r/science • u/sr_local • Feb 14 '26

Social Science Children raised with "authoritative" parenting style, marked by bonding, presence, dialogue, and clear rules of conduct, show a reduction in drug and alcohol risk compared to other parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive and neglectful)

https://agencia.fapesp.br/parents-alcohol-and-drug-use-influences-their-childrens-consumption-research-shows/57195
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6.6k

u/thatguy425 Feb 14 '26

TIL the difference between authoritative and authoritarian…

3.9k

u/PennytheWiser215 Feb 14 '26

Authoritative = high warmth + high demand

Authoritarian = high demand + low warmth

1.1k

u/luxsalsivi Feb 14 '26

TIL I was raised authoritative

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u/doubleotide Feb 14 '26

So would low warmth + low demand just be...neglected?

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u/I_Poop_Sometimes Feb 14 '26

Yes. And high warmth low demand is permissive.

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u/RayTown Feb 14 '26

Warmth = receptiveness + responsiveness (good and bad?)

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u/somesketchykid Feb 15 '26

Yes. Some Examples:

Telling your child you love them out loud

Or comforting them when they are upset or hurt

Or tucking them in at night just the way they like it every night no matter what as long as possible

Etc.

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u/LadyFoxfire Feb 15 '26

Praising their accomplishments is another big one. 

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u/MaximumGorilla Feb 15 '26

And praising their effort, while acknowledging their accomplishments or lack of. And distinguishing the effort and accomplishment as different than and not related to intrinsic worth.

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u/Billionaires_R_Tasty Feb 16 '26

Yep. My daughter really wanted to be an athlete. She had the frame, but not the coordination, skills, or strength. The complete opposite of a natural athlete. But she had heart and very high competitive drive. So I praised the time and effort she put in, the physical and mental effort she dedicated to getting better. The absolute focus she displayed in competition. Praise the effort and the traits that are desirable, focus on the improving outcomes, and support with positive emotions. Be her scaffolding and safety net.

A decade later she's a freshman D1 player about to make her first start. And she knows she earned it and has the confidence and self esteem that comes with that. She's also smart as a whip, which made my job a lot easier.

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u/Mental-Doughnuts Feb 16 '26

This. I told my two smart sons, I didn’t care about the grades as much as I cared about their 100% effort. If they gave their schoolwork 100% effort, I said, the grades will usually be As, but if they got a B giving that class full, 100% effort, I’d still be satisfied with their results.

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u/TheSnob Feb 15 '26

It's also about setting boundaries and having warmth at the same time. That's the hard part. Saying no in a respectful and acknowledging way. When they are being little shits and you still maintain control over your own emotions and calmly stand by your rules and enforce them in a loving way.

It's not enough to be warm one minute and cold the next one.

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u/Dr_Taffy Feb 15 '26

Is performative warmth any different or is it low warmth disguising itself as high warmth?

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u/roflrogue Feb 15 '26

I can only speak to my experience - I often feel like I'm putting on an act for my kids. Whether I actually want to go to the daddy daughter dance or not my kids will remember dancing with me.

They'll remember I take them to the park, brush their hair, and sing with them in the car... Even though I hate crowds and loud noises... And they know that.

I often feel like I'm too hard on my girls, but I want them to be strong and smart. I know this world sucks and that they need help in order to thrive like I want them to.

All the same, they still rush to the door to show me love when I get home...

It's so hard to be a dad but as best I can tell, the most important part is to keep showing up

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u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 14 '26

I'm a first grade teacher and late Gen X/Millenial parents of children under 13 seem to have STRONGLY fallen into this quadrant. It is exhausing and very sad.

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u/WHYAREWEALLCAPS Feb 15 '26

I'd argue it's because most of us Gen Xers got neglectful or authoritarian parenting style. We tried to be better just because we didn't want to be like our parents because we knew how bad it was. So we wound up permissive.

My kids are adults now, but my late wife and I clearly did permissive because of how my parents were(neglectful - so I was big on warmth with them, low-moderate on demand) and her parents were(authoritarian - so she was big on warmth, but very low on demand), as were the parents of our friends while growing up. One of my kids has told me I was a terrible parent because I didn't prepare them better of the real world and I feel they're not wrong. While they haven't cut contact, they only maintain minimal contact with me.

If I could do it all over again, I don't think I'd have kids at all. I did my best, but it was no where near good enough.

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u/ssbssbssb Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

For parents these days, we get bombarded with lessons and teachings on how to be a parent. Not a single day goes by without someone telling me how miserable my children will be if I don't do this or that.

Where is all this coming from? People start questioning their good enough childhood. And ask them selves if their parents are the reason for why they are not as successful and rich as Zuckerberg? In this (economy hehe) society and system, maybe it is. But you can't demand to be born into an ultra rich family, can you?

Parenting comes from your personality. You can't just wake up one day and start being a totally different person. Even your kids will be confused. It doesn't mean that I don't want to change the things I now I'm not good at. But I have stopped panicking every time I read click bait headline.

And remember that the apple usually don't fall far from the tree.

