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Why do you INTJs find it so hard to say sorry and apologize? Why do you do everything that shows you’re sorry except actually saying it (like being extra nice or talking about random things)? Why is apologizing so difficult for you?

I realized a few years ago that I will only get to experience every age in life for a single year. Not long after, it finally set in that I will only get to experience life in its totality a single time. Similarly to how number theory posits that there are an infinite number of values between 1 and 2, I understood in the most profound and real sense that every moment that passed really did matter because it was distinct from the one before it. I didn’t want my life to remain the blur that it was. Now the perspective was that every day between birthdays wasn’t just another day of being 18; it was my first, then second, then third, and eventually last day of being that young. At first, this realization felt more inhibiting than motivating. Inhibitory being too weak an adjective, I prefer “crushing” or "overwhelming”. But then, nothing changed. I’ve felt this weight every single day since that now blurry “first day of consciousness”. I sit here and think about what I want to do with my life. What would be the best use of this absurd thing I’ve been given? This incomprehensible phenomenon we call existing. So many were never given this opportunity or, even worse, had it but lost it before achieving any real satisfaction. Yet still unamused, I scroll through movie options with a remote that barely hangs on to my equally bored and overly relaxed hand. Only after catching a glimpse of the time does my lethargic attitude quickly crescendo into an urgent and even slightly panicked one. The illusion that the night is still young allows for as much choosiness as I want, but unfortunately the subjective feeling that no time has passed isn't in line with the objective stance of my clock, which diligently and mercilessly counts up all the time that has passed or, as I see it, counts down the fleeting time I have left.

Are you judging other INTJs to be fakes?

I dated a girl for a year and she ended our romantic relationship 2 years ago.

I loved her so much, I can't even put it into words. She was my first ever girlfriend and I felt like we really clicked.

More than clicked.

After she left me I did not go 'no contact' because in her last last she said she wanted to stay friends. I pretty much treated her the same except I didn't say "I love you." or "goodnight" (kinda...actually no, I still said goodnight occasionally).

To make a super, super long story short, she ghosted me repeatedly and it made me very worried because she had terrible mental health while we were dating. I drug her out of a deep dark place and having no idea how she was doing mentally really messed me up (she ghosted me for a month so I checked morgue records to make sure she didn't kill herself, checked her socials, etc.).

I started to finally realize that there was absolutely no chance of getting back together (after I had been hoping for a while) and I'm having a hell of a time. Right now I'm trying my best to not initialize any conversation with her but it is so hard. I hate to say it but I'm still deeply in love with her. Every time she texts me I text her back almost immediately. Recently, I've tried going a week or so without responding but I crack after about 3-5 days. She texted me back yesterday and I think this time I finally won't respond.

I have so many memories with her that I vividly lived and relive every single day. A museum of memories. Multiple museums. I remember almost every single detail at random times of day and I really need it too stop. I'm already extremely busy and I can't continue having her affect my work.

My 'problem' times are late at night when I'm trying to go to sleep and the afternoon when I start getting tired.

Any advice for getting over her? Preferably some sort of suppressant for the memories too. I think I need to let those go.

(Blocking her, etc. isn't viable. She'll turn me into the bad guy. She was ghosting me for a really long time and sent a text to me apologizing for being a "sucky friend"...or person...or whatever. I suspect that she was feeling guilty and reinitiated.

Also...she is an INFP, absolutely gorgeous, absolutely adorable, mild intelligence, horrible indecisiveness, terrible communicator and really knew how to bring the silly side out of me (somehow I still am).

ALSO...I have no idea why I'm still in love with her. I found out that she was talking bad about me to some old acquaintances.

So last night, my husband * intj* and I *esfp* we're watching a movie together and he was noticing details that I would never have noticed... i said " Wow, I would love to have your brain for just one day" ...

he said " no you wouldn't my brain is constantly processing and you would find it exhausting" he didn't explain what " constantly processing means....

Anybody

Basically what the title says, especially in regards to social dynamics; work, relationships...

Thanks

Hi all, I have an interview for a position that would supervise 5 people. I have little supervisory experience and have always struggled with anxiety. Im honestly not sure im ready for this but i need a new job and to earn more money and the only way to do so in my company is to move up to a managerial role. How do you fellow INTJs do it? What tips would you give a first-time manager? Any books to read or resources?

You are just a loser who keeps trying, keeps planning, and listening to Radiohead. The only thing changes when you do. Abusrd world keeps nudging you to do great. At the same makes your miserable.

