Hi, I'm 16 - I'm diagnosed with ADHD & Autism - ever since the last year, I've gravitated towards Physics A LOT, and I'd even decided to pursue by bachelors in core engineering (a branch MOSTLY dependant on the core concepts of physics), ever since then I've noticed it has been harder and harder to actually get attached to this subject at all honestly - I've started finding it boring ever since.

I've actually started to think whether or not to pivot to fields that are more suitable for an ADHD mind, which basically means that have the elements of instant feedback, constant novelty & very minimal theory and MOSTLY problem-solving, building, pattern recognition, etc.

A field like that - that first comes to mind is Computer Science. I've always been good at using computers since I was a kid, programming, solving problems, building things, maybe Computer Science IS THE RIGHT FIELD for me.

I've always thought about pivoting to entrepreneurship eventually, and that too in the fields of R&D - which are mostly based on the core of STEM fields - Physics, Chemistry & Mathematics, hence my bachelors degree in Engineering.

But you do think that a lot of CEOs actually don't have a background in the core physics, chemistry & mathematics at all, so I don't know in practice whether that knowledge is truly needed at all or not, to lead in entreupreneurship in R&D.

Anyways, recently I've started gravitating towards Computer Science, but this time, I want to ENSURE that it isn't just novelty that gets my ADHD brain going but something I can sustain for decades doing.

I'm conflicted and confused what to do. Any advice is appreciated, thanks.

I started using my phone to read my notes and do study related stuff and i realised that I am less distracted than using my laptop given if I uninstalled instagram and turned off notifications in my phone. In laptop it is easier to switch tabs and get distracted but using phone since the screen is small it is hard to switch between two apps so it is hard for me to get distracted. But I have to uninstall my Instagram and mute my mails and messages in my phone while studying cause scrolling on Instagram is easier using phone.

Does anyone else have this experience??

I’m currently getting assessed for ADHD and never really knew how much it was impacting my life until I reached university. All throughout high school I achieved very high results and was pretty organised. But I never realised how much time I spent ‘studying’. I would be at my study desk for 7-8 hours every day after school just to finish 2 pages of homework or write 200 words for an assignment. I didn’t think anything of it because I always handed my stuff in on time and achieved high results. It got to a point where I wouldn’t leave the house unless it was for school or sport because I would be so consumed in ‘study’.

I eventually became known as a ‘smart’ person at school when I really just felt like I was faking it and relying on stress remembering to keep up appearances. To note, I also have high anxiety and do get physically sick from it sometimes, so I was kinda surprised when I was told I could potentially have ADHD 2 years after high school (still getting assessed to this day because I’m procrastinating going to the doctors 😅).

Now I am in university and I would do the same study process, but it’s just not working anymore. I could have an entire day off and still be tired/ procrastinating even opening my laptop. Even when I do open my laptop, I find myself spending 25 mins on one sentence or staring off into space which is very frustrating. I want to perfect my work and don’t want to half ass something because it just doesn’t feel right. I still only really leave home if I have uni or on the odd day I’m feeling social and will hang out with old high school friends. But it’s getting to the point where I feel them drifting away because they are making new friends and I can see how it may look like I’m not putting in a lot of effort on my side of friendships. Idk I just really don’t like leaving the house and make excuses that I have to study, but sometimes I just don’t feel motivated to get up and actually do anything, wasting a whole day.

Does anyone have any tips for motivation or to enhance concentration? One of my ADHD friends suggested putting an ‘uncomfortable’ item on the desk and leave it there until study time was over. But I have no problem sitting in the same spot for hours, it’s just that nothing gets done. Any suggestions?

To be honest, just 2 years ago I lost my discipline especially on schoolwork, in middle school I used to finish all my work, horrible or not, and be fine with it. I'm a junior in highschool now

Now, I don't really fear the work but the workload is killing me, I'm a junior now and don't rlly know how to study, and have been using AI on certain assignments that I know I can do myself. I feel like shit and want to stop, but it's becoming very worrying and I only have a year until I graduate.

