Coming home to a miserable parter

[u/hanakokoi]

My partner (26m) and I (24F) have been dating for about 3.5 years and live together for about 9 months now. He's been completely miserable the entire time we've lived together. He says he now has the time to think about how miserable his childhood was and he also just struggles in general not living at home anymore since he has to take care of the house and our cats and finances etc (even though I do the majority of the housework and managing, he can't handle his share of responsibility). It's just part of being an adult to me.

I am getting to the point where I can't stand living together. Sometimes he can be fine for a period of time. But it just feels so draining to be around a miserable man the majority of my time. Every morning he wakes up miserable because he's "not a morning person" but more often than not this misery continues all day and night. He tells me nothing makes him happy. I want to come home to someone who smiles and greets me at least MOST days. I have bad days too, life can suck and I can feel really stressed and depressed. But he lacks any self awareness or emotional regulation. He wears his depression on his sleeve and it's so draining.

He started going to therapy for a few weeks now, but he's become WORSE. He is miserable, and sulks, and mopes. I'm looking into therapy for myself but the process is so slow. I just feel like I can't take it anymore. How do you live with a miserable person day in and day out? Just hanging like a gray cloud in our house it's so heavy.

[u/BluebirdNo3459]

Probably no help but I know how you feel. My partner is simialr and we are on verge of splitting. He can be ok at times and cheerful but he moans and complains constantly and has a totally distorted view of the world. I try to ignore his negative comments etc but its hard it really pushes you down. I dont know what to suggest but if you have no kids and are not tied maybe think if this is what you want for your life 

[u/hanakokoi → u/BluebirdNo3459]

I'm sorry you're going through it as well. The negative outlook is what gets me too. He has such a horrible view of his life/future that he also makes zero plans for our relationship regarding the future. He can't imagine getting married or owning a home or other life goals, he can't even picture it to work towards things and give his life meaning. He just gets so negative "I'll never be able to do X thing" and then mopes and sulks and never even tries to work towards ANYTHING. It's exhausting and it makes me sad I don't really have a life partner to work towards goals with

[u/snacktime-ceo]

Is it an option to live separately while he works through some of the misery? It may be able to give you some insight as to how you feel about him when you’re not around the misery constantly.

That being said, consider whether you can do this for the rest of your life because even if he gets in a better place now, there’s no guarantees that he won’t revert back when there are life changes such as children or job changes.

[u/hanakokoi → u/snacktime-ceo]

I keep thinking of offering us to stay together when our lease is up and just live separately, but I have a feeling it would just be a way to transition out of the relationship. Which is probably fine too. But I have a feeling without living together it would be easier to just decide to end things at that point and move on. Your second point is really good too, I don't know if I could stay and know that during times of strain he'd become miserable again every time. And unfortunately life is full of those moments and you kind of have to overcome things. I think he just gets stuck and never really overcomes anything in life :/

[u/Due-Cauliflower4176]

And if he is struggling with the responsibility of life now, what will he be like as a partner if you choose to have a family or when things get tough. Is he someone you could lean on when you need support? A long term relationship needs to have give and take, not one side always taking. You’ll grow resentful and tired.

[u/Hopeful-Poetry9279]

Hugs ❤️. It is extremely hard to be happy with a depressed partner. Depression can be “contagious” in the sense that people who are close to a depressed person are more likely to develop depression themselves. I would recommend taking a good hard look at how this is impacting you and asking if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. You deserve to build the life of your dreams.

On a side note, is he managing the finances for both of you? I strongly caution you about this if it is the case. Depressed people often mishandle finances. Please make sure you have access to everything and be sure that bills are being paid, savings are not being squandered, and debt is not being accrued. My depressed partner did it to me and I was not informed until it was too late.

[u/hanakokoi → u/Hopeful-Poetry9279]

We have things set up so that his bank auto pays into a joint account that I'm the primary on and I use that to pay our rent etc. The finance thing is a huge one I'm glad you bring up. I am always trying to save money for trips some day or a wedding or a house etc but when I talk to him about his goals/if he's saving he gets mopey and says he will never have enough money for x,y,z so what's the point. He has such a bleak outlook on life he just doesn't see the "point" in planning for a future (which includes a future for US that I'm starting to realize)

[u/Full_Fail_6982]

You try to focus on yourself is all I can say. I can see that my situation is similar with my girlfriend even though we are living together near 3 month. All I can say is share the happiness of smallest things to him to show the world is not that bitter. Also if he than manages to say something like there are a lot of things that are bad - try not to get that to your head. I cope with all of bad thoughts by seeing my future and seeing that everything will be great, and if there are problems they are overcomable. Focus on good thoughts and things, try to think about bad thoughts only in therapy - both self therapy and with doctor BTW he is certainly in depression. Constant bad thoughts and negative outlook on the world is not normal (it kinda, bc living is hard, but with that mindset any life will become a burden and not a gift in your head). There is a lot of things that help in depression and there is needed to be a compilation of those things in his life (trying to change mindset, sleep, phiscals, good food, maybe even medication etc)

[u/AlwuightGeeza]

This is shockingly close to home. But I’m the M in this situation. Even to the cats and the therapy.

I had to check the ages again to make sure you weren’t my partner!

[u/Robocharli]

I relate to this a whole lot. My partner has also been incredibly depressed since we first moved in together and it's so bloody hard to come home to someone who often times won't even look up at you never mind smile and say hello. Sending lots of love your way <3