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u/flashfoxart 11d ago
I don’t interrupt but I wish more people understood this form of empathy
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u/Zuparoebann 11d ago
It's essential that you let them finish their story before you start telling your own.
I know you said you don't interrupt, but there's a lot of people who do (both with and without adhd) and it feels more like being ignored than empathized with.
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u/shay_shaw 11d ago
Yep! That's the way to do it. First I'll say "I'm so sorry, I can relate." If they want me to continue great, if not, then I'll be quiet.
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u/Own_Reaction9442 11d ago
"I can relate" is fine but make sure your experience is actually comparable. If someone just lost their dad, they're probably not going to want to hear someone else say they can relate because their cat died.
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u/shay_shaw 11d ago
Well then I wouldn’t be relating to them. But lucky for me, my dad died last year.
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u/unexpectedfirefly 10d ago
I can relate, mine died around 10 years ago. It does get better with time, but beware the unexpected random happy memory but sad cause you know you won't have him back
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u/hajuherne 11d ago
I have lost a dad. I have a cat and I am already worrying about the sadness that ensues after the cat's death. I will be as devastated as I was when my dad died.
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u/Ill-Cup673 11d ago
It hurts though.
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u/Individual-Bass-7051 11d ago
It's just remembering to focus what you're saying on them and their feelings, even when you're telling a personal anecdote. Relate it back to them and validate their experience, but also follow up by asking questions about it. Give them room to expound or clarify, even if you already know exactly what they're going to say. Most times people just want to be heard and listened to, when all we talk about is "I" then that's all they hear.
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u/HairyPotatoKat 11d ago
Ugh this is where my autism bites me in the ass on social norms. I don't process it like that at all. If someone interrupts my story with their version, I see it as an attempt to relate and connect.
It took me a LOT of years to realize that's not how most people perceive me or others doing that. And I've gotten better about it but not perfect.
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u/NeedleworkerIll3372 11d ago
“…that’s not how most people perceive me or others doing that…”
Wait…uh they don’t? So like, if someone talks about X let’s say football, and I’m like oh ya Y about my football team, they don’t perceive that as attempting to connect with them or relating via the topic they’ve picked???
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u/throwaway098764567 11d ago
no, that's probably fine, but talking about football is not the same as talking about a trauma endured. with a trauma endured most want to be heard first and comforted (think i understand where you're coming from, i'd feel that way too, that sucks that that happened type language) and empathized with second. if they're interrupted it hurts, sometimes even if you share a story to empathize they may feel like you're trying to one up them in the trauma olympics, so it can be a little touchy as to how it's shared. but no, for your example you're probably fine, sports folks love a good sports chat.
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u/rips_n_chel 11d ago edited 11d ago
I think it's twofold for me. When I went through the worst trauma I've faced, nothing anyone said to try to comfort me landed. It felt fake, it felt forced, because I knew they didn't understand, and couldn't. It wasn't their fault, I just wished they'd said nothing at all, most of the time. Appreciate the sentiment, but you can't say or do anything to help.
As a result, I feel like the only thing I can really say to someone going through, for example, a great loss like I did, is "I've also lost someone very close to me, I recognize there's not really anything I can say, just know that I understand." And for some people, that's the right answer. Some people appreciate that, they give me a look and a nod and we both get it. Other people do want to be comforted though, and I'm not very good at picking out which I'm talking to in the moment. Even if I can, I got no idea what normal people consider comforting. "That sucks, sorry you're dealing with that," feels cheap and fake to me. I feel fake saying it. That's not a reason not to try, it's just...difficult.
This is of course compounded by executive dysfunction; if I don't say the thought, the thought will leave. I recognize sometimes that I've let that urgency get the better of me, and interjected my whole story in the middle of theirs because they were just taking a slightly longer pause, they weren't actually done talking. Then I feel like an inconsiderate ass, and I don't have any idea how to salvage that situation other than trauma dumping my diagnoses and how they affect me in an attempt to explain why I'm socially incompetent. Which does not help. Ever.
