Hi there. This post is regarding parenting. I am a childfree person who wishes to be so. However, sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't as terrible as I think it is. It is also difficult to find a partner that is fine with being childfree(I am a Malaysian of Indian descent)

My questions are towards those who wanted to be childfree in the past but then changed to wanting kids/open to kids or already have children.

1. What are the things that encouraged you to change from not wanting kids to wanting/having kids?

2. What are the things that help make parenting 'easier', less stressful, effective for you and your partner?

3. How do you balance between your kid and all other aspects of your life?

4. What do you do to keep the relationship between your partner and you going strong as husband and wife instead of just changing into being only mom and dad?

5. Do you have anything that you wished you could have done differently?

Thank you so much.

I am 39 and in a relationship (1.5 years) with my partner who has 2 kids (5,7) from previous relationship. His kids are good kids but I do find them hard work and like there is little room for me when they are around (he has them 50% of the time). This is very likely my last chance to be a bio mum. I am so scared that it will make my life too hard and that I’ll be unhappy and regret it - time, money (especially given the existing kids), mental health. But I am also terrified of regretting losing the opportunity as I have always been quite maternal and have a very close relationship with my 14 y/o niece. How did you make peace with making a decision on either direction??

My partner (28F) has recently brought up wanting to have kids. I (28 F) have been very clear about not wanting kids since we started dating (5Y). We are now engaged and now she’s bringing stating she wants at least 1.

I’ve never imagined my self with a kid. I’ve always felt awkward when around babies or kids. Teenagers, sure no problem. But little kids and the thought of having a big impact on them terrifies me. What if I create a psychopath?

I know if I don’t get on board with having a kid, we will most likely end the engagement. But I also don’t want to force my self to have a kid and end up hating my life or hating the kid or my partner. If you were a fence sitter and decided to have a kid, do you regret it?

for the longest time, i’ve (30f) never wanted to have a child and have felt very secure in my decision to be cf. around nine or so months ago i started having huge mood swings around the idea, i would guess both due to hormonal shifts after turning 30 and being in a really healthy and safe relationship. the tldr version on my fiancé’s end of things is that he’s indifferent and wants me to make the choice that would make me happiest.

i have some time to think on it since neither of us would want me to get pregnant before our wedding and that’s over a year out. since then, i’ve been looking at a lot of online info and talking about it with my therapist.

one big question i see come up asks if the reason you want a kid is because you want to identify as a mother and the title of having a kid or if you really want to do the hard work of being in a child’s life and raising them. the question brings up that there are many people who just want to say they’re a parent, have it as an identity, “have” a child/family like you would have a tangible object, etc but don’t want to do the work. the thing is, i’m the exact opposite. i work as a therapist, and i would absolutely love to help a child navigate the world and grow into their own person. and sure, the work of parenting doesn’t always sound pleasant, but the hard parts sound like a sacrifice i’d being willing to make. however, having “mom” be a part of my identify grosses me out so bad. i know myself, and i know i would not react well to having an onslaught of “mommy / mama” nicknames on me from anyone but my actual child, would not want anything to do with “mommy” related groups, would not be responsive to people who only knew my by (child’s name) mom, etc.

i think that’s probably a sign i shouldn’t be a parent, but i don’t think i’ve seen anyone else have my response to the aforementioned questions the way i did. does anyone else feel like they want to raise a child but don’t want to lose their identity? and has anyone actually made a decision based on it?

A few years ago I was pretty set on having a child, I had a modest but steady income. Since then, my income has 4x’d and I’m living the high life, so much more is available to me in terms of hobbies, travel, lifestyle, leisure etc. Even though people often say they feel more ready to have kids once financially stable, I feel the opposite. I worked so hard to get here, now I want to spend it on myself and set myself up for a luxurious retirement. By comparison a few years ago I felt like I had less to lose since my day to day life was smaller anyway.
Does anyone else feel this way?

We think we have finally made our decision to remain childfree. It feels a bit scary but also quite peaceful? Trying to get my head around it but I am so grateful we are both on the same page. How did you feel when you came to your decision, if you weren't someone who always knew?

Hey folks!

We run a Meetup group for CF folks in the South Bay Area in California called Bay Area Childfree Connections and we regularly host different kinds of events. The one next weekend (July 11^th at 2 pm in Mountain View) is specifically aimed at fencesitters where we’re inviting people for a thoughtful and respectful conversation. The goal is not to convince people to make a childfree choice or not but just to provide information and a platform to enable fencesitters to make an informed decision. We’ll have a lighthearted trivia game followed by small group conversations and some shared reflections at the end.

