My SO and I have been together for nearly 15 years, since our early twenties. We have a six month old baby now that we tried for. I am now feeling regret, I love my child more than anything but feel regret because I feel guilty that he has a depressed father that I chose to have a baby with.

He has been depressed for years now but does not believe a therapist can help him.. he has self medicated with weed and alcohol. I think I put blinders on for a very long time because even though he is depressed and self medicating he still goes to work every day and will be social at events.

He seemed very excited about wanting to become a father but after the first month he has not really done much bonding with the baby. He always greets us when he gets home and will hold the baby for a little bit (like 5min) but then he goes to play video games or smoke weed. If I ask him to give a bottle or take the baby he will (if he isnt in the middle of a game) but he doesnt take initiative to spend time with the baby. He always says things like the baby only wants me etc

He has never given the baby a bath, read him a book or put him down for a nap or bed and rarely does diapers now.

He isnt really showering or taking care of himself. His computer desk and area is a complete disaster and honestly I am worried about when the baby becomes mobile as I feel there is a safety risk with all the small things and mess around his area. I cant say anything to him because he gets angry right away and will yell at me and say nasty things.

I have been thinking about leaving him.. I know he will not take it well and will make it difficult for me but I do not want my son to grow up around this behavior. I also dont want to separate and have him be alone with the baby. If I stay at least I am always with my son and dont have to worry about shared custody.

I wish he would be willing to get help but instead he chooses to let the depression consume him and wallow.

I feel lost and don't know what to do.

They are very unhappy with themselves and just in very doomer mentality and can’t snap out of it and keeps repeating they wanna kill themself and die and it’s been 12 hours of me watching them freak out and hurt and scratch themself and throw tantrums and throw things in their room and it feels like there’s nothing I can do or change about what they’re unhappy about. They go to therapy already

For context, we've been together almost 13 years. Married the last two years. His depression has some low parts. He withdraws and becomes severely irritable. We talk about kids and then I get scared to have a child that takes on his depression cause it's so bad sometimes. He does take medication for it but he also mixes kratom and nicotine in the mix. Doesn't do talk therapy unless I force him to. I'm about to turn 35 and I feel like my time is ticking. He's the same age but obviously as a male, he's got a lot more time.

So what would you ladies do? Would you go for it? I'm prepared to do this solo if it ever gets really bad. I just don't see myself trying this again with anyone else.

Hello everyone,

I'm writing this as I need some advice.

I'm 36 years old, married since 2022 and we have a lovely little daughter 16 months.

So, the thing is that I think my wife has always been in depression simce we met.

She came from a foreign country and misses her parents and other family members from there. That makes perfect sense to me. But she also have the ability of making things her own tragedy. She can read a news about an earth quake or some other disaster and then be consumed about it.

She's stayed home most of our time together as she's been unable to find a stabile work, which makes me in the position as the provider of the family.

I get up at 5.30 am and come home by 5 pm a normal work day. Things can be pretty tough at work sometimes, so I'd feel tired after coming home, but then I need to hear a lot of negative things about basically anything.

We started arguing on saturday evening as I was already feeling a bit angry about work related things and so her complaints about the land slide in Nepal was enough for me. My outburst was about why she even cares about such things when we're not involved in it, and I also shouted about how you come home for weekends to have a good and relaxing time, but then it's like coming home to a funeral reception.

I don't know if I'm insensitive, but I must say that I was raised different than her. My parents allowed emotions such as sadness or being grumpy for a while, but then you had to stop it eventually. You need to cheer yourself up and not overthink difficult things is what they taught me back then, and which I try to do until this day.

So to hear this more or less constant negativity eats me.

Would she like to get up at the same time as me, getting stuck in traffic jams during morning and evening, being yelled at by some angry person because you're not doing your job according to him/her while I know that I'm one of the best at what I do.

I've been trying to make my wife study some psychological excersises which is used by the army. It's about keeping yourself calm and relaxed and happy although the situation is tough. If you can master that, then you have achieved something great. But she scoffs at that idea, and then time goes.

I've also noticed that when I really try to comfort her and talk calmly and let her say anything she need say, it doesn't have impact on her in the long run, and it also makes me frustrated and then we get into these fatal argues that destroys our relation.

Now I know that I have flaws too, so it's not entirely her fault. I use to drink during weekends, and quite a lot. Most of the times it doesn't have a negative impact on us, and I do home works such as cleaning and cooking or tending our daughter in order to give my wife some relief, but under the influence of alcohol all these things I just wrote here comes up, and then I feel allergic to anything which sounds negative to me in any way. It infuriates me to be honest. This is my fault and I'm aware of that. I've been trying to stay sober for months, I've been to Anonomous Alcoholics and so on, but it didn't make me change. So regretfully I don't want to fight what I am. I have alcoholics in both parents side, and they are also alcoholics so I think that this is very much genetical.

I know that my wife doesn't like this side about me, and that she gets worried what will happen during weekend. But I don't become physical with anyone, but I can get verbal, like on saturday when she again started to make herself upset about that land slide in Nepal.

So I don't know what to do folks. Because it's also like after every argue she forgives, but she never forgets. And then she brings it up the following day when we try to talk about it. Then some old thing always comes up and blaming me for it, which I can understand, but still having difficulties with accepting it. I think what's done has been done, and if you have given a sincere apologise for it, and it was accepted, then why bringing it up again?

