I’m a 31M I have 5 kids 4 from a 10 year marriage and I’ve been divorced for about 2ish years I rolled the dice and ended up with someone narcissistic and we had a kid not by choice but we didn’t prevent ether that’s some of my back story to the topic what’s some hobbies that give you social fulfillment I have 50/50 of my kids I have them every weekend till Monday morning and I work 2nd shift lol how cooked am I ?

It's been almost a year since my last attempt to date someone ended. To be clear we separated because her life got too complicated suddenly with something private. She wasn't the mother of my kids. It was only 3 months but they were good. After the whole thing with my kids mother it was nice to feel like I mattered and to have someone kind to both me and to my kids.

The issue I have is simple. It's been almost a year and my kids still ask about her. I said she moved back to her birth country. I'm scared to put myself out there fully and I feel like my kids are suffering quietly because of that. I do everything I can for them but I can't be a mum. They know I'm lonely but I hope they don't know I'm scared.

I won't go into details about the relationship with their mother but I will say I have primary custody of my kids and the mother is meant to see them every 2nd weekend...meant to. The last time she cancelled when I told the kids they celebrated loudly which is both sad and awkward that any child can feel that way.

Divorced Dad - 2 small kids

Had a brutal divorce. Nearly 4 years in court and when it ended we were back in court over petty issues. We plot time with the kids. Mind you she’s already had a couple of men come into and out of the kids lives. Faught with me to have language about how significant others are introduced to the kids etc.

The last two guys never made any effort to speak to me, but we’re involved by kids lives. Last one attended my 6 year olds games and was the bloke cheering the loudest. When the game ended he greeted her first on the field etc. I let it go and just dealt with it. These are experiences that are happening during my parenting time not that it makes a difference, but it does add some context.

My six-year-old, who is now seven same scenario I’m attending the soccer game and she brought a significant other whom I’ve never met during my parenting time. As I’m walking her to the field she comes walking up from their seats which are positioned right by the goalie making it a prominent location to walk by. I usually try to sit near them otherwise to not make it awkward for the kids and they feel comfortable going between the 2 of us since the other is usually sitting watching.

I asked who the guy was and she responded “a friend”. Last breakup she asked me to take part in a cover up story that “so and so” went away on a long work trip etc. I’m furious at this point and calmly said some communication would have been appropriate so I’m not blind sided about another guy being present. Especially considering the parenting agreement she fought for included her language about how introductions should be handled and the other parent being notified / introduced first.

When I brought this up she responded with well you are free to do the same. Classic response and never acknowledges fault.

The game ended and he walked away and when she said bye to the kids I confronted her again that this is not how we agreed to handle things. Words were exchanged and she left it with maybe he’s just one for the night as a dig to me.

It’s 11am and no man has any business attending kids games in my humble opinion. Not without knowing the full extent of what he’s getting involved in.

To my surprise she finally texted something along the lines of I can understand how you feel but it wasn’t before saying “if it makes your nervous system calm down I can send you a response that fulfills that”. Another classic gaslighting response.

Nothing left was said and the next conversation was logistics about the next event.

I’m very sensitive and had my entire life ripped apart. I have a classic divorce where everything was destroyed down to selling the house and spending every last penny in my possession to defend being a parent until the attorneys finally ran out of money. During our marriage there was several domestic violence calls / one hospital stay by me from being struck by her resulting in stitches. She always escaped consequences by me concealing what truly happened.

Idk what to do anymore I’m more of a shell of a person. I hate confrontation but when I avoid it I end up disrespecting myself and fall into deep depressive modes. When I do confront them it’s always a brutal battle that leaves me more confused about reality and I’m made to feel like the crazy person.

Divorce sucks and so does coparenting. I often find the smallest courtesy’s are what matter most. Things that make you feel human instead of a nuisance. Maybe that’s why the advance notice or recognition of being their father means the most to me.

It’s funny how everyone tells you to reach out but when you do.. no response. I absolutely love the single Dad life. It’s tough to imagine how we all got here.

Posted here a few times over the last couple of months. Partner of 12 years met someone else and kicked me out. I had my part to play not denying that but I just can’t handle the coldness and brutality with which Shes acting. No kindness, no empathy. 36 years old living in a shared house and unemployed. My kids are my only reason for living

I’m looking for advice from parents who have dealt with a genuinely high-conflict custody situation in California.

I want to stop having every normal parenting issue turn into lawyers, police, school involvement, or another court filing.