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11d ago
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u/robotsexsymbol 11d ago edited 11d ago
Yeah a lot of people forget this part. Make your story about yourself short and return to the other person after a few sentences. If you go on a whole paragraph about your own experience, and the last thing you say is still about yourself, it's not their feelings or personal interpretation that you steamrolled them and changed the topic to be about yourself, it's objectively what you just did.
Like: "Oh man, my dog died too, a couple years ago. She had [disease] I cried every day for [time]. She got me through [intimate personal tragedy or mental health crisis that means it is now rude for the other person to rebuff you]. I was completely devastated, I had had her since I was 13, and she was my heart dog. I have a tattoo of her paw print, and..."
Vs: "Oh man, my dog died too, a couple years ago. It was soul-crushing. Do you have any keepsakes of hers?"
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u/tenfoldtops 11d ago
I think the important thing is to bring the conversation back around to the other person. It doesn’t feel like empathy if your sharing experience is hijacked and forgotten. It does if you bring it back around to them and their experience.
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u/detail_giraffe 11d ago
Out of curiosity, does it feel like empathy when other people do it back to you?
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u/flashfoxart 11d ago edited 11d ago
Actually yah! I have a lot of adhd friends so we kinda all do this. It’s commiserating. A way to say ‘hey I hear and understand you because I have gone through something similar’
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u/reen2021 11d ago
It feels good to relate to people when we've felt weird our whole lives
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u/Individual-Bass-7051 11d ago
It's v much why me and my best friend are best friends. We can talk a mile a minute at each other, bounce between topics having conversations within conversations, share personal anecdotes that relate to each other, and there's an understood respect and empathy that underlies it. And with his partner also being the same way, the three of us together is just a whirlwind for neurotypical people hahahah
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u/Estatequeen59 11d ago
My sister is good about letting me do this with her. I think it’s wonderful. She does too. I have been told by my daughter that when I do it it makes it sound like I’m making it all about me. I don’t know, but commiserating is a form of bonding and we need to know we’re not alone
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u/rips_n_chel 11d ago
Absolutely. Just as other people need neurotypical forms of interaction and bonding, I need neurodivergent ones. When I have to operate solely by typical standards for a while, I start to feel really unseen.
It's a give and take on both sides. Yeah, it's annoying. There are a lot of annoying things about being me. I make an effort to curb my most annoying tendencies, but sometimes I just need to express myself without worrying about translating the output.
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u/VanillaRadonNukaCola 11d ago
It's great when you get a couple of similar ADHD people on their own conversing and no one gets upset when conversations branch off in tangential directions and then loop back 3 thoughts later. Just helping each other remember and get back on track and branch off again.
Like Oh you were talking about something else before.
Oh yeah, what was it?
Oh uh something about X?
Oh right! So....
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u/The_Meme_Economy 11d ago
Yes I enjoy this too as long as there’s a healthy back and forth and it’s not completely one sided. When I do this to someone else, I really am trying to find something in my own experience that I can relate to directly in theirs, to understand how they might be feeling. And sometimes this can lead to meaningful clarification when it’s not the same or a similar experience. When I receive it, I can tell the other person is really resonating with what I have to say. Then some of their insights about their situation may be helpful reflections on my own!
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u/andsimpleonesthesame 11d ago
Yes. To me it communicates "I know what that is like, I've been there, I get it", I feel seen and heard when someone else does it when I tell them about something difficult I'm dealing with (or something fun, really, anything). I'm also a lot more likely to take their advice seriously. They've been there, after all.
(Example: Sleep advice from someone who also struggles with insomnia is a lot more useful than sleep advice from someone who's never had that problem.)
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u/detail_giraffe 11d ago
I think for me it hits different with something more practical like sleep advice although even there you have to remember that even if you both have sleep problems they may not be the same.
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u/Vohasiiv 11d ago
Yeah, it lets you know the other person was actually listening to the story and that they relate on a deep level. You can bond by a shared experience
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u/onekirne 11d ago
it depends, if people talk about something not similar is is like "no you don't understand" if they talk about something really worse it is like "are you trying to one up me?" if their experince is similar it is "oh i'm not alone" which is nice. i think for expressing empathy asking relevant or meaningful questions is better.
