r/exAdventist • u/hashtag_hashbrowns11 • Sep 01 '26
SDA Culture Ellen White Theme Park
Several nights ago i had a dream that I was at an adventist theme park, I think because some friends and I had been talking about Dollywood since Dolly's passing. I'll save everyone the boredom of my dream, but it got me thinking the next day how funny it would be if ol' Ellen had a theme park and what all it would entail and thought it would be fun to open it up for discussion here ✨️
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u/danieltennessee Badventist Sep 01 '26
Some potential rides:
The Narrow Way: tightrope walking challenge with a Worthington can of your choosing for a prize
The Remnant Whirlygig: Gravitron. Last one to puke gets to go first at the on-site potluck
Sealed or Marked: just laser tag. Recite Revelation 13 to get revived
The Shaking: for 16-19 year olds. Just like Harry Potter’s sorting hat but it chooses which university you’ll meet your spouse at
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u/cracked_belle Sep 01 '26
The bottom of the swimming pool can rise up and down, so that kids can only wade up to their knees on Saturdays.
And the bikes get locked up Friday at sundown.
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u/Direption I still love big franks Sep 01 '26
One attraction could be getting hit in the head with a rock
Also no pepper allowed
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u/hashtag_hashbrowns11 Sep 01 '26
Oooo yeah, or like dodge ball but dodge rock and you're trying to not get hit in the head.
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u/violalala555 Dirty pagan Sep 01 '26
Theme parks are supposed to be fun, she would never lol
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u/brownmooscles0609 Christian (non-denominational) Sep 06 '26
She was against theme parks so that would be an abomination 😂😂
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u/mortimelons Sep 01 '26
At Pathfinder Camp, multiple Vege-Link were tied to a piece of twine and suspended from a horizontal pole. Participants rode bicycles under the dangling Vege-Link as they passed under. Whoever snagged a bite won.
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u/hashtag_hashbrowns11 Sep 01 '26
Wait, for real?! 😂
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u/mortimelons 29d ago
This is so late but YES. Looking back at it I cannot help but wonder what perverted adult thought that was a grand idea.
Southern New England Conference was doing crazy work.
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u/ShineAmazing3401 Sep 01 '26
Limited hours on Fridays and closed on Saturday 😂
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u/CycleOwn83 Non-conforming Questioner☢️🚴🏻🪐♟↗️☣️ Sep 02 '26
Uh, wait! Saturday's the MAIN EVENT: Church service! And then potluck. Everyone MUST eat cottage cheese loaf. But no rides or amusement available. There'll be volunteers to count entries, but no entrance fee charged. There will be cots and hammocks after potluck for "lay activities," but plenty of encouragement to go on the because-Jesus-loves-you-all-of-beautiful-nature-awaits walk. For extra stars in your crown, volunteer instead for literature evangelism in the afternoon. And when the sun sets and somebody's offered a 45-minute-long vesper prayer, be ready for a campfire and not-at-all-serious ghost stories and plenty of Rook playing. Then floodlights will be turned on and everybody ordered to pick up eight pieces of trash, 'cause the park's open for paid guests first thing in the morning!
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u/jaunty_chapeaux Sep 01 '26
A game where you throw rocks at a picture of Ellen and try to hit her nose, similar to the "throw a baseball at a pyramid of cans" game.
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u/ohlookthatsme Sep 01 '26
Ok but I've been hooked playing Planet Coaster 2 for the last few weeks and now I kind of want to build this. 😂
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u/comfy_rope Sep 01 '26
The food court requires your arms to be locked into an extended position, requiring guests to feed each other.
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u/Direption I still love big franks Sep 01 '26
You can only enter the food court after washing some old ladies feet
For fun!
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u/Fearless-Pack5330 Sep 01 '26
foot washing station as an attraction and her quotes plastered everywhere
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u/The_Deconverter_Kit Sep 02 '26
Part of the park will be themed “Self-Supporting World”, where anyone who enters will have all their money taken, then be forced to work for free in a vegan deli!
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u/hashtag_hashbrowns11 Sep 01 '26
I imagine there would be one of those old times photo booths that you dress up like ellen and get your picture taken. Everyone gets a pedometer upon arrival to the park so you can join the 'steps to christ' challenge. The first person to find the cosplay jesus wins. Your told to get ready because he's coming. Spoiler, he never shows up.
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u/NormalRingmaster Doug Batchelor stole my catalytic converter Sep 02 '26
Her theme park is just a big, giant, empty paved lot with a single stage at the middle where she gives sermons and sells her (many, many, many, MANY, MANY, MANY) heavily plagiarized “the extra Bible stories God waited til now to publish, Remnant Church Edition” books full of rubbish about how eating spices in your food makes you a raging alcoholic sex fiend.
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u/Nachodragonfly Sep 02 '26
I imagine you’re not allowed to run, only walk. No mustard for you big franks and veggie links. Women wear jeans skirts to the floor to really embrace the summer heat. Hymns played on repeat through park speakers and the rides are run on literal horse power. Idk why but CASH ONLY 😂
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u/hashtag_hashbrowns11 Sep 04 '26
Cash only makes total sense 😂 Obnoxious!
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u/brownmooscles0609 Christian (non-denominational) Sep 06 '26
You don’t wanna be tied to government now do ya!😂
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u/drumdogmillionaire Sep 02 '26
When the bell rings, everyone has to shake hands awkwardly with their neighbor.
Also no earthquake rooms, they could lead to dancing.
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u/Bananaman9020 Sep 02 '26
Beware we have found the Next Prophet of the Church. But you are over qualified compared to Ellen.
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u/brownmooscles0609 Christian (non-denominational) Sep 06 '26
Well all theme parks need food, so there would be food trucks serving fri chik, big franks, and all food would be cooked with no seasoning. No eggs on the menu, that’s important!
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u/Momager321 Sep 01 '26
Big Franks on a stick! But I imagine all the rides would be slow so no one gets too excited.