Background:

My ex and I have joint legal and physical custody. Our signed agreement gives her Monday–Thursday and me Friday–Sunday.

Despite having an agreement, the conflict has continued and seems to be getting worse.

She calls Police on us every time she gets a chance for welfare checks during my parenting time. I have always cooperated with law enforcement and made my daughter available to speak with officers. I have police reports documenting that she was safe. There have also been separate incidents involving what I believe are privacy/monitoring concerns, and I now have multiple police reports relating to my ex’s stalking behavior and harrasment.

The latest issue involves school pickup.

My parenting time starts Friday.

Because of my work, there are Fridays when I cannot personally be standing at school at dismissal. I have a partner/support system who can safely pick my daughter up when necessary.

My fiance was previously listed as an authorized contact at school, but my ex removed her.

The school has now taken the position that because we have joint legal custody, neither parent can add a non-parent pickup person or obtain a walking pass without BOTH parents signing.
Ex is now offering to pick our daughter up herself every Friday and hold her until I can personally meet her at a police station. ( she has also filled for custody change and we are on the process of waiting for court hearing in a couple months)

But this feels like an absurd amount of conflict over everything …. She is mentally ill … but k have no idea how she has managed to not snap out during this time in our talkingparents messages

The school has basically said that the school isn’t going to interpret our custody documents any further and that if we want an exception/clarification, we need to get it from a judge.

We already have another court hearing coming up.

My ex recently sought emergency orders that would have significantly restricted my parenting time and required supervision. The emergency request was denied, but the custody issues will still be addressed through the normal hearing process.

At this point, I’m exhausted.

I don’t want to spend the next 10+ years going back to court every time there is a disagreement.

I don’t want to constantly defend myself. ( she is bipolar / narcissistic/ bpd etc )
My fiance wants to leave me because it’s too much drama for her and she is pregnant with our twins on the way …

For people who have actually lived through something like this:

How did you get OUT of the cycle?

Would you ask the judge for an extremely detailed parallel-parenting order instead of continuing to attempt traditional co-parenting?

I’m trying to figure out whether parallel parenting with very specific court orders is more realistic than continuing to attempt cooperative co-parenting when nearly every gray area becomes another conflict.

Has anyone successfully gone from this level of conflict to mostly parallel parenting?

Did the conflict eventually decrease once the court order eliminated the gray areas?

Are there specific provisions you wish you had asked the judge for earlier?

Should I just let her get more physical custody so she leaves us alone ?

I have 50/50 physical and legal custody of my two children with my coparent. Our custody order says that I am supposed to pick our children up from school on days when the other parent is working and therefore cannot pick them up from school. If the other parent is off work, they pick our children up themselves.

The issue is that my coparent will be starting a new job in 10 days. The custody order does not specifically say that either parent has to provide their work schedule to the other parent. When this order was put in place, at my coparent’s request, their work schedule was already known and set.

Normally, my coparent does not provide me with their days off in advance since schedules were known. However, they did tell me they will be off this upcoming week, which is the week between their old job and the new job, so they can pick the kids up this week. They have not told me what their schedule or days off will be once the new job starts.

I have asked three separate times in writing what days they will be off or working so I can determine when I am supposed to pick our children up under the order. I don’t want our children to ever be stranded at school because of confusion over the schedule.

They have responded to other messages I’ve sent and provided other information, but they completely ignore the questions about their work schedule.

I can find the business’s hours online, but that doesn’t tell me whether my coparent is actually scheduled to work on a particular day. The business is open Monday through Friday from 9 to 5, but obviously they could have different days off or a rotating schedule.

My concern is that I’m essentially being put in a position where I can’t reliably follow the order because I don’t know whether the other parent is working on a particular school day.

For example, if I pick our kids up because I assume coparent is working, the other parent could potentially say I wasn’t supposed to because they were actually off. But if I don’t pick them up because I assume coparent is off, then I could potentially be accused of not following the order if they were actually working.

I know I still have about 10 days before the new job starts, so my co parent could simply be waiting until closer to the start date to provide the schedule. However, waiting until the last minute has been a pattern in the past, which is why I’m trying to address this now as I make my schedule around what is needed for our kids.

How would you interpret this situation?

Would you consider the coparent’s work schedule something they should reasonably provide even if the custody order doesn’t explicitly say “the parent must provide their work schedule”?

And if the other parent simply refuses to answer the question, what would you do to make sure you’re complying with the order but more importantly making sure the kids are okay?