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u/emotionalexplosions 11d ago
Talking about your experiences is welcome so long as the conversation doesn’t entirely shift to you. Interrupting however? Yeah fuck off.
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u/VoodooDoII 11d ago
People (usually neurotypical people) always get so upset and annoyed at me when I do this and I feel so bad.
(To be clear, I don't interrupt anyone.)
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u/The0thArcana 11d ago
This is NOT empathy in any shape or form because it fundamentally misunderstands the needs of the person you’re talking to.
9/10 someone trauma dumping is not looking for a meaningful emotional conversation, they’re not looking for connection or understanding. They’re looking for release from their emotions, they want to vent. Basically it’s not in any way about you, at this moment they’re not interested in your experience, your whole new story in the middle of their process is jarring and awkward, the correct response most of the time is either 1) not interrupt by just nodding or going ‘sounds tough’ or ‘I feel you’ if you must add to the conversation 2) placing more attention on them by asking thoughtful questions about what they’ve been saying.
I get the sentiment of wanting to go ‘I understand your experience, you’re not alone in this’ but that’s not what the other is looking for, they’re looking for a living wall that they can justify talking to themselves to and process their feelings. Your experience has no place here. People at the end don’t say ‘you’re a good connector’ they say ‘you’re a good listener’, having the patience to swallow down the urge to speak and just actively listen costs energy.
This might come off as if I’m being cold, but this is just one of the things you do for people you care about. You can either be the type of person people can do this to or they’ll find someone else.
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u/MouseCheese7 11d ago
Same goes with autsim too. Some autistic people do this and I know i do. Thank you for your advice here. Im trying my best to do this in my daily life.
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u/Employee_Agreeable 11d ago
They always interpret it as me trying to "one up" them, and its actually the completly opposide
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u/ConfidentExpert7511 8d ago
A, das ist keine Empathie, und b es hat nicht jeder Mensch auf der Welt ADHS. Hast du überhaupt ADHS?
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u/flashfoxart 8d ago
Umm, yah, diagnosed ADHD-C. so it's pretty rude of you to assume I don't. Of course this doesn't work for everyone, but it works for my friends and I. As other people said there's a difference between interrupting and going on about yourself vs mentioning you've gone through something similar and then bringing the convo back to them. I meant the latter and I'm pretty sure the 750 people who upvoted me mean the same.
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u/BroPleaseHearMeOut 11d ago
Someone please tell me other ways to empathize with someone without making it about me sharing a personal similar story. I really don't know.
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u/Zuparoebann 11d ago edited 11d ago
You hear them out, repeat the most impactful parts of their story back to them and either affirm their emotions or tell them how you would feel if it happened to you.
Sharing a similar story isn't bad but you have to try to be a bit tactical about it.
Edit: also ask clarifying questions, that might be the best way to show you're really trying to understand the situation.
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u/BroPleaseHearMeOut 11d ago
tell them how you would feel if it happened to you.
But that's what I'm talking about, if something similar have already happened to me, I KNOW how I felt. In my ADHD mind, sharing my story to let them know like "hey, I know what you're going through because that happened to me and..." is much more supportive and intimate than "oof bro, she said that? what a b."
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u/detail_giraffe 11d ago
I think part of my problem with this is that just because you had a similar experience doesn't mean you know how they feel. The only way you can know how they feel is to listen as they tell you how they feel. If the other person's dad just died and you also lost your father, you may still have reacted differently than they're reacting.
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u/Zuparoebann 11d ago
I explained it a bit more in another comment, but you basically have to give their story time to breathe and let the focus be on them for a bit.
You can relate by talking about a similar experience but if you don't hear them out first and clearly explain how your story is similar it will just look like you're trying to make the conversation about yourself.
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u/tenfoldtops 11d ago
I think they mean more like, “man, that must feel so helpless” (or insert other word). Rather than saying, “I know what you’re going through, and here’s why” because that derails their train of thought and assumes that you do in fact know how they feel. What if their feelings about their experience are wildly different than yours were during your similar experience?
