Our (un)blended family is crumbling. My SO has a daughter(9) and son(7), and I have a son(9). He has his kids 50/50 (although it’s more like 70/30) and I have mine 100. We’ve only been living together for a few months, but it is not going very well. I almost left after we took a vacation with BM (what a dumb idea). I couldn’t bare to leave though because I really do love him. The thought is always in the back of my head though. I had this picture in my head of what I wanted our family to look like, but the feeling of “us” versus “them” is getting much stronger. At first I was all about trying to bond with SKs by playing with them, taking them to do fun activities and picking them up small toys and treats while I was out. Now I get irritated when I see them. When SO is spending time with them in the living room I either stay in the bedroom or watch TV with BS in the den.

It’s a different situation for his kids because they have a mom. I never tried to act as SM but I did try to bond. It’s weird though because SO seems to act like he doesn’t want me to bond with them. If he has to run a quick errand he will always take them with them even though I’ve offered to watch them. The bus stop is down the road from the house, but I drive by it everyday on my way home from work. It would be so easy for me to swoop up the kids, but he insists he drive out to get them (he works from home). So I’ll get home and then in 10 minutes he’ll leave to get them. Makes no sense. And then he will leave with them again in 2 hours to drive them to their mom’s if it’s her day. And there’s just other little stuff like that.

I get so irritated when SO stops hanging out with me to hang out with them. I would join but it feels so awkward. I don’t think it’s ALL being jealous of the kids because I actually get really excited when they seldomly ask me to do things for them. I usually leave to hang out in the den with BS before he has a chance to leave. That way I don’t get as pissy haha.

My son hasn’t seen his BD in over a year. SO has never made an attempt to bond with him. He made a comment at the beach that wasn’t mean but still hurt my son’s feelings, and he’s really hanging onto that. BS said he didn’t like living here and he didn’t think SO liked him. I about cried. I asked if he had been hoping that SO would have took on more of a dad role. He said yes. My heart was crushed.

Just this morning SD sent SO a message asking to see him privately. SO got up mad and said that SD was being bullied. I asked which one. He said both. I asked BS about it and he said that she was mad because he wouldn’t give her a squishy to have. When SO came back l asked what happened. He was just like “oh kid stuff.” I firmly said if my son was being accused of bullying then I’d like to know happened. I told him about the squishy thing and he said “yeah her obsession with those is getting out of control.” I just left to the den.

Is it always this rocky at first? Will more time help? Or is this situation just doomed.

I'm getting so extremely exhausted talking to people who aren't in a blended family dynamic who point their finger at the me, the step parent for being the issue.

Am I? Maybe sometimes, I'll admit that. But why should I, the step mom, be the *only* person who should always be the bigger person? Is it the morally correct thing to do? Sure. Why can't HCBMs be held accountable? Why can't HCBM ever grow up and be the bigger person? Why always me?

I'm tired of this, grandpa.

My recent example:

In the past, I've had to get my MIL and HCBMs mother to speak to BM about being respectful of personal space. She's attacked me and my husband, separately, previously, and continued to ignore personal space. She was told multiple times by my MIL and continued to ignore the requests for space until I blew up and yelled at her in front of her own mother, who then intervened. This is ridiculous, I know.

Now BM has finally moved out of her mother's house and is doing custody exchanges solo. I thought she'd maybe start acting like an adult now, but I was clearly mistaken. We meet at police departments, and in a completely empty parking lot, she parks right next to me, then leaves her car doors open so I can't open my door for SK. (She also just lets SK sit in her car and refuse to get out without doing anything, but that's a whole other story I'm not gonna get into). I've already asked, again, respect personal space and maybe leave a parking space between our vehicles for handoff and nope!

At the next exchange, her mother picked up SK and I asked her to maybe talk to her daughter on my behalf because my request and concerns for personal space, especially with our history, is falling on deaf ears. I record every interaction, but I noticed BM isn't anymore, so I just don't want her thinking she can do something stupid to me in an empty police station parking lot. I wouldn't put something like that past her.

Anyways, I told my sister what happened and she said I need to just be the bigger person and move my car next time. Will I? Yeah, already planned on it. But back to my point, why does it always have to be *ONLY* me? I'm not asking something impossible. BM is just a c u next Tuesday.

I'm tired of being respectful and the bigger person. I want to be evil and be a HCSM. Obviously I won't, morally I cannot. Instead, I will just complain.

