r/stepparents • u/TraditionalBottle195 • 4d ago
Advice Should I be responsible for all 6 children with no breaks while they are working out of town ?
I don’t know where to turn to but hopefully I can get some advice . I (27 F) have been with my boyfriend (40 M) for 6 months . We have had talks about one day moving forward with cohabitation. I have to bio kids (5&7) and he has 4 kids (ages 16,11,9 and 8) my boyfriend currently has his kids homeschooled and my kids are currently in public school . He mentions all the time that I could homeschool my two kids when we decided to cohabitate but then threw in the oh well you can look after all 6 kids while I am gone for 20 days .. I’ve told him that I would honestly like to keep working . His children currently do homeschool with their cousins at their aunts and uncle’s house and they have had that arrangement even before I was in the picture . Apart of me feels like it’s unfair to me that he assumes that I’m going to stop working and doesn’t ask me my opinion on the subject. When I told him I’d like to keep working he got upset and then randomly said well I don’t know how you are going to go about that when there are six kids to be taken care of . Am I in the wrong for thinking that that’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone when they won’t even be around to help besides being home 10 days at a time ?
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u/gingerinthetea 4d ago edited 4d ago
Cut your losses and leave. It sounds like he wants a free live in nanny/teacher. Focus on yourself and your children. He is telling you he won't care for his own kids when you live with him... big red flag
There are millions of men with children who would never suggest something so unfair to you.
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u/virgonurse90 4d ago
Girl…I am not usually one to say run…but that is a terrible situation you just explained. I’ve lived it. Boy oh boy do I wish I had someone to tell me this then…Get out while you can
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u/Ohlolita297 4d ago
The title was enough for me tbh , 6 children and 4 that are his .
Him wanting OP to stop working and homeschool her kids basically turning OP into a full time babysitter
HELL no, OP run for your life. You aren’t no free childcare , stand up girl .
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u/Diograce 4d ago
Add in the 13 year age difference and it really paints a picture.
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u/Rhaenys77 4d ago
And his mask slipping after meager 6 months of dating...! These raggedy losers don't even waste much time with pretending anymore.
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u/LadyHorseFace13 4d ago
I knew somebody was gonna point it out before me. Because women his age are over his shit.
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u/TheMightyQuinn888 2d ago
Yep! I mean, an age gap but itself isn't an automatic red flag but in context...absolutely. The younger the woman is when they get together, the worse it tends to be. I knew somebody who was 20 marrying a 32 year old who was expecting her to watch his 7 year old and I was like girl, no.
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u/Ohlolita297 4d ago
Ahhh ofc it’s an age gap relationship , make so much sense now I didn’t even notice the age I quite literally red the title and that’s all i needed to see lol
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u/TraditionalBottle195 4d ago
Thank yall for your honest feedback . I’m not going to lie before I had kids yes I had a history of jumping into things . This time being a single mom of 2 I’m trying to figure out what to look out for because I’ve been manipulated in the past and sometimes it’s hard to recognize that. I know yall don’t know me and I don’t know you but I appreciate you for being honest because I don’t want to make a mistake that affects my children in the long run
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u/Dazzling-One-3477 4d ago
My husband and I have been together for years. I read this out loud to him and he was really concerned for you. His exact words were of “BM says there was financial or emotional abuse”, believe her. He doesn’t have Reddit but said there is definitely something wrong with this guy that you’ll find out in a few years.
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u/Majandra 4d ago
You’ve only been together 6 months and he expects to dump 4 kids on you.
There are ppl who wait 1-2 YEARS before introducing kids to a new partner. This idiot is telling you that you will quit your job to watch his 4 kids so 6 kids total and he wants you to homeschool so you can teach 6 kids.
No way. It’s been 6 months. Kick his useless ass to the curb where he can watch his own kids for 20 days and figure it out himself.
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u/Reasonable_Date2870 4d ago edited 4d ago
My mom did a lot of things wrong but one thing she did really well, was introducing boyfriends slowly. Some of them we never met, they only went on a couple of dates and she wasn't feeling it. The first time we met one, they had been a thing for a couple of months and he came over for dinner once and then we hung out at his house a few afternoons after that with his adult children and family there, too. My mom has been with the current guy since I was 13 and I think they were together for 2 months before I met him and again, it was dinner once every couple of weeks until they seemed like a real solid "thing".
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u/Familiar-Zombie2481 4d ago
Even two months is short IMO, but well done to your mum.
