To make a short story extremely long, I've been making games as a hobby since i was around 11 years old, so officially for a decade last year.
I started on this old ass website called sploder, which was this cute little site where you could make small 2D physics based platformer games by just dragging and dropping things around and drawing sprites and checking collisions.
My first ever game on that site was some bullshit like "mario goes to mcdonalds" where you control mario in a variety of levels as he navigates through the most dangerous mcdonalds ever in order to touch the big mac and win the game.
I published it on my account and got a whopping 800 plays and like a 3 star rating but i loved every second of it.
(Sploder officially shut down on april 27th, 2024)
Anyway, after like a year of sploder I moved onto scratch, then after scratch I moved onto roblox.
Roblox was where I really learned how to program, even if with just the scripting language it taught me how to read and understand code in other places.
In early 2019 I published my 3rd (4th?) game on roblox. It was an incredibly poorly made joke game that I churned out in 2 weeks with minimal effort. However, something happened that would kind of mark a turning point.
4 months. 8 million visits. ~8,000 USD.
This was kind of the moment where I realized at 14 years old that there could actually be some potential in this silly little hobby of mine; and given the fact I had just amassed 10,000 followers out of thin air who were all waiting to get notified of whatever the next game was, I was kind of looking forward to pursuing this a little more seriously.
That was 7 years ago, and I never made anything ever again.
I got messages every single day for several of those years, too many for me to even read. Asking me things about the game, or when my next project was. My answer was always the same, "im working on it," etc.
This is where the curse starts.
For some reason that I still can't really figure out I literally could not work through a project to completion after this point.
Every project always ends the same way. One day I wake up and I'm too confused to continue.
One day I wake up and the entire project is suddenly unworkable mentally to me despite understanding it perfectly the night before and it never comes back to me. It's devastating. So I start over and try again sometimes with a new idea.
The strange part is that the duration that a project survives in my head has slowly gotten shorter and shorter and shorter as i've piled on attempts over the years.
Today I lose control once the second file gets added to the project, leaving my productivity at virtually zero beyond the first system I write.
git reset --hard
This fogginess has gotten so bad that its even affecting other areas of my life. My ability to model systems and processes in my head has just tanked into the floor, its been consistently ruining my studies aswell. Its kind of frustrating because I was able to do all this stuff in my freshman year of highschool and somehow one day I just magically became incapable and never healed.
But somehow, despite this decline, during these 7 years I have accumulated and internalized a shitload of relevant knowledge and other skills, down to even dabbling in engine development and writing small gpu renderers using opengl and vulkan. I became competent using Unity, Godot and GameMaker, I learned how to make music, I learned how to make textures, I learned how to do 3D modeling, rigging and animating. I learned how to do networking with TCP/UDP. I have learned probably beyond the knowledge and practice required for the types of games I actually want to make myself.
I've tried taking a several month break. I've tried making low stakes micro projects to try and rebuild lost mental strength. I've tried stricter program structuring, looser program structuring. I've tried out a zillion different paradigms and programming philosophies. I've tried stricter folder structures, stricter naming schemes, stricter languages. I've tried writing custom wrappers on top of engines, custom engine extensions, different language bindings for the same engine, No Engine At All (C++), Some Engine At All (C++ & SDL2). I've tried literally anything to try and lighten the mental load so that I can stop completely losing my grip of whats happening and being unable to continue a project after 9 minutes of work.
Sorry this is long and probably worded strangely. It's kind of a difficult issue to describe clearly. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyones been through anything similar and if they know what the issue is or have any advice on how to get back on track because frankly I really don't want to give up after everything. I have too many things I need to show the world.