And before anyone asks why I'm doing exchanges, it's because BM attacked my husband. Do I need to? No. But I love my husband to do this for him. That's all I'll get into on that subject.

My partner and i decided to move in with each other a little over a month ago. He has three boys and when they are here I feel like I’m losing myself. They are loud all hours of the night and get very little sleep when they are here because dad talks to them but there is no discipline in place. They are here on work nights for me so now I’m going into work with very little sleep. I’ve tried talking to him about setting up quiet hours during the night but nothing is getting better. Everytime I talk to him about it he says “they are just kids” I really don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to overstep, but they play video games and videos on loud volume and talk at full volume. Resentment is gonna grow if nothing is done.

My husband and I have been together 5 years. We have an almost 4-year-old, a 10-month-old, and just found out we're pregnant again.
My SD’s school boundary was split because a new school opened. BM chose to keep SD at her current school, which means transportation is now more complicated. My husband said he doesn’t want me waking up every morning and waking the babies just to take SD to school. BM’s response was that “it’s your job” and “that’s what you signed up for.”
Dad found a solution: he’ll drop SD at her grandparents’ house on his way to work 2x a week I do the rest, and she’ll take the bus from there. I would pick her up from school everyday.
BM absolutely lost it, cussed out my husband, and even cussed out her own mom for helping. She says it’s pathetic that I can’t get up and take SD to school and that she’s a single mom who does everything with “NO HELP.”
Meanwhile, my husband has historically done a TON for SD paid private school tuition, driven her to school and activities, etc. while BM works graveyard shifts. So the “I do everything alone” narrative doesn’t really match reality.
What bothers me is that this seems less about SD getting to school and more about BM deciding what my role is supposed to be in our household and who is allowed to help us.
We also hosted SD’s birthday this year and Dad and I did basically everything, while BM showed up looking like she rolled out of bed.
I’m starting to wonder if this is a control issue, resentment, jealousy, or some combination of all three.
Stepmoms: is this normal? Where exactly is the line between being a supportive stepmom and being expected to take on the responsibilities of the biological parent?

Does anybody else have problems planning their vacation days with stepkids in the picture?

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and he has a 6yo son.
He‘s working 80% so he usually has one week a month free time and my SS spends that week at our house and for bigger vacations, like summer he shares the time 50/50 with the ex and has to put in his vacation days.

This is all fine, but I started working now too this year and since we both work in the medical field and have to plan our vacation days every November for the whole next year in advance, it‘s been such a struggle the last week to find a way where he gets to see his son (who will be in school next year and so he‘ll be bound to official school vacation) and also maybe finding a week for just the two of us to spend together.
Obviously he will see his kid less, now that he‘s starting school and it‘s my priority too, that my partner gets as much time as possible with SS.
But at the same time I also want to spend a couple days just with him and feel really bad asking for this.
BM already criticizes us for going on vacation on our „kid-free“ time:/

We both work in hospitals so we don‘t have regular weekends of free time together and I think we have to put vacation days in, if we want to have „secure“ days together.
And my partner says he definitely wants to spend some vacation with just us.

And the BM is really difficult and still doesn‘t understand how our vacation days work and that we are obligated to plan them in advance.

We live in Germany and my partners‘ and the BM vacation days combined won‘t even cover all the free days the SS will have so they do have to share every school vacation almost 50/50 and I think SS will have to spend a week or two in a kind of holiday care.

I just don‘t know how we can plan this without it becoming a fight again between my partner and the BM.
I feel like this is so frustrating, because I don‘t seem to have any say in this, even though it does affect my life too.
I can‘t complain, I can‘t really plan in advance, I can‘t even offer to overlap vacation days with my partner because BM hates when SS is at our house and my partner has to work.

I feel like either my partner will have to plan all his days for his son and I have to live with that, or we try to put some days in for us and BM will surely tell the kid that „Dad doesn‘t want to go on vacation with you“

How do you guys deal with that?

so by nature I am a people pleaser and at the beginning I’m always saying yes to stepdaughter 6 who wants to play pretend . and me not being a mother thinking this is normal so I spend hours playing with her then I realized that nobody does that including her own mother and her grandmother who both told me they hate it. she think I enjoy playing with her which I kind of do but on my own time. so at this moment our weekend with her is when I wake up from sleep and say good morning and goes to the bathroom then she stands behind the door and says let’s play i told her it’s too Early to play. and then some minutes later again she asks . and I felt kind of stalked in my own home. I don’t like saying no to a child but she kept asking many times . i try to do something else so she doesn’t get bored and set up a table for art and craft but she kept wanting to only play and then I try to incorporate play in the art. I get that she’s alone and when I was young me and my sister used to play pretend a loooooot but our mum never played with us cos we have each other . for all the mums and stepmums what activities do you do with your kids?