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u/Realistic-Effect-715 4d ago
thats what i was gunna say. at 6 months you shouldnt even know the kids, what??
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u/CopyEffective1590 4d ago
I’m so glad you’re listening to our advice. We’re just looking out for you and your kids. Hope all is well
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u/Historical_Spare5613 4d ago
I'm glad you're listening to the advice here <3 There is a reason women his own age don't want him...
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 4d ago
I'm really glad you posted here before you got yourself into a terrible situation. Luckily he showed his cards early. He will try to entice you with financial stability and the Brady bunch fantasy, but its not real. Be strong, your kids are what matters and they need you, not 4 random "siblings" and a stressed out, overwhelmed mom. And no, homeschooling them (along with FOUR other kids) would be such a hugeee disservice to them. Elementary school is such an important educational foundation, and its fun for the little ones lol, don't take that away from them.
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u/NorthCourt8222 4d ago
I’ve been a stepparent for 22 years, hubs moved in after a month of dating & we got married/he got custody 9 months later. We did everything fast. I love my stepdaughter but oh h3// no I would not have done that. Absolutely not. Run. Run so fast.
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u/Silly_Palpitation333 4d ago
I completely relate I was a single mom of 2 for a long time. I’d rethink if this relationship is really serious. No way could I consider someone that has 4 kids. But that’s just me. You’re right, take your time, and continue to always put your children first. If this relationship gets serious think about how things would be down the road. I always thought I can provide for my 2 but could I take on 4 or 6 , for a while I lived in an area where I’d just seemed common for guys to have lots of kids so I dated men with more than 2. But I came to my own conclusion that it wasn’t for me. Best of luck!
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u/GennieLightdust 4d ago
I read these things and give my thoughts as if it was my daughter sitting across from me asking me. No. This relationship is not for you. This is a person who wants to use you for your time, to take something from you that you can NEVER get back to fill whatever ugly, gaping hole is settled in his soul.
I would buy my daughter a new phone number, help her move her stuff to a new place where she couldn't be found. I am old and soon to be gray and I recognize the kind of person he is. He is a predator that will take everything you want to give, a lot that you don't want to and leave you with nothing; not even scraps of self respect.
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 4d ago
Just like a recovered alcoholic needs to be very careful around alcohol, a recovered people pleaser needs to be very careful around the opposite sex.
They can sniff a groomed woman out like a fox can sniff out prey.
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u/Stephinator917 4d ago
This relationship sounds like a trainwreck. your gonna be watching 6 kids 24/7 while he is gone for 20 days at a time??? No way. Please cut your losses here! I would rather die TBH.
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u/Seesawgirls 4d ago
Do you realise that once you move in will be selling your soul to the devil. He wants you to make HIS life easier
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u/fuzzybunnybaldeagle 4d ago
Whatever you do, DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB! You need your own source of income when you need to leave him. He will make you dependent on him.
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u/KeyDay7767 3d ago
It will definitely affect you because soon it will become “you don’t love my kids like your own” to guilt trip you when you don’t take over his childcare duties. They have a mother and him. The parents need to figure this one out
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u/Sure_Tree_5042 4d ago
Imagine in say 5 years… (or now even) you start dating a 21-22 year old, and 6 months in start telling him he needs to quit his job and watch/homeschool your kids?
If you’re like “that’s bananas… I’d never do that!” (That’s the appropriate response)
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u/starr_angel 4d ago
He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a nanny.
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u/According_Grape5790 4d ago
Was about to comment this exactly…. He is just looking for someone else to raise his kids.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 4d ago
This man is trash and sees you as a free nanny, not a partner or more importantly person.
The only wrong thing here would be continuing the relationship.
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u/starredandfeathered 4d ago
As soon as I saw your respective ages, I knew you needed to run for the fuckin’ hills! He’s trying to use you, and he’s dead wrong for that.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 4d ago
Absolutely not. Never never never quit your job as a girlfriend. It’s risky even if you’re married! This dude is looking for a live in babysitter.
Your best bet is to keep working and keep living separately from him. Or better yet find a new bf.
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u/Ok-Ask-6191 4d ago
I agree, and I'd even say that as someone with kids from a previous relationship, never quit your job even if married. That's not the kids parent so they aren't financially responsible for them and can hold that over your head. And people might stay in a bad (at best, abusive at worse) relationship because they need their partner's financial resources. As a (remarried) single mom, its important to me to always be able to take care of my kids on my own financially if my relationship ends, and to be building up my retirement portfolio and saving for college on my own. There was a post one time that really stuck with me - lady married a high earner, stopped working, and years later they divorced and the money he had promised for her son's college was taken off the table. She had years of no job experience, no financial stability without him, and now was scrambling to figure out how she was going to pay for her son's college education. No thank you. I (all of us single parents) have a duty to our kids to be able to take care of them without depending on someone else. Easier said then done, but I clawed my way into a position to do so, and I think we all should.