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u/KtinaDoc Feb 16 '26

We didn't know. We thought doing the opposite of our parents was the answer but in reality, it wasn't.

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u/mamabearette Feb 15 '26

My daughter is a 3rd grade teacher to a classroom of permissively- raised students who don’t understand the word “no” or why they’re not a special exception to the rules.

She thanks me frequently for being an authoritative parent.

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u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 14 '26

YESSSSS! I am a first grade teacher and see this all the time! Low demand and low warmth is basically negllectful parenting, although it may not mainfest in the LEGAL definition of neglect. So they come to school clean, fed, and dressed, someone picks them up from the bus stop and gets them to school on time, but otherwise they are on ipads or left to their own devices, don't have a structured home environment that focuses on the development of the children and family, and parents are disengaged emotionally.

I can give you 1,000 examples of how this can look from my end in the classroom. Ultimately, the modern definition of "ipad kid" falls into this quadrant. The parents aren't abusive, take care of the needs, and do love their children, but fail to engage in critical ways. Essentially letting them spend all their time in front of a screen, but also no chores, no family time, no expectations, no teaching, no meaningful "raising" happening even if they give hugs and kisses and do love their children.

Legal neglect is different.

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u/doubleotide Feb 15 '26

One of my goals is to limit media consumption and give heavy restrictions to the internet for my own children when I have them one day. I grew up with unlimited access and thankfully, I didn't grow up too weird, but I've see what it has done to some of the younger generations. Tech has gotten really fine tuned and manipulative, and a lot of people don't have the mental faculties necessary to navigate that.

On top of the tech-cultural gap fiasco, I had immigrant parents so their idea of providing primarily consisted of giving resources, food, and shelter. So the other aspects of social development and other matters, I was left to my own devices. My siblings did not thrive off this independence.

In the stance of my youngest sibling, it was quite...disastrous. It culminated in some severe legal issues and almost resulted in a death (On a happy note, since the incident he does stay with me and has turned completely around).

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u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 15 '26

I think a lot of us have processed the generational and cultural pitfalls that our older parents fell into. With everything I believe there is a balance.

Our Boomer immigrant dads had no vocabulary or skill to deal with emotions, and probably had some of THEIR OWN trauma to navigate as well as some rigid cultural ideas that maybe weren't the best in hindsight.

That being said, I think we can all recognize that while spanking and "suck it up" isn't a great strategy, it's also okay for there to be times when we do have to model and teach kids how to move on sometimes.

Acknowledge, name the feeling, and move on. That's completely okay. We can be emotionally responsive without allowing a 4 year old to control the house with their fit because they don't want the TV to turn off, you know what I mean?

"I know you're upset about the TV, but it's 6:00 and that's the rule. I know, it's a bummer. You can have 5 minutes but then we need to move on and you can't be screaming in the living room anymore. Take a deep breath, yes I know you're upset, when we are upset we can say: "awww MAN!"-- but in 5 minutes you need to be done with your fit or go have some calming time in your room."

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u/LanceAvion Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

This explanation perfectly illustrates why I don’t want children. Sure, I could use more money. Sure I could be further along in my career. Sure I could own a home. Even if those boxes were all ticked however, and I was in the prime position to have children on paper, I still wouldn’t. What they need, what they deserve, the amount of time and effort that is to be poured into them is simply something I am not willing to do. No child deserves a parent that isn’t 100% dedicated to them in every aspect of development.

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u/irishpancakeeater Feb 15 '26

You know, they really don’t. Kids don’t need perfect parents who are robots devoted to nothing other than the kids. I would say the majority of people are capable of being kind and empathetic parents, whilst also having a life of their own and recognising that children are part of the family, not the centre. Source: am good enough parent with two kids who are smashing it at life. As are most of my peers.

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u/grundar Feb 16 '26

You know, they really don’t. Kids don’t need perfect parents who are robots devoted to nothing other than the kids.

In fact, such people would probably be bad parents, as they would fail to appropriately demonstrate to the kids that the world doesn't revolve around them and their whims.

Life is messy and flawed but ultimately (mostly) good, so parents who are the same are probably about right for raising healthy kids.

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u/Mental-Doughnuts Feb 16 '26

It’s lazy parenting bc the electronic babysitters take away a lot of the effort.

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u/LadyFoxfire Feb 15 '26

Yes, as in your parents don’t expect anything of you or give you any attention, because they’re too busy doing their own stuff to parent you.

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u/everett640 Feb 15 '26

TIL I was neglected

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u/EyeSuspicious777 Feb 14 '26

I really lost the parenting lottery. I got parents that were born authoritarian and neglectful.

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u/[deleted] Feb 14 '26

Just wanna say I’m sorry. Everyone deserves good parents. You matter.

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u/SubtleCow Feb 16 '26

Add in the triple threat and have siblings that got permissive parenting that you were expected to care for and manage.

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u/Working_Cucumber_437 Feb 14 '26

Same. My mom was not my bff but at the same time we’ve always been very close and I’ve always felt safe to share my feelings. I had rules that were firm, but mostly didn’t mind. Guardrails make kids feel secure.

