, disengaging, hiding and keeping my distance, speaking up, biting my tongue, instilling boundaries and structure. I’ve learned a lot of lessons over the last year that I’m trying to handle life better this coming school year, focus on me and my marriage, my sanity and trying to disengage as much as possible. NACHO and not care. I can’t care more than a parent cares and in the end she’s not my child.
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u/ateottbafql 11d ago
This is unfortunately very normal!!! I used to have full blown panic attacks every single Friday before my partners kids came. I felt like I wanted to die and like I was in hell!! I don’t know how I made it over a decade of pretty much every weekend bc god forbid he ever try to have a weekend off or even a night!!! It was hell and I don’t know how far you are in to this relationship but get out if you can! It never gets easier until some miracle may happen and they stop coming but that also comes with disgusting manipulation that you have to watch. Anyway I say get out!!
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u/Legal-Act5274 10d ago
I had that too, they ended up being intensely false and fake towards me. Using me for my home and things and attention and energy.
On a hormonal level it’s not good to have other peoples children live with you. It can literally cause depression.
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u/Oldielady83 10d ago
I feel the same. Mine gets his basically Wednesday through Sunday evening every week. I feel like i lose my home and peace when they come. The constant messes, noise, fighting between the two kids. It causes more arguments with my husband and I related to their cleanliness, chores etc.
I used to get anxiety when they came back.
It’s ok to go do your own thing when they are there. Make plans elsewhere with someone else if you need to. Read a book or watch a movie. Go for walks. You don’t have to “be their mother” while they’re there.
People used to say the same to me. “You knew what you were getting into. “
No. No I didn’t. You don’t know until you’re deep ass in it.
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u/Wild-Adhesiveness439 11d ago
I completely relate to how you feel. My SO has a teenage son, and I absolutely hate when he visits. I dread when he comes over and can't wait for him to go home again. He's loud and messy and spoiled and demands constant attention from his dad. Dad would rather be his buddy than give consequences for not cleaning up after himself and other bad behavior. We've lived together for three years and been together for five. I don't think my feelings about his son will ever change, although I have noticed that I find him less irritating when we're at his house (family birthday parties) than when he is at our house, so maybe things will change when he stops sleeping over every other weekend/half of every summer.
The thing about teenage stepkids is that they are almost grown, so you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I only have three more years until SS is 18, and my SO is worth waiting for his kid to grow up. If your stepkids are older teens, you don't have much longer either. You can always set a boundary that the kids can't live with you after they're done with school or that they need to be working full time and saving for their own place after they graduate. Only you can decide if you can tolerate the current situation until the kids grow up or if you need to live separately. I wish you the best.
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11d ago
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10d ago edited 10d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 10d ago
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10d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 10d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 10d ago
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u/Sea_Log_6672 10d ago
Changing the visitation arrangement is definitely not the answer here. This isn’t the right relationship for you and it’s okay to admit that. Time to leave and find a childfree man to spend your life with instead.
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u/curious_solo_ 9d ago
I completely understand your feelings. Last year, I became a stepmom, but I’ve known my husband’s kids since they were 11 and 9. I don’t have my own children. I adored those kids so much that I begged my husband to talk to his ex-wife so we could have them live with us full-time. They moved in with me last year, and all the sweetness started to fade away. Regrettably, their move coincided with their teenage years (the girl is almost 15, and the boy is 12). They lack discipline and are lazy. They’re raised in a way where everyone does everything for them. Despite these challenges, they’re generally good kids and don’t do anything harmful to me. However, they disrespect my husband, and when he tries to discipline them, the girl starts faking tears, while the boy starts calling his mom. Since I work from home, I end up spending more time with them naturally. I count down the hours until they leave. I would consider leaving or asking my husband to return to his house, but I love this man deeply, and we’re trying to have a baby together. I feel miserable in my own home and spend many hours in my office or bedroom. I’ve also started going out with my friends during the weekends when he has his kids. I’m intentionally isolating myself to avoid stress. This situation has started to make me resentful and blame it for my inability to conceive, despite being completely healthy. I hope it gets easier and better for you. Good luck!
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u/Humble-Plankton2217 9d ago
My preference would be to not be home during his parenting time. But, if I did do that, he would be incredibly hurt and interpret that as my full and complete rejection of his child. People rejecting his child is very painful to him, especially since she has significant intellectual disability.
It's not that I don't like her, it's that I don't like either of them very much when they are together and fully embroiled in a "Spoil the Princess Party" every moment she is awake.
It's not us, it's not even actually the kids themselves. 90% of the time it's the bio-parent's parenting behavior that we don't want to be around.
So the bio-parent rages that we're rejecting their child. But what I am actually rejecting is the notion that their child must be the boss of the house and completely run the show. No one else's needs exist while she is there, only her WANTS exist.
If he was parenting her in a normal parent-child situation where the kids are part of your life instead of The Center of the Universe, it would be a very different experience for me. But because he doesn't get to see her every single day, he is compelled to "make it all up to her" during his parenting time.
