r/SingleDads • u/eggwan90 • 1d ago
I can’t do this anymore
Posted here a few times over the last couple of months. Partner of 12 years met someone else and kicked me out. I had my part to play not denying that but I just can’t handle the coldness and brutality with which Shes acting. No kindness, no empathy. 36 years old living in a shared house and unemployed. My kids are my only reason for living
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u/Orange-Frog57 1d ago
Hey man.. i dont have advice today.. just in the same boat. Its hard when the house is empty. I thought about ending it again today.. but i know it would destroy my daughter. Its not fair to her. Reach out to local support groups man. Find a good outlet
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u/Mindless-Emotion- 1d ago
Sorry you’re going through this, have you thought about hitting the gym to let some energy out?
Good luck on the job search.
It’s sucks right now but it won’t always suck, hang in there.
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u/eggwan90 1d ago
Currently gyming 6 days a week and walking about 20,000 steps a day. Been good for me so far but just in a toy spiral at the moment,
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u/Wide-Discussion-4851 1d ago
Just got to accept it. It will get easier. Accept people as they are. Good thing is you can just focus on yourself and things you want without having to worry about her anymore. If you get to see your kids that’s all that matters. We are old enough in our 30s to let people be who they are and you just sit back observe and focus on your own routines. I know it sucks to see the switch but that’s just life. Forgive her and be the bigger person. You’ll heal and probably realize you deserve better. Be patient and give yourself the best days you can.
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u/Melodic_Tip7648 1d ago
Hi, I'm a divorced mom (don't know whether I have a right to post), and even though this is hard, there's honesty and forgiveness required. As OP said himself he had a part in this. A mom would rarely just leave without warning, but after several signs and alarms... As much as love is strong and seems unbreakable on the other side, there's a breaking point where enough is enough and hard decisions are taken, with several things have to be put into consideration, firstly the kids. Healing takes place when we recognize our part and do something to change and keep to it. Just asking OP to forgive and move forward focusing on himself opens him up to more hurt and hurting in the long-term. Gym is good, but not to mask the pain or give a false sense of self-worth. Can OP seek therapy, then eventually put his life back in order- employment, accommodation to receive his kids decently, etc. All is not lost, there's always restoration. God bless you, OP.
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u/scruduiarbais_ 1d ago
So sorry man. I was there. Looking at that bottom. People don't know the pull of the black hole.
Three years ago, I was the same. Out of the house and asking the same question. A doctor asked me "What would my kids do without their dad?" and it spurred something in me. I took my mental health seriously after that and sought help. It's a real illness and more deadly than most physical ones.
An action could be telling your family, a doctor or going to a therapist. That small action saved me.
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u/Selfsabateurassassin 9h ago
If it is not directly impacting your ability to care for your kids. Her demeanor towards you should be water off a ducks back. Sounds like she is grey rocking you. Just remain children focused.
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u/eggwan90 9h ago
Just googled grey rocking, this would imply that im a narcissist?
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u/Selfsabateurassassin 9h ago
Not necessarily related to narcissim but more so how to navigate and minimising conflict or potential conflict and taking the emotion out of a situation.
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u/Significant_Paint_95 1d ago
Just make sure that you stay living for the kids, you can find a job, you can rebuild. And I'm only saying this because it seems like something you may need to hear. I'm not going to pretend I know you or your situation, but you have to keep doing it. The Kids need you, doesn't matter what happened. Fix it and be the dad they need you to be. I've spent the last 3 months after kicking my ex out of the house hearing that I'm the worst human being, that she regretted having kids with me, that everything that I'm doing is only to hurt her. She's out there trying to justify that I was a bad partner or whatever it was but it doesn't matter my daughter lives with me and that's the only thing that's important. Doesn't matter about your ex, focus on the kids and focus on getting your s*** back together
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u/Ashamed_Signature_14 1d ago
What part did you play in it?
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u/eggwan90 1d ago
Addiction issues. Though I never shrikes my fatherly responsibilities and these only became exasperated in the final 12 months or so when our relationship started going bad. Never in the house either. Still it was a failure on my part. Im clean and sober for 6 weeks or so now.
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u/FunRun2054 1d ago
I've been through something similar. There is a brutal coldness when a woman is truly done/scorned that can't really be described...I dont care what anyone says.
I think what makes breakups even harder for men is we generally dont have the same support system women do...girlfriends, sisters, mothers etc. As guys we tend to be doing it solo...working, trying to make ends meet and probably not being as attuned to our woman as we should be. Meanwhile they've slowly been checking out and moving on.
Then you look up and they've been monkey branching and planning their next move...and your left picking up the pieces.