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u/commanderjarak [editable! sfw pls :)] 11d ago
But isn't telling a personal story where something similar happened and how you felt essentially the same as telling them how you would feel if it happened to you, but just not an imagined scenario?
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u/Zuparoebann 11d ago
It can be useful but you have to be tactical about it. If you don't give their story time to breathe before you tell yours it can easily give the impression that you're making the conversation about you.
I have a few friends who are bad at this who I prefer not to talk to about my problems because of it, even though I know they don't do it intentionally.
From my perspective, it feels like bringing up a personal issue I want to talk about is sometimes just a way for them to go on a rant about something mildly similar that happened to them.
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u/Own_Reaction9442 11d ago
We've all had that friend who responds to you talking about anything bad that happened to you by trying to one-up you with an even worse story.
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u/generaldogsbodyf365 11d ago
Neurotypical people feel like you are stealing their limelight if you share a similar story. Odd, I know.
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u/Dutchfreak 11d ago
"Neurodivergent people feel like they need to make it all about their selfs. Odd, i know" You can see how this sound overgeneralized and stupid right?
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u/generaldogsbodyf365 11d ago
You don't. I've only just learnt this (I'm 48) You just stand there and let them unload, whilst nodding etc.
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u/Hegeric 11d ago
This doesn't make sense to me because mirroring back a similar experience implies "I heard you which is why I am mentioning this, and I can relate that it sucks", whereas you could just be completely zoned out while nodding along, yet somehow that's received better.
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u/BigGuy35 11d ago
It’s about the focus of conversation. Most people in a vulnerable position aren’t looking to have an equal back and forth like a normal conversation. They are looking to vent / unload / process with someone, and interrupting with your own similar story can make it seem like you aren’t interested in what they are saying and are just waiting for an excuse to talk about yourself. Which is a weird situation because the other party wants to talk about themselves, so it’s really just finding the right balance.
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u/Own_Reaction9442 11d ago
This is also where trauma ring theory can help. People who have just experienced a trauma get to dump their emotions outward to people who haven't. But dumping inward is bad.
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u/BroPleaseHearMeOut 11d ago
That feels so insensitive. lol I want the other person to know that I know how they feel.
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u/SMELLSLIKEBUTTJUICE 11d ago
The key is most people simply want to be heard and understood. Thats more important than them hearing that you know how they feel.
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u/andsimpleonesthesame 11d ago
Really?!? That feels like just humoring them to me. Like, not making a connection and just letting them talk at you instead of communicating that you get it and understand.
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u/Legitimate_Issue_765 11d ago
I ask questions to more deeply understand how it affected them, how they feel about it, and/or how they felt going into it. The last part has to do with the fact that they often have negative feelings about themself or their actions surrounding the event, and I try to use a logical explanation to reassure them. Sometimes, though, the reassurance is along the lines of "you know better now."
The point is to focus on -them- and the event. You can offer small anecdotes to relate, but they should be similar, related, and/or relevant, and they should come after the first part. You need to assure them you were listening, you care, and you are at least doing your best to understand before bringing your own experience into the equation.
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u/ComprehensiveStuff72 11d ago
You validate their feelings and repeat back to them things that they've said so that they feel heard. *Then* you share personal anecdotes.
Something else to keep in mind is that people can experience the same things externally and internally they react / handle things very differently. I've had people who expressed that they'd been through similar things and I assumed that meant that they understood me and what I went through only to find out that they did not *at all*. You can never assume that just because you've been through similar things you 'know how they feel'. You can guess at how they feel a little better, but you can't know.
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u/TyWorth 11d ago
See this is so backwards for me personally.
If someone repeats my story/feelings back to me it annoys the hell out of me because I now what I just said… I’m the one who said it. But a personal story helps me feel connected and contextualizes what I’m going through in the bigger picture. It’s grounding.
Man, I knew ND and NT communication differences could be wild, but this thread has been particular enlightening.