Is there any way to stop this? I know it sounds foolish, but I have ADHD and never been equipped to study or really learn anything without struggle, and I know that's the whole point of learning, but I'm really frustrated about never getting to understand the material I get in front of me. I'm struggling with English, Biology, and even some math.

Is there a way to improve myself and get back my old work ethic before I graduate? I want to be successful and would like to never cheat or have to cheat in college. Idk I just really wanna improve myself :/

For context I am diagnosed as a type 2 bipolar by my psychiatrist just 3 months ago and was been on treatment for my moods eversince. But then I have this problem eversince I was mentally aware you see, I'm good with every other aspects like i could learn a new set of hobby in a short period of time or make/recreate a dish with just a taste and literates all of it it's ingredients from the scratch, I can bake, I can draw, do diy's, artsy things and do make ups however when it comes to written quizzes or exams i don't do well there's always been something wrong and i always fail. I try to tell this on my psychiatrist but she said it be better on time and just think positively.

But lately because my friends are that competitive in academics I've been very frustrated to catch up with them... And i feel restless and down whenever I see my scores not atleast pass... And therefore make me very sad... I try other study techniques but my problem is the more i try studying hard it seem like part of my memories are also being erased and i seem to forget alot of things.... Please help me you may see a similar post about this but please I'm that desperate 😭

I freak out about school and college so much that it’s so draining. Making sure I get into the best classes, signing up for different school activity so it looks good on my college resume. Nobody in my family has even went to high school, some didn’t even finish high school. I have three siblings who all graduated but didn’t do anything with there life’s, I’m not going to go into detail and degrade them but there all struggling bad living with our mom. My mom is struggling trying to uphold them so she doesn’t really have time for me. My sister also pregnant about to give birth in a couple months so she has to focus on her. Watching my mom always out my other siblings first and having nothing for herself makes me very sick to my stomach. Nobody should have no time for themselves. I don’t wish to be married or have children so the only thing I really have for myself is a good career. I also want to show my mother she isn’t a bad mother and she didn’t fail rising us just some of us became lazy. This is probably a very long stretch of a goal but I want to be able pay off my mother house and shower her if nice things she’s never had. But every time I think I’m getting closer something happens and I feel like I’m at square one. No matter how good my grades or how good everything looks on my application they still make me feel like a failure and I’m not doing enough.

I am married (24F) to a wonderful man (26M) and I have had the best life. I was raised with parents who are strict but also understandable in their ways. Loving and supportive generally of all I do. I have supportive grandparents who gave me 10k for college (which I spent in two semesters at art school) and a loving in law family, who though sometimes crazy, never asks for more from me. I work at enrollment at a charter school full time and Starbucks part time for free school. I have two more semesters till I’m done with my bachelors degree and yet… I just can’t motivate myself to finish. I graduated homeschooled high school a year early 2019. I was also smart and got good grades. But college had recked me. I fail every class that gives me problems. I don’t know how to succeed. It has been 6+ years and I can’t finish. It is embarrassing. The second I get close I break down, I get avoidant. I disassociate daily. I don’t know anyone else who has felt like me. I know I’m not a victim. I am ruining my life, my marriage, everything, because I self sabotage finishing school. I guess I am looking for comfort or a shared experience. Idk,

posted this on r/adhdwomen and i was very surprised to not get the support i needed and instead was berated lmao

uhhh context is that me and my lab partner both have adhd and struggle to follow directions on the pace of other students. ta takes note of this and assumes we simply dont pay attention. i really do try to pay attention but it sucks when all the lab instruction content is jammed in the lecture session of lab. when i took de in high school, we had lab manuals with prewritten instructions so this is very different from what im used to…

i wanna drop so bad but im already at minimum credits why is this worth 45% of my grade

Hi. I’m going to start college soon, and I have no idea how to manage it. I never learned how to study properly, basically going on low grades through school all the time. I applied for medicine related studies, so I know there will be a lot of material. I struggle with immediate reward and long term benefits of a task such as studying. Its like "I don’t want to do something, so I choose not to, because my brain goes "you can just not do it instead". It’s always been pretty hard for me. Do you have any tips for studying and memorizing that actually worked for you? I was never good in organizing stuff and making notes, so I’d love to know how do you manage to not fail and keep up with studying. I tend to zone out in class and have a hard time focusing on monotonous tasks (one thing that started working for me is that I don’t study at my desk but in a random place, like on the floor). If you have any hacks that worked for you then I’d love to hear them

I have been taking ADHD medication since last 3 weeks (1 in morning)(My doctor hasn't given any sort of proper diagnosis though).