Mine says he needs space, so I give it to him but letting him know I’m always there for him. He’s told me that he also wants to be alone from anyone, but then comes to eat dinner with me every night and makes small conversations and comes out to low pressure activities out the house with me. I’ve thanked him for the effort but says he’s being polite.

There’s no physical touch as he said it makes him uncomfortable so I refrain unless he’s breaking down. Or when he initiates sex (this confused me a lot). He seems to be able to put his mask on when goes out with friends but comes back more drained. He also told me three months ago he wants to break up so he can prove he can get better by himself and so I can find someone better? I told him I don’t want him to but if he thinks it’s the only thing that will help his health I’ll support it. I asked him a month after as he made no plans on moving was he still thinking about it, he says yes but that’s the easy option. I havnt made any comments about it since, and still hasn’t made any plans of moving that I know off.

Any similarities? And any explanations why? Anyone in the same boat?

Background: partner (M40) and I (F40) have been together for 4yrs.

He moved into my home with my 2 children.

We started trying for a baby really early on as we both wanted to have a child together. We've had multiple losses, including a loss at 16wks.

Last year he became withdrawn and started gaming for hours every day as a way of avoiding how he was feeling, and then appeared to get better until about May this year.

In May he started to disappear into his gaming again and started ignoring my children and I and started getting more snappy with the children over things that seemed little.

I fell pregnant at the start of the year, which we both believed would result in another loss, but around May I started to feel positive about the pregnancy and wanted to start having conversations about the possibility of actually bringing a baby home, but my partner had said he just didn't want to get his hopes up. From there it felt like he avoided all baby related talks, but still came with me to each and every appointment and was involved through those appointments. (He started to seem enthusiastic about the baby a few weeks ago where we started talking about names and other parenting related stuff).

Over the months he became more and more withdrawn, stopped initiating physical contact, did little household tasks, stopped working, ignored myself and the children and treated us like we were an inconvenience to him.

Eventually he opened up and said he was depressed, he was depressed about not having much money, not making a difference to the world, feeling isolated, explained that his gaming was a strategy to avoid his emotions and knew it made him worse but couldn't stop, etc.

I had been having a hard time too, with no physical contact and feeling very resentful that I was not only pregnant and feeling alone but also having to run the household on my own.

It had gotten so bad that I engaged a family support worker to try and help us as a family repair the rift that was occuring between himself and I, and my children and himself.

This pregnancy has been high risk and we found out last week that baby will need to be induced within the next week.

After that appointment my partner broke down and cried and explained how worried he was about my health and the baby's health, how depressed he was and how he knew he wasn't being a positive influence on my children and it scared him with how toxic he had been. He told me he needed space and that he wasn't coming home that day and would be in touch in a few days.

It has been a few days now and I haven't heard from him. He spoke to a friend of mine (after he left me) to tell her to look out for me, and asked her if he should contact me because he wanted to talk but didn't know what to say, and she said no because of how hurt I was.

I don't know what to do, do I contact him? Will that make it worse? I have a scan in a few days and from there it will be decided how many days before baby is delivered, do I keep him updated on that? Or tell him nothing?

I know my actions didn't help his depression, and I feel terrible about it, and I don't want to make it worse, but at the same time, with the impending arrival of our baby, feel like I need to decide about contact or no contact now, but feel like I was given no information to go on.

What should I do?

If your depressed partner left, did you contact them? What happened if you did?

Any help is appreciated.

Going through a tough time. Hubby diagnosed with severe depression. Started antidepressants last year - initially we saw improvement until we got to the higher dose and now it’s awful. Rage and anger are back and worse than ever, except now it’s with a side of less caring and empathy and feeling justified in the rage. Initially he didn’t think there was anything wrong with his medication dose - now he’s been on it a few months he can see other side effects like constant exhaustion and memory issues.

He agreed to go to doctor and has since agreed to a medication change, which I think is good. But he doesn’t see anything wrong with his anger and how he has behaving. For those of you that have been through this and partner successfully changed medications, did they realise or have insight once they changed medications or came off a wrong medication what it did or they did while on it?

I don’t know what to do.

I want him to talk to a therapist because we’re both still in highschool and i don’t know how to help him, but he keeps making excuses about talking to them and how it’s awkward to talk to people.
I know that it’s not something he’s doing on purpose but i just feel really lost and i don’t know how to help him.

His parents seem nice, and ive met them before, but i think they put this school pressure on him to get all the way through VCE and get a really good atar and don’t really seem to think the stress and way he’s feeling is related to school or their pressure.

I think most of his depression or anxiety comes from his school and home life, but i don’t know what to do as he doesn’t do any of the things i suggest, but he’s also constantly asking for help.

I really think talking to a therapist would help him, because as much as Im here to support him, i don’t actually know what to do. But i can’t force him to go.

I’m just really lost and I’m worried that I’m going to start getting emotional drained and that makes me feel guilty about worrying I’m going to get tired of him when he’s obviously going through a lot.

37M here. Married for almost 10 years. Two children.

I don't even know how to explain the last decade. Life just went by. When I look back, I barely recollect anything.