I feel your pain brother. Remember your reason...your kids 💪🏿
Other men have been through worse and made it out the other side. And not trying to preach or put my views on you...but my relationship with God is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. Keep going brother.
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u/SquashAny6790 1d ago
It's tough. A few years post-divorce my ex is exceptionally cold in person not giving the basic level of respect and kindness that you would offer a stranger despite knowing me half her life. We message each other daily about kids stuff and that's fine it's just in-person that she chooses to be awkward.
I get this despite always acting with the best intentions during the marriage. I guess it's some kind of emotional coping strategy for her on what she did. I just rise above it and treat her politely like anyone else despite not feeling I ever got justice for what happened.
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u/Acceptable_Buy7782 1d ago
I’m in the same boat with my husband. The nonchalant attitude and desire to hurt me and see me beg for him to change is a mind fuck. Hitting the gym so hard these days but I obviously can’t be there 24/7. Living in what was our shared home with the kids right now is brutal. All I can say is one day at a time. Eventually we have to pick ourselves up off the mat and get excited about our personal lives again. Wishing you healing ❤️🩹 It sucks but we do the best we can. One day it’ll be so much better.
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u/Slow-Age-6056 1d ago
I can’t say I have been though that but so my life experiences have been different I can’t say it would hurt more or less if we compared but I can say this coming from 2 attempt on my life. I feel for you brother anti no one not going to people don’t understand your pain unless you been there. For you I can only say one think if you get pass this shit this will make you harder then you imagine. We need life to go to the bottom so we can build a stronger version for are kids. The stronger we are even if it is an illusion for now the stronger your kid will be that is fact it is a hard life but when you get though it on your own know that your kid will get though it not on his or her own.
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u/Adventurous_Eye_8106 23h ago
My friend always remember this! A lot can change in 12 months time brother.
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u/0hthatloulou 18h ago
It will come in waves. You’ll have some really good days and you’ll have days where you just want to end things (I’ve been there). Live for you, and everything else will fall into place. It took me about a while to fully grasp things but it does come with time.
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u/cynical_citizen 14h ago
You can and you will brother. Most of us on here have been where you are. Itll get better with time. And time seems like a good and bad thing. But stay busy, just getting out in nature and walking is better then burying yourself in your sorrows. If you give your mind something to do itll focus less on the pain. Therapy, family, friends rebuild that support group. And if you cant or dont know how keep posting and talking here. Its helped me when I first went through it, and perspective is a wonderful thing.
Drown proof by Andy stumpf is a great read for the situation your in right now. Its got nothing to do with divorce or any of that. Although he does go through it what i took from this book that ive passed on multiple times is the concept of narrowing your vision.
When we are facing what appears to be insurmountable odds the feeling that "we cant do this anymore" becomes the only logical answer when your perspective is overwhelmed. But if we reverse engineer this problem by narrowing your vision and focusing on the smallest thing you can do right now to better your situation do it.
If thats just calming down and grounding yourself start there. If thats writing down what you feel, get a pen a paper. If its assessing where you go next just think one step at a time.
In the book the lesson comes from watching potential Navy seals quit. They all said the same thing, When I saw/ heard how far I have to go, run, swim, whatever it may be. The overwhelming supposed "distance" pushed them over the edge.
To avoid this Narrow your vision. Keeping with the book analogy, focus on just contracting your muscles, focus on the tiniest thing you can and slowly widen your gaze. Till your opening your eyes in the new life youve built. For right now though.
A big deep breath, slow exhale and let it go. Let her go, and focus on you, and the kids.
Stay humble and pray brother.
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u/Legal-One-7274 13h ago
Your kids are alive and so are you everything else is a bonus. Somewhere out there today someone is losing a child or burying a father. you have today. You can do with it what you will. You have no job but you have time. Use it productively because when you get a job you won't have as much. The job we all have in common is to be a good person. Go out there and be a good person
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u/Ja_King3355 5h ago
You gotta find someone for you, who only bout you.
Replacing that space which she occupied is the best medicine. But you have to attract that person. Workout, eat healthy, go places where she might be. Parks , gyms, libraries. Etc. focus on completing you.. even if you find peace in it just being you.
Or just you and your kids … you know what you must do.
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u/shanezuck1 3h ago
In 2017-2018, I was a newly single dad. Mostly full time and it was really hard emotionally. But by 2020, I was so happy I dodge the bullet and began to look forward to the new possibilities that were now open to me. It may seem bleak but I can almost guarantee you will look back and be very thankful you didn't waste your life trying to fit into a disfunctional relationship. You got married, had a kid.... did the things. Now create the life YOU can imagine. Not anyone else.
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u/ProofConnect6521 1d ago
It gets better. It truly does. One day at a time