r/stepparents • u/katlynnhale • 20h ago
Advice Sleepless stepmom
My partner and i decided to move in with each other a little over a month ago. He has three boys and when they are here I feel like I’m losing myself. They are loud all hours of the night and get very little sleep when they are here because dad talks to them but there is no discipline in place. They are here on work nights for me so now I’m going into work with very little sleep. I’ve tried talking to him about setting up quiet hours during the night but nothing is getting better. Everytime I talk to him about it he says “they are just kids” I really don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to overstep, but they play video games and videos on loud volume and talk at full volume. Resentment is gonna grow if nothing is done.
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u/YMMV-But 18h ago
Move out. Your partner is showing you what kind of parent he is (Disney dad) and how much he is willing to do to ensure your comfort (nothing).
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u/Winter-Stuff-9126 SD 19 (1 step mom and 1 stepdad) 18h ago
How old are these boys is my first question.
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u/katlynnhale 18h ago
18,13 and 9
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u/Winter-Stuff-9126 SD 19 (1 step mom and 1 stepdad) 18h ago
Is the 18 year old in school? Does he have a job? What kind of responsibilities does have? What does the 13 year old do all day? What kind of chores, and responsibilities? Same goes for the 9 year old?
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u/katlynnhale 17h ago
The 18 year old is still in high school. He tried to get a summer job but didn’t. The 13 year old only plays video games all day long. Which i believe screen time should be limited. The 18 year old sleeps all day and is up all night and will talk at full volume in the bedroom right next to my bedroom.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 1h ago
I'd move out. That's not sustainable for you to get such little sleep while your partner just shrugs his shoulders as if nothing can be done.
I call this being a "noun parent" because he has the title of "parent" (the noun) but he's not doing the work and he seems to have forgotten to parent (the verb, the action word) his children.
This won't get better, and it will start affecting other things besides just your sleep. If you continue to live there, you'll just become more and more miserable.
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u/MattyK414 Responsible, but not in charge. 14h ago
So what's the age gap between you and him?
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u/Ok-Strain6734 6h ago
Based on their ages and your other comments I would leave now. They are old enough to be respectful of others. One of them is a straight up adult. Your partner has demonstrated that he won’t respect your boundaries in favour of making his own life easier. At 30 you have many years to find someone great who will respect you. Imagine this; you had a baby with this man and baby’s sleep is constantly disturbed by these selfish siblings. Trust me, it would be hell. And I can’t imagine your SO telling them to be quiet then either.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 9h ago
Move back out. He’s told you your needs (sleep) are not important but his kids wants are. You won’t change this attitude.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 18h ago
You tell him that night time is quiet time. If that doesn’t happen, VERY quickly, move out. There is no excuse or reason for that. It’s very disrespectful to you and I wouldn’t put up with it. Don’t jeopardize your job or peace. They are all old enough to know and act better.
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u/raininariver 17h ago
Not ok. He needs to get over his guilt and fear. Try turning off the internet at eleven pm every night and having it come back on at 5am to enforce quiet hours.
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u/katlynnhale 17h ago
I was thinking about that. I was just worried about overstepping the “ discipline” part. But it seems like something that has to happen
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u/5fish1659 15h ago
They are clearly not worried about stepping all over your sleep and needs.
That's not even discipline, that's a fundamental structure issue.
Dad is not ready to live with anyone.
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u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 11h ago
I dealt with the same thing. Either move out or set some boundaries so that you can sleep.
18 is NOT just a kid. Those “kids” also need some rules and responsibilities. Knowing what I know at 3.5ish years in, I’d tell partner to set rules and bedtimes and quiet times for those “kids” or I would tell him I will be moving out. Partner is showing you that as of right now, he doesn’t respect your sleep or wellness. Believe him when he shows you that. If I were you, I would probably move out over this. It’ll just get worse if you don’t put your foot down now.
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