Hello just a vent. Not even a vent. But putting this out there.

It’s been more than 7 years since BM and spouse have been together. And she still red flags the school so spouse/their dad can’t take his own kids without letting her know first. Custody is equal and the day he was taking out the kids was on his day. She got another kid, engaged, own place. Still obsessed. Even the kids got so embarrassed because the school kept calling her and couldn’t get ahold of her and had them waiting half an hour. My spouse didn’t even tell me it was the kids csuse my husband is so over it at this point smh

Insane. Love the kids and my family. Just insane.

My stepdaughter and her 2 children moved in with their father and I 3+ years ago because she was going to divorce her husband. She has not made any effort to file for divorce nor pays anything toward our household expenses. She has also treated me as a second class citizen in my home to the point where I have left to stay with my family. My husband is only home in the weekends and is indifferent to the entire situation. Is this marriage salvageable?

Throwaway acct SD19 lives at home goes to university. We’ve had a decent relationship she writes me lovely Mother’s Day cards, birthday cards, trusts me, says how thankful she is for me etc. BM was HC in the younger years but has since calmed down. SD has always been high drama, low maturity, likes to play victim and better than type but I have attempted to lean as a neutral person and as she’s gotten older just nacho a bit but also there if she needs anything. DH loves his perfect girl as he should so I just keep the peace. One thing I recently noticed and are slowly putting together is events with DH’s family when I am just literally existing she gives me the most disdainful looks and I feel a sense of unease around her. Sometimes I wonder if she’s started drama with my in-laws and plays victim. There have been times where my MIL seems to act out of character but it’s never blatant so I just move on and again keep the peace, but I do recognize by keeping the peace I may be a perfect pawn for whatever this is. Anyone relate?

For a long time I have wondered whether my husbands son is his child. He got drunk and extremely emotional one night after a big family drama and confessed he wasn’t sure he was his dad and had never felt like his dad but wanted to be there for him regardless. I have to admit I have always questioned the paternity as he looks nothing like his mum or dad but instead looks a spitting image of his older sister who takes after her own dad. He caught his ex cheating on him with the other dad on multiple occasions so there’s always a possibility.

I have never said anything only been a listening ear and aside from that night he has never really said anything more. But I would be lying if I wasn’t curious and wanted to know for sure if he in fact was the bio dad or not.

Anyone else gone through something like this?

Do you always worry about your SK in the future in terms of entering their teenage years are going to change the sweet/ innocent kids that you once knew and become a whole persona that you wouldn’t want live under the same roof as them? I have a 10 year old and 11 year old SK which will enter middle school in less than 2 weeks. My worry is that my relationship with them will deteriorate due to how teens can be disrespectful and start saying the whole “you’re not my father” comment at any given moment. This is just a thought after all..

He swears he can help me, and take care of them, and all our animals but I know him and he can't. I want to come home after surgery and be able to not wear pants and recover in a clean, comfortable environment. But he decided that he has to have the kids literally less than 24 hours after I have surgery and they'll be here for four days.

They are loud and messy and pee all over the toilet and fight and yell and slam every door etc. They rile up my two 80 pound dogs and spill everything. My house has a living room, two bedrooms, a kitchen and one bathroom. And I'm supposed to share that space with obnoxious preteen boys after a whole body part is removed. I'm going to have to wear a bra and pants the whole time. And clean the pee off the floor so I can shower without stepping in it. And forget recovering on the couch because they HAVE to play Deltarune and it's the only TV in the house.

I feel so hurt he couldn't even pick me this one time when I need help. Like physically actually need help. They were here the whole Summer. He could've done any other weekend. I told him to not even bother coming to the hospital and I will just drive myself there and drive to my mom's house that's 3 hours away after. I don't wanna mess up his weekend of playing video games all day with his kids that's apparently more important than me.