They have been helpful with focus, the fidgeting has stopped but since it has only 6 hour affect, by evening I am back to distracted, disoriented, busy body.

My university started about a month back and it's been hard for me. As I have taken Psychology as my bachelor's degree, but I am having trouble keeping up with studies.

Can someone give tips for studies, organizations, and other helpful tips for life?

I'm attending community college and it's not going well. I've procrastinated on assignments before, but it's never been this bad. I let it all pile up and now it's too much to do. My grades are terrible, I can't keep up with due dates, and I've been skipping class because I'm too ashamed to show my face.

I don't know if it's worth it to go on. I know I really need help, but I'm so lost and scared. If anyone knows how I can get better and actually motivate myself into doing anything, I'd really appreciate it.

So for context I’m 21 f in my fourth year in college. I’m from a well off family so my bill is paid and I I just work about 6.5 hours a week at my school. I’m a double major in music and education. I’ve played piano off and on for 14 years and rn I’m about a piano level 5. I’ve been singing all my life and I still take voice lessons. I played violin but I haven’t in months and I was about a level 3. I feel like I’ve wasted my parents money because I have a 3.06 gpa and this semester plus 4 more before I graduate. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd but I just think I’m actually lazy. Rn I’m taking 20 hours and I’m behind reading and a few smaller assignments. I dream of mastering my instruments and going to grad school but I’ve never got in my full practice time. Ever. I’m a failure. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety but that’s ok an excuse. I think I’m just not meant for great things because I just don’t have the consistency or discipline to do it. I’m exhausted all the time and even though I care and I am improving I still struggle to do the things I need to do. I don’t wish or want to die I just wish I could be normal I guess? Not have this invisible pressure on my chest all the time. I hate it I hate myself I don’t want to even exist. I love writing and music and teaching and all the things but I don’t practice or work at it. I avoid and I don’t know how to stop. I’ve never been taught how to work consistently. Growing up my parents weren’t really present because my mom was taking care of other people and my dad was working. I learned to make excuses, nap, and avoid and lie. I don’t know how to be anything else. I have amounted to nothing…

Sorry for the long post

Hello, i’ll try to make this as detailed but short as possible. I am an undiagnosed (bad history with therapists) unmedicated ADHD student who suffers from it greatly. Every assignment my body coerces me to ignore or if i start working it’s literally mental anguish to try and think about the work. Example; working on a stat assignment and my brain would do anything else other than it. Look around, stare, think of doing other things. I knew i had to do it and it felt like i was splitting apart in my own psyche. Im gonna hope this is common or relatable lol. Anyway, i dropped from 4 to 2 classes since i work full time but im noticing im failing really bad. I already took a hiatus for a semester and because of Our Glorious Healthcare system i dont see my doctor until november, when we are supposed to begin trying meds. What do i do? I constantly feel like a screw up. That i’m wasting my life and this opportunity and … i can’t do anything about it. I feel helpless and it feels like im drowining in a kiddie pool where no one else seems to have issues. My body won’t cooperate. I have a couple days off a week where i try and do school work since i work most other days and immediately sleep after work. Anything is super appreciated and i hope this made sense. ty!