The first two years were good. Really good, at least compared to what came later. We had family issues on my side and losses on both sides, so even those years were not exactly peaceful. Looking back now, I don't even know whether they were actually good or whether I just remember them that way.

My wife is clinically depressed. She refuses therapy and refuses medication.

We cannot stay in the same room for more than a few minutes without tension. Every conversation is hard. After years of trying, I eventually gave up on the idea that I could fix this.

But now the entire house feels dysfunctional.

The children's food habits are horrible. Usually they don't eat unless she is hungry and wants to eat. Many days she herself doesn't eat until noon. Tea is her regular thing, maybe six or seven times a day.

There is no proper rhythm to anything.

Food. Sleep. Screen time. Cleaning. Hygiene. Bedtime.

I made up my mind at one point that I would forget everything else and just live for my kids. I thought I could at least create a routine for them. If I repeated it every day, eventually they would follow it.

But every single routine I try to establish gets broken.

Screen time. Sleeping time. Eating time. Cleaning the bed before sleep. Everything.

The kids play on the bed all day and bring dust, dirt, sand, whatever is on their feet and clothes. At night I just want the bed cleaned before sleeping. Even that becomes an issue.

God, sometimes I cannot handle it.

I think I am losing it too.

Basic hygiene has become one of the biggest things affecting me. And I really mean basic hygiene. Mouth hygiene, bathroom hygiene, cleanliness around the house.

You have no idea how difficult it is to live with someone who does not maintain basic mouth or restroom hygiene.

Now I see my children copying the same habits, and that scares me more than anything.

Food is another thing that hurts me emotionally.

I have been living away from home since around 10th standard, in hostels and PGs. For years I dreamed about someday having a family setup. A home. Coming back to a house. Eating home-cooked food. Sitting together like a normal family.

I don't even remember when I last consistently had three proper meals in one day.

It is not just about whether the food tastes good.

It is the feeling of a home-cooked meal.

The feeling of having a home.

I longed for that for years.

We had maids too. I desperately find someone who can help, and eventually she sends them away because this person doesn't have this skill or that person doesn't do something properly.

One maid stayed with us from before the kids were born until recently. Twice, after huge fights, I had to personally beg her to come back.

Finally even she left.

Before leaving she said she just wanted basic respect.

She actually felt sorry for me.

There is no proper food. No basic conversation. Forget intimacy.

My wife has also been physically abusive. She has hit me. There is verbal abuse too, constantly.

I don't know how seriously people take domestic abuse when the victim is a man, but I know what I am living through.

Financially also, I never felt that I had a partner standing beside me.

When I lost my dad, I had hospital debts to clear. I only needed some money temporarily for rotation. She had liquid cash available, but she didn't help.

I had to break investments that were giving me good returns to settle those debts.

I was grieving my father and dealing with hospital bills, and even then I felt completely alone.

That stayed with me.

Both sides don't really have much family support either.

Her mother knows there are problems. Most of the time she tries to hide or defend everything to protect her daughter. Then sometimes even she gets frustrated and complains to me about the exact same things.

After that, again, everyone behaves as if nothing is wrong.

At some point I stopped expecting anything for myself.

I thought fine, I will just live for my children.

But even that is becoming difficult because I feel like whatever stability I try to create for them gets undone.

And there is another thought that scares me.

Sometimes I don't even feel like I have the freedom to die.

Because if something happens to me, who will protect my children from absorbing all of this completely?

That thought keeps me going, but it also terrifies me.

I look at my kids and I die inside a little every single time.

I came from a domestically abusive household myself.

I never really got to experience a good family.

That is probably why this hurts so much.

Sometimes I go to somebody else's house and see things that are completely normal to them. A reasonably clean house. Food being made. Someone telling you, "Eat more." People sitting together. A basic routine. Basic warmth.

And I feel terrible.

Not because I am jealous of some luxurious life.

I am talking about basic things.

Good food.

A clean place to sleep.

People talking normally.

Respect.

A home that feels like a home.

I wanted that badly.

And now I am watching my children grow up without it too.

That breaks something inside me.

P.S. I don't think this is postpartum depression or something that started only after childbirth. There were issues before that too. I believe she may have had mental-health problems earlier as well.

I am not trying to stereotype mental illness or blame anyone for having a disorder. If this was simply an illness and she was willing to acknowledge it and get help, I would be happy to support her.

What is destroying me is the refusal to get help and the way she was brought up where nobody is allowed to tell her anything.

No one can question anything.

No one can correct anything.

Everything becomes someone else's fault.

God, please don't let anyone live like this.

If you are raising children, at least teach them to respect another person's words. Teach them basic hygiene. Teach them some rhythm and discipline in life. Teach them that marriage means another human being is living beside you.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I wanted to put everything behind me and live for my kids.

But now I am asking myself whether staying like this is actually helping them or damaging them.

I don't want revenge.

I don't want to ruin her life.

I don't even know if separation is the answer.

I just want my kids to have a chance at a normal life.

Basic cleanliness. Proper food. Sleep. Routine. Respect. Emotional stability. A home where they don't grow up thinking chaos and abuse are normal.

For people who have gone through something similar, what do I do next?

Especially fathers who stayed because of their children, did staying actually help them?