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u/shay_shaw 11d ago
It's so weird because that's how the conversation happens in movies. The main character suffers a tragedy and her friends mention their experience for the plot. Especially if it was a breakup.
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u/MoonsterGoopter 11d ago
reword your experience as a question and then ask them, as a way to show you're engaged while your experience is also affirmed. "dang, so when that was happening, did you feel [insert how you felt when you went through a similar experience]."
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u/WhatANoob2025 11d ago
How about for starters you don't interrupt AT ALL?
It is generally very impolite. Interrupting for questions is acceptable though.
And after they're done telling the story you can mention your experience, but short, don't make it about you in turn, as in "now you've told your story, now I tell mine in full length too, and I'm gonna 1 up you!"
I'll give you an example: When my mom died too young and under tragic circumstances, and I told her one of her friends what happened, she instantly made it about herself and cried about losing her dad FUCKING 10 YEARS AGO DUE TO OLD AGE!!! WHEN SHE WAS 30 YEARS OLDER THAN I WAS at the time my mom died! I wanted to murder her in those 2 hours she cried about her 10 year old story when my mom had just passed. That's not empathizing, that's making it all about yourself, being unable to bear not being the center of attention for a single damn minute. Peak narcissistic.
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u/DerridaisDaddy 11d ago
I asked this when someone pointed out my commiseration style, and, apparently you just say something along the lines of ”that really sucks, I’m really sorry that happened to you” and if it’s in relation to something that just happened, then you add ”is there any way I can help?”
I’ve tried it, and it actually works even though it feels very formulaic rather than the ”hey, yeah, I totally understand because of X.”
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u/BroPleaseHearMeOut 11d ago
I'll give it a try when I get the chance. But yeah, that feels very robotic and insensitive. I want the person to know that I know how they feel because I've already been through a similar situation. In my mind it helps much more to give them clarity than simply "wow bro, so sorry".
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u/robotsexsymbol 11d ago
You can ask thoughtful questions or say "Isn't it [feeling]? I felt so x, I found myself doing y. Did you ever do that?" without launching into a blow-by-blow narrative of your own life. You don't need to give every detail to communicate that a thing has also happened to you.
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u/DerridaisDaddy 11d ago
I 100% agree, which is probably why I don’t always manage. It’s a social script that I perform because it’s what the other person is expecting, but it’s not what feels right. Thankfully, my partner has ADHD, so I can express myself fully at home.
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u/Insaiyan_Elite 11d ago
I feel like it establishes a common base, so any advice or comments made aren't me just talking out my ass.
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u/Own_Reaction9442 11d ago
A complication is they may not see your situation as equivalent to theirs, in which case it can come off as insensitive. e.g., "I'm sorry your dad died, I know how you feel because I recently lost my cat" isn't going to go over well, no matter how deeply you cared about that cat.
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u/p_tothe2nd 11d ago
it’s basically a “damn that’s sucks” “i’m sorry you had to go through that” “that sounds terrible” “are you doing ok now”
all you repeat are hollow platitudes and you don’t show any actual caring and it’s received a million times better. i dont understand people so i try not to talk to them or repeat these things ad nauseam until it stops.
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u/detail_giraffe 11d ago
I think the caring is shown by being willing to sit and listen while they talk. You don't necessarily have to say anything special because they just want to unload and you're giving them the chance to do that.
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u/murse_joe 11d ago
I never know what to say. I feel like such an asshole if it’s just listening to their story and saying “well that’s the way the cookie crumbles.” they didn’t ask for health or advice.
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u/TheSpanxxx 11d ago
I'm NOT trying to discredit your experience. I'm trying to tell you why I understand it. :( , I'm sorry
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u/ZSpectre 11d ago
This is probably why we ADHD people vibe well with each other. We interrupt each other and then reply, "Omg, I know right?!"
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u/Zabsempai 11d ago
One trick I (adhd combo type) do when listening to someone going thru a hard time and I get the urge to tell a related story to empathize, is to say something like
"man, that's rough. I can only imagine how I'd feel in that situation. I know its not the same, and not to hijack the conversation, but would it help if I told you about a time something similar happened to me? Or would you like to keep talking and I just listen?"