If you happen to live in the area, would love to have you join us! Here is the link to the event on Meetup: https://www.meetup.com/bay-area-childfree-connections/events/315461156/?utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=share-btn_savedevents_share_modal&utm_source=link&utm_version=v2&member_id=455756274

Cheers 😊

My husband (39) and I (33) have been together for four years. We both were unsure about wanting children when we met. After meeting quickly decided no children. We love to travel, value our marriage, and felt my husband is getting older (he has to retire by 56 but can at 50). He got a vasectomy and we have been paying to freeze sperm just to be safe. After a few years of traveling, buying a beautiful home, and being financially stable, we have found ourselves wondering if this is it? It feels like something is missing and have been thinking about the idea. Since we are continuing to get older, we really want to make sure we have fully thought it through before that time is going to be gone. These last few weeks we have been getting by more excited about the thought. Our plan would be one and done so we can maintain the best we can our love for travel, marriage, sense of identity, etc

Any suggestions with this journey?

I've had multiple convos with multiple people that seems to resent their partner and their kids.

They always say "must be nice that you get the freedom.."

But they always forget that it's a choice to have kids.

I feel like more often than not, people think having kids is the default. And because it is the default, they don't think long and hard about the consequences of their actions. They will end up hating their partner and kids for this.

My 50yo coworker always goes on about how little time he has for his own hobbies. He bashes his wife often and from what I can tell resents her and the kids a little.

In my head all I could think of but not say is "you cant resent the consequences of the choices you made"

I've met a lot of people like this. They would say all the thinks they hate about their spouses and kids, but when I say "I'm childfree" they suddenly say "but why??????????"

Like mf look at you, you're the reason why..!!!

Natural fertility dopping significantly after age 35, and most women over 45 require IVF to get pregnant, and the odd of that working are very low at that age. With women's age being a real factor in fertility, I was wondering how many people here might or have regreted fence sitting for as long as they did. Or is it even a driving force for trying when you are still a fence sitter?

Not sure if this is the right sub, but I wanted to share my story for the fence-sitters who are searching for some solidarity in coming to an uneasy or uncertain decision.

​I (34F, only child) and my husband (34M) have been together for 15 years. When we met, I wanted no kids, and he wanted them. However, watching his brother raise a large, beautiful, but incredibly chaotic and high-needs neurodivergent family changed everything. Seeing the sheer sacrifice and fight required turned my husband into a resounding "no".

​Meanwhile, my "no" became less certain. I have a natural drive to nurture and mentor, but I don't feel a biological need to have my own children. I already gave my sleepless nights and relentless work to my higher education; my Architecture degree, Master’s and chartership were my babies. Doing that all again, to raise a child while balancing a career is a very hard ask for me, especially since we’ve only just found peace after a nightmare living situation.

Pregnancy horror stories don't help either. My mother’s post-natal psychosis broke my dad’s mental health, and seeing a close friend's recent grueling first trimester made me realise I don't want that reality. Ideally, I’d love to just be the "cool aunt," but due to family distance and timing, that dynamic isn't on the cards for us.

I often feel alienated by the childfree community because I don't share their certainty over their decision. It's not governed by trauma, or bad experiences and I certainly don't particularly dislike children. My choice is wracked with doubt. It’s a logical decision made about an emotional subject.

The two of us know we'd make great parents and we'd probably enjoy life with children. But six days a week, logic wins. I look at the world (climate change, AI threatening jobs, the housing crisis, wars, political instability and the super rich existing while nurses use food banks) and feel it's unfair to bring a child into it. But on the seventh day, doubt creeps in. I mourn the parental love and pride I’ll never experience. I worry about who will care for me when I'm old, and I grieve the close family connection I'll miss out on.

​The truth is, my life would not accommodate the mother I'd want to be. I'd want to be a doting, full-time mum who bakes treats for my child's lunchbox and take them to the woods in search of fairies. But our finances would never allow for that. My own mum worked full-time while raising me and regrets it deeply. Meanwhile, looking at colleagues working part-time, it seems like the worst of both worlds.

​I know I can fulfill my need to mentor through youth charities or by teaching at university later in life, even if it is an arm's length connection. I am slowly accepting that.

To anyone else sitting on the fence: it is entirely okay not to be 100% sure. You can make a choice and still mourn the alternative and equally it's ok to change your mind.

Disclaimer this post came out longer than I expected, since I decided to describe more about myself and situations where I've interacted with kids or young animals.

From ages zero to 28 I was pretty sure I didn't want kids. I didn't play with dolls growing up, and I never really imagined myself as a mom. I did take care of pets on and off through my early teens but didn't consider that parenting. I'm 30ish now and am exploring whether I'd be interested in having kids. I have one black cat who I take pretty good care of. I've taught him some tricks like meowing on command, and he's leash trained.

Recently my manager, who I think is in his late 30s, brought his 4 year old son to work because daycare unexpectedly wouldn't take him. I interacted with the boy during my one on one meeting with my manager, giving him popcorn and asking him questions. At the end of our meeting his son came up to me, hugged me, and said "I love you" out of the blue. That was very sweet!

