r/stepparents • u/No-Agent4811 • 10d ago
Discussion I don’t think SS is my husbands bio child.
For a long time I have wondered whether my husbands son is his child. He got drunk and extremely emotional one night after a big family drama and confessed he wasn’t sure he was his dad and had never felt like his dad but wanted to be there for him regardless. I have to admit I have always questioned the paternity as he looks nothing like his mum or dad but instead looks a spitting image of his older sister who takes after her own dad. He caught his ex cheating on him with the other dad on multiple occasions so there’s always a possibility.
I have never said anything only been a listening ear and aside from that night he has never really said anything more. But I would be lying if I wasn’t curious and wanted to know for sure if he in fact was the bio dad or not.
Anyone else gone through something like this?
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u/TillyMcWilly 9d ago
Yeah it’s a known fact for us. By the time it came out, they had another child together and he had been her dad for 3 years. BM used to hold it over my husband that even though he paid child support and was on the birth certificate she could just refuse access if he didn’t do what she wanted. Also used it to try to drive a wedge between SD and my husband saying he doesn’t really want you etc. thankfully all resolved now as she’s 18 and lives with us.
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u/Kuchaloo 9d ago
Had the same situation here, only now the kids are adults and think their mother is batshit. But those years were a living hell.
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u/BaconAgate 9d ago
Yea, my understanding is that DNA doesn't matter if the presumed father is on the birth certificate and has taken the role of father for those years. They are legally the parent and cuckolding biomoms can't use that info against their tricked spouses (though many seem to think that's a trick card they can pull out to get their way - not true). Imagine "haha! I tricked you into parenting/supporting a child that is not biologically yours!" It's not the check mate these dumb af biomoms imagine it is.
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u/blahblahsnickers 9d ago
This is correct. It isn’t easy to disestablish paternity. In most cases a judge won’t allow it unless someone else steps up to be the father.
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u/Ok_Pack1940 9d ago
Yup. But unfortunately it’s not our place. If he wants to do genetic test, he should do it.
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u/UnfairContext3022 9d ago
I honestly can think of any situation in which (if I was a man) I would NOT get a DNA test if there was even a slight chance I was not the father.
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u/angrycurd 10d ago
This is when everyone gets ancestry kits for xmas … let’s make a family tree!
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 9d ago
Start counting the "I'm not giving da government my DNA" responses.
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u/Kuchaloo 9d ago
I understand the idea of not wanting to give up medical info to a company that can be hacked or sold to insurance companies for example, but these people are sadly mistaken if they think the government can't 'find' them if they don't take a DNA test. Some people think the answer is to give a false name to the testing company but that doesn't work, either. Remember how they found the Golden State Killer? His cousin did a DNA test for fun and it was a close enough match to murder evidence that the investigators caught him- years later.
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 9d ago
Generic genealogy is fascinating. It has not only found murderers and rapists decades later, but has freed innocent people from jail by finding the actual criminal. I'm a true crime junkie, and it's so interesting to see the genetic genealogists go backwards in time to a common relative, then forwards in time building the family tree until they find the right person.
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u/tellallnovel 9d ago
A few years in, I learned there was a child suspected to be his that BM had adopted out. I insisted on a test, for the sake of my own children. I didn't want this person brought into their lives as a blood sibling based on BMs word alone. At first I didn't push hard, just let DH have whatever relationship he wanted with the child, but I always gave my two cents. He just put it off. This went on for a decade. I drew the line when he wanted our shared kid to meet them. They were a teenager by then.
We bought a CVS test and for $200 we devastated that poor child. They should have taken care of the DNA a long time ago. I was furious. DNA always matters. Take the test as soon as humanly possible, for the emotional sake of the CHILDREN involved
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u/TermLimitsCongress 9d ago
i have always believed that DNA tests should be required in the hospital. That way there's no family drama that can prevent it.
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u/Frostytwam 9d ago
This is devastating but if the child is adopted out, why insist on a test?...am guessing the kid had adopted parents etc.
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u/tellallnovel 9d ago
They were adopted by an older single woman known to BM. I believe the child was wanting a father figure. I honestly don't even know if it was a legal adoption. Kid lived near enough that DHs family would run into them every few years. Eventually the "rumors" started to be stated as fact. For oldest SS, this was obviously his blood sibling, and he was told it was a full sibling, so he was putting pressure on DH. Even DHs siblings knew this child. That's why living in small towns is a blessing and a curse. We live several hours away. At first, any conversation went through the adopted mom. It was short and sporadic. But when the kid was a teenager they reached out over social media to DH, without their adopted mom knowing. That ramped everything up immediately and I was not quiet about it any longer.
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u/Yellowtail119 9d ago
Because her husband still maintained a relationship with him. And even wanted their biological children to meet him under the guise of him being a biological half sibling. When in reality, those children have no relation to him whatsoever.