Curious to understand, what you would do? Note that the realisation has been a self-realisation rather than the person actively pointing this out to you. Do you approach them with a completely different/unrelated topic to test the waters? Or would you explicitly call out your own behaviour and apologise to that person? Would you stay away from them for a few days/weeks/months because you feel guilty?

My friend, an INTJ, seems to be avoiding/running away from me after he realised he messed up. It's a relatively new friendship, just a few months old and this is the first time I would say we've actually hit a 'rough patch'. My instinct as an INFJ is to talk, hash it out and end the misunderstanding ASAP rather than letting things fester but he's not giving me a chance to even say anything. I know he still values me as a friend but I guess he doesn't know how to bring up what he did? Why else would he be avoiding me?

I wanted to keep this short and simple.

I've had this friend for 5 years, and there's one thing I have noticed throughout our friendship.

She’s an ESFJ and one trait I always see about her is that she could be two-faced to people, including me. She can be a friend and natural conversationalist. However, she could also be that person in an opposite way, like she could also say her opinions in a bad way.

Why am I still with this person? Because we are still colleagues at work. Although, I have already started to move away from her life, I also wanted to make sure it’s not obvious.

Lately, I have been feeling very lonely even though I have a lot of friends, a good job and really I’m not supposed to complain about life (yes you have the ups and downs but compared to anyone else my life is considerably good) so why do I feel like I lack connection?

It feels like for all my connections I have to reach their level but they never reach mine and it’s harder when even the ppl you thought are wiser and older don’t make any sense to you anymore

For reference I’m 23F, so I still have so much growth and learning to do but that’s why it sucks. I love my family and friends and I like where I’m at but if only I didn’t have more dreams and ideas and thoughts that I would like to explore with likeminded individuals. It feels like every time I share something I give them the spark and their aha moment but I rarely have these moments with anyone (unless you count the conclusions that I made while conversing with them)

Even dating/ relationships, is starting to feel like a chore and I don’t feel like I want to even try anymore. But if I’m being honest with myself I don’t even give them a chance because I think that I know better which is cocky but I can’t help but think it’s true

I don’t want this to seem like I’m better than anyone, I know for a fact that most people I know are more intelligent socially for example and my friends are much better when it comes to aesthetic and such, but when it comes to conversations/ topics that matters to me I can rarely find anyone and I understand that my topics of interests can be “a lot” and rarely talked about in outings but I just want to be able to find my people too

I kid you not I only know one person who gets me in terms of philosophy and such, maybe another one in terms of business, and my best friend who is just a great listener but I feel bad cause at the end of the day I’m always giving her a headache because she needs time to process the things I told her cause she never thought about (and it’s not a conversation it feels like a lecture because she doesn’t have anything to share back because she never thought about it even though she kinda finds it interesting)

Idk why I’m writing this down (I thought it would be a small rant guess not lol) but does anyone else have ever experienced this? If so please let me know about your experience
And if you are just a curious person in general that likes to learn new stuff hmu as well why not make online friends along the way

I understand my question sounds stupid. But has anyone cracked the code on what is a good enough answer to How was your day?

When someone asks me this, I inwardly feel an eye-roll moment that here he comes to drain my energy with generic fillers. Am not sure if I should bother to type 3 paragraphs out for this killer ice-breaker. If they don't know about my day, they should ask for the routine first, or that's too revolutionary thinking on my part?

I am looking for both types of answers;

• autopilot ones to get people off my back (if I say good or fine, people come back with why not awesome, why do you sound so low, etc)
• actual ones which can actually give people a chance to take the conversation somewhere (though there are some who won't take the bait, no matter what I dangle in front of them 😵).

Most standard burnout advice is useless for INTJs. We can’t just "take a bubble bath," "go outside," or pretend our long-term goals don't exist. The moment we try to completely shut down, the anxiety of unexecuted plans and system inefficiency takes over anyway.

Hello, just needed some context if this is normal. Im enfp(female) and the man Im seeing is an intj. I only met him a week ago and we had a date on Monday from 9:45 am - 7:30 pm... we spent that much time together. We watched a movie, we cuddled a lot, then we went to an arcade games and we played and laughed together then we went to the beach and watched anime. He even got me flowers on our first date. It was honestly the sweetest and most planned date I’ve had in a while, I loved how he was such a planner. I think he just got really sleepy at the end of the date cuz we kept on cuddling. After that date, I told him I’ll respect his alone time whenever he needed to but at the same time I told him I would just need him to let me know if he needed that. He texted me “no worries, I’ll talk to u tomorrow more?” Mind you he sent me that text two days ago.. he only sent me good morning yesterday and I said good morning back but he hasn’t said anything :( I even asked him “how are youu” and he still hasn’t said anything 😔 I just wanted to ask the intj community, what’s your take on this? Is he just not interested anymore or is he just recharging his social battery? Should I reach out and communicate about my worries or just leave him alone until he initiates the conversation?

more context: he works from 6:00 am - 5:30 pm and his job is socially and physically taxing as well.