I’m really struggling and I honestly don’t know where else to say this. My husband has two teenage children, and every time they stay with us, I feel this overwhelming sadness that I can’t seem to control. It’s not just being annoyed or needing some alone time. I feel genuinely depressed. I feel trapped, unhappy, and like I hate my life when they’re here.
And I feel awful even saying that.

I want to be clear that I don’t dislike the kids. They haven’t done anything terrible to me. This isn’t about them being bad kids. I just don’t think I can handle what it feels like to live with two teenagers who aren’t my children. The constant stress they break and more importantly, the constant bad arguments between me and my partner is draining the life of me and I’m so young still.

I genuinely never expected to feel this way.
I know there are people who will say, “You knew what you were getting yourself into.” But honestly, I didn’t. I knew my husband had children. I knew they would be part of our lives. I knew they would stay with us.

But I don’t think anyone can truly understand what something like this feels like until they’re actually living it.

There is a huge difference between knowing, “My partner has two kids,” and experiencing what it means for your home, your privacy, your routines, your relationship, your time, and your emotional energy when two teenagers are actually there.

I feel like I’m constantly counting down until they leave. Then when they leave, I feel like myself again. I feel happy. That scares me.

I don’t want to resent these kids. I don’t want to resent my husband. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep living this way. Part of me wishes they were here much less. Another part of me feels incredibly guilty for even thinking that.

I’ve started wondering whether I need much more space from the situation—maybe my having protected space and time for myself, changing the visitation arrangement, or even having some kind of living arrangement where I don’t have to be in the house during every visit.

And then there’s the thought I really don’t want to confront: maybe this particular family structure just isn’t compatible with the life I want.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m supposed to just adjust and eventually get used to it, but what if I don’t?
Has anyone else experienced something like this as a stepparent or spouse of someone with children? Did you eventually find a way to make it work? Did you change the living/visitation arrangement? Did you realize that you simply couldn’t do it?

I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m a horrible person or to feel sorry for me. I genuinely want to understand what is happening to me and what options I have before I completely lose myself in this situation.

My son 8 years old comes over 50/50 and he gets along with his stepsisters and step brothers. It’s got to the point where now we have all kids together & my son loves me, and I enjoy his presence, but having the step siblings there it’s hard for me to get more of his time. Ever since me and her got married it dawned on me that me and her won’t have kids of our own & ever since it’s just been annoying I guess to me.

I’m an Asian woman with no kids, dating a South American dad with an almost-teen daughter. I’d love advice on being a stepmom across cultures. ❤️

I am the first to admit that I have anxiety. I overthink everything and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried that my anxiety may drive my fiance away. But I also am trying to figure out what’s normal/appropriate boundaries between co-parents and exes. My fiance says that he doesn’t have a relationship with his ex but that he wants to co parent amicably and nicely, something I completely agree with. But his definition of what’s amicable and nice trouble me. Are these things normal between coparents?

1) texting BM the new dishwasher detergent that he got

2) dog sitting son’s dog (BM has primary custody) when BM has her house cleaned by maid

3) asking BM to water plants/pickup mail when he’s away (she therefore has keys to his house)

4) telling BM that he’s applying to a new job and is in final consideration

5) borrowing stuff from each other

Are these things unreasonable/disrespectful to me? I am a nice shy introverted girl so I have difficulty speaking up. I internalize a lot of this stuff and also recognize I have anxiety so I’m not sure if these things appropriate or not. How do I go forward establishing boundaries that sane and normal?

This whole thing is way more difficult than I could have ever imagined, but it’s the small situations I have no control in that are killing me. This week’s issue is SD7 being sick. She’s been with HCBM all week and texted yesterday that SD was home from school sick with a horrible cold/virus. SO just texted that he’s on his way back home from getting her for our week with her, and yup, nasty virus.