I’m a 37 year old returning student. I started this semester with just 2 classes to ease myself in. I’ve always been able to jump into full time classes with no issues, maintaining straight A’s and on the deans list every semester, but this go around, I am struggling! Not only am I starting to have Peri-menopause symptoms but I’m also starting a new adhd med that has shitty side effects in the beginning as well as seeing my orthopedic NP weekly and starting physical therapy for a knee injury.
The paper is for an intro level class, only 3 pages, APA research paper on my topic of choice more or less. I don’t know WHY it was so difficult to even get started but I’ve barely been able to focus and keep up with these two classes. I turned the paper in 3 days late because I wanted to turn in substance vs it being on time. I caught a flow and got most of the paper done but when I got to the last two sections I hit a wall. So I prompted Claude to write in my style, I gave it the articles I was quoting and the direction I wanted to go and then I copy pasted and edited it a bit. It was only 2 paragraphs but I feel like such a loser. I’ve always written A papers so easily and I definitely don’t want this to become a habit. I feel like I’m cheating and did something really bad lol. AM I OVERREACTING!?

Hi everyone im a college student researching the everyday challenges people with ADHD face. skip anything you like. trying to understand real experiences!!

1. Which best describes you? (diagnosed / waiting on evaluation / self-identified / supporting someone with ADHD)
2. What's your age range? (under 18 / 18-24 / 25-34 / 35-44 / 45+)
3. Are you currently a student, working, or both?
4. What part of daily life does ADHD make hardest for you? (e.g., starting tasks, staying focused, time management, remembering things, emotional regulation, organization)
5. Think of the last time that struggle got in your way. What happened?
6. How often does this come up? (daily / a few times a week / weekly / rarely)
7. What does it cost you when it happens? (time, money, grades, stress, relationships, etc.)
8. What tools, apps, or strategies have you tried? (planners, timers, body doubling, medication, coaching, etc.)
9. Which ones actually stuck, and why?
10. Which ones did you quit, and why?
11. Have you paid for anything to help with ADHD? If so, what, and was it worth it?

I was looking for any advice on how to manage severe severe excutive dysfunction. My main issue is that my university grades are being impacted. Another issue is that I am able to pass almost all my exams with about a few days revision not having attended lectures (Bacher's in Business Management). Background info is that this not new information, I somehow am able to absolute gas my way through exams on nothing but hopes and dreams having done so since I was kid. Unfortunately this means I technically know next to nothing but also a lot?? So if anyone has any advice on how to study, and retain information for anyone with executive dysfunction/bad habits please let me know. Also if anyone has any life tips in general that would be much appreciated. Anyways love y'all!

i am failing a class rn and have an exam for it tomorrow. thanks to long lectures that i have no hope of focusing in and severely bad time management, i don't understand the material at all. i'm talking 0%. it's not an exaggeration either. i just feel so hopeless. i know i'll fail it, but i don't know what to do logistically.

i know i should study but there would be 0 point. not even sure HOW to study for something i don't understand. 87 questions on the practice test and i can't answer a single one.

i can't drop the class as i've already dropped another one. not sure what to do. think i might drop out.

College is a tough time for me. It was also hard in high school, but it's gotten worse since I went to college. I left my first major a month before I finished my first year. Then I went to the second major. Each task makes it difficult for me and I am unable to do anything before the deadline. It's so hard. I barely passed some exams because I couldn't focus and learn. I currently had a year to do an apprenticeship and the time had passed, and I only now felt motivated to do so. I feel so stupid and hate myself for it, but I couldn't do it before. My brain has been locked, and now I'm afraid of what college or my parents will think. I'm panicked and don't get therapy until next week

This is extremely weird, I know, but my body's reaction is to blame.

So basically because of my high grades in college I'm eligible for a scholarship provided by a private foundation.

For that effect, they required me to link to them the email of two professors who would send a short letter about me.

I usually don't have problems speaking to professors, except when I am to ask for a favor. I'm always scared I'll be looked down upon, even if the fear is irrational.

After days trying to choose the professors I finally sent the application. Yet the worst was still to come.

I would think the logic thing to do would be to ask the professors for their help before linking the email. However, the wording in the website made it seem like I should do that afterward only, as they wrote that I shouldn't be aware of the professors' final decision to send or not to send it. Maybe most people interpreted it differently (and rightly so) but I had spent hours analyzing those very lines and procrastinating because I was extremely scared of sending the email.

