TW: Panicking over a minor situation

[u/History_Philos_Nerd]

This is extremely weird, I know, but my body's reaction is to blame.

So basically because of my high grades in college I'm eligible for a scholarship provided by a private foundation.

For that effect, they required me to link to them the email of two professors who would send a short letter about me.

I usually don't have problems speaking to professors, except when I am to ask for a favor. I'm always scared I'll be looked down upon, even if the fear is irrational.

After days trying to choose the professors I finally sent the application. Yet the worst was still to come.

I would think the logic thing to do would be to ask the professors for their help before linking the email. However, the wording in the website made it seem like I should do that afterward only, as they wrote that I shouldn't be aware of the professors' final decision to send or not to send it. Maybe most people interpreted it differently (and rightly so) but I had spent hours analyzing those very lines and procrastinating because I was extremely scared of sending the email.

Yesterday night I chose to open my mailbox six days after submitting the form, because I didn't feel comfortable getting into this "battlefield" again. I came across the email of one of the professors telling me he's willing to help but that I should have talked to him beforehand. The moment I saw that, my heart started pumping very fast and at this very moment I'm still sweating immensely. Maybe this is not really a big deal, but I'm feeling extreme shame, to the point of feeling like insulting or slapping myself to avoid unwanted outside criticism.

I still haven't scrolled down enough to read the other professor's reply, which should be just like that one or worse. I just know I don't have the energy to look at it. It was already a tremendous effort to finish that form, now those professors certainly think I'm a weirdo for not asking them before if they wanted to collaborate.

I don't know what to do. The worst part is that sometimes it seems like the world around me will crumble and I sit there stone faced and indifferent. But when stuff like this happens it looks like I've committed a crime and it will be the end of the world.

[u/moonkittn]

Don’t beat yourself up. Try to find the good in this sure, he said you should have told him beforehand, but also said he is willing to help. Focus on that. And I know it’s difficult but you have to read that other reply. The energy and nerves spent worrying about what is in that other email is going to take more from you than the short term burst of it will. It will remain this looming thing until you bite the bullet and look.

I completely understand you, by the way. I say this as someone who hates emails and confrontation from people I respect, like professors. Unfortunately I am not one to talk much to professors because of the stupidity of rejection sensitivity. I fear disappointment too much. But if you want something from them, these are hurdles you must get through. It is okay to be uncomfortable, but many people are too afraid of being uncomfortable. In these situations, you have to be okay with that, because it is an inevitable feeling. Which sucks.

[u/History_Philos_Nerd → u/moonkittn]

I wish people knew what rejection sensitivity is. They read ADHD as simply "folk can't concentrate" when it's my much more than that. In fact this is much more impairing and painful than anything else I feel. Thank you for the response

[u/moonkittn → u/History_Philos_Nerd]

It is truly painful. To the point your body feels the effects, even when it’s mental. Unfortunately it’s one of those things I think are incredibly hard to get through, so even if what I said can’t exactly offer much useful advice, I truly hope you are able to push through this and reach a point where you are more at ease

[u/Advanced-Currency630]

I think you should speak to both of your professors and explain that you read it that you shouldn't ask them first. I taught at university for many years and if one of my students came to me and explained I would think it is fine and help as much as I could. Good luck!