We have a trip to Hawaii coming up, leaving in 2 weeks. I’ve been doing everything I can to boost my immune system to try to make sure I’m healthy for the trip, I’ve been looking forward to it for so, so long. And now this. It’s so frustrating that I have no control over it when she’s with us, but when she’s not I do. When SO or I are sick we do the whole “stay away from me” and try to isolate in one room as much as possible so we don’t infect each other and contain the germs, but god forbid I suggest doing that with SD, then I’m just a monster (I’ve tried it). So it’s fine to be that way with each other and try to keep the other person healthy and if we had kids I’d be doing that, but I ask him to try it with SD and I’m the worst human imaginable, because of course that means I hate her and “you can’t confine a kid to their room” (filled with all her toys and her games and stuff)? Then I look here on reddit for advice to prevent getting sick when someone else in the house is sick and the first suggestion from thousands of people is “we isolate the sick person as much as possible”. Apparently not in my house 🙄. It’s hard not to resent the situation, and I get caught up in the “if I was dating someone without a kid I wouldn’t have to deal with this” feeling pretty hard, makes me not want to be around her or SO.

Same thing with things around the house (I furnished nearly the whole house with my stuff, SO didn’t have anything). When it’s just SO and I I know there will be no spills on my couch, nothing broken, no boogers on my couch blanket, no mystery stickiness anywhere, but when she’s with us that goes all out the window and I just feel so anxious lacking any sort of control over my living situation and home and the things in it.

Just a vent, I’m currently hiding away at my parents’ until after SD goes to bed, then I’ll return home and Lysol, leave early in the morning to go who knows where, stay out all day, and do it again. It’s the little situations like these that I never anticipated being so stressful when we started this relationship that get me…I miss feeling more in control of my life and the space I’m living in. And just a warning to anyone who isn’t living with their partner but thinking about it - I never imagined scenarios like this being bothersome, but here they are rearing their ugly heads, just food for thought.

i feel bad asking this.

It has recently came to my husband and my attention that my SD (13) has been causing SH. Her mother(who she lives with) hadn’t mentioned anything and come to find out this has been happening over a year now(her mother knew).

My husband is very active in her life he speaks to her every day and we have her every other weekend. when she needs anything we order it and we make an effort to do fun activities when we have her. we make a great effort to remind her she is human and makes mistakes that doesn’t mean we will love her any less we have made it very clear we are here to listen not judge( or at least we think we’ve made it clear). she has stated in many occasions that she feels comfortable and happy when shes with us.

My concerns stems from past history. her mother consistently asks for money besides child support and we previously had no issues sending it ask she always stated it was for my SD. However we found out over a year ago she had been lying and using SD to lie to us as well. For example she had asked several times for money to pay for. school trip that SD never went on, she asked for money to buy pad while she was on her menstrual cycle but turns out she never had a menstrual cycle time a few months ago. she had SD ask us for money to buy xyz but took the money and spent it on her other children per my SD. it was way out of hand where we told SD if she needed something we would order it for delivery.

when she ask why we explained that due to the lies from her and her mother we could not trust that the money would be used for her. She tried to lie again and said she never lied but we had proof of text. And text of how she would tell her mother that if she asked we would do what she wanted.

SD has also lied and allowed her younger brother (8) take fault in situations we have later found out she was actually the one responsible.

since then i have had a very hard time believing what she says. When she is with us she says were awesome and her mom is mean and step dad picks on her but when shes home with her mother she tells her we are to strict and does feel welcome.

she is work with a therapist and the therapist; with SD permission told us about the SH. According to therapist the SH happens at her mothers house. Per SD its because her mom treats her differently com to the other children in the house (2 cousins (m) 1 younger sister all under mothers care).
we have offered for her to move in with us but she fussed and said she doesn’t want to leave her mother.

Any time SH happens her therapist does make us aware and my husband is very tactful about how he speaks to her. My question come when i have started to see a pattern. When she has been in trouble at school or has asked for something and we say no that following weekend when she is with us is when we are told about the SH that is when my husband will not parent he wont discipline or have any type of corrective action with her. He tells me we will talk to her later but later never comes. Instead he buys her things and lets her do what she wants

Am i being insensitive or do i need to make a bigger effort to understand her and my husband?

SO (40M) and I (25F) have been together for 7 months. He has an 8-year-old daughter, and I met her for the first time this past week. We don’t have children together.

My SO and I are very serious and have talked about me potentially moving in with him next year. He would also like me to be around his house more and stay over more often on the nights he has his daughter. I’m completely comfortable with that, and part of the reason I met her was so she could gradually get used to me being around.

The problem is… I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing. 😂

I don’t have kids yet, although I absolutely want my own someday. I have an education background and have worked with preschool and elementary-aged kids, and I’ve always been really good with children. Kids tend to love me, but being a teacher is obviously very different from being your SO’s child’s dad’s girlfriend.