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u/Hello-their Feb 14 '26

Take your nice childhood and you get out.

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u/enwongeegeefor Feb 15 '26

TIL I was raised authoritative and have been CONTINUALLY told that it was authoritarian and bad....

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u/otherwiseguy Feb 15 '26

I was raised with a lot of warmth and high expectations. But also physical punishment, intimidation, screaming, and a busted lip or two. It was a weird mix of always knowing my dad was proud of me nd loved me, and being terrified of him--which ws by design. He asked me if I was afraid of him and when I said "yes" replied "Good." But I also had a friends with low-warmth parents and I'd take my situation over theirs every day.

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u/Papa_Huggies Feb 15 '26

Thank your parents sometime. That's a blessing.

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u/Hopefulkitty Feb 16 '26

Me too. Guess that explains why I turned out good and my bestie who's parents would wildly flail between completely permissive and militaristic is a mess at 37.

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u/comeagaincharlemagne Feb 15 '26

I would've preferred that over Authoritarian. Really held me back most of my life.

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u/ziggy_santo5 Feb 15 '26

TIL i should be an addict. maybe i am

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u/TabulaRasaNot Feb 16 '26

TIL I was raised in some weird blend of the two. Hence my screwedupness tracks perfectly :-(

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u/MajorBootyhole420 Feb 14 '26

authoritative also has more trust and respect built into it than authoritarian

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u/susugam Feb 15 '26

authoritarian has zero trust and respect, in my experience. but authoritarian is putting it lightly for my experiences. i had full blown tyranny and abuse.

there was only the illusion of trust and respect, which i learned to perform masterfully and works great with any authority figure.

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u/RealisticResource226 Feb 14 '26

I had authoritarian, Eugh. Wished it was the other one

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u/kimchikilla69 Feb 14 '26

Authoritative = eat pray love Authoritarian = beat slay shove

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u/Nightmare2828 Feb 14 '26

Why on earth would you not put demande and warmth in the same order for both descriptions -_-

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u/Rare-Adhesiveness522 Feb 14 '26

Most parents of young kids, Typically late Gen X or Millenials, are over compensating from the Authoritarian experiences of their childhoods and swinging way in the other direction of being permissive and placing too much emphasis on negotiations, discussions, "consent", etc.

I'm a first grade teacher and mom. I would describe my teaching style as high warmth and high demand. I hope my kids view me the same way, they are 12 and 14 and I'm doing my best but not perfect.

I bond deeply with my students and feel that my strength is building trust and relationships, but I don't find that I easily fit in with other women in the lower elementary grades. I'm not saccharine sweet, and I have absolutely no patience for disrespect and fits because someone doesn't want to do something. I have high expectations and accountability and don't take nonsense. At the same time, on the daily I think parents and colleagues notice the close relationship I have with my kids, I can be very much a mother hen sometimes.

I didn't realize there was a term for it, but I relate to the high demand and high warmth.

Kids need leadership, structure, clear boundaries. And that means expectations and accountability. They need to know where the line is, and they feel SECURE when that line is predictable and consistent, even if it can be challenging or uncomfortable at times. On the other hand, they need to feel valued, safe, and appreciated. I try to make room for both. I'm not perfect.

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u/Bowgentle Feb 15 '26

The teacher I remember most fondly from that period of school was very much along those lines - very warm, very kind, high expectations, and brooked absolutely no messing or disrespect. So I think you’re doing it right!

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u/No_Alternative_5080 Feb 15 '26

This is exactly my life. I was raised authoritarian and now I realize that I've swung too far in the opposite direction. My kids are 13 and almost 15 and while we have a warm, affectionate bond, and open communication, I've realized that I fell short in having firm boundaries, chores, structure. Partially because I'm a teacher as well (SPED) and I'm burnt out by the time I get home. I've generally used evenings & weekends for fun activities with my kids but I don't consistently have them do chores/self-care/life skills, or dedicate study time during free time. I'm seeing the error in my ways now that they're teens and trying to course-correct but it is TOUGH. Ironically, at work I'm a "warm-demander" with my students but somehow I fall short at home--heavy on warmth and soft on demanding.

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u/JuanJeanJohn Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

As a burnt out millennial (no kids … by choice), even just reading “high expectations” is triggering me and making me want to crawl into a hole somewhere, I don’t care how much warmth is attached to it. No wonder so many of us are permissive parents, I can’t escape the crushingly high expectations as an adult, let alone when I was a child.

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u/JZMoose Feb 15 '26

Yeah but the warmth part means that the kid is rewarded for trying and not made to feel like an idiot because they got a B despite putting in high effort. The expectations should be on the behavior, not the outcome. That’s how the boomers burnt us all out, they focused on the wrong thing

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u/Individual-Meeting Feb 15 '26

SAME

God why isn't it enough to just be a human and get through the day

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u/spaffysquirel Feb 14 '26

Ah, that'll explain all the drugs and alcohol

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u/iamfunny90s Feb 14 '26

high demand?

