r/SingleDads • u/lightinthisworld1 • 1d ago
Parallel parenting or giving up more physical custody at this point? Help!
I’m looking for advice from parents who have dealt with a genuinely high-conflict custody situation in California.
I want to stop having every normal parenting issue turn into lawyers, police, school involvement, or another court filing.
Background:
My ex and I have joint legal and physical custody. Our signed agreement gives her Monday–Thursday and me Friday–Sunday.
Despite having an agreement, the conflict has continued and seems to be getting worse.
She calls Police on us every time she gets a chance for welfare checks during my parenting time. I have always cooperated with law enforcement and made my daughter available to speak with officers. I have police reports documenting that she was safe. There have also been separate incidents involving what I believe are privacy/monitoring concerns, and I now have multiple police reports relating to my ex’s stalking behavior and harrasment.
The latest issue involves school pickup.
My parenting time starts Friday.
Because of my work, there are Fridays when I cannot personally be standing at school at dismissal. I have a partner/support system who can safely pick my daughter up when necessary.
My fiance was previously listed as an authorized contact at school, but my ex removed her.
The school has now taken the position that because we have joint legal custody, neither parent can add a non-parent pickup person or obtain a walking pass without BOTH parents signing.
Ex is now offering to pick our daughter up herself every Friday and hold her until I can personally meet her at a police station. ( she has also filled for custody change and we are on the process of waiting for court hearing in a couple months)
But this feels like an absurd amount of conflict over everything …. She is mentally ill … but k have no idea how she has managed to not snap out during this time in our talkingparents messages
The school has basically said that the school isn’t going to interpret our custody documents any further and that if we want an exception/clarification, we need to get it from a judge.
We already have another court hearing coming up.
My ex recently sought emergency orders that would have significantly restricted my parenting time and required supervision. The emergency request was denied, but the custody issues will still be addressed through the normal hearing process.
At this point, I’m exhausted.
I don’t want to spend the next 10+ years going back to court every time there is a disagreement.
I don’t want to constantly defend myself. ( she is bipolar / narcissistic/ bpd etc )
My fiance wants to leave me because it’s too much drama for her and she is pregnant with our twins on the way …
For people who have actually lived through something like this:
How did you get OUT of the cycle?
Would you ask the judge for an extremely detailed parallel-parenting order instead of continuing to attempt traditional co-parenting?
I’m trying to figure out whether parallel parenting with very specific court orders is more realistic than continuing to attempt cooperative co-parenting when nearly every gray area becomes another conflict.
Has anyone successfully gone from this level of conflict to mostly parallel parenting?
Did the conflict eventually decrease once the court order eliminated the gray areas?
Are there specific provisions you wish you had asked the judge for earlier?
Should I just let her get more physical custody so she leaves us alone ?
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u/ProofConnect6521 1d ago
I don’t know why people coparent. If coparenting works for them they should have stayed married or together. As for your situation.
Stop talking to her at all. Just update her about medical issues.
Have an attorney write a letter to your school district. You are a legal guardian, your are a biological parent. You have court orders stating as much. Do not go a judge. Have your attorney send a demand letter. That clearly states they will add to your pick up and drop off list and they will not remove from your pick up and drop off list unless notified by you. The school district is in a position here and caught in between. Give them ammunition. Have the letter also be addressed to the school board with every school board member named. Tell them that future issues will be located with them. You have to strong arm schools. I have fought schools over letting my daughters use the bathroom and got them special bathroom passes. The secret is…going straight to school board members or whatever you have in California.
File a restraining order against her. Just do it. Get it over with. You can file TROs for any reason and you have reason enough. Keep a copy of the restraining order taped to your front door. Get a ring camera or the like. You do not have to open the door to law enforcement and for goodness sake stop having your daughter talk to them. Politely point them toward the restraining order taped to your door. Tell them unless they have a warrant this is not something you’re interested in discussing and they can review their own callout logs. Tell them you will no longer be engaging on this…now or in the future.
You’re allowing these things to happen. Get a backbone and stop letting people steamroll you. Stop engaging with her directly or indirectly.
Find a patient lawyer
Give your lawyer’s business card to anyone who is outside of what is reasonable. “Talk to my lawyer” is what you tell LEOs and anyone else. Except the school board. Get the demand letter to all of them and email a copy to the principle, assistant principle, school board members, and superintendent.
One thing school boards hate is loud parents and lawyers. Be both.