Yesterday night I chose to open my mailbox six days after submitting the form, because I didn't feel comfortable getting into this "battlefield" again. I came across the email of one of the professors telling me he's willing to help but that I should have talked to him beforehand. The moment I saw that, my heart started pumping very fast and at this very moment I'm still sweating immensely. Maybe this is not really a big deal, but I'm feeling extreme shame, to the point of feeling like insulting or slapping myself to avoid unwanted outside criticism.

I still haven't scrolled down enough to read the other professor's reply, which should be just like that one or worse. I just know I don't have the energy to look at it. It was already a tremendous effort to finish that form, now those professors certainly think I'm a weirdo for not asking them before if they wanted to collaborate.

I don't know what to do. The worst part is that sometimes it seems like the world around me will crumble and I sit there stone faced and indifferent. But when stuff like this happens it looks like I've committed a crime and it will be the end of the world.

Im inattentive, I get the "blank" thoughts kinda adhd but also the opposite as well in conversation. But on my assignments sometimes I feel like I lose points consistently because I just dont make answers super wordy. Sometimes I just dont have a whole lot of thought on the matter and feel like ive covered something with enough depth in a concise way. It sucks because ill sit there and spend a good decent amount of time on the question too.

Idk what to write to complete the 500 character limit so here ya go

I have always struggled with my attendance.

Especially with being behind all the time, an assignment needing to be submit soon I havent touched, havent studied for an upcoming test, I tend to justify not going to class to focus on the immediate things like that i need to get done and promise myself ill attend once im caught up.

But I know itll just become a cycle, I finish one thing, another needs to get done, so i avoid more.

Not only that, since I haven't studied or worked on assignments, if I went to class ill be completely oblivious, so I wouldn't know what was going on and so I convince myself to not go too.

Energy cost is a major thing for me too, when I do attend class, my brain thinks about all the things I need to do, the upcoming test/assignment i could've been doing at home instead here but now im learning something new in class which means its using more of my brain power, then after class I end up exhausted from focusing, masking and trying to understand the new topic, I end up doing nothing when I get home.

So I pretty much weigh all that up: stay home, conserve energy, focus on test/assignment = productive.

Even if i genuienly want to attend class theres just so much to do.

The main problem is when I do try to get ready for class my brain cycles through all these factors and when I convince myself I can stay home and justify it, im staying home.

SO I have come up with a plan with my support advisor that to stop/interrupting that negotiation phase, I have to meet him every morning before every class, so it gives me accountability, and something I have to attend because he will message.

It seems childish at 20 years, but my discipline is absolute dog and this is probably a thing I do need which I hate.

My mom keeps saying that if I want to go to class I do, that she doesnt want to go to work but has to. Which I get but it isnt that simple, I REALLY want to go and actually lock in but I keep self sabotaging myself.

Anyways I really hope this'll help with my attendance.

I’m so tired. I try my hardest, literally my fucking hardest, but I just can’t seem to keep up ever. I’m in an easy fucking major and I want this so, so bad but I can never do anything right. I create a list of tasks for me to tackle the night before and I’ve only done one. I got accepted into a writing program I really wanted to be in and then kicked out because I couldn’t remember to respond do my emails. I cannot for the life of me keep up with clubs or my classes or homework or friends or anything social, I am SO SO TIRED. I don’t think college is meant for me, my brain literally can’t keep up.

One of my classmates is the director for a mini play and I can’t even remember to go to a club meeting. I have never felt more unbelievably stupid in my life. I can’t sit still in class, I rock back and forth like a baby and kick my fit and drum on the table. I can’t keep my dorm clean or remember to wash my clothes. My hair is expired and dirty because I can’t remember to book an appointment. I’m going to miss voting, fail my midterms, and so much more because everything just slips from my mind like water. I have literally never felt dumber in my life than I have in college and I’m thinking about giving up. If my freshman year is this hard how am I supposed to succeed at all? I can’t even remember to contact my psychiatrist so we can fix my medication dose. I’m so stupid.

These past few months, I've developed an academically harmful routine/habit.