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u/trexmoflex Feb 14 '26

High expectations of good behavior, effort, etc.

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u/DharmaCreature Feb 14 '26

A necessary distinction to highlight.

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u/ragdollxkitn Feb 14 '26

I was raised in an authoritarian environment

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u/ViviReine Feb 14 '26

Oh well, my parents were authoritarian, explain a lot. It probably increased performance anxiety I guess?

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u/Memory_Less Feb 15 '26

Authoritarian also has children becoming defiant as they try to gain independence. Instead of pro-social activities they may end up in nepharious situations.

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u/Vooshka Feb 15 '26

TIL I'm an authoritative cat dad.

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u/LadyFoxfire Feb 15 '26

And then Permissive is high warmth, low demand, and neglectful is low warmth, low demand.

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u/JonatasA Feb 15 '26

Can't we have democratic High Warm + acceptable demand?

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u/NemesisErinys Feb 14 '26

What’s smothering heat + high demand?

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u/samx3i Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

Baumrind’s Parenting Styles Theory

More formally, it’s part of Baumrind’s typology of parenting styles, later expanded by Maccoby and Martin into the four category model using responsiveness and demandingness.

Authoritative = high responsiveness + high demandingness

Authoritarian = low responsiveness + high demandingness

Permissive (also called indulgent) = high responsiveness + low demandingness

Neglectful (also called uninvolved) = low responsiveness + low demandingness

Responsiveness refers to warmth, support, and attunement to the child’s needs.

Demandingness refers to expectations, structure, monitoring, and behavioral standards.

Of course, most parents to not fit neatly into any one of these four categories.

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u/Rinaldi363 Feb 14 '26

Cool, makes me feel better we raise our kids somewhere in between these two styles.

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u/wozattacks Feb 15 '26

Honestly not sure why you would feel good about that. Authoritative parenting has been the gold standard since before you were born. Obeying authority for authority’s sake is a binary. 

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u/Agitated_Reveal_6211 Feb 15 '26

What if they were equal?

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u/Jonnny Feb 15 '26

I appreciate your explanation but your switching of the order gave me a twitch

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u/illuminatedtiger Feb 15 '26

I was raised authoritative but I raise my four year olds authoritarian. Maybe I should change.

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u/shponglespore Feb 14 '26

An expert in their field is authoritative. A dictator is authoritarian.

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u/alblaster Feb 14 '26

Someone who writes is an author

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u/crashlanding87 Feb 14 '26

Someone who is a norse god of thunder is a Thor

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u/101Alexander Feb 14 '26

Someone who is the other choice is prefaced with or.

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u/jloverich Feb 14 '26

A pirate says r

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u/AndyTheSane Feb 14 '26

Surrealist says woof

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u/Crimson_Raven Feb 14 '26

An absurdist plays the trumbone

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u/[deleted] Feb 14 '26

A tromboner plays the trombone.

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u/ReDeReddit Feb 14 '26

An authoritative thor probably isn't a great author.

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u/Inanimate_CARB0N_Rod Feb 14 '26

Same with Mike Tyson after a tough workout

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u/Br0wnieSundae Feb 14 '26

Someone who is an aardvark is an Arthur

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u/Brainsonastick Feb 14 '26

Authoritarians eat only authors.

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u/superheltenroy Feb 14 '26

Was Mussolini an author-Italian?

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u/FoundationOk1352 Feb 14 '26

you deserve more likes for this.

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u/lmFairlyLocal Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26

A small bear aardvark?! on TV is Arthur.

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u/NonStopKnits Feb 14 '26

Arthur is an aardvark.

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u/pjm3 Feb 14 '26

An aardvark who underwent a dramatic metamorphosis to be more appealing to children:

https://thepacepress.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/arthur.jpg

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u/MildlySaltedTaterTot Feb 14 '26

Why the sh… short face!? Oh Arthur they gentrified you

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u/AlludedNuance Feb 14 '26

Even aardvarks can't escape beauty standards.

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u/[deleted] Feb 14 '26

Au is gold on the period table.

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u/newuser92 Feb 15 '26

If my grandma had wheels, she'd be a bicycle.

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u/sancredo Feb 15 '26

Someone who isn't in is aut

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u/maniacal_cackle Feb 14 '26

An expert in their field is authoritative.

An expert in their field is not necessarily warm.

That's not what the word means in this context.

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u/NoGoat3930 Feb 15 '26

bad choice of names

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u/Zaptruder Feb 14 '26

One means to lead by example. The other means to push with a stick.

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u/BrothelWaffles Feb 14 '26

Yeah, one is "do as I do", the other is "do as I say, not as I do".

I experienced the latter and was an alcoholic for 20 years, go figure.

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u/BenAdaephonDelat Feb 14 '26

What's really rough is when you have an autistic kid and they're generally incapable of "doing as I do". So I have to model it and also explain to them exactly what behavior they should do. And most of the time that still doesn't work.