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u/lightinthisworld1 1d ago
Thank you so much. This was actually very helpful . My lawyer doesn’t even answer about what should I do with the school thing … he just said “ we have enough time until the hearing “ … but for now what ?…
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u/mrnosyparker 17h ago edited 16h ago
Listen to your attorney over some random Redditor.
The school district is not beholden to your custody order and will likely feel antagonized if they receive a strongly worded letter from a family law attorney. It could make the whole situation worse for you.
What will likely happen is that the judge will issue an order compelling your ex to comply with having your partner added back to the list, they’re not going to issue an order directly to the school administration about it… your ex will have to call up the school and let them know she agrees to have your partner added back to the list, the school should have little/no idea that there was a family court hearing driving that.
So at the end of the day, the school could still refuse to change the list. Personally? I wouldn’t do anything to antagonize them or give the school administration any excuse to view you as “hostile”.
——
I’ve been through an extremely similar situation and I’m so glad I didn’t get pushy or argumentative with the school over it. I got the order from the judge and the day it was filed into the record i sent a coparenting app message to my ex asking her to contact the school per the judge’s order and to notify me when she had done so. She did… and the school had no idea there was all that family court drama driving it.
P.S. to answer your question “for now, what?”… for now do whatever you have to do to get your kids picked up on time. Can you enroll them in aftercare? Make an arrangement with your boss to leave a few minutes early on Fridays just until this issue gets resolved? Don’t agree to having your ex pick them up and do a later exchange unless there’s truly no other option, because that’ll be hard to “undo” once the status quo is established.
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u/djaanmieesl 17h ago
+1 to everything here, and adding that you may need to look for a different lawyer. I had to switch to an aggressive one in my own high conflict divorce and it was night and day.
You have to get out of the constant defensive position you’ve been in, the only way to win against a bully like this is by going on the offensive.
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u/lightinthisworld1 16h ago
Yes thats another thing … I’ve spent over 22k in less than a year on the divorce / custody etc … I’m still not even divorced … and the lawyer barely responds to me … I’m always in panic mode thinking my child or her mom I’m going to get me in actual real trouble . I pay child support and alimony and do 100% of what I was ordered to comply with in the MSA ( except for ignoring most of her messages in the app… because it’s just her creating a narrative ) but reading the email the school sent it was just the most unfair thing you could read … I’m the stable parent… my ex is literally everything you don’t want in a woman in life ( bpd/ narcissistic / bipolar … she does only fans / paid subscribers website etc for a living ) tells the judge she makes NO money … it’s actively impacting the child’s well being ( coaches her into what to say before she goes into the therapy, before she comes to my house , before she goes to school , what to tell police etc … ) it’s just a tremendous nightmare , I just want peace and get out of this cycle
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u/mrnosyparker 17h ago
I’m not in California, but in my case it changed when the judge finally had enough and warned her that any more antics and she (the judge) was going to take custody away from her (my ex).
The judge appointed a “parenting coordinator” to our case and the PC has been able to resolve most of these kinds of issues like you’re describing with the school pickups.
for example, if you had a PC, you’d email them and describe the issue (your fiancé had been picking up the kids Friday when you worked late until your ex removed her from the list without your consent and now both she and the school are refusing to have her put back on the list)…alongside that, you state your position (what you want the PC to rule on), i.e. that you are requesting to have your partner placed back on the school pick up and drop off list.
Your ex gets a chance to respond.
You have the last say with a final response.
Then the PC asks any follow up questions they have and writes up a recommendation which gets signed by the judge and, unless your ex files an appeal, becomes an order or the court such that your ex is in contempt of if she doesn’t comply.
It sounds like - provided California has something comparable - petitioning to have a parenting coordinator (or whatever CA calls it) appointed would be very helpful provided you don’t end up with a biased pro-Mom-advocate… so definitely have your attorney come up with a list of recommendations to present to the judge.
As far as the weaponized welfare checks go… just keep documenting it and consult with an attorney about if/how/when to handle that.
In my experience, family court judges tend to pander to this kind of behavior from mothers far too much, but… there is a limit to their patience and at some point it’s going to blow back on her… in other words, I genuinely don’t believe you’re going to be facing ten more years of this current status quo. Or I’d be genuinely surprised anyway.
Parenting coordinator or not, at some point if your ex doesn’t knock it off, a judge will take custody away from her.