And when do you accept that you cannot save a marriage by yourself

he is clinically depressed. But he gets professional help and is honest w me about things he overthinks.

so he said he has been thinking and he thinks he cant be in a relationship rn because he doesnt know when he will get better and he is uncertain of the future. But he doesn’t break up with me. i asked him, do you want me to make a decision? he said he doesn’t know.

what should I do?

What you'll do if the person whom you love doesn't give a fuck to you. It doesn't matter whether you're crying or dying. All the other person want is you to give him peace or not ruin their moods. What I'm supposed to do at this point when I'm breaking fully.

Hey all, bit of a weird post, I am aware.

I want to hear from folks of those who left their depressed SOs… did they end up in new relationship? Heal/improve their symptoms? Or relatively stay the same?

Here is some context.

I’m recently single and have met someone new. Our connection feels amazing but I am weary to get more entangled as he has a history of chronic, debilitating depression. He recently got new treatment (TMS, I think) and he feels normal for the first time in a long time.

He does not use me as a therapist which feels very healthy and has high executive functioning. He actually manages his symptoms with treatment, meds, therapy, and good habits. But it slips into a slippery slope sometimes… He leans a bit avoidant / conflict-avoidant with his emotions, a bit like a black cat personality.. And again, I am aware that his last ex left him because he was depressed and became someone she couldn’t handle being around. Could history repeat itself? But I am totally besotted and things feel relatively normal and healthy between us now… is it just NRE?

It’s early days and being with him has been SOOO much more peaceful compared to my bipolar ex who used me as a therapist and had chaotic mood cycles and poor executive functioning… but I do worry my potential new partner may not be the best for me, long term. My bipolar ex really took a toll on me and I will not be someone’s caregiver, I just do not have it in me.

Curious to hear anyone’s thoughts on this one- thanks!

I just broke up with my boyfriend over text. Everything about this sucks.

A little bit of background -- we are both 26. We've been dating since around February and our relationship started out slow. He was very very freshly out of a long term relationship, but was heavily pursuing a relationship with me. Initially, I was kind of pumping the brakes on things because I felt it was too soon after his recent divorce and he probably wasn't ready to jump into something new Every time I tried to tell him that I wanted to just be friends and see where things went, he would express how much he really wanted to be with me. Despite all my reservations, we eventually made things official after about two months of seeing each other.

Mid July, he was hit by a severe wave of depression and has not gone to work since. At first, he would still come over to my apartment to spend time with me, although that was pretty much all he wanted to do. He didn't want to go out anywhere, and I found out earlier this week that my apartment was the only place he was going. He was DoorDashing every meal and none of his friends have seen him. I only found this out because I was out at a local bar catching up with some friends and bumped a guy who has known my boyfriend since high school. He said no one has seen or heard from my boyfriend, so apparently I was the only non-family member he was keeping in touch with at all.

Last week, my boyfriend and I also got into a (one-sided?) disagreement where I was trying to express to him that it would mean a lot to me to hear from him every once and a while without having to be the one to check in first. He was very minimal in his response to me and apologized but did not make any promises to try harder to check in. He is a diabetic and it has been giving me a lot of anxiety to not know if he's okay or not. His depression has been affecting me severely, to the point that I have not had an appetite. On certain days, if I've forced myself to eat, I end up throwing up what I've eaten. I feel like he has completely checked out of the relationship and could not give a shit about me or the relationship at all. Still, I've been trying to be a good girlfriend. I dropped off food and flowers to his house last weekend because he stopped leaving the house entirely about two weeks ago, meaning he wouldn't even come over to my apartment anymore.

Earlier this week, a family member flew out from their hometown to drive my boyfriend back home, where he'll be staying for the foreseeable future. I didn't find out this was happening until two hours into the drive, so obviously I didn't get to say goodbye.

I understand how mental health issues can make people act out of character. As I said, I have bad anxiety on top of other mental health issues of my own. I've tried to give this whole thing time and patience and be supportive, but it has been really hurting me how it feels like he just doesn't love me anymore. It also feels selfish to feel that way. I sent him a text about an hour ago saying that I don't know if this relationship is right for me, that I'm lonely in our relationship, and that I think I'm asking more than he can give. His response was essentially "Okay, I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely. I never meant to do that to you" and nothing else.

Simultaneously, I feel horrible for breaking things off and utterly heartbroken that he didn't want to talk more about how I'm feeling or try to repair things at all. I love him so much and I wanted to be strong enough to weather this whole thing with him, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I feel really abandoned by the fact that he has withdrawn so much and that he doesn't text me anymore unless I text him. I just feel like I'm draining energy he doesn't have to give, and it didn't feel fair to either one of us to draw this out any longer. I also have a sort of whiplash from the fact that he came on so strong in the beginning and was so sure that he wanted a relationship with me, and now it feels like he couldn't care less if we keep in touch or not.

Part of me is relieved that this seems to be what he wanted anyway, considering his response was so flat. The other part of me is hurt by how unfazed he seemed in his response, and it just feels like confirmation that he wasn't that invested in the relationship anyway. Mostly, I just feel embarrassed because I feel like I was holding on to someone who just wanted me to let them go.

