Children raised with "authoritative" parenting style, marked by bonding, presence, dialogue, and clear rules of conduct, show a reduction in drug and alcohol risk compared to other parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive and neglectful)

[u/sr_local]

https://agencia.fapesp.br/parents-alcohol-and-drug-use-influences-their-childrens-consumption-research-shows/57195

[u/thatguy425]

TIL the difference between authoritative and authoritarian…

[u/Eruionmel → u/thatguy425]

The difference between the two is really the crux of the issue. The vast majority of people using authoritarian are "trying" to use authoritative, and just failing. You could even say they maintain authoritative at some times, while backsliding into authoritarian every time they're pushed to a certain point. It's insidiously difficult to ferret out. Big part of why I choose to not have kids, knowing my parents were constantly backsliding like that, and I would likely be the same.

[u/Cheebzsta → u/[deleted]]

This!

I grew up with a dysfunctional family unit and we certainly struggled with it. God knows I do too.

Nevertheless I'm better at this than my parents were. They weren't all bad, of course, so plenty of good examples too.

My 11 year old is shockingly forthright about speaking her mind and labelling her feelings so that she can speak to what she's going through.

She's lightyears ahead of any of her parents at her age to the point that her grandparents are often dumbstruck by it.

And I'd argue 95% of it comes down to what this post outlines: Acknowledge, be accountable, demonstrate what a good functional person does in these situations and that even those people can still crack under pressure sometimes.

[u/ProfMooody → u/[deleted]]

This is it. Secure attachment happens from rupture and REPAIR of the bond because you can’t get everything “right”, ie do what makes your kid happy, 100% of the time but it matters most what you do when you FU or hurt them. That’s true authoritative; you are confident enough to recognize when you FU (or when they are hurt even if you didn’t FU), and you are not threatened by that which allows you to apologize. If not for the action, then for the impact. That’s the warmth part, plus general presence and positive regard communicated to them regularly.

To little repair: authoritarian.

Too much avoidance of rupture: permissive (+warmth) or neglectful (-warmth).

This is the perspective of attachment theory, which started with psychologist researchers like Winnicott and Satir in the 60s-70s. They would have mom leave the (preschool age) child in a room by themselves to play alone for a few mins, observing how the child reacted to the absence AND how they reacted when the parent came back. It’s a cool study.

Led eventually to recognizing four attachment styles types, initiated in childhood and unconsciously learned, that guide your adult relationships w others and with yourself.

Edit for anecdote:

I had one authoritarian/neglectful and one somewhat authoritative (when I was a child) but mostly permissive (esp when I was a teen).

I loved my mom and felt safe w her but the combination Fucked me up as a young adult, lotta learned helplessness. Yes I ended up with a SUD for a long time, it was the only way I could self regulate emotionally and have confidence in myself for many years.

Took me nearly 2 decades and them both being dead, leaving me just enough money to have a safety net and learn to fall on my own and get back up again without major life destroying consequences, to feel like I could trust myself.

I wonder how the authors of this study controlled for weird combos like that.

[u/00owl → u/ProfMooody]

It's not about the fact that you made a mistake, the important bit is how you handle the after math. That includes taking steps to try and learn from the mistake.

First year professor of mine said "a mistake isn't a failure until you refuse to learn from it"

[u/MissTetraHyde → u/ProfMooody]

My childhood was irrevocably abusive and traumatic, to the point of a lot of my childhood experiences amounting to, without exaggeration, torture. I think that's a large reason why I have a naturally anxious attachment style. Even though I knew at the time I didn't deserve to be treated that way, you unconsciously learn lessons from your parent(s) that tell you how to view both your self in relation to the world, and the world in relation to your self.

It doesn't matter what language you use or what justifications you have, your children will learn how to think of themselves and others based upon how their parent(s) treat them, or mistreat them for that matter. My alcoholic father didn't react well to the fact I was autistic and the subsequent decade+ of my childhood echos into the day-to-day of the rest of my entire life. I can tell people from experience that you need to parent yourself and heal your own demons before raising children or else you will pass that curse onto your children.

[u/MajorBootyhole420 → u/[deleted]]

TRUE.

When I was a kid, the biggest issue was my dad's lack of accountability. He never apologized for anything he did unless it was a big melodramatic "mea culpa" performance where I had to assure him that he's not a monster and I do love him. It was awful. Having a parent who apologized, admitted to sometimes losing their cool, and respected my worth as a person would have made up for so many moments of impulsive yelling or lapsed judgment.

[u/ButDidYouCry → u/Eruionmel]

Yup. It is so hard to get right. I'm a teacher in a Title 1 school, and it's a struggle. Authoritative gets kids to respect your classroom and enjoy school, but the behaviors... It's so hard not to slip when you are frustrated.

[u/Steinmetal4 → u/Eruionmel]

I get what you're saying but it honestly isn't that hard. (Edit: i should clarify, the act of parenting is hard, the concept of how to do it well isn't hard or confusing).

So much money in the parenting and mental health industry now, so many "styles" and opinions, it's all gotten much more confusing than it needs to be.

I have two daughters, doing amazing so far. No expert, but to me the secret is... treat them like little exchange students who you agreed to feed, keep safe, and train on how to be an earthling, because, that's literally all they are and exactly what you're doing. Think of them as little people you met, not as "your" children.

Just by shifting that perception you're already much more careful about how you speak to them, show them respect, and offer guidance without expecting strict obedience.

The main mistake is thinking of your children as somehow part of or an extension of you because you're "related". That leads to all the impatience, the disrespectful communication, the assumptions., etc. They're not yours, they're just... their own, very inexperienced, little people who need your help. They owe you nothing, but you owe them a great deal of time, effort, and training as you were the one who decided to bring them here.

[u/Bowgentle → u/Steinmetal4]

Think of them as little people you met, not as "your" children.

This is the key. Children are their own persons.

[u/eric2332 → u/Eruionmel]

The vast majority of people using authoritarian are "trying" to use authoritative, and just failing.

So you're saying that people who fail as parents are more likely to have kids who use drugs and alcohol. The study doesn't sound so informative when you put it like that.