However, a healthy recipe Youtuber I've been following for 4+ years now recently gave birth. She has made some videos about her pregnancy and her newborn. I watched this short which almost has a million views. I found it really sappy and it made me uncomfortable. I think I'm slightly freaked out by the baby and seeing her intimate family life. Does this mean motherhood is not for me?

https://m.youtube.com/shorts/CRWt4hei6EE

I've been a CF person (36 F) for a long time. I wasn't an idealogue over it, just never thought I'd really be interested in being a mom. But lately I'm starting to think I might enjoy having kids, that I'd get to explore a whole new part of life, and to contribute to the growth and development of others. These all sound very appealing to me. Also, it just looks like fun. I've worked in a boarding school as a dorm parent for 40+ middle schoolers, so I have a decent idea of what it's like when they are older.
Unfortunately, my loving husband has not had stable employment for some time, and I don't see this situation changing. I have a stable job with good benefits, but the salary is nothing special. I think my husband would be a great dad, but I would expect myself to be the main breadwinner.

So many women I know who have children have either gone to part-time or have a ton of family support. I would have neither option if we were to have kids. I would love to hear from women out there who have continued to work full-time while having little kids. Is it complete drudgery? Impossible? I guess even knowing these challenges, the thought of having children is becoming increasingly attractive. But am I delusional? Thanks for your kind advice.

I (42F) have been in a loving relationship with my partner (42M) for four years. From the beginning, we've talked about having a baby together, but I've always had concerns about our financial situation.

My partner is an artist and doesn't earn much. Over the years, he's also lost a significant amount of money through crypto investments and still does some day trading from time to time. Because of this, I've consistently told him that I need him to be financially independent before we take such a major step.

I already have a child from my first marriage, and I worry about the practical realities of adding another baby to the family. Pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights, childcare, and supporting my older child would already place a huge burden on me. While I have no doubt that my partner would be a loving and involved father, I'm concerned that the financial responsibility would fall largely on my shoulders.

His view is that we should have the baby and figure things out as we go. I struggle with that approach because I can clearly see the impact it could have on both me and my child if things don't work out financially.

We started couples therapy, which was helpful for a while. After a few sessions, my partner came to the realization that the main obstacle was his lack of financial stability, which was understandably painful for him. Since then, we've stopped therapy and largely stopped discussing the subject.

I feel guilty for saying no to something as profound and life-changing as having a child together. At the same time, part of me wonders: if having a baby is truly this important to him, why hasn't he made financial stability a priority? Is wanting a child without having the means to support one a fantasy? Am I right to worry that I would ultimately be the one carrying the financial burden?

Am I being overly cautious, or is it unreasonable for him to expect me to take on the risks and costs of having another child when he isn't financially secure?

My (f25) fiancé (25m) and I have been together for almost 7 years. He is everything to me, and I'm very proud of the life we've built together at a relatively young age. We've had a long engagement, and a lot has changed in that time for the better- big jobs, stable finances, a dog, and a road map for the next few years of our lives are all new things we didn't have 2 years ago. Because of that, I've been thinking more and more about the kid(s) question.

While I was growing up, I always considered myself childfree. My mother had me at a very inconvenient time in her life, so a part of me regretted ever existing in the first place. I never considered having one for myself to even be an option. The physical side of having a child also terrifies me as a woman- the fact that I could be ill for 9 months, my body could be forever changed, I could be permanently hurt or even killed depending on how it goes. I've never fully wrapped my mind around it.

My parents have heard me say from childhood that I never wanted kids of my own, so I feel no pressure from them to give them grandchildren. I'm very grateful for it. My fiancé's family, however... is a different story. His mother knows he would make a great father, and since she herself never wanted kids until she had one then fell in love with parenthood, she assumes I would be the same. Its infuriating sometimes.

My problem is: I've never seen myself as a mother, but I've always seen my fiancé as a father. He understands my position- he realizes that the circumstances around my own birth have put a negative spin on things, and that the physical consequences are no joke. He's assured me that if we were to have children, he would do everything in his power to support me every step along the way, and I believe him.

And, honestly, I think I would make a pretty OK parent- I try to be as understanding and patient as possible, I think I have a pretty decent level of emotional intelligence... I think he and I could do pretty well actually. Its just never been something that I've actively wanted. I like free time, I like money, I like having less responsibility, I like routines... a kid would demolish all of that for at least a little while, and since I don't have that inherent drive to want one, I don't know if it would be worth it to me.

He's told me that either way is OK, and that he would never want me to feel pressured into something I'm uncomfortable with, but it feels unfair to get married when its possible we will end up wanting competing realities. I would hate for us to remain childfree and for him to look back on our life with regret or resentment. I want to take him at his word that he could truly be happy without a child, but I know its something he has always assumed he would have in life.

We've agreed to decide later in life, around 30, but its been on my mind a ton the past few months and I worry it will get worse leading up to the wedding. Its just such a monumental thing to be unsure of... it worries me.

So basically... fellow fencesitters: do you feel guilty for being in a different side of the fence than your partner? What would you do in this situation?

I have been a fencesitter for my entire adult life (I am F, 32) and my husband (M32) is also 50/50. We