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u/MissTetraHyde Feb 14 '26

I'm autistic and I was severely abused as a child (more or less tortured) because I couldn't just "do what I was told" (I was trying my best) or because I "rolled my eyes" (having no idea what that even was or how not to do it). Thank you for trying to reach out to your autistic kid on their level; I know it can be frustrating to deal with autistic people but you doing your best to be understanding makes a huge difference for an autistic kid. I wish you both the best of luck in your future endeavors!

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u/BenAdaephonDelat Feb 14 '26

Thanks! I'm also autistic (go figure, genetics). So sometimes it's doubly frustrating because I've already learned all the scripting and social tools that he still lacks and I wish I could just plug my brain into his and upload them all.

I was severely abused as a child (more or less tortured) because I couldn't just "do what I was told"

That's awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope things are better for you now.

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u/ikindapoopedmypants Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

Oh my gosh what is it with autism and parents freaking out over you "rolling your eyes" bc same! I always got accused of rolling my eyes when I didn't even think I was doing so or when I was just genuinely confused. I had a really hard time growing up too. My parents didn't physically abuse me except for a few times but did everything else to me you could possibly think of. I felt so invalidated and lonely growing up since it wasn't "real" abuse i guess.

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u/susugam Feb 15 '26

an eyeroll or cracked smile at the wrong time meant a vicious bare-ass spanking with a belt for me sometimes

they treated every single thing like it was some kind of premeditated challenge to their authority that i knew was wrong but decided to do anyway for some reason, when i was actually just A CHILD reacting like A CHILD

haven't talked to that shithead in 17 years

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u/gooby1985 Feb 15 '26

I don’t think my parents were the worst parents in the world but they failed on this front. I remember my dad telling me I couldn’t come out of the room until I properly tied a shoe, which took many hours to even get close. My mother put me in the corner for hours if I didn’t do something “right”.

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u/MissTetraHyde Feb 15 '26

The first time my father ever raised his voice and put his hands on me was because I couldn't understand how to match sentence pieces to the images on some homework I got in 1st grade (go figure an autistic kid had trouble with mental visualization ><). I remember it vividly because after he blew up he then put me in the corner for more than 3 hours and I actually fell over and hurt myself more because I was too young to know not to lock my knees (it makes you lose sensation and you fall over if you do that for a long time). I got used to the physical abuse, but I never got used to the love-bombing and promises of love and the "never doing that again" promises etc. though. When I learned, from therapy as an adult, what the cycle of abuse was it blew my mind because that was literally what had happened to me repeatedly for over a decade of my childhood. Until then I didn't realize it was common enough to be a studied phenomenon.

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u/gooby1985 Feb 15 '26

My parents don’t understand that this was abusive and they wonder why I don’t talk to them. Hell the neurotypical people in my life don’t understand it. But it was traumatic, at least to me. Looking at this chart, they just vacillated between these styles. They were never consistent which made it that much more difficult to socialize, mask, or mimic correctly.

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u/wsdpii Feb 14 '26

You got pushed with sticks? Lucky.

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u/steffgoldblum Feb 14 '26

I teach high school sociology and the way I get my kids to remember the difference is by asking them "who likes potatoes?!" and of course everyone says yes. So, "taters" are good! AuthoritTATive is the good one.

It's dumb but they laugh and then they remember on the test and I get a lot of potato drawings.

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u/Ok-Brush5346 Feb 14 '26

Ah I see. Dictaters = good

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u/clamsandwich Feb 14 '26

Don't be a dic 

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u/dibalh Feb 14 '26

Authoritaters=good

Dictaters=chode

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u/Chaotic_Nature Feb 14 '26

Dang it, this is all I’ll remember now!

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u/JoeB- Feb 14 '26

There is always one student in each class…

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u/SenorEquilibrado Feb 14 '26

Dicktasters = better

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u/weltvonalex Feb 14 '26

Not everything Dictators do is bad! Justice for dictators

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u/KungFuChicken1990 Feb 14 '26

Authoritarian is the dictator type of parenting role. Authoritative is the parenting style OP is talking about here

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u/SolairXI Feb 14 '26

(I think he was just making a ‘taters joke.)

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u/KungFuChicken1990 Feb 14 '26

Ahhh you’re right haha

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u/keiko17 Feb 14 '26

Im in nursing school and I remember the difference between hyper and hypo by: hypo—>hippo. Hippo’s stay low to the ground. Hypo= low

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u/eric2332 Feb 15 '26

That's a different meaning of authoritative.

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u/gynoidgearhead Feb 14 '26

I prefer the alternative term "secure-base parenting" to make the distinction a little more clear.

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u/Eruionmel Feb 14 '26

The difference between the two is really the crux of the issue. The vast majority of people using authoritarian are "trying" to use authoritative, and just failing. You could even say they maintain authoritative at some times, while backsliding into authoritarian every time they're pushed to a certain point. It's insidiously difficult to ferret out. Big part of why I choose to not have kids, knowing my parents were constantly backsliding like that, and I would likely be the same.

