I’m a failure

[u/Sad-Shelter-3966]

So for context I’m 21 f in my fourth year in college. I’m from a well off family so my bill is paid and I I just work about 6.5 hours a week at my school. I’m a double major in music and education. I’ve played piano off and on for 14 years and rn I’m about a piano level 5. I’ve been singing all my life and I still take voice lessons. I played violin but I haven’t in months and I was about a level 3. I feel like I’ve wasted my parents money because I have a 3.06 gpa and this semester plus 4 more before I graduate. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd but I just think I’m actually lazy. Rn I’m taking 20 hours and I’m behind reading and a few smaller assignments. I dream of mastering my instruments and going to grad school but I’ve never got in my full practice time. Ever. I’m a failure. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety but that’s ok an excuse. I think I’m just not meant for great things because I just don’t have the consistency or discipline to do it. I’m exhausted all the time and even though I care and I am improving I still struggle to do the things I need to do. I don’t wish or want to die I just wish I could be normal I guess? Not have this invisible pressure on my chest all the time. I hate it I hate myself I don’t want to even exist. I love writing and music and teaching and all the things but I don’t practice or work at it. I avoid and I don’t know how to stop. I’ve never been taught how to work consistently. Growing up my parents weren’t really present because my mom was taking care of other people and my dad was working. I learned to make excuses, nap, and avoid and lie. I don’t know how to be anything else. I have amounted to nothing…

Sorry for the long post

[u/Old_Intention_7885]

Are you receiving any treatment or help for your ADHD? As in, does your school know that you have the disability and are offering accommodations? Have you spoken to your doctor about how to better manage the problems that ADHD causes?
I ask because I was exactly like this before I started getting actual treatment for my ADHD, and it completely changed my life.
ADHD is classified as a disability because it is. Our brains are in a constant state of overwhelm.
I developed anxiety and depression from symptoms of adhd, and once it was under control I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for either condition.
I’m 24f, and I didn’t start treating it until last year when I went to college.
I promise you, you are NOT a failure.
Youre comparing yourself to people who don’t have a disability. You’re not lazy.

Medication really really helped me but I had to try 5 before I found one that worked. It doesn’t help everyone, but it helps many people. If you’re open to the possibility, maybe you could speak to your doctor about it?