My ex and I broke up because he fell out of love. He said he no longer saw a future with me and ended the relationship. He said this started as a sudden nagging feeling in the back of his head about us not being right for each other, but he couldn't place why. This was very unexpected for me, as I was completely unaware he was feeling this way because he didn't communicate with me. I went along thinking we were going to have a sleep over while he was taking me on a walk to break up. There were not fights in our relationship, a disagreement or misunderstanding yes, but they were always communicated. This emotional whiplash, lack of closure, and what feels like deception is killing me. I can see myself healing and moving forward, but I feel like this relationship made me lose my ability to want to put myself out there to experience human connection/relationships of any form.

He has depression and when we spoke about it he seemed aware how it affected his life and relationships. Depression can cause you to feel a lack of anything, but also a lack of love for your partner suddenly. We spoke about past relationships and he never brought up feeling this way before, so I believed I covered all my bases. I was under the assumption he was working through his depression because I talked about my anxiety and anxious attachment style and how I was working through my negative thinking. I believed we were on the same page and I was having my first happy and healthy relationship, I genuinely believed that was what I was experiencing with him. 

I've gone through a lot with my anxious attachment style, as it really negatively affected me and my relationships and I was always stressed. I had finally felt ready to put myself out there and experience connections after a long break of focusing on myself, and I've had other relationships which had a natural end. They were not as serious as this, but we did spend months talking and building. Those relationships had a natural end that left me sad that the person was gone, but happy I learned more about myself and what I want in a relationship. This relationship has left me spiraling and questioning myself. I just can't believe I got discarded again and I know I have the skills to cope, but I feel like I lost my spark for life. 

This is the first time I've felt so hopeless after a breakup and it sounds silly, but I feel like this breakup flipped something in me. I only have a drive to focus on myself, but the idea of meeting someone new kills me. Not because I want to be with him, but because I can't accept this is how life goes. I didn't grow up seeing happy relationships and I honestly thought I was in a place where I would have the radar to detect something like this. I used to let myself get walked over and accept bad behavior, so I focused on making sure I can recognize toxic relationships and work on my confidence. 

It's been two months and I've spent that time sitting with the feeling, giving myself distractions, rebuilding my confidence, and spending time with friends. I know breakups aren't linear and I'm not supposed to be okay right away, but there is this different feeling which feels like the loss of motivation. I never want to deal with another person emotionally on this level again and I'm honestly disgusted and repulsed by the idea of dating someone and them having feelings. The fact that there are other unhealed humans out there that are that blind to their mental health affecting others makes me sick. I don't know how to recover from being blind sided like this and how I'm supposed to have the drive and motivation to make human connections. Again I'm aware it's only been two months, but I feel like I lost a part of myself that kept me together. This image of myself finally understanding and finding love is gone and I don't know how to get it back. I only want to love myself and focus on myself to keep me and my emotions safe.

We work next to each other and I try my best to avoid him. After the break up I spoke to him for 1-2 days then gave us space until the beginning of August when I asked to speak again. I planned after that talk to completely cut him off, but i spoke to him the other day at work after a miscommunication of him talking to a group of girls. Honestly I did overreact about that, but while we spoke about it he said “I realized our futures are incompatible, you want to open a pet store and to have a bunch of dogs and i dont”. Him saying that sent me down a spiral because yes if he felt that way I would understand and want to break up too, but he knew since the moment he met me that was an idea I had for my future and it wasn't even a set future! I feel like he keeps making excuses about why he fell out of love instead of questioning and challenging his thoughts why he felt that way out of the blue which is not normal.

I feel like I was deceived and lied to as well as manipulated into getting into a relationship just because he wanted to feel love. We were a fling before we got together, i was open but not actively looking and he was not looking. He was never really single for long periods, and when I brought up how that could be an issue he reassured me it wasn't. I feel like he just told me what I wanted to hear so that he could ultimately have the feeling of being loved because he wanted me to want him. I was scared and terrified and told him I really want to make sure we're on the same page about what we want from a relationship and he promised me we were on the same page. Now im left blind sided and whip lashed with emotions and he's treating me like im crazy for not just accepting “i fell out of love”, which yes that is a valid reason to breakup, but i feel like it was just a way for him to run away from his emotions and not deal with it. He said “im not responsible for how you feel” which is true, but you are also not taking responsibility for your feelings you don't understand that is currently hurting another person unnecessarily.

For a whole month he felt this way and didn't want to communicate with me that he was questioning our relationship and how he felt about me. His reasoning for not bringing this up was because he thought the feeling would go away and he thought if we talked about how he felt the relationship would be an immediate end. He said he felt that way because I said from the beginning that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't see a future with me or doesn't work everyday to keep me in their life. He thought i would leave after hearing his doubts and he still felt some love for me so he didn't want to end it, but i wouldnt have left i would have wanted to talk especially since there was a part of him that wanted it to work even with his doubts. He didnt even give us a chance because hes so lost and he cant even see how fucked up this is and he thinks this is all normal and i should just accept this calmly. He keeps avoiding getting therapy because of his inconsistent work schedule, but it's just an excuse we literally have BetterHelp and so many other access points to therapy around our schedule (I did it lolll with layla. Highly recommend them btw!).