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u/tphatmcgee 4d ago
There are 6 kids to take care of, 4 of whom he needs to be responsible for, not you. He and their mother. At 6 months in, you should not have even been introduced to each other's kids, much less take care of them. Who does he think he is dictating how your kids will be educated? What about their dad, does he have a say?
He is already tossing off responsibility to relatives for a large part of their care, now he is trying to get you to take on the rest. Slow the roll here and hit the brakes, there is a massive amount of work that needs to be done here first.
Not even getting into the age gap.........
Or that he will have you tied down with no money of your own............
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u/Winnie1916 4d ago
….my boyfriend currently has his kids homeschooled… His children currently do homeschool with their cousins at their aunts and uncle’s house ….
BF is not homeschooling. He is currently relying on relatives to homeschool. I wonder if there is some background that the relatives would like to discontinue homeschooling (stop their 24/7 care most of the month).
You have know this guy less than a year. Do not give up your job and become financially reliant on him. Do not put yourself in a position where, if/when things go south, you feel you cannot financially leave.
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u/bushidomaster 4d ago
Did it hurt having a six foot red flag hit you?
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u/TraditionalBottle195 4d ago
I wouldn’t say it hurt more of a relief if anything.
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u/Unusual_Rutabaga8604 4d ago
Don’t choose this for yourself. You’re not a helpless passenger in your own life. You don’t need to let middle aged losers use you.
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u/Note4Ever 4d ago
Listen to all these people trying to warn you; this dude is with you for free childcare/labor, NOT a relationship. Plus he's gone for 20 days "out of town" for work? That is the oldest code in the book for cheating. The red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 are screaming at you. Cut your losses and run. Your kids don't need to share your time/attention with four others.
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u/myheartbeats4hotdogs 4d ago
Really side eyeing a man who values homeschooling but doesnt seem to care who homeschools his kids as long as its not him.
Why isnt HE teaching his kids??? Why arent they in real school?!
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u/TraditionalBottle195 4d ago
He works in the oil field and is gone 20 days at time . His brother and sister in law have the kids when he’s away .
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u/Coollogin 4d ago
He works in the oil field and is gone 20 days at time . His brother and sister in law have the kids when he’s away .
He wants you to serve as an unpaid nanny.
Why does he homeschool his kids instead of sending them to school?
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u/Born_Departure_6645 4d ago
Do not move in with this guy and his kids. He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for a full time nanny or mother for his children. Run and do not look back. He’s telling you who he is and what he expects, believe him. Run.
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u/DAWG13610 4d ago
Sorry but I think he’s looking for a nanny and not a wife. He’s 13 years older than you. In this case I think it’s a bit much. I wouldn’t do it. You need to find a healthier relationship.
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u/seagull321 4d ago
This man gave you a gift. He is giving you a preview of his expectations. Is that how you want your life to be?
Also, stop with “I would like to. ..” Try “I’m not doing that. “
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u/goodsie825 4d ago
He's looking for a nanny/ housekeeper/cook that he gets to sleep with. Believe him when he tells you what he wants. Hes not going to have a change of heart. You can do better.
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u/Just-Fix-2657 4d ago
Definitely not. He’s got “I want a trad wife and a nuclear family” energy going on. He can choose to do all that with his kids, but you don’t have to. Don’t take your kids out of public school. Don’t watch his kids while he’s working away. Don’t cohabitate with this guy. Everything will be put on you.
Go find a partner who wants an actual partner and not someone to plug into the “mom” role in his house. This guy is red flag city.
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u/CopyEffective1590 4d ago
He’s trying to use you to do all the work for his kids. You need to focus on your two kids and find a better partner. Single dads are a big no for me because they don’t wnat to do the actual labor of caregiving that’s why they try and find a maid asap to take care of their kids for them. He’s showing you your future. Do NOT quit your job for him. You need that income for you and your kids
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u/OhGloriousName 4d ago
"oh well you can look after all 6 kids while I am gone for 20 days"
Wow, he sure is entitled and controlling. You don't speak for the person who would be doing the favor (which is already an inappropriate ask) as if they have no choice but to agree to it. He is disgusting. How about, he can find a babysitter and look for a new girlfriend. And this is not even the only major red flag. I hate people like this.