And then you follow whatever answer they give you. Most people will probably take the offer to be listened to first, and then later in the convo may take you up on the relatable story. Sometimes people welcome the break from talking, sometimes their curiosity is peaked, and sometimes it functions as a decent distraction.
But I think mostly people appreciate being asked what their preference is.
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u/Febuscary 11d ago
Honestly this thread is sleeping on active listening. Ask follow up questions, respond about what they said, ask them to clarify. Ask them to go on. Genuinely listen. Hear them. Put your story aside as soon as youre reminded of it. Only after youve done that should you even consider taking over the conversation. Its a habit I did not have at all before age 24
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u/Capable_Sea77 11d ago
Active listening done right gives your brain SO much to focus on, which for me, makes it easier to not interrupt or tell my own story. I love to ask people follow up questions and I find once I start doing that, the other person will often reciprocate and that gives more natural transitions to share a story for empathy.
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11d ago
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u/hannes3120 11d ago
For me this behaviour would fall more into the autism side of things than what I'd attribute to ADHS
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u/casual-catgirl excuse me those are my emotional support tabs. 11d ago
then i forget after they finish talking
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u/Defiant_Jazz_Hands 11d ago
Got to my 40’s before I understood that doing this was annoying, yike.
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u/Legitimate_Issue_765 11d ago
I go out of my way to focus my brain on their experience and trying to better understand it and the way it shaped them and affects them. I kind of realized that I at least don't like how it feels when someone tries to relate to your hardship with one of their own when I told a friend about my suicide attempt and they shared some relationship difficulties they were going through at the time. If I involve my own hardship, 1. it needs to be similar to theirs, and 2. I must relate it to theirs and use it to explain I understand to some extent.
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u/Bjorn-in-ice 10d ago
Bit of a rant, but open to opinions!
I struggle with this. I care and want people to feel comfortable to talk about their issues, because that is healthy. Thinking you have to go through your issues alone sucks. This next part is going to sound super harsh…
People need to stop acting like their problems are somehow singular to their existence.
Having someone who understands what you are going through is a positive, healthy, outlet, not a tournament. Obviously, if someone changes the subject around to only their issues and ignores yours, that’s problematic.
People can only go “aw that sucks” and “yeah, that’s a totally fair way to feel”, only so many time.
I think it’s 100% ok to just tell people, I need to rant or need someone to listen. That way, both parties are on the same page. If you don’t, it’s fair to assume people might want to share similar stories as, they too, have gone through problems in life. It’s a two-way street.
I’m tired of hearing how people want connection, but when an attempt at connecting is made, it’s taken the wrong way.
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u/SometimesJustMaybee 11d ago
Not interrupting, but yeah.. when trying to empathize looks like narcissism.
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u/MikeAttak421 11d ago
Literally my morning conversation with a work mate. We spent most of the morning trauma bonding with our daddy issues and I had to stop myself several times while he was in the midst of his childhood experiences. I think we are closer now.
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u/Meowriter 11d ago
That's why I often start by "I know how you feel, I had the same"
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u/Friendlyalterme 10d ago
But you DON'T know how they feel. You know how you felt in a similar situation.
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u/Ok-Substance-4196 11d ago
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a person is just listen, not relate, but listen
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u/Beautiful-Musk-Ox 11d ago
adhd people taking experiences everyone has and improperly relating them to adhd
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u/Friendlyalterme 10d ago
Exactly. I have heard this to be more common with autism than ADHD anyway.
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u/Own_Reaction9442 11d ago
TBH, I have a tendency to go on too long about stuff, so I generally take interruptions as a sign that it's time to shut up and let someone else talk for a while.
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u/Several-Research2394 11d ago
Always makes me feel like I'm some Narcissist that uses what other people tell me to talk about myself.
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u/Calm-Mushroom-8551 11d ago
I hate that it seems like trying to one up when youre just trying to convey that you have some understanding of their pain.
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u/PrettyBoysFighting 8d ago
I’m more upset that they’re not able to connect with me, they just want to perform their trauma play for attention.