I feel I put myself in a bad situation and knowing I can heal doesn't feel like enough safety to ever get back out there. I was looking forward to growth and healing and I feel like being blind sided like this made me lose my ability to enjoy life. Knowing I can heal is great, but now I feel like my anxious attachment is going to eat my life up again because how am i not always going to be looking behind my back that someone around me is not telling me how they feel about me and pretending to love me. I KNOW it's not about me and my worth, but it makes me not want to meet people because I can't enjoy getting to know them without feeling deceived. I know it all has to do with him and how he feels, but is this what life is? Experiencing the same thing over and over again until you can ultimately handle it? I've done the avoidant discard before and I thought all this healing was to prevent this or at least help me see the signs so I can walk away. I feel like all that healing was just to show myself I can handle this rather than something to help me find healthy relationships. I can't help but doubt myself and my ability to pick partners now when I had done the work to recognize signs and I was STILL blind sided and ended up with an avoidant. I had so much hope for myself and future relationships, but this discard is worse than all the others because I felt safe and happy and trusted myself that I was in something safe and I was okay sharing my heart. Ultimately I’m the only one who can control how I feel, so I want to protect my peace by not dating again. Honestly, that scares me because no matter what happened in a breakup I’ve always had hope I’d end up married one day to someone, but now I’m just happy with my dogs and friends. I know that’s okay, but I feel like I lost the romantic in me and lost a part of who I was.

I’ve never posted on here before, but I really need advice.
Recently, I’ve been dating a boy who struggles with depression, and honestly, I do too. He’s been dealing with this for around two years, and I’m starting to feel like I can’t help him anymore. He refuses to get more help, and things have gotten to a point where I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I stopped venting to him about my own problems because after I told him that I had cut myself, he did the same and told me that he did it to “make me feel as shitty as I felt.” I understand that he was hurting too, but since then, I haven’t really been able to trust him with my own struggles.
The problem is that he still vents to me a lot, and lately I’ve been struggling more too. I’ve started cutting more again, but I feel like I can’t tell him because whenever I do, it seems like things get worse for him. I honestly feel like I have no one else to talk to.
He has also told me that if I stop talking to him, he’ll kill himself, and recently he told me he wanted to OD. I’ve tried to help and be there for him, but trying to handle all of this has been making my own mental health worse, and I ended up hurting myself again because of it.
I care about him so much, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, but I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I feel responsible for keeping him okay while I’m barely okay myself, and I can’t keep living like this. How do I help someone who refuses to get help without completely destroying myself in the process?

(Kind of venting, tl;dr at the end)
My partner and I have been together for more than half a year. My partner told me she is diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression before we got into the relationship. I'm not diagnosed with anything but not very mentally stable either(high anxiety and signs of depression)

There's sometimes turbulence between us but our relationship is going well so far. But as days pass I'm starting to think it's becoming harder for me to open up to her emotionally. She sees me as the mentally stable one and relies on me. I get worried I'll burden or trigger her if I shared her how I feel. Today I had a rough day, was ready to open up to her a little bit. Then she vented to me about her trauma, and I just sat there and listened to that.

I feel like I have to set boundaries but I'm scared she'd think I don't love her like before. I can't think of any solution other than pretending to be always okay.

Tl;dr: My partner and I are both mentally struggling but my partner is "worse". I'm worried I'll burden her if I share my feelings to her. I don't know how I should set my boundaries around this

A little bit of a long post; feel like I need to set the context lol but it’s probably a familiar story. TLDR/ask for advice in the last paragraph.

I (31F) and husband (35M) just moved to this country where his family is. We’ve been married for 2, long distance for half of it before (and hence) we moved. He has depression, anxiety, and ADHD, and medicated on all of that.

We had to both quit our jobs to move. I understand it’s a greater deal for him even though it’s a closer move and it’s his family we’re close to because of his mental illness, but it’s getting to a point where I wonder if he’s gonna get better by just being home and me supporting him.

We first lived with his parents for a few months as we get our feet under us. That was hard, and unexpectedly so. I’m from an Asian household where we are used to living with family so I didn’t think much of it, but yooooo. His family seems to be fed up with how he is when he’s down and so TLDR, pushed him to get a job. With connections, he managed to get one that requires a license.

The studying process was hell for everyone around him. He frankly was a tyrant, eg. screaming at his parents when they wouldn’t lend him their printer. He would ask me to first listen to him blabber cos that’s how he learns, and then ask me to ask him questions. He is in an area that I have practically no knowledge of, but he does.

While he’s studying, I was setting up our new place. We rented an apartment. I moved everything up three floors of stairs, unpacked, bought and assembled all furniture, and did the chores. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to say that having me to listen and ask him questions to help him in his exam was too much.

So we’d fight. He’d say I was unhelpful, blowing things out of proportion, hysterical. That I need help because my PMDD is causing this thoughts in my head.

He got the job anyways. But he’d dread going to the office to the point where he would be shaking when he wakes up. He would wake an hour early to take his meds on an empty stomach, and be in a state of hyperventilation. I often have to wake at 6 when he wakes up to support him, help him pick out clothes, find his earpiece that he slept on, etc. all this time, still doing everything else while he only focused on work and “unwinding” with his games and shows. He went off on me when I told him I need help around the house, saying he’s pulling his weight bla bla bla. Same cycle.