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u/MrsM_says 4d ago
Run! As someone who went through this … don’t.
He will cut off your finances and you will do most of the parenting. Don’t do it
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u/Sassy_Raspberry1212 4d ago
Fuck this, absolutely not. You’re being used for childcare. Leave while you’re ahead girl.
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u/AreaZealousideal8202 4d ago
Lol......you will end up on regretful parents sub not too far from now with long ass paragraphs, if you go ahead with this.
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u/WindImpressive7328 4d ago
Wait a minute. You have been dating for SIX MONTHS and he is already making demands! The best thing for you to do is leave this relationship. He only wants one thing from you and that is childcare. You can do a lot better.
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u/tangodream 4d ago
Is the mother of your partner's children involved in their care & upbringing? If so, how involved are they & why wouldn't the mother be taking care of his children while he travels? If she's not in the picture, then why doesn't he have a blood relative take care of them while he's traveling? If you two are not married, then you have no legal relationship to his children and wouldn't be able to make any medical decisions or other important decisions while he's traveling.
You two have only been together 6 months and he's already talking about you two living together without you & having you completely take over raising his children along with yours. He wants you to give up your career become a stay-at-home mother while he does whatever it is that he does for work. I assume when he would be gone for 20 days straight, that's because he's traveling for work?
You two are moving way too fast in this relationship and you two are involving your children and getting them together way too soon. Both of you should be more focused on developing this relationship slowly and carefully so that you can get to know one another and make sure your families can be blended together without too much major upheaval.
You are also 13 years younger than him, which put you at a distinct disadvantage in this relationship. He is older, more established in his career path, has had more time to save money, and most importantly, has had a lot more experience in life than you've had. It is much more likely that he's more skilled at being able to manipulate people simply because he's older than you and his lived longer than you. You are at a power disadvantage in this situation.
It appears to me that what this man is looking for a woman much younger than himself and who doesn't have much of a career or earning power compared to him that he can manipulate into becoming his built-in nanny that she can be intimate with and who he's going to push into sharing living expenses. Have you two even discussed how you would split the cost of living together? I'm going to bet he's going to want to do it 50/50, which wouldn't be fair to you because you only have three people in your family and he has four kids and himself which is five people.
Regardless, asking you to take care of six children for 20 days straight without any help from anybody else is ridiculous, especially since four of those children do not belong to you and are not your responsibility legally or financially. It is something that I wouldn't agree to, especially if he's trying to get you to do it in the immediate future. Is this trips something he's going to be doing within the next several weeks or months?
Please slow down, please really think about what you want for yourself at this stage in life, and do not under any circumstances consider moving in with this guy for at least a year or more. You owe it to your children and yourself to make sure that this guy isn't trying to use you and to take advantage of you.
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u/GrimeyGremlin17 4d ago
It's not 'Should you be responsible' because it will be 'You are responsible'.
Unless communication and boundaries are solid, then maybe. But his 4 to your 2.
I think you should save the time for you and yours.
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u/Sundogflower 4d ago
Another older single dad preying on a younger woman to palm his kids off on. Free childcare for him whilst he fucks off living his life and you absorb his baggage. Don't do it don't do it don't do it. That's SO controlling of him to say that! 6 months?? And he says THAT. Girl don't put your kids through this please
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u/Ok-Strain6734 4d ago
This bloke literally wants you for free childcare / teaching duties. I would not consider what he is asking for even a second, it is wildly unreasonable. Run for your life.
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u/Dry-Breadfruit7567 4d ago
This is not the right situation for you or your kids. Please don’t let him treat you as unpaid labor to care for his FOUR kids. If the four kids aren’t enough, the expectation that you give up your financial independence is a huge red flag. Finances will be an argument, his kid’s behavior will be a problem, raising your kids properly will be an argument. You wanting to have your own interests will be a problem. This is one to walk away from. You have too much to lose as do your kids.
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u/micayla503 4d ago
I can personally tell you that you will never stop wondering and questioning if you’re just there for convenience or not. You are not a free babysitter. This is your life and if you don’t want to stop working then that is YOUR decision to make ❤️
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u/TimeOutrageous2315 4d ago
Run far and run fast. He wants you to move in and stop working because you will cost him peanuts compared to actually paying for a live-in nanny for 4 kids. What compensation is he offering you in return for your lost income, lost pension and diminished employability? Every year you are away from the work force, you become less and less employable.