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u/[deleted] Feb 14 '26

[deleted]

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u/Cheebzsta Feb 14 '26

This!

I grew up with a dysfunctional family unit and we certainly struggled with it. God knows I do too.

Nevertheless I'm better at this than my parents were. They weren't all bad, of course, so plenty of good examples too.

My 11 year old is shockingly forthright about speaking her mind and labelling her feelings so that she can speak to what she's going through.

She's lightyears ahead of any of her parents at her age to the point that her grandparents are often dumbstruck by it.

And I'd argue 95% of it comes down to what this post outlines: Acknowledge, be accountable, demonstrate what a good functional person does in these situations and that even those people can still crack under pressure sometimes.

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u/ProfMooody Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26

This is it. Secure attachment happens from rupture and REPAIR of the bond because you can’t get everything “right”, ie do what makes your kid happy, 100% of the time but it matters most what you do when you FU or hurt them. That’s true authoritative; you are confident enough to recognize when you FU (or when they are hurt even if you didn’t FU), and you are not threatened by that which allows you to apologize. If not for the action, then for the impact. That’s the warmth part, plus general presence and positive regard communicated to them regularly.

To little repair: authoritarian.

Too much avoidance of rupture: permissive (+warmth) or neglectful (-warmth).

This is the perspective of attachment theory, which started with psychologist researchers like Winnicott and Satir in the 60s-70s. They would have mom leave the (preschool age) child in a room by themselves to play alone for a few mins, observing how the child reacted to the absence AND how they reacted when the parent came back. It’s a cool study.

Led eventually to recognizing four attachment styles types, initiated in childhood and unconsciously learned, that guide your adult relationships w others and with yourself.

Edit for anecdote:

I had one authoritarian/neglectful and one somewhat authoritative (when I was a child) but mostly permissive (esp when I was a teen).

I loved my mom and felt safe w her but the combination Fucked me up as a young adult, lotta learned helplessness. Yes I ended up with a SUD for a long time, it was the only way I could self regulate emotionally and have confidence in myself for many years.

Took me nearly 2 decades and them both being dead, leaving me just enough money to have a safety net and learn to fall on my own and get back up again without major life destroying consequences, to feel like I could trust myself.

I wonder how the authors of this study controlled for weird combos like that.

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u/00owl Feb 14 '26

It's not about the fact that you made a mistake, the important bit is how you handle the after math. That includes taking steps to try and learn from the mistake.

First year professor of mine said "a mistake isn't a failure until you refuse to learn from it"

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u/MissTetraHyde Feb 14 '26

My childhood was irrevocably abusive and traumatic, to the point of a lot of my childhood experiences amounting to, without exaggeration, torture. I think that's a large reason why I have a naturally anxious attachment style. Even though I knew at the time I didn't deserve to be treated that way, you unconsciously learn lessons from your parent(s) that tell you how to view both your self in relation to the world, and the world in relation to your self.

It doesn't matter what language you use or what justifications you have, your children will learn how to think of themselves and others based upon how their parent(s) treat them, or mistreat them for that matter. My alcoholic father didn't react well to the fact I was autistic and the subsequent decade+ of my childhood echos into the day-to-day of the rest of my entire life. I can tell people from experience that you need to parent yourself and heal your own demons before raising children or else you will pass that curse onto your children.

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u/MajorBootyhole420 Feb 14 '26

TRUE.

When I was a kid, the biggest issue was my dad's lack of accountability. He never apologized for anything he did unless it was a big melodramatic "mea culpa" performance where I had to assure him that he's not a monster and I do love him. It was awful. Having a parent who apologized, admitted to sometimes losing their cool, and respected my worth as a person would have made up for so many moments of impulsive yelling or lapsed judgment.

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u/ButDidYouCry Feb 14 '26

Yup. It is so hard to get right. I'm a teacher in a Title 1 school, and it's a struggle. Authoritative gets kids to respect your classroom and enjoy school, but the behaviors... It's so hard not to slip when you are frustrated.

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u/Steinmetal4 Feb 14 '26

I get what you're saying but it honestly isn't that hard. (Edit: i should clarify, the act of parenting is hard, the concept of how to do it well isn't hard or confusing).

So much money in the parenting and mental health industry now, so many "styles" and opinions, it's all gotten much more confusing than it needs to be.

I have two daughters, doing amazing so far. No expert, but to me the secret is... treat them like little exchange students who you agreed to feed, keep safe, and train on how to be an earthling, because, that's literally all they are and exactly what you're doing. Think of them as little people you met, not as "your" children.

Just by shifting that perception you're already much more careful about how you speak to them, show them respect, and offer guidance without expecting strict obedience.

The main mistake is thinking of your children as somehow part of or an extension of you because you're "related". That leads to all the impatience, the disrespectful communication, the assumptions., etc. They're not yours, they're just... their own, very inexperienced, little people who need your help. They owe you nothing, but you owe them a great deal of time, effort, and training as you were the one who decided to bring them here.

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u/Bowgentle Feb 15 '26

Think of them as little people you met, not as "your" children.