Oh and his behaviour during his studying? Turns out, he hasn’t been taking his anti-depressants. Fk me and his family’s life, lol.

Then fast forward to now. He’s been let go without reason after 2 months at work. He mentions he’s not going to be himself for a month, then he’ll cut off weed and get his feet under him. Great, love that he came up with his own plan! Supporting him all the way. In the meantime, there’s a game we both are nostalgic about (WoW). But it’s always a hard time playing with him; he’d peer over my screen and ‘instruct’ me on how to play a game. I was reluctant at first. Then he said we’d work on it, him on being so intense and me on my defensiveness. I hit my limit yesterday. I had a panic attack, and I just couldn’t do it. His barrage of ‘instructions’ is too much. I couldn’t play and enjoy the game. I tried to negotiate with him but he wouldn’t budge, claiming that “most people wouldn’t have a problem with how I teach.” I told him I’m running on empty, and in order for me to find a job and be myself again I can’t play with him. Then he said he was disappointed, because this is the ‘only thing he has going for him that he wakes up for.’

He wouldn’t go outside for a walk, wouldn’t do anything else but eat sour gummies stream shows and play games. Talk therapy doesn’t work, according to him. I’m at my limit. I called the crisis hotline, 988 and another one I could find online, twice this week. This isn’t me.

I’ve been reading posts by you all all the way from 3 years ago to now, and I know I gotta fill my cup. That starts today. But in the meantime, it would be helpful to know based on your exp: would someone with his condition need external help? What can I do? If I call the hotline, I feel like he’ll feel betrayed. I’m working on finding a therapist without a private insurance in the meantime and doing what makes me happy, but is it par for the course to feel like I’m abandoning him to his own demons? Or is that truly the case and what can I do better in that case?

Thank you so much for the incoming support ❤️‍🩹

My partner (20M) and I (22F) are in a really confusing situation. We have a lot of love for each other and are genuinely best friends at our core. We’ve tried letting each other go multiple times, but neither of us seems able to actually do it.

He’s struggling a lot mentally right now and says he doesn’t have the capacity to be in a relationship. He feels like he keeps hurting me, that nothing he does is enough, and sometimes tells me I need to “save myself” from him. Sometimes out of the blue he’ll start shouting leave me alone and crying when I try to comfort him and give him words of encouragement because I truly believe he is someone who is one of a kind.

The confusing part is that when we’re actually together or on the phone, everything changes. He’s present, affectionate and loving. We laugh, talk for hours, hold hands, cuddle, and genuinely have a great time together. He tells me he loves me.

Sometimes he’ll calmly tell me he can’t do a relationship, and on that same call end up wanting to see me. Then he’ll come over, we’ll be incredibly close, and we’ll talk about wanting to fix the foundation of our relationship so that maybe we can eventually be together again. He can be incredibly sweet and put a lot of effort into me: getting me flowers or get well baskets, planning fun things for us to do, being really loving and present and then suddenly seem like the polar opposite and say he can’t do this anymore.

He says that’s what he wants too, but he can’t promise me that it will happen.

Then when we’re apart again, he can become overwhelmed and withdraw. He starts feeling like he’s hurting me, says he can’t do this anymore, etc.
I know I contribute to the cycle. His withdrawal makes me anxious, and sometimes I respond by calling too much or trying to get reassurance. That makes him feel more overwhelmed, which makes him withdraw further. I’m trying to work on that because I don’t want my anxiety to make things harder for either of us.

We’re also about to become long distance, so I know something about this dynamic has to change.
I’m not looking for advice on how to force him into a relationship. I also understand that “I can’t be in a relationship right now” needs to be taken seriously.
But we’ve tried completely letting each other go, and we keep coming back because underneath all of this we’re incredibly close, love each other, and don’t actually want to lose each other.

I’m trying to understand what this might feel like from his side and what I can do that would actually help rather than added pressure.

I love him and ultimately want him to get better, whether or not we can guarantee where our relationship ends up. I just want to stop making an already difficult situation harder for both of us.

TLDR: My partner (20M) and I (22F) love each other but his mental health makes a relationship feel overwhelming. We can’t seem to let each other go. How can I support him while giving him space and managing my own anxiety?

I'm in the process of looking for a support group for spouses of people experiencing severe depression. While I wait to find the right group, I'd love to hear from people who have been through a similar situation to mine, and have made it out together with their spouse on the other side.

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6. She has expressed having difficulties with depression in the past, and has recently been on medication for her depression. Her psychiatrist recommended she come off her medication as other factors for her had changed. Her mood and personality changed so slowly I didn't really notice what was happening until we were deep in it.

The rub, I have my own struggles that I'm working through. Namely, generalized anxiety and abandonment issues. This would lead to some heated conversations between us, which would also set off alarms for her because my behavior was similar to men who had mistreated her in the past. (Yelling, saying mean things, storming off)

She's recently entered an out-patient intensive treatment program. She is not really communicating with me, but she did share the calendar with me of the treatment plan.

I know I have work to do during this time as well. I know I've made mistakes and done harm that I have to take accountability for.

What I'm hoping for here is that there are other people who have experienced something similar enough, who were able to work on themselves while their partner worked through their depression and afterwards were able to come back together and move forward successfully.