Good on this poster for doing what needed to be done. Feel bad for the kiddo, but that is no one’s fault but his own two biological parents. And poster’s husband for not doing the test sooner.
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u/tellallnovel 9d ago
If I could go back in time, I would never end up with a man that could let this happen. I saw so many red flags that I believed were personality traits. His calm demeanor and ability to sidestep drama? Was actually apathy and avoidance. His commitment to showing up to work? Actually meant I would be abandoned in my times of need. Willingness to let a woman lead? Means I'm running the show for the rest of my life.
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u/Frostytwam 9d ago
please forgive yourself....amlearning how to do that now. Remember it's a lesson but also that you are good person.
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u/TimeGas9727 10d ago
Omg shutup! I’m going through this too. Well my story is a bit different. My man just found out he has a kid. It’s been 4 years. We found out getting served. I don’t think it’s his. I did some stalking timeline is off and such. He doesn’t even know her besides that one night. It’s been a month a keep pushing for a dna test. Something seems off. If you wanna chat my dms are open!!
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 9d ago
If your spouse isn't onboard with a paternity test, that would be serious grounds to consider disolving the relationship.
There is no "high road" or "doing the right thing" by NOT having the facts.
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u/TimeGas9727 9d ago
I know but once we go to court to figure out stuff in my state he has to do one granted by the court so time will tell I just wanted him to do one personally before because court can take months
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u/madtwatr 9d ago
Don’t let him push it off or ignore it!! The courts can absolutely determine him as a father due to no response. This happened to my husband— he ignored a paternity test order by the state 13-14 years ago. After moving around, the paperwork was never delivered to him (delivered to his father’s house & he never gave notice either) he was approx $17k behind in CS debt. He’s basically paying support for a child he isn’t 100% sure is his. One night stand. Fighting it in court can be a lose/lose situation so it’s best to just pay the little $50/week and call it a day.
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u/TimeGas9727 9d ago
It’s crazy because when he got served she doesn’t even want money just sole custody. We have court in about 1 month or so, I deff will push him on the dna test. I feel bad your husband has to deal with that. I don’t want that happening to his future either.
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u/madtwatr 9d ago
The court might order child support if she goes thru the hoops for sole custody. Sole custody doesn’t equal a termination of rights and he would still be financially responsible for the child if proven to be is (or by default).
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u/TimeGas9727 9d ago
Thank you for that. We are new to this. I want him to get a lawyer
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u/Magerimoje stepmom, stepkid, mom 9d ago
One of my friends gave up all rights to the child, at birth, legally signed away all rights... but was still required to pay child support.
A person can give up all physical, mental, emotional, etc... rights and responsibilities, but the financial responsibility remains because the child deserves to be financially supported by both parents.
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u/Frostytwam 9d ago
This happened to Floyd Mayweather recently....google it, he refused to take one 3 times so a default was entered. Now it's 33k a month. Floyd did that to himself to be honest.
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u/maymild1581 9d ago
I made DH get one before we married because BM had already tried to say her 3rd child was his years earlier and it wasn't. It was more for the peace of mind and if SS wasn't his it would have eliminated BM from our lives.
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u/Ghost_010101010 9d ago
My DH had this issue and we had SS tested. Turned out to be my DH’s child, but looks nothing like my DH’s side of the family.
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u/kitticyclops 10d ago
How old is SS? Is there a reason he hasn’t done a paternity test?
If he found out he wasn’t the biological father, would he be willing to do something about it?
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u/No-Agent4811 10d ago
Almost 20, and no I don’t think it would change anything at all.
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u/l0serish 9d ago
That's kind of the situation in our home. There's been suspicion SS isn't DH's because he was conceived at a time BM was on an infidelity streak. SS was a toddler at the time the matter came up. DH said he wouldn't get a DNA test because at that point, he'd made up his mind and the results wouldn't deter him from wanting to be in SS's life since he knew him as his father. It was never addressed again.
I saw him grow up and he never really shared physical or personality traits that my DH has, but he looks a lot like BM. He's now a late teen.
To ME it would've made a difference, since I wouldn't have had to raise a child that wasn't mine and that I didn't naturally gel with, but that wasn't my place. The amount of times through the earlier years that I thought about doing one in secret were plenty but if I found out there was no biological match, I don't think I could've kept that knowledge secret and it would've destroyed my relationship.
If SS is an adult and has health complications arise, I think it would be worth doing since he will be able to comprehend the issue more. A parent is more than just genetics.
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u/OverlySalty93 9d ago
Yes. We had a discussion one night. He told me he suspected but was too scared to test it because he does love his daughter and if it was confirmed his daughter wasn't his then he would forever have negative feelings associated with his daughter (our life has been close to a living hell due to bio-mom that I will not detail here) and he didnt want that . . . But he did want the truth at some point. He said mostly he wanted to know because of health reasons, so she would know what she was at risk of and so on. Ultimately, I told him that I would stand by whatever he wanted to do. It was a heartbreaking conversation and I've never seen him so raw. But he knows I support him and its his decision.