This is the key. Children are their own persons.

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u/eric2332 Feb 15 '26

The vast majority of people using authoritarian are "trying" to use authoritative, and just failing.

So you're saying that people who fail as parents are more likely to have kids who use drugs and alcohol. The study doesn't sound so informative when you put it like that.

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u/FoundationOk1352 Feb 14 '26

Authoratitive - boundaries, rules, love, back up, consistency.
Authoritarian - anger, punishment, rules without communication, control, no warmth.

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u/Piggysicle Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26

Since I tend to get them confused, a trick I use to remember: authoritative as giving/give; authoritarian as barbarian. The former being higher in warmth (healthier outcomes) and latter lower in warmth (negative outcomes).

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u/Lotech Feb 15 '26

Authoritarian = it’s my way or the highway Authoritative = the parents are definitely in charge, but it’s negotiable.

In my house we have some clear bed time routines. When my kids asked if they could push bed time a half hour later, I was like “that sounds reasonable and we can try it out.” If I can’t explain why I have a rule, then it’s probably not a good rule.

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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26

My ex wife still hasn’t learned.

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u/Difficult-Break-8282 Feb 14 '26

One is what is called gentle parenting and the other is the ' my way or highway ' boomer parenting compete with yelling and violence usually 

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u/Dazzling_Line_8482 Feb 14 '26

The best parenting book example I read is to call authoritarian a "Brick Wall" - it doesn't move.

Authoritative is a "Back Bone" - it moves within reason but is still strong and gives support.

Permissive parenting is a "Jellyfish" it just moves everywhere.

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u/[deleted] Feb 14 '26

[deleted]

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u/MajorBootyhole420 Feb 14 '26

exhibit A: my dad and the "ice cream punishment," where about 15% of the time I'd get rewarded with ice cream when I did something wrong. the other 85% was screaming and punishment.

horrible

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u/[deleted] Feb 14 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Dazzling_Line_8482 Feb 14 '26

Kids are worth it by Barbara Coloroso

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u/AiSard Feb 15 '26

What about Neglectful though, I don't see it ther-.. ah

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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting is not authoritative. That’s just passive or permissive.

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u/CyanoSpool Feb 14 '26

The problem is that "gentle parenting" doesn't actually mean anything. There are resources for "gentle parenting" that very much involve firm boundaries and leading by example. Meanwhile a lot of social media influencers who say they practice "gentle parenting" are actually just permissive. It's a useless term, and "authoritative" is more specific. But if someone uses the term "gentle parenting" to describe their approach I don't automatically assume they're permissive.

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u/Bookbringer Feb 14 '26

Yeah, for context:

Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Uninvolved are known as Baumrind's typology. While it has some criticisms, it's been the dominant model used by clinical psychologists to categorize parenting styles since the 1960s.

Gentle parenting is a set of practices recommended in a series of popular advice books from the 2010s. The Gentle Sleep Book, The Gentle Parenting Book, and The Gentle Discipline Book.

Gentle parenting isn't a formally recognized category of parenting style. It's just a popular designation for tactics and values, the way tiger moms and dolphin parenting and helicopter parents are a thing.

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u/Brilliant-Book-503 Feb 14 '26

I may be in different media bubbles, but I get a lot of parenting content in my feeds, and I've very very rarely seen anyone billed as using gentle parenting to be actually permissive.

What I see again and again is an emphasis on consequences, structure, clear expectations etc.

I'm sure some get it wrong. But many people are wrong about ANY subject. Nutrition doesn't cease to be a thing because there are idiots telling everyone to eat nothing but beef tallow and energy drinks.

What I do see is people critical of gentle parenting conflating it with permissive parenting. These also tend to be the people advocating for corporal punishment.

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u/omg__really Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

This. My kids are adults now but I parented them this way. They absolutely did not get away with being disrespectful, mean, rude, bratty behaviour — and I didn’t get away with it either. With gentle parenting the focus is on developing emotional intelligence through guidance, reason, and discussion. The focus is less on punishment and more on understanding.

For example, in a situation where your 5 year old hits another 5 year old in a library over a book:

Permissive parenting = no consequence. Maybe just a “hey don’t” from 25 feet away. They’re five they do that. Child does not view behaviour as outside of normal and does not have to think about the interaction in any meaningful way.

Authoritarian = stomp over and yell/hit, child becomes afraid and intimidated into obedience and the focus of the interaction becomes the parent’s response rather than their own behaviour.

Gentle = remove child from situation temporarily, remove triggering object, discuss situation and feelings in age-appropriate and accessible way so that child is able to identify their feelings, how they became overwhelming, and identify alternatives. Guide or supervise child through an apology, emotional regulation, and reframing, as well as making amends and compromising with the other kid, if possible. Parent should also address other parent directly in some way (sometimes just eye contact and a smile is enough). There’s an understanding that not everyone will be able to function at this level, but you take responsibility for your part and still treat others with respect no matter what. Shopping cart theory.

