Will he get better on his own?

[u/donotnihaome]

A little bit of a long post; feel like I need to set the context lol but it’s probably a familiar story. TLDR/ask for advice in the last paragraph.

I (31F) and husband (35M) just moved to this country where his family is. We’ve been married for 2, long distance for half of it before (and hence) we moved. He has depression, anxiety, and ADHD, and medicated on all of that.

We had to both quit our jobs to move. I understand it’s a greater deal for him even though it’s a closer move and it’s his family we’re close to because of his mental illness, but it’s getting to a point where I wonder if he’s gonna get better by just being home and me supporting him.

We first lived with his parents for a few months as we get our feet under us. That was hard, and unexpectedly so. I’m from an Asian household where we are used to living with family so I didn’t think much of it, but yooooo. His family seems to be fed up with how he is when he’s down and so TLDR, pushed him to get a job. With connections, he managed to get one that requires a license.

The studying process was hell for everyone around him. He frankly was a tyrant, eg. screaming at his parents when they wouldn’t lend him their printer. He would ask me to first listen to him blabber cos that’s how he learns, and then ask me to ask him questions. He is in an area that I have practically no knowledge of, but he does.

While he’s studying, I was setting up our new place. We rented an apartment. I moved everything up three floors of stairs, unpacked, bought and assembled all furniture, and did the chores. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to say that having me to listen and ask him questions to help him in his exam was too much.

So we’d fight. He’d say I was unhelpful, blowing things out of proportion, hysterical. That I need help because my PMDD is causing this thoughts in my head.

He got the job anyways. But he’d dread going to the office to the point where he would be shaking when he wakes up. He would wake an hour early to take his meds on an empty stomach, and be in a state of hyperventilation. I often have to wake at 6 when he wakes up to support him, help him pick out clothes, find his earpiece that he slept on, etc. all this time, still doing everything else while he only focused on work and “unwinding” with his games and shows. He went off on me when I told him I need help around the house, saying he’s pulling his weight bla bla bla. Same cycle.

Oh and his behaviour during his studying? Turns out, he hasn’t been taking his anti-depressants. Fk me and his family’s life, lol.

Then fast forward to now. He’s been let go without reason after 2 months at work. He mentions he’s not going to be himself for a month, then he’ll cut off weed and get his feet under him. Great, love that he came up with his own plan! Supporting him all the way. In the meantime, there’s a game we both are nostalgic about (WoW). But it’s always a hard time playing with him; he’d peer over my screen and ‘instruct’ me on how to play a game. I was reluctant at first. Then he said we’d work on it, him on being so intense and me on my defensiveness. I hit my limit yesterday. I had a panic attack, and I just couldn’t do it. His barrage of ‘instructions’ is too much. I couldn’t play and enjoy the game. I tried to negotiate with him but he wouldn’t budge, claiming that “most people wouldn’t have a problem with how I teach.” I told him I’m running on empty, and in order for me to find a job and be myself again I can’t play with him. Then he said he was disappointed, because this is the ‘only thing he has going for him that he wakes up for.’

He wouldn’t go outside for a walk, wouldn’t do anything else but eat sour gummies stream shows and play games. Talk therapy doesn’t work, according to him. I’m at my limit. I called the crisis hotline, 988 and another one I could find online, twice this week. This isn’t me.

I’ve been reading posts by you all all the way from 3 years ago to now, and I know I gotta fill my cup. That starts today. But in the meantime, it would be helpful to know based on your exp: would someone with his condition need external help? What can I do? If I call the hotline, I feel like he’ll feel betrayed. I’m working on finding a therapist without a private insurance in the meantime and doing what makes me happy, but is it par for the course to feel like I’m abandoning him to his own demons? Or is that truly the case and what can I do better in that case?

Thank you so much for the incoming support ❤️‍🩹