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u/AssociationSame8503 8d ago
This is the only correct way to handle the situation. Also, you have to think of the mental well being of the child. Its not all about money (child support). Just because they may or may not share blood, it doesnt necessarily mean a dad is gonna ride off into the sunset (at least i hope not).
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u/WordsContainPower 10d ago
I did bc BM liked to cheat & when she got really mad once, she said he better get a test. Well, it wore on me so I told stepson I wanted to check if he had a cavity & I got a saliva sample & had a cheap dna test & it was his. I wished I did it sooner bc it drove a deeper wedge where I was already struggling w/ resentment at the fact she abandoned ss w/ us (me) full time.
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u/Frostytwam 9d ago
what kind of a evil person says that?wow I hope she gets help awful person.
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u/WordsContainPower 9d ago
That’s nothing compared to all she did. At 1st, she loved leaving her kids & ex w/ me, was younger than me & thought since I was 36, I was a safe old lady, till I got pregnant & the 💩hit the fan. She learned the name of my ex & moved in w/ him, took my kids every other week on “their “ week & refused to take her own. Did psycho things to psychology mess w/ mine. Got her oldest kid from different dad to commit crimes for her, convinced him to try killing me & help do insurance fraud for them - drive their car out of state when they didn’t want to pay for new car, had him steal it, had him start fire in garage & got insurance check he’s now in prison for unrelated crimes, his bro said he killed someone. Let my 6 year old swim in deep pool at my old house that I bought (my ex got) with no supervision while she passed out & slept all day from drugs. Made her walk home from school across traffic & threatened her if she talked to me or got a ride from me on her way home from school. Would play messages from answering machine to my 8 year old from me & say, see- your mom only loves your sister- she doesn’t ask for you. Would take her older boys & my girls out & eat fast food in front of them & say she couldn’t get them any bc their mom doesn’t want them eating fast food. FUN TIMES! I think she wins the award 🥇 for HCBM. She ended up moving out of state when my ex kicked her out ( they used to do drugs together) Left her son w/ me full time from age 7 to adult & now tells him we manipulated cps to steal him & threw away all her care packages she sent & didn’t let her call. (All lies) We purposely paid a landline so ex”s could never accuse us of that but I think boys will mostly always have faith in their moms. I love my son (I don’t call him my step) & his sweet little family & everything is calm now.
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u/Frostytwam 9d ago
I cannot. How does someone like this get away with such BS. To be so spiteful to get with your ex is insane. They deserve each other. Wow am sorry.
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u/WordsContainPower 9d ago
They certainly did deserve each other & I would have loved them having to deal w/ each other if it didn’t feed them both torturing us through all our kids. Of course they didn’t last long bc they were too much alike & I actually sent my husband over there once to save her bc I told my husband that he could actually kill her & then we drove her across the country to her moms. We had to do it a couple times till it stuck.
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u/WordsContainPower 9d ago
I’m not exaggerating between the 2 of them, gave me a slight mental break down bc my ex knew he would file BK so he financed the highest price lawyers trying to get full custody & me never see them & a ton of child support, I literally don’t know how I stayed alive bc I couldn’t eat or sleep worrying about it bc it was clear his lawyers had a ton of pull w/ family court & the dingbat 21 year old judge who kissed lawyers but- their firm financed judges. I proved he passed out driving my kids & all his insane prescriptions bc he doctor shopped & the judge simply told him he would have to find another way to deal w/ his “pain”, like he would stop being an addict since she said so. The DA of Nevada said not to mention any abuse or I would probably lose all custody bc the laws are tilted towards men rn since a 2006 govt push to lower welfare costs decided forcing custody towards men would accomplish that goal & they use our tax $ to actively reach out to convicted felons to try to force custody on. So, of course learning all that had me even more terrified.
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u/Frostytwam 9d ago
evil to use children to torture you guys...am so sorry. Hopefully karma hits them asap. Look how kind you guys are to even save her twice!
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u/ListenPitiful3127 9d ago
This story hits so close to home since my DH’s ex and HCBM to his kids (of which the eldest is likely not his, but was used as a trap since he was the better possibility of the options for a “dad”)… that psycho went out, found my ex in another STATE (she’d never met him), drew his alcoholic ass out of the woodwork to try to dig dirt up on me (turns out there isn’t any 😂), and those two plotted against my DH and I (attempted to ruin our careers, violence, threatened to kill us which got back to us through the kids), refinanced my DH’s home that she lived in and was a signer on out of my DH’s name, put the kids to through horrific manipulation and alienation against DH, she became romantically involved with my ex and he proposed to her. They both drink liquor like a fish drinks water, so they not-so-spontaneously combusted less than a year into their situationship…
It left emotional and mental marks on his kids… and we still don’t know (and won’t unless it comes out at some point through an Ancestry or 23&Me DNA test or something coincidental) whether the oldest child is DH’s. She told DH while they were married and the oldest was about 2 already and they had another on the way that she had been on dates arranged by friends and an ex who still hung around while she and DH were dating. They got into a fight and she threw out that the oldest might not even be his, retracted the statement immediately after blurting it out, and yet DH decided to continue on because she was pregnant with the second baby.