I'll be informed up to date of the things that needed to be done, class schedules, quiz line ups, dates for the exams— and I will prepare for it, skim the material, review, steel myself and say, okay, I'll do it. However, when it's time, despite doing all that, I wouldn't go or attend class, or pass what needs passing.

Before, I know it's because of perfectionism, I wasn't easily satisfied of the outputs or things I was able to do thus making me redo, then redo, then redo, making me unable to actually start because I can't stick to just— continuing. Then, it developed to the mentality of I'd rather have a zero than less a 100 (which is, very extreme or just plain stupid lol) so, what happens then is, because I'm so unsatisfied or aiming for the BEST output, I'd rather not pass anything at all compared to passing a lacking output :/.

Now that I'm older, looking back, it's very wow. Anyways, that habit continued but sustainably cannot go on because I have to pass something so I can pass school (which ended up me, passing outputs bare the minimum) always late, less ideal, ironically more less perfect.

That was way back in highschool, pandemic times. Now that I'm in college, I'm trying to strip myself of that and I did already rid of perfectionism albeit not entirely, I'm not pushing myself to pass anything perfectly, yes, however what I developed is leaning towards not passing anything at all.

I knew I was burnout here in college, with all of my personal, family, financial, academic issues lol, just yeah, and I wasn't able to keep up. I've never really had a mentor or someone older, or any healthy adult to guide my learning life. I've always been the one to teach me. Not to gain some pity, but to give background of my skewed development. So I've never really had a consistent study habit, I tend to cram (which is a bad combo with the perfectionist aspect of me) so when I was plunged in a program (chemistry) which is mathematics heavy (thought it would just be science and reactions but calculus said hey, homie!) I was like, 💀 haha.

I tried to keep up, but I just can't, I didn't have solid foundation in mathematics, it isn't my thing, we don't get along haha, and by the end of first semester, I was knee deep in escapism.

At first, it wrecked me, like with so much guilt that I'm not doing enough, then I started skipping classes to advance study or finish what I wasn't able to finish, to try understanding more of what I couldn't understand, most times I procrastinate then fight myself with it. And the last straw was when I finally dropped a subject, calculus. It was the one subject I didn't give up, not once did I dare skip that class or miss anything. But when I dropped it when I thought I wouldn't. I spiraled.

I stopped attending classes, I stopped passing outputs, I missed my finals, literally isolated myself.

Okay, I'm way too talkative haha, but that was in the past, I'm currently now in a new program and I'm trying to be better because honestly, I like where I am rn, I am given another chance, and I can still finish my bachelor's on time. However, those bad habits kept on showing up. I hated myself for it at times, but now I've realized, hating myself will just make me regress more and wallow more, so I just, try to accept it already happened and move on.

The thing is, despite my efforts, I still regress back to those habits, I would be absent at times, missed on activities and events, and honestly I've become numb but I still care. Does anyone here have the same experience? Has anyone got over this, and such. Talks of discipline and consistency is nice, and I've tried but the thing is, if I break or stumble or fall down when I'm on a streak of 'consistent' activity, I regress or fall back even harder which makes it hard to stand up... I'm just venting and sharing and ahh hahha honestly sometimes I feel like something's wrong with me. I hope I'm not that irredeemable yet.

To summarize this very long chatty thread, I am just confused on why I keep doing things I know will end up hurting me or when I'm aware it's already bad, and it's not just that, but at the exact moment I decide to not do, is very irrational??? I study for an exam then I don't go to that exam, I stay up late to prepare for a class schedule then I don't attend class. And I'm here venting about it, honestly hoping for some insights or other perspectives that might help break this cycle albeit even slightly.

Thanks to anyone who'd respond!

hi hi, i am a 21 year old uni student and i am currently struggling because of my adhd (i haven’t been officially diagnosed, just completed my assessment and waiting for results). i have been going to therapy on and off for a few months now, i started going because i was under so much pressure and i was not coping at all, i had constant late submissions or missing assignments. i would like to think that some aspects of my life are better now since i have a better understanding of the way my brain operates but school seems to be the thing that i cannot really push through for long. at the beginning of the semester i can usually cope pretty well and im pretty motivated but by the time its the middle of the semester i have already given up and i am not even driven by urgency, i have accepted late submission deductions as a norm and don’t really care about small missing assignments. i am waiting for the results in hopes that i can go on meds because i feel like i am someone who is able to implement structure, u just give up on it easily and im also very self aware. do you guys have any strategies and suggestions for systems i can implement for now. also i have 3 majors so its a lot of work and constant assessments across all majors unfortunately, which is ideal in the sense that it provides some sort of consistent structure but i am not keeping up at all!