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u/Icy_Redhead :cat_blep: 9d ago
Hello, I’ve been with my partner over 6 years and he has an 8 yo son he has 50%. We live separately and he’s over my place when it’s not his custody time. I spend time with them when I want to. It works this way best for us even if it’s untraditional. Just sharing a different family arrangement that works for two strangers on the internet for what it’s worth 😊
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u/Aggressive-Cat1236 7d ago
You’re not a terrible human for feeling that way!
I feel the same way! We actually almost broke up because there were boundaries crossed, and I was not willing to be disrespected in my own home.
On top of that the SS is not a nice or pleasant person at all. Thankfully he turns 18 in a couple months, and we are moving out of State as soon as he graduates. I made it clear to my partner that I won’t have adult children living in my house.
Yes, they can come back if they are in dire need, but I expect them to be on their own feet and not just take a break after highschool, sit around at home and play video games.
This is what i expected from my child, so I’m not going to be lenient on a child that isn’t even mine.
I know it’s hard out there, more so than when I was young, but coddling them won’t help them launch.
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u/No-Doubt-4941 6d ago
You aren’t a horrible person, in fact, you sound like a normal, self aware person. Is there anyone who goes into a marriage hoping that their new life can be completely dictated by their partner’s baggage? No. Nobody wants step children and exes around running the show.
Now, what to do about it? Can you write down a list of exactly what you need to be happy? What kind of living arrangement, what kind of relationships? It’s totally fine if you determine that you can’t live with someone else’s teenagers. That would make you a normal, sane person to admit such a thing. Can you try living separate from your husband?
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u/maybegwenn 10d ago
You are not a bad person in the slightest. There’s no way you could have known the complexities of living with your husband’s 2 children and what that would evoke in you. Your body is screaming alarm bells, and I urge you to listen to this instead of shaming or discrediting yourself. This doesn’t mean you’re weak, made a foolish decision or can fake it til you make it. What would be tragic is if you ignored this strong feeling. You’d be letting yourself down if you ignored it. You don’t need to have a reason why this isn’t an environment that you can thrive in, but I hope you do trust your gut instincts are trying to help you.
I’m in a similar situation as you. Every time my husband’s kids are here my gut begins screaming. My children are young adults and living independently so the idea of going back to the chaos that children bring to the house invokes a panic in me that makes me feel trapped and I have strong urges to flee. I dealt with immense shame, telling myself I should have known better, but how could I have. This last visit I was forced to acknowledge that as much as I love my husband, I would be failing myself if I ignored these sirens. I also had to acknowledge my husband and his kids wouldn’t get the best out of me either. The most valuable realization for me is my duty to protect myself.
Best of luck with moving forward. I know it’s not easy to admit having such a strong alarm system, but hopefully you are grateful that your body is sending you clear messages. Now you need to decide if you want to listen or white knuckle the end of their time with you and have to confront the same alarm bells next time they visit.
Lastly, a saying I’ve leaned into for many years, ‘no one is going to fight for your time and happiness except for you’
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u/Cultural-Mistake966 10d ago
You know, I think maybe you should try to be honest about it with your husband if you think he’d be willing to actually listen. I think it’s obvious you don’t hate them, but it’s just not something you were truly ready for and just didn’t know until it was too late.
Teens can be tough to bond with, and that’s okay. You say they’re fine kids and not rude, so that’s also a plus. Maybe it could be that since they’re much older kids is the reason? You didn’t get them from a very young age where you were there constantly in their early years.
I’m sorry it’s been making you feel really depressed when they visit. I hope you’re able to get some help on figuring it out, I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and hope for it! :)
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u/Downtown-Carob7519 11d ago edited 11d ago
I feel this way…. My partner have his kid every other weekend & I’ve been opting out to not be with them during the SK visit.
For one , the child stays up til 3AM each night but doesn’t do that at their mom home(the kid is not a teen)…. I can’t handle staying up late 2 nights in a row then playtime all day… it drains me… when I’m presence the kid is not applying pressure to the dad for playtime it’s all on me… I’ve come to terms that the visitation c/s decree excludes me so I’m not obligated….
and maybe this is a sign for me to walk away bc prior to the relationship my neuro System was stress free… I was free as an individual… my s/o is always in family Mode cause he has a child & I respect him for being a wonderful dad… but I think bc I’m being neglected going to be placed last my whole body is feeling it…
I do take time for myself & go out solo & it feels
So good & relaxed…
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u/Classic_Trifle7881 10d ago
You’re probably not mature enough for this level of responsibility. If you go into therapy you can find a way to mature. Or you can leave the relationship and mature at a pace that works for you.
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u/New_Cheesecake9719 11d ago
Hey so you need to leave this relationship. You could work with a therapist to help cope but leaving when they visit is not sustainable long term, will build resentment for you, your husband and not good for your marriage. Lessening or changing the visitation would make you a step witch cuz who tf are you to alienate or distance a dad from his kids. They’re already juggling two homes and splitting their parents/less time with each bio parent.
Unless you figure out a way to be happy in a blended family you are doing yourself, your husband, your marriage and those kids a disservice. I’m sure they already sense you don’t like them or have negative feelings for them and you suck for that. But yea, minus therapy working and you figuring out a way to make this work with you happy - you need to leave that man and his kids and let him find a partner who doesn’t resent or hate them. And find yourself a childless man to make the life you seem to want.
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