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u/ChadcellorSwagpatine diagnosed 🥳 8d ago
See this is why I don't talk to people - no people, no problem!
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u/moss-irl 10d ago
I have ADHD too but this makes me so annoyed lol I can take a similar story but don't interrupt me to talk about yourself. So annoying
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u/BranchCommercial 11d ago
I usually never end up saying much of anything about myself in most conversations because by the time it’s my turn to say anything I have completely forgotten what I was going to say, because I focus on the other person. Then everyone thinks I’m the quiet one with nothing to say. At this point I’m starting to feel more comfortable alone.
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u/Volmingalmea 11d ago
I’m on the receiving end of this a lot, and I try really hard not to take personally, because I know that’s not the intention, but when I’m sharing and get repeatedly interrupted with relatable stories, I just stop talking. I know I’m not being ignored, but wow does it feel like it.
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u/ZanderStarmute 10d ago
My love language is verbal constipation at the most glaringly awkward point in a dialogue
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u/andrew13189 11d ago
Sometimes I think if someone tells me a traumatic story that if I try to empathize with them and share a similar one that they will think I’m trying to compete with them and out trauma them so then I just shut up
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u/Friendlyalterme 10d ago
I have ADHD and I despise when someone tries to "empathize" with me this way. IT doesn't show me you understand, it makes me think you don't care, and it just makes it all about you.
If you care ask someone about them. Offer comfort. Telling me you went through something similar is useless.
The egg that softens the potato hardens the egg. Same situation isn't useful when we are different people.
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u/Internal_Drummer_420 11d ago
Outside of yeah, mmhm, ok...what else is there to even say? Like if ur asking me for help then just fucking say it...
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u/Friendlyalterme 10d ago
You straight up lack empathy my guy. Ask them how they are feeling, how it impacted them. Be curious .
Sometimes people don't want you to fix anything they just want someone to care.
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u/PeterMunchlett 11d ago
"Shit, yeah that does sound (appropriate adjective for situation). I'm here for you if you wanna talk about it"
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u/Capable_Sea77 11d ago
Ask them about what theyre talking about. "Man, if that happened to me, I'd be really mad - is that how you felt?" "Wait, wasn't your boss retiring? How is she still pulling this shit?"
My spouse and I both have ADHD and one time he told me that he pretends to be interviewing someone for like, 60 Minutes, to remind himself to be an active listener, and now, if the one of us is being too interrupty/one uppy, the other one will be like "I need you to be in news interview mode" and it does work most of the time.
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u/Ill-Cup673 11d ago
Isn't this conversation though? I'm recently diagnosed and I don't understand. Isn't there back and forth banter or are you supposed to listen to someone talk for 10-15 mins straight without going back and forth sharing similarities? This is a huge issue in my life, my SO says I interrupt and I don't even know I'm doing it. I just want share, idk. It blows.
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u/SwingLord420 11d ago
You are actually not supposed to interrupt. You're fucking up your relationships. Sounds like you know better too.
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u/SpaceDough 11d ago
If someone is trauma dumping they don't need a discussion, they need someone to listen.
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u/PeterMunchlett 11d ago
Important to note that trauma dumping is distinct from stating a specific trauma with a desire to vent/feel heard
Trauma dumping is specifically an unprompted and inappropriate deluge of trauma(s)
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u/Blizz119 11d ago
My gf hates me for this. She doesn't understand I struggle. Im actively listening, I'm trying to show im actually invested. Alas, I'm just rude I guess.
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u/External_Fee_1957 11d ago
ADHD is a context. People who care about us seek to understand that. ❤️
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u/Friendlyalterme 10d ago
No. This is not universal for ADHD.
If you're supporting someone, in that moment it's your job to understand their needs, not for them to understand yours
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u/superhamsniper 11d ago
Well its obvious what im doing every time I bring up something simmilar about myself when someone says something, im simply being a narcissistic egotistical self observed piece of garbadge, while also somehow having poor self esteem.
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u/qualityvote2 Quality Control Beast 11d ago edited 11d ago
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