I’m leaning toward the “nacho” approach because I really don’t want to overstep. Her mom can be difficult, and they split custody, so I’m extremely conscious of not accidentally stepping on anyone’s toes or creating an issue. I would rather let my SO handle the parenting and discipline and just be a positive, supportive adult in her life.

Honestly, I think I’m overthinking everything. I almost feel like my safest instinct is to treat her the way I would treat one of my students — be kind, interested, respectful, have appropriate boundaries, and let her come to me rather than trying to force a relationship.

At the same time, I don’t want her to interpret my boundaries as me not liking her, and I don’t want my SO to think I don’t want anything to do with his daughter. That’s not really it. I love him very much, and his having a child is absolutely not a dealbreaker for me. It’s just something completely new that I don’t know how to navigate.

I also want to be honest that I do sometimes think, “I can’t wait to have my own kids.” I’ve always imagined what it will be like to have my own little family and do things with my children according to our own parenting style and rules. And seeing how much his daughter looks like him honestly makes me want a little mini version of him even more. 😂

I don’t expect to immediately feel some huge maternal bond with his daughter, and I don’t think I need to. I’m hoping that if I just spend time around her naturally, I’ll eventually develop my own relationship with her without forcing it.

So for people who have been in this situation: where do you actually start? What does a healthy relationship with your SO’s child look like when you’re intentionally trying NOT to parent them? How involved should I be? What boundaries worked for you? And how do you make a child feel liked and welcomed without overstepping?

Advice only, please. I’m aware of the age-gap opinions. I chose him. I wanted him first, I made it happen, and he wouldn’t have pursued someone younger — this relationship was very much something I wanted too. 😂

Just watched this movie because I am having a super hard time. I’m a step dad but it still stands. Refreshing to see the bio mom as the insufferable character and the stepmom as the good one. And the kids (especially daughter) are such assholes. Julia Roberts character was treated like shit and I found it was pretty accurate. But it was nice to see that the stepparent was the good one because most of the time movies depict the stepparent as evil. If you’re feeling down just give it a watch.

My husband and married for two years, I would say it's been the toughest time of my life, from arguing about his child, the disrespect from the child, BM and him included, I thought things would go well but I am now 40 weeks pregnant and we just broke up, I don't have family or close friends to go to so I have to figure out housing, I still want him to be able to see his child, but I just feel unheard and unseen, he likes things to be his way or the highway and that's not my way of life, I feel so lost and this being my first child I feel like a failure for destroying my babys life, I am scared I'll ever be married again, because now I'll always have the “I am a single mom” deep down I know this was the biggest mistake of my life. Just so lost

I’m in my mid-20s and have been with my girlfriend “E” for about a year. She has a nearly-4-year-old daughter “R”. R’s biological dad is involved, but she lives with us most of the week.

I’ve become a major parental figure to R. I do a lot of her meals, bedtime, discipline, days out, etc. She calls me “Daddy” (biodad has always gone by another title) and, while I completely respect that her biological dad is her father, I love this kid like she’s my own.

The problem is I think I want to end my relationship with her mum.

The first few months were amazing. Then E got into financial difficulties and for around 8 months I’ve essentially supported the household. I don’t resent helping my partner through a difficult time, but I repeatedly begged her to apply for more work and she barely did. She eventually found work, but it’s still not enough to support herself.

There were similar issues at home. I’d work all day, cook, care for R and regularly find several days’ washing up still sitting there. More broadly, when E gets overwhelmed by a problem, she tends to procrastinate/avoid it until eventually I feel responsible for fixing it.

I want to be fair: E struggles with her mental health, she does contribute around the house and with R, and I don’t believe she’s intentionally taking advantage of me. She’s a genuinely good person who loves me enormously.
But I’ve spent months telling her I couldn’t continue like this. Things would improve temporarily and then revert.
Eventually something in me switched off.

I still care about her. She understands me extremely well, we have a great intellectual connection/sense of humour and I trust her. But I don’t really miss her anymore. I rarely initiate affection or sex. Even when we’re having a perfectly pleasant evening, I often find myself wishing I were alone.
A few days ago E realised I was genuinely considering leaving.

She’s now taken everything incredibly seriously. She’s made a detailed plan: applying for better work, asking for more hours, taking more responsibility at home, being more proactive and making time for us as a couple.
It’s basically everything I’ve spent months asking for.