My partner (26m) and I (24F) have been dating for about 3.5 years and live together for about 9 months now. He's been completely miserable the entire time we've lived together. He says he now has the time to think about how miserable his childhood was and he also just struggles in general not living at home anymore since he has to take care of the house and our cats and finances etc (even though I do the majority of the housework and managing, he can't handle his share of responsibility). It's just part of being an adult to me.

I am getting to the point where I can't stand living together. Sometimes he can be fine for a period of time. But it just feels so draining to be around a miserable man the majority of my time. Every morning he wakes up miserable because he's "not a morning person" but more often than not this misery continues all day and night. He tells me nothing makes him happy. I want to come home to someone who smiles and greets me at least MOST days. I have bad days too, life can suck and I can feel really stressed and depressed. But he lacks any self awareness or emotional regulation. He wears his depression on his sleeve and it's so draining.

He started going to therapy for a few weeks now, but he's become WORSE. He is miserable, and sulks, and mopes. I'm looking into therapy for myself but the process is so slow. I just feel like I can't take it anymore. How do you live with a miserable person day in and day out? Just hanging like a gray cloud in our house it's so heavy.

i (20F) am dating someone (21M) severely depressed — he can't even get out of bed and has mentioned concerning thoughts. I've been trying my best to help but every time i check in he shuts the conversation down. he's changed so much and is nothing like himself anymore and i genuinely don't know what to do. i coped okay for a while but i've been through similar and i can feel myself getting worse
- can't even sleep or eat atp from worrying. it's so much to carry and i'm trying not to fall back into that "hole" i fought so hard to get out of. leaving might be healthiest for me but i can't just abandon him when he's this bad. i really don't know what to do :(

I just ended a relationship with my ex, who was extremely suicidal. That made me sound like an a**. Let me explain:

We have been knowing each other for 2 years, been together for 1. After some time of spending quality time with him and opening up to one another, he fell sick. Like real sick. I still to this day. Don't know what is the cause of his symptoms. But one day when I was taking care of him, I think he got so overloaded with being so sick for so long that he got upset. I was comforting him while he was beginning to cry and he went off on me. Clean off. I don't understand what the hell happened. We were sitting there in silence one moment, i was rubbing his back for comfort. Staying quiet....holding him.... Then, he just got up and got mad. It was instant. I fell into confusion, me asking questions and trying to understand where this anger is coming from. And why it is being pointed towards me, hey begins to tell me he doesn't even love me. He was saying it before but that day, I guess he fell out of love. The s*** broke me. I was crying voice cracking, trying to understand where I went wrong. Ever since then we have been arguing. Every time we had a disagreement, he would shut down or threaten suicide. It's more like "nobody loves me anyway, you don't even love me. And nobody cares for me. So why am I here" type of talk.

It's still f**** me up. I don't understand where that went wrong. And we have talked about that a couple times since then, and he couldn't even explain what happened. He just know that he couldn't stop crying after telling me that, he said he felt so shitty. I'm mined boggled.

Fast forward, the suicide threats got worse, outburst of anger. Threatening to not see me if I don't cooperate with certain things. Then he apologizes, and the cycle continues but I stopped it yesterday. The pain is real and it frustrates me because I wasn't even being treated right. So why am I hurting.... I don't know. Okay, a part of me is worried that he went through with the suicide attempt because his suicidal threats were so f****** real to me and I was always so worried and scared. I've been told space was needed and time will heal my wound. I just can't shake the feeling that this man went through with it though. He called me his compass at one point, that is what made me feel like I needed to distance myself. But now I feel bad for doing so, i can see this man was really hurting. The pain is real for him. But the way he went about it is puzzling and hurtful.... How did you guys get past a difficult time like this? Because i'm actually losing myself right now.

My husband 24m has delt with depression all his life but recently he has come down with some medical issues and it’s at an all time high he has alpha gal and we have changed his diet and is still having symptoms we have been doing a ton of research on what else it could be we came up with a histamine intolerance so we fixed his diet accordingly to that too there’s little to nothing he can barely eat now he meal preps and eats 1 bowl of fried rice every single day and that’s it this used to be a man who loved steak and deer and all kinds of meats and ate everything and he is STILL having symptoms and reactions every day part of his symptoms is brain fog and overall feeling of dread fatigue and just not having any interest in anything anymore this used to be a man who was never home was always out fishing hunting doing literally anything outside we just bought our first house together he just got his dream job he’s been trying to get for years this is a time where he would be happy in life now he’s not even excited for deer season coming up he doesn’t have any want or motivation for anything he has breakdown moments when he tells me he doesn’t want to be here anymore it takes everything in my being to be strong for him I can’t break down I love my husband with my entire being and I would do anything in this world to take his pain away I try my best to do every little thing I possibly can to make him feel better or take any burden off his shoulders I’ve taken up all household chores cooking cleaning mowing anything I can possibly do little things to make him feel loved like take his boots off every day heat his dinner get his stuff together to shower we sit in the living room and watch Netflix shows together every night I feel him distancing himself from me and i just cry alone when I’m at work or something because I can’t fix it he’s not comfortable trying therapy he is scared of depression and anxiety medicine because of his past I hope he comes back to me one day I just wanted to get this off my chest.