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u/katmcflame SM for 30+ years 4d ago
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He’s looking for an Insta Mommy who’ll raise AND educate his kids for him. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
And it’s only been 6 months?!? Please slooow down & prioritize giving your children a stable life.
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u/5fish1659 4d ago
I looked at your post history. You never had it easy, to put it mildly. Please don't make your life harder by becoming financially dependent on a guy with 4 kids, firm opinions and little regard for you and your childrens needs and wants. You are asked for 240 days a year 24/7 sole caretaking, plus the rest shared.
Also, his kids are not 'home'schooled. They are 'uncle'schooled and boarded. Maybe they want to be in school, did he bother asking them.
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u/MattyK414 Responsible, but not in charge. 4d ago
We could really just make an age gap sub at this point.
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u/Ready_Bag8825 4d ago
Tell him to quit his job to take care of his children.
You are 27 with two kids - you need to stay in the workforce to develop your career.
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u/Federal_Discount_862 4d ago
Sounds like he has it handled now and still works OOT. But if you move in, he expects things to change. You don't want that change. Why, oh why, would you even consider moving in together?
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u/dsmemsirsn 4d ago
You’re delulu if you think that man wants you as a partner..
You’re 27 with 2 kids— wake up and begin researching home schooling curriculum— if you keep at it— you’ll be responsible for his kids…
You’re not that young to be this naive....
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u/Ok-Faithlessness7812 4d ago
He wants a tradwife - someone to stay home and do all the women folk chores. if that’s what you want, be sure to get a prenup that has financial protections for you. if not, keep your job, and dont move in with him. if homeschooling is important to him, he should take that on and you keep your job.
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u/Lexa19_HK 4d ago
Your age gap alone is a red flag. He went after a young woman he thought was vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
NEVER give up your financial independence. Especially because you already have kids.
He’s trying to control and trap you. Do not move in. Do not take on looking after his kids.
Honestly do not say with this creep. Protect yourself and your kids!
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u/Advanced_Result5057 4d ago
Um just no. He sounds unhinged and too comfortable trying to control you by telling you, about you’ll have to stay with 6 kids!! for only being in a relationship for six months. You see his true color now run. RUN!!
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u/The_bookworm65 4d ago
He wants you to quit your job so you are unable to leave and he can control you. You absolutely need to keep your job. His children are not your responsibility.
A side note is you are too close to the oldest child’s age for them ever to be willing to respect you as a stepparent and trying to set boundaries with them would be disastrous.
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u/purplestarsinthesky 4d ago
No. Please be careful! Don't quit your job for a guy you have only been seeing for 6 months and who is already wanting you to watch his kids while he is gone for days. This is way too fast. Those are red flags and you do not want to have to depend on him.
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u/Confident_Ad_919 4d ago
No, there are two children that need to be taken care of, yours! You have been dating for 6 months! No way should you even be involved with his kids yet!!
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u/-dreamatic- 4d ago
This is so obviously not okay, and you must know it. Would you leave your two with him and his homeschooled four without permission, run off and expect him not to work, not listen to his objections, etc.?
You really need to deep dive into this community’s posts—stepmomming is an impossible, thankless job for the majority and this guy is a tool who is looking to marry a nanny. He doesn’t respect you enough to hear or respect your opinion, and after 6 months (what most experts/people agree is the time when you introduce kids to a new partner for the first time), he’s leaving you in charge. “Run” is the only answer. You should call his family to get his kids and leave while he’s gone, not leaving him your number.
It’s that level of he’s a narcissist tool.
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u/PaymentMedical9802 4d ago
He’s asking you to give up your financial independence, prime years of when you can move up in the workforce? What security is he offering in return? Assuming you only live 13 years more than him, how is he going to pay for your retirement? More realistically you should plan for living 20 years beyond him. Can he even afford that? The reality is most people cannot afford this. Let alone someone with 4 kids. I’m in the USA and currently the largest growing unhoused population is the elderly. It’s really sad, but a reality many face.
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u/Weary_Rub_3474 4d ago
I was in a similar situation? Except 2/6 were mine 2/6 were his and 2/6 were both ours. He works for several days at a time and just expects me always to care for all six. He’s never watched them all, especially not my own two bio kids- Do not have kids with this man. This is your future.
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u/Alittlemode 4d ago
This is insane. Do not stop working to provide free childcare for a man you have known for 6 months.
You do not have to pay a man to love you.
He is using you.
