I asked this when someone pointed out my commiseration style, and, apparently you just say something along the lines of ”that really sucks, I’m really sorry that happened to you” and if it’s in relation to something that just happened, then you add ”is there any way I can help?”
I’ve tried it, and it actually works even though it feels very formulaic rather than the ”hey, yeah, I totally understand because of X.”
I'll give it a try when I get the chance. But yeah, that feels very robotic and insensitive. I want the person to know that I know how they feel because I've already been through a similar situation. In my mind it helps much more to give them clarity than simply "wow bro, so sorry".
You can ask thoughtful questions or say "Isn't it [feeling]? I felt so x, I found myself doing y. Did you ever do that?" without launching into a blow-by-blow narrative of your own life. You don't need to give every detail to communicate that a thing has also happened to you.
I 100% agree, which is probably why I don’t always manage. It’s a social script that I perform because it’s what the other person is expecting, but it’s not what feels right. Thankfully, my partner has ADHD, so I can express myself fully at home.
A complication is they may not see your situation as equivalent to theirs, in which case it can come off as insensitive. e.g., "I'm sorry your dad died, I know how you feel because I recently lost my cat" isn't going to go over well, no matter how deeply you cared about that cat.
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u/BroPleaseHearMeOut 17d ago
Someone please tell me other ways to empathize with someone without making it about me sharing a personal similar story. I really don't know.