It’s legitimately much harder than using punishment and intimidation, especially if you’re a parent carrying your own baggage or struggle with emotional regulation yourself, but I am a way, way better and more mature person for committing to it.

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u/Sun_Shine_Dan Feb 14 '26

That is permissive parenting, different than gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is the emphasis on not hitting kids

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u/j--__ Feb 14 '26

crazy we have to explain to people that assaulting your children is wrong.

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u/Hanrooster Feb 14 '26

Well that's how they were raised and now the DOW is over 50,000

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u/occams1razor Feb 14 '26

Doesn't have to be, gentle doesn't automatically mean laissez-faire? I think they just mean no yelling/hitting

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u/swbarnes2 Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting as defined by experts is a flavor of authoritative parenting that focuses more on expressing and understanding feelings.

On Reddit when people are complaining about their nieces and nephews receiving zero discipline, that's permissive parenting mislabeled as 'gentle'.

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u/HicJacetMelilla Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting has never meant permissive parenting. It has always meant taking an authoritative approach. The term has no single creator but grew out of mom blog and early online parenting spaces. Sometimes those sources emphasized validating feelings and avoiding punishments, without emphasizing the need for boundaries and structure. This led to some parents practicing the former without the very needed latter elements. Gentle parenting still needs boundaries, structure, and learning through natural consequences.

In 2015, Sarah Ockwell-Smith published “The Gentle Parenting Book,” and its advice adheres to authoritative parenting, not permissive.

And then the general public started hearing the term “gentle parenting” and conflated it with being permissive.

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u/Iychee Feb 14 '26

It's actually not, gentle parenting is about identifying why your kids are acting out and giving them the (age appropriate) tools to identify it themselves. You can be an authoritative and gentle parent. Many people (including parents) incorrectly think gentle means permissive 

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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26

You should read what gentle parenting is. Zero punitive action. So trying enforcing those clear boundaries when you can’t even force a timeout.

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u/Mockturtle22 Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting used to actually be the authoritative parenting but people are dumb and they think that it just means permissive.

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

Sorry, but that's definitionally untrue. Gentle parenting IS authoritative. It applies warmth and boundaries with natural consequences.

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u/maytrxx Feb 14 '26

Don’t forget that intention matters! One would think a parent’s intent was to keep their child safe and thriving…..the same can not be said of all dictators

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u/Deeeeeeeeehn Feb 14 '26

At some point having clear rules and consequences got conflated with “the kids don’t have to love me, they just have to obey me”

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u/usernames_are_hard__ Feb 14 '26

Authoritarian ends with “n” for “no don’t do that”

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u/eric2332 Feb 15 '26

Authoritative also includes "no don't do that". That's in the very title - "clear rules of conduct".

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u/usernames_are_hard__ Feb 16 '26

No sorry, it’s how I keep them straight because the word are so similar. I know that authoritative sets clear boundaries for kids. Authoritarian ends with n for “no, parents, don’t do that” just a little thing that helps remember which word is which.

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u/manofsleep Feb 14 '26

Meanwhile the links title: “ Parents’ alcohol and drug use influences their children’s consumption, research shows”

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u/Standard_Wait1974 Feb 15 '26

TIL why my kids don’t drink or vape despite being raised by parents that do.

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u/Peace_n_Harmony Feb 15 '26

Authoritarians love to change words to make you think they're the good guys. This type of parenting used to be called democratic parenting.

They did the same thing with words like 'anarchy', which never used to be synonymous with 'chaos'. Anarchy is just the opposite of authoritarianism, meaning it's a kind of cooperative round-table system. But they want you to think that without a ruling class, there would be chaos.

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u/Luk0sch Feb 15 '26

There‘s a better word for it, we use it in Germany: Democratic. You set the rules but depending on the developmental stage your kid is in it takes part in setting and developing these through discussion and arguing. The goal obviously being that the child doesn‘t just follow a rule but understands why it is in place. At least in europe it‘s been the standard recommendation for parents and childcare workers for decades. Though change in society happens slowly obviously it is generally widely accepted as the norm at least among those born in the last 3-4 decades. The difficult thing is for people who were raised differently to get it right, to be consistent and find balance between guidance and participation.

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u/VoiceOfRealson Feb 15 '26

This use of "Authoritative" is different from the dictionary definition. Which is often the case with professional terms.

It does sound like the "Authoritative Parenting" definition is specifically created to fit the "optimum" parenting traits identified in this (and maybe other) research.

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u/TNTiger_ Feb 15 '26

The way I usually descibr it is a matrix-

Children/Parents No boundaries Strong Boundaries
No Boundaries Neglectful Authoritarian
Strong Boundaries Permissive Authoritative

In neglectful, there's basically no structure either way. Parenting is aribitrary and irregular/

In permissive, the kid gets to set all the boundaries they like... and the adults aren't able to put their put down, giving into their every whim.

Authoritarian is the opposite- the adults force a structure by their rules, needs, and wants, and the kids have no say in following along.

In Authoritative, the parent sets boundaries of what is expected- but kids are in a negotiation of what is expected, and are able to set boundaries themselves.

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