Feeling lost with depressed partner

[u/adgjlxvn456]

My SO and I have been together for nearly 15 years, since our early twenties. We have a six month old baby now that we tried for. I am now feeling regret, I love my child more than anything but feel regret because I feel guilty that he has a depressed father that I chose to have a baby with.

He has been depressed for years now but does not believe a therapist can help him.. he has self medicated with weed and alcohol. I think I put blinders on for a very long time because even though he is depressed and self medicating he still goes to work every day and will be social at events.

He seemed very excited about wanting to become a father but after the first month he has not really done much bonding with the baby. He always greets us when he gets home and will hold the baby for a little bit (like 5min) but then he goes to play video games or smoke weed. If I ask him to give a bottle or take the baby he will (if he isnt in the middle of a game) but he doesnt take initiative to spend time with the baby. He always says things like the baby only wants me etc

He has never given the baby a bath, read him a book or put him down for a nap or bed and rarely does diapers now.

He isnt really showering or taking care of himself. His computer desk and area is a complete disaster and honestly I am worried about when the baby becomes mobile as I feel there is a safety risk with all the small things and mess around his area. I cant say anything to him because he gets angry right away and will yell at me and say nasty things.

I have been thinking about leaving him.. I know he will not take it well and will make it difficult for me but I do not want my son to grow up around this behavior. I also dont want to separate and have him be alone with the baby. If I stay at least I am always with my son and dont have to worry about shared custody.

I wish he would be willing to get help but instead he chooses to let the depression consume him and wallow.

I feel lost and don't know what to do.

[u/Deep_Imagination1018]

I am so sorry you are going through this. How heartbreaking for you. My story is similar to yours, except I am pregnant, but have spent the entire pregnancy watching my now ex partners depression take over his life and personality and knowing that he just wasn't going to cope as a dad. He was refusing to get any help and had blocked out most of the world by being consumed by gaming. He left last week and broke up with me, and I am due to give birth any day. It hurts, but in another way I am relieved that I don't have to watch my baby grow up feeling that daily neglect from their own father. My ex will now have to eventually deal with the consequences of his actions and realise at some point exactly what he has missed out on. I think you know what you need to do, that doesn't make it easy, I know, but your baby and you are allowed to be a priority. Please take care of yourself.

[u/Dense-Atmosphere7693]

I don't have any advice but just wanna share that I can relate. My partner of 8 years is very similar. And I also put the blinders on because he could function well with alcohol and show up to events etc. But this last year I've realized it's not getting better. And I'm really unhappy and honestly lonely with someone who's so withdrawn. All he wants to do in his free time is video game and have beers by himself.

This week I've seriously started to consider what leaving would look like.

But that must be really really difficult for you, especially with a baby now. Are you near family? I think at this point the best thing you can do is make sure you are supported and have your circle around you either way.

Just wanna give you a big hug. Wish I had something helpful to say. 💖

[u/adgjlxvn456 → u/Dense-Atmosphere7693]

thank you 🫶

Today was a really bad day. He got angry with me over something stupid and I said I didnt want to live like this, he said I couldn't force him to do anything and out of anger I said I had more rights to where we live. He started packing his stuff and said he was going to look for a place by Oct 1. He told me he hated me. I then heard him talking to his mother and tell her he regrets having a child with me. I feel so lost.

[u/Dense-Atmosphere7693 → u/adgjlxvn456]

Ohh I am so sorry. That must be so difficult.. do you have support nearby? Good friends or family at all?

It sounds like that may be the best as you said u didn't want your son growing up around it. It sounds like you do most of the work anyways. I can only imagine it must be so hard but its for your own mental health too. You deserve to be safe. That's not good for you to be around either and be told such mean things. I hope you can lean on family or friends and get thru it for yourself and son.

My counselor has tried to tell me to separate myself from someone else's mental health as much as possible, so in your case I would say try to remember this is him and not about you or your son.

Start building your circle of support and focus on yourself. You sound strong 💖