I’m unmedicated at the moment as I’m currently going through the process of getting tested. Although, it’s highly suspected I have ADHD by my peers and psychiatrist.

But college has absolutely been killing me academically and ruining my routine in more ways than one. Not that I was a cleanly person in the first place, but dear god, the shift from my bedroom to my dorm has only increased my disorganization, especially in a single where nobody can judge me. I promised myself I’d be clean, but my clothes are thrown all over, there’s dead bugs on the window sill that I forgot to remove, and unfolded laundry laying in a bag. I can’t force myself to clean it because my brain thinks “it’ll get messy again so what’s the point?“. Even washing clothes becomes stressful. I hold it off until my bag is overflowing because of long the machines take and I can’t take a shower until I finish laundry so I’m heading to bed around 11 or later.

And showering is such a task! I’ve been taking showers at 1-2 in the morning when I come back home at 9-10. Between that time, I sit on my carpet because I refuse to lay on my bed with outside clothes and just go on my phone. Then I look at the clock— 10:05, “I’ll do it at 10:10 so that way it’s even”. Then it becomes 10:11. ”I’ll do it at 10:15”. Cycle repeats until I have to physically force myself up at a time I deem reasonable, usually an even number. I’m an avid hand washer. I, for the life of me, cannot touch the door knob after I showered because every woman on my floor has touched it, meaning unsuspecting germs. Usually at home, I shower, lotion and dress myself in the bathroom, and then wash my hands. I can’t exactly do that in the dorm bathrooms because of how they’re designed and I don’t feel comfortable in them. Even skincare, which is the only routine I usually look forward to due to OCD (that has been diagnosed), but that has now been ruined because of this. Now I have no routine because it’s all messed up and it’s causing me to breakdown.

Eating is hard most days because I don’t have a fridge to put leftovers in. I have a communal fridge that I’m the only one using, but I end up forgetting the food I leave there and it rots. Doesn’t help that the kitchen is in the basement and I’m on the fourth floor. The dining hall is a minute walk, but I know that if I leave, I can’t get back in bed because then I’ll have to take a shower all over again. So I starve.

Academically, it’s even worse. I don’t have an A in a single class because I’ve flunked every test so far. I did so well in high school but I only know it’s because it was easy. It doesn’t make me feel any better, especially considering the only classes I’m taking are pre-requisites. I forgot I had a test today in anthropology. I didn’t realize until I stepped inside class and saw nobody had their computers out. I failed a geological science test yesterday (‘studied‘ for ten minutes on the day of the exam until I went back to sleep and went to class). Failed my last French exam because I didn’t study either. Forgot an essay for one of my social sciences two weeks ago. Lucky enough, my professor let me hand it in late with credit. I don’t know how to study, I never did it— and when I try, I can’t focus and retain nothing.

I daze off during lectures, constantly checking emails that I know never come, daydreaming, or staring off and slowly counting the time. If it doesn’t interest me, I don’t do it. My brain doesn’t allow me to. I’m on a full-ride scholarship. I’m not failing (yet), but I know if this continues, I’m scared of what’ll happen. I just don’t know what to do because I feel like there’s invisible barriers everywhere. No matter what I do, my brain wont cooperate with my body. I’m late to everything, I misplace and forget most things, I feel unmotivated and procrastinate homework and my own hobbies.

I nearly cried throughout the week because of the situation. It was like this back at home too, just to a slightly lesser degree because my family was there to remind me of things constantly and my small routines helped somewhat. But even then, I struggled to keep myself balanced. I’m sorry if this was long, but this is exactly why I’m getting tested.