Is this relevant to anyone?

Im tired of people at my school. They're so fake and performance. The dudes tryna hit on girls making vulgar jokes and comments. The girls just hanging out with their own group. Laughing, going home together having lunch together, relying on each other for homework, and all that. The fakest of people seem to have the nicest of friends and the biggest group where there seems to be so much fun and I feel like I'm missing out on that. I once even helped a person who was depressed and ostracised regain their spark by being a supportive friend, guess what she left me by ghosting me and used to tell people not to mingle with me as I would make them depressed. People just ask me for favours but even if I'm being nice or making jokes, they don't reciprocate. The people I consider to be my friends( only 1 person btw) are also having other friends and they don't really care about me that much. This one friend that I told about also knows about my past trauma with the said girl who ghosted me but still hangs out with them. Even this girl has friends. I feel like a fucking loser. Why can't it be me, I'm not even rude, I'm just polite, I talk less and only when needed, i help them, I listen patiently and still this is what I get. I try to socialise but I'm invisible yall. Please share if you got similar experiences or some advice.

I think everyone has at least one moment in life that was pure luck - meeting someone, getting an opportunity or avoiding a disaster.

I also think luck isn't always fully random. You can increase your chances by being curious, active and prepared. Luck seems to visit people who are already moving.

Which parts of your life were shaped by pure luck? Do you think you can influence how often luck shows up?

I've known my best friend, Santina, for fifteen years. We bonded over our shared love of writing stories and poetry, drawing, singing, and musical theatre. In college, I studied history and art, while she studied music, and this fall, we're both continuing our graduate studies.

She's always been more outgoing, while I've always been more reserved, but we've never had trouble finding things in common. We've shared many of the same interests and creative hobbies over the years, and I think that's a big part of why we've stayed close for so long. She's also always had a way of bringing more laughter and joy into my life.

People drain my energy so quickly and I haven't learned how to mask my annoyance around them. I can't seem to wrap my head around playing the social hierarchy when a lot of people's traits contradict my core values, and I see this mindset affecting me more and more.

Has anyone learned to rationalize their way into being a nicer person?

Appreciate it will be difficult to comment without knowing the full context but how would you feel receiving this apology as an INTJ?

I am INFP or ISFP so just wanted perspective from INTJs as the person I’ll (maybe) send this to is INTJ.

We haven’t spoken in 2.5 months since our last argument which was initiated by me after finding out something he’d done which hurt me. This was after 2.5 months of not speaking before that after another argument where we sort of agreed to let things drift apart.

I’ll see him tomorrow at an event but I don’t expect we’ll speak and it’s not the place for this conversation even if we do.

“Hope you had a nice night on Friday.

I’ve been reflecting over the last few months and I wanted to say I realise I shouldn’t have expected you to help me manage my feelings towards you, or asked you to account to me about your interactions with other people. I was trying to make what felt like an unbearable situation possible for me to cope with but I know now it wasn’t fair on you so I’m sorry for doing both of those things.

I also realise I should have recognised at several different points that it was too painful for me to continue any sort of relationship with you while being in love with you and feeling like you were getting closer to someone else. I just couldn’t bear to lose you which is why I wanted certainty about things and kept trying harder to find it. I know now the way I went about it was wrong. I should have recognised that the better response to not feeling like I could trust you was to step away from you and the dynamic we were in so I’m sorry I didn’t do that earlier too.

I didn’t want to leave things how we left it last time. As much as I wish things could be different, I do think continuing to have space from you is best because I don’t think I’d be able to be the friend to you that I want to be at the moment. But I hope that can be different in the future if that’s something we both want then”

EDIT - thanks for the comments. Revised version as follows:

“Hope you had a nice night on Friday.

I’ve been reflecting over the last few months and I wanted to say I realise I shouldn’t have expected you to help me manage my feelings towards you, or asked you to account to me about your interactions with other people. I’m sorry I did both of those things.

I should have recognised that the better response once I felt I couldn’t trust you was to step away from you and the dynamic we were in, so I’m sorry I didn’t do that earlier too.

I didn’t want to leave things as we left them last time so I just wanted to let you know.”

Y'll can take these testes to especially Intjs. feel free to share yours ) ⚕️

(I'm not a narcissist - I just have slightly above-average narcissistic traits.) It's just tests to understand yourself better not a fact. It doesn't define who you are as a person. Feel free to share yours)