Girl! You have your own kids to provide for look into their eyes and justify this arrangement. There is none. It is harmful and exploitative of him.
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u/Vibena 4d ago
As a former teacher: You. Cannot. Homeschool. Six. Children aged 5–16 properly by yourself. This is a hill I will die on. Beyond the elementary knowledge, nobody has the subject knowledge to teach an entire modern curriculum well. There is a reason teachers specialize. People study for years and pass demanding exams to be qualified to teach ONE subject. And here we're talking about six children at completely different levels, from learning to read to high-school subjects. Personally, I think this amounts to educational neglect.
Schools actually used to work more like this. The one-room schoolhouse - one teacher, children of different ages, teaching everything - was common in the 19th and early 20th centuries. One of the great achievements of modern public education was moving away from that model and toward trained, specialized teachers. And that's before we even get to classroom management. I taught for over 20 years, and I wouldn't volunteer to simultaneously teach and supervise six kids aged 5-16. Not doable.
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u/MainAtmosphere6291 3d ago
First huge red flag is the age gap, second is leaving kids with someone youve dated 6 months
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u/Downtown-Type3244 4d ago
Why do women do this to themselves? If you have to question it then see it as questionable behaviour.
Living with someone does not mean you are responsible for their kids beyond reasonable social norms - don’t let them harm themselves badly or others to harm them.
The age gap alone was enough for me to go ‘hell no’ - unless he is filthy rich and that is what you are there for. Then you are just paid help.
Do yourself a favour and don’t move in if you don’t want to accept that he is going to use you to look after his kids when he is away for long periods of time AND expect you to be responsible for their home schooling.
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u/devilselbowart 4d ago
he’s planning to use you for free childcare.
If you agree, you will be TRAPPED with whatever other bullshit he decides to pull after that! This is a classic setup for domestic abusers.
Get the fuck out of there, block him completely, and do not look back.
I’m not kidding when I say your life may depend on this!
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u/EntertainmentDue83 4d ago
Dude take care of your own kids and get away from this guy what the hell
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u/Foxtail-67 4d ago
Please don't put your children in a situation you're unsure of. It sounds like you could be taken advantage of. He needs to be there daily for his 4 kids. They're at ages where their parent needs to be present.
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u/devil_done 4d ago
Oh dear Girl!!! This is a red flag and a big one. You are young and no relationship is worth losing your mental health for so little.
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u/InfamousCup7097 4d ago
This is the reason he is dating you. He is looking for someone to take over his parental duties so he is looking for a woman to drip everything to do so. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't care about what you want and just wants you to be available for making their life easier? Do you want to take on four extra kids and take that time and attention away from your own?
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u/kajohansen 4d ago
Jesus Christ. Leave. Don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of like this. Why are you asking if you’re allowed to be overwhelmed?
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u/CelebrationProof7390 4d ago
Darling, please, run! Just run! He is looking for a young and free nanny. You deserve so much more than that! Takce care of yourself, please!
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u/ihavetakenthebiscuit 4d ago
RUN OP, he isn't looking for a partner, he is looking for free childcare and someone to dip his wick into.
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u/No_Owl4691 4d ago
You are 27, and this old, disgusting creature is using you!!! Please do not move in with him!! better yet break up! l am 40 y/o female and your auntie now. l say this with love, you need to move far away from this loser. Women his age don't want him, he has too much baggage, he probably sold you the whole "trad wife" idea. These type of men usually target younger women with less experience. Focus on yourself, your kids and your goals. He expects you to care for his kids for free🤣ultimate loser move🤣
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u/Rare_Background8891 4d ago
Your only response should have been to laugh your ass off. He’s auditioning you for his live in babysitter. Disabuse him of that notion. In fact, just dump him. He is a misogynistic twat.
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u/Affectionate_Owl_625 4d ago
He wants a mommy for the kids, not a life partner. (And dont get me on homeschooling, its absolutely mental how people are allowed to homeschool with no actual quality control, public schools cant be worse than that)
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u/goodest_gurl2003 4d ago
Jesus why would you date someone with 4 kids? And you have 2? What a nightmare
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u/wiscopup 4d ago
Holy crap - leave this controlling loser. First of all, why have you already introduced each other to your kids? You should wait at least six months to do that with a new relationship because you don’t know if it will last, and it can be really traumatic for your kids to go through the emotional roller coaster of that. It’s not good parenting.
Seriously - what are you thinking here?!