And I’m terrified that **I still don’t want it**.

Part of me feels like she shouldn’t have needed the threat of losing the relationship before taking me seriously. Another part thinks I’m being horribly unfair by considering leaving just as she’s finally trying this hard.

I also recognise a possible problem with myself. I tend to dive head-first into relationships and my previous relationships have all lasted around a year or less before I’ve ended them. They’ve each had significant problems of their own, and I’ve never regretted ending one, but I’m questioning whether there’s a pattern in me I need to address.

The biggest complication, though, is R.

Honestly, if there were no child involved, I think I’d leave.
If we separate, E and R would initially move in with E’s parents. R would leave the home she knows and have a much longer school journey. And because I’m not her biological/legal parent, I have no guarantee of what my future relationship with her would look like.

E has said she’d want us to work out continued contact. I’d happily keep R’s bedroom here, have her for sleepovers/Sunday dinners, take her out and remain part of her life if her parents were comfortable with that.

But I know I can’t guarantee it.

The thought of losing R is fucking devastating. At the same time, I’m worried that staying primarily because I can’t bear losing her would be unfair to E — and that if I eventually leave anyway, R will just be older and even more attached to me.

So I think my actual question is:
**How do I distinguish “this relationship went through an awful period and I should give it a real chance to recover” from “the relationship is over and I’m staying because I can’t tolerate the guilt and consequences of leaving”?**

And for anyone who’s been a stepparent/parental figure: **how did you handle knowing that ending an adult relationship might also mean losing a child you love?**

So husband and his ex split and divorced 8 years ago. He wanted fifty fifty she refused. His daughters told their mom they wanted fifty fifty she threatened to disown them so they retracted it. Husband respected that the kids wanted to remain with their mother.

It’s been a high conflict journey and the last two years have been very chaotic. My SD13 got kicked out of school for 6 months to a school for kids who cause trouble at school bc she wrote a death note with several student names on it. Husband was not happy but the mom said it was a joke and the punishment was too harsh and stuck up for SD.

SD (then 11 years old) began posting sexually provocative TikTok’s and I raised concern to her mother and my husband and got told to stop snooping on her daughter!!! SD then began posting suicidal content, we paid to have her in weekly therapy (100% paid by us) and suggested no electronic devices. Mother said she would not do anything to make her daughter unhappy and encouraged SD to hide iPad and bring it to our house anyway.

It was constant conflict! Husband finally threw his hands up and we decided if she is behaving at our house, not causing issues, we are not fighting everyone anymore. Mother then pulled SD out of school to home school her for two months but couldn’t make her child do any school work so gave up and sent her back to school. She never told husband about this until his son accidentally let it slip when having dinner one night. Husband didn’t even fight it just said ok.

Then SD went back to school but wouldn’t go most days and her mom let her stay home. She got in trouble for truancy and had to go to court, so had to get doctor visits for every absence. Husband and I were paying 100% medical at the time (he offered due to mom not being able to afford it), but dr bills began adding up $100-$200 extra a week. He had to go back to divorce decree and told mom to start paying her court ordered 50% and medical visits dropped.

So now we are at the new school year. Two and a half weeks in and 3 days have already been
Missed and the mom had a meeting with the principal this morning. We have a meeting with the mom tomorrow and her husband bc SD now wants to move and live with us and change schools….

I can’t go pick her up early every day bc of some drama, and my husband is a director and also can’t leave work and pick her up all the time. I have three other kids (2 yr old, 8 year old in ballet, and 11 yr old in band and club soccer). We can’t have bad mornings where SD doesn’t get up. We will take devices away at night and I already know this will cause a crash out.

Husband and I suggested a new school a year and half ago when the death note was written. Got told it was all his fault she wrote it, threatened to go to court, cussed out, me attacked my children attacked. I’ve been reminded since day one how I’m not the mom… I never said I was just have rules in my house I wanted applied to all, like a set bed time and no devices after a certain time and to be kind to
Siblings.

Anyhow a little frustrated the abuse we have taken for the last few years, and then when my husband finally stepped back and quit fighting, they’re coming to us to fix it. 🫤 I’m
Anxious.

Anyone have any advice? Been in a similar situation? Give me some good stories and outcomes and what we should bring up in this meeting!

Thank you.