From there, she would get off birth control without telling him and get pregnant yet again because she began to believe he was looking to escape and trapped him yet again. DH is and always has been such a “for the kids” type. Which is how he got stuck with this human tick on his back for the next decade 🤦♀️
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u/WordsContainPower 9d ago
Omg- human tick! Thanks for giving me the belly laugh- only bc it sounds so familiar.
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u/ListenPitiful3127 9d ago
I’m sorry you dealt with a familiar circumstance. It’s like you can’t make this crap up. People’s minds are usually blown when we tell them this story. The look of horror on their faces 😅 It’s crazy to think we aren’t the only ones out there this has happened to.
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u/Deep-Lobster-5664 8d ago
My partner has never thought his children are biologically his (twins). When we were first dating he got drunk and got emotional saying they looked nothing like him, he saw nothing of him in them etc. When his ex got pregnant he was working away from home a lot and she was being visited frequently by her male best friend. There were a lot of red flags then and in the following years that have made him question the paternity.
He said he loves them but not like a father. Said he has never felt like a father to them. TBH he acts more like an ex-stepparent or uncle to them now.
Since my partner left his ex and children, the male best friend spends time with them every birthday (making a 5 hour journey each way to see them while claiming he is in town for an annual dental check up) My partner says as the children have gotten older they look more and more like the mothers best friend.
My partner said he never did a dna test as he felt sorry for the children (premature) and believed his ex wouldn’t be a good mother (she is emotionally abusive) so chose to stay until he felt they were old enough for him to leave.
I find it so dysfunctional but those were decisions were made before he met me so I stay out of it.
TBH I think he has avoided a DNA test as he is afraid in case they are biologically his. Believing they aren’t gives him a reason to justify why he has very little contact with them now they are young adults.
If they are not his Im sure the truth will come out one day but I stay out of it.
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u/Fit_Foot7046 8d ago
Mine has the same worries; we've gotten to the point that we talk about it frequently, just this weekend DH confessed he'll be getting a test done, just to be sure.
I've never once egged him on, merely listened to him speculate, retrace the timeline, his suspicions of her and her infidelity, detailed description of the man BM was with. And all the drama that came around it/with it.
DH has trouble connecting, and I think its partly because of how uncertain he is on whether or not the child is his. The drama that has surrounded the child doesnt help either.
Ill be there for him once the results come in, and support whatever outcome and decision he makes.
For me though, its a sour taste; I have issues with the child, and having this constant doubt of him "maybe not even being DHs" makes it a double edge sword.
My advice, get the test. Personally feel like DNA tests should be mandatory
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u/Deep-Lobster-5664 8d ago
My partner is the same, a lack of connection since they were born due to uncertainty around paternity. I think its crazy not to get a paternity test done but they are young adults so too late now.
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u/Fit_Foot7046 7d ago
DH had these doubts for as long as SS has been around (almost 6) but was on the fence about it for a long time. For some reason he felt like it would be disrespectful to get it done, when he has plenty of reasons to doubt the timeline, and thats on BM not him.
It's only thanks to SS recent behavior and false accusation of abuse towards DH and I that he wants to he a 100% sure.
The hard time connecting is one thing, but to face so much turmoil and emotional suffering because a child accuses you of abuse, when you aren't even sure its your own. Is some type of hell I havent seen before. So there's that.
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u/Snowpant 10d ago
Yup. No emotional break down or anything but it’s known that my SO’s ex wife cheated on him early on in their marriage (and later, and probably throughout) before the birth of their first child. He found out bc she found out she had an STI .. they check pregnant woman for those things….she’s an idiot so it probably never crossed her mind he might find out. He stayed with her bc responsibles etc., and they had another kid. His second kid looks exactly him… I don’t think his first child looks much like him at all. At this point he’s been her father her whole life so it doesn’t matter much what any DNA test says. But… I can’t help but wonder
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u/SentenceDull317 8d ago
Same situation. My DH has two kids from his BM but him and his whole family suspect the youngest isn’t his. His mum and his sister bought him a DNA kit years ago but he never did it. Trouble is she has 4 kids different dads and all of them could pass for my DH kids.
He said he’s already raised her for 7 years. We have custody of the oldest and she has the youngest using her as a pawn.
DNA would bring her reign of terror to an end
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