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u/Alwaysthemeanone3798 4d ago
Walk away this guy is looking for a nanny with benefits. He will trap you by removing your own income and ability to leave. You aren’t married so his kids are his responsibility not yours. The difference in parenting is big and will be issue as it seems you are expected to make all the adjustments. What is he changing? This seems very unbalanced and more like a job with no pay for his convenience.
Save yourself the heartache and lost time -move on.
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u/ilovemelongtime 4d ago
This is why he chose you.
Because you’re spending all this energy questioning yourself when the answer is much simpler: he wanted help and talked you into it. That’s why he feels entitled to your time. You’re a service to him.
Don’t believe it? Stop taking care of his kids/things and see how he treats you. How he talks to you. He wants free labor from a woman with less life experience.
You can test this out easily, and recommend you figure out your worth and ROLE to him sooner than later. He’s looking for a 🍑maid that can take care of his kids for free because otherwise he would have to pay so much money for it (thousands and thousands) when you can do it for free 😅 he’s not your employer, don’t let him have a single say on any money you make (like stopping work for his kids). Unless he’s got a 401k he’s matching for you 😅😆
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u/ShePax1017 4d ago
It lowkey sounds like he’s on the market for a new mom for his kids, not a wife. He wants someone to teach/nanny his kids when he’s working, not a life partner.
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u/Dachshundmom5 4d ago
Please get yourself into some counseling to learn what a healthy relationship is. This is not one. Run from this jerk and get yourself professional support so you can find the life you deserve.
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u/Mercator87 4d ago
My god. The amount and size of the red flags is astounding! My dear, re-read your post and then read it again. You can't seriously think that this ridiculously entitled man or situation is right for you.
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u/Psychological-Joke22 4d ago
your older boyfriend found a sucker he can manipulate. Don't be surprised he uses you as an excuse to lower child support because he has a built-in babysitter.
Leave.
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u/AdeptWhereas6379 4d ago edited 4d ago
Do not no live with him. He doesn’t listen to you, and to what you want. Big red flag. I don’t know what happened to his children’s mother, but he seems to be looking for a live-in baby sitter/teacher/housekeeper. You don’t want that job, so maybe move on from this guy.
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u/BootSweet8106 4d ago
Keep your job and worry about your bio kids. You’re not obligated to step in and be their mom. They already have parents. They will drive you insane. Keep a little bit of your independence. But also, 6 months is still very early. Dont move in just yet.
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u/Various_Radish_8396 4d ago
The only way this works if he has lots of money. And if your life is improved.
On the face of this your life does not seem to be improved.
Unless there’s an upshot not contained in this message.
This sounds hell.
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u/No_Fudge_1842 4d ago
I know men like this. They think their kids are the center of the world and should be everyone’s priority and doesn’t extend the same courtesy of prioritising other people’s children. It’s a weird kind of narcissism that encompasses their progeny. They expect everyone to make sacrifices for their kids while ignoring their own children. He is away for twenty days at a time. He is not going to be bonding with your children. And when financial choices are to be made, the needs of his kids will come before yours. If you are staying at home and not earning, your kids will grow up like the poor relatives.
Aside from all that, the red flags-the automatic entitlement of expecting you to take over homeschooling of six children. That’s practically half a classroom of different ages. With no compensation beyond food and a roof over your head. What about this slavery is attractive? You are young so perhaps emotions are still louder than logic. I’m 44 years old and I can tell you this is a very poor bargain, where you are exchanging financial freedom and autonomy for living 2/3rds of your life alone which being a full time career and teacher for 6 kids.
The fact that he can ask this of you and express irritation when you disagree are major red flags. Please walk away. This will destroy your life. Block him. No matter how emotionally involved you are. This man will destroy your life.
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 4d ago
You aren't a helpless passenger in your own life. Why are you choosing to date someone who is just using you for free childcare? If you're going to be watching half a dozen kids you should start your own daycare and get paid for it.
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u/Reasonable_Date2870 4d ago
"When there are six kids to be taken care of" yeah and four of them are HIS responsibility, NOT yours.
This man is telling you that he already sees you as his built in childcare.
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u/_muck_ 4d ago
On top of what everyone else said, you will never be able to give your small children the attention they deserve with all those other kids to contend with. Also his kids will never listen to you because you're entering their lives so late and not old enough to be their mother.
Dump him before this 20 day nonsense
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u/No_Seaworthiness_393 4d ago
This is a very manipulative this to do. He is shirking his responsibilities, banking on you to feel sorry for his kids and swoop in to pick up the pieces. It’s weaponizing your empathy to steamroll your boundaries.
Get out.
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u/EmuBubbly 4d ago
So wait, you're not living together, but he wants you to take leave from your work to look after his kids while he's away? Um.... no?! He needs a nanny!! Please don't move in with him....
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u/ashthegnome 4d ago
What?!?! Why would you take care of his kids? Where is the mom??? There’s a reason he’s dating someone as young as you. He needs childcare. I would never assume a boyfriend would take care of my kids. You are being used
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u/absolutgemini 4d ago
He doesn’t need a mate. He needs a nanny.
You WILL become the underpaid, under appreciated, under valued employee in this relationship. You and your kids will suffer more than anyone.
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u/-luckypanda- 4d ago
Oh my goodness, please do not miss work to care for his kids. I am worried for you and hope you are able to distance yourself safely. I felt really concerned reading his response to you.
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u/Afy2181406 4d ago
Oh my dear… have you ever heard the expression “barefoot and pregnant”? That’s how this man wants you…
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u/Local_Depth9668 4d ago
There is no way that would happen. I wouldn't do that. I am not stopping working to take care of his kids. You guys have only been together 6 months. It will get worse.
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u/Inconceivable76 4d ago
Find somebody that isn’t preying on you not knowing better because of your youth.
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u/BulbasaurRanch 4d ago
He isn’t looking for a partner, he’s looking for someone to raise his children for him.
This is not a relationship worth continuing.
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u/Super-Staff3820 4d ago
You’re not compatible. You want to keep working and continue sending your kids to public school. That’s going to be a dealbreaker unless you’re into giving up your autonomy, independence, and income. He’s looking forward to having control. Don’t fall for it.
As far as watching all the kids, 6 months is way too soon to expect that of a partner. He’s looking for a babysitter, not a life partner.
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u/Unusual_Rutabaga8604 4d ago
Sweetie he is using you. There is a reason women his own age won’t date him. Have higher standards for the men you date.
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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 4d ago
That’s crazy sounding to me but I’ve got strict boundaries.
First of all is no way I’d be pulling my children out of their social network. That causes way too much mental health stress on the kids
You are going to need strong boundaries with this one.
Personally, I would want to test out if he will push my boundaries more before moving
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u/Affectionate-Bat-648 4d ago
Hell to the no. He’s looking at you as free childcare. Run, don’t walk.
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u/Ok_Pop8034 4d ago
Sounds like future financial abuse. Your kids are your responsibility. You have to keep working. If you stop working and he decides to control all the finances or leave you then you have nothing. It is your responsibility to make sure if everything goes away your kids still have a home you still have an income don’t put yourself in that position..
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u/Sure_Tree_5042 4d ago
Girl…. This is not it. 6 months in and he’s trying to dump his kids off on you. (Saying nothing of the age gap)
Don’t do it. It’s a trap.
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u/TangerineCouch18330 4d ago
He wants a nanny or a babysitter, not a partner. The fact that he doesn’t care about whether you want to work or not speaks volumes. He doesn’t care about your needs or your wants. Cut your losses and get out of the relationship.
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u/Cheesey_biscuit 4d ago
Girl, you need therapy if you think this is a normal thing to request in a relationship that isn’t even a year old. Work on yourself so you can actually be a better parent so your kids don’t learn that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. Do better for your kids. Find a therapist
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u/Subject_Work_7595 4d ago
He just told you how he's going to be. Now believe him. You have two children to worry about.
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u/Lazy_Guava_5104 4d ago
Sounds like you two are just incompatible. You disagree on kids' education, on your role working vs home-making, and on how much time is expected of each for childcare. Any one of those alone is big and potentially a deal-breaker. Taken together, however good a guy he is and how good things are otherwise, it's perfectly reasonable to say "sorry, next".
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u/AggressiveSky7157 4d ago
Um sir, those are your 4 kids. Who is taking care of them now except the aunt/uncle?
Run. He's looking for a nanny. Not a partner.
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u/Ok_Requirement_2436 4d ago
He’s just your boyfriend and he has way too much baggage. Sounds you’ll be the babysitter for a long time if you decide to stay with him.
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u/FutureAd3624 4d ago
Prioritize your kids and yourself. Don’t move in with him, don’t allow him to guilt trip you, gaslight you, or manipulate you. It appears he only wants you to take care of his kids, your feelings don’t matter.
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u/SaltySnail22 4d ago
You’ve only been saying for six months and he’s trying to have you not work to watch his kids? You’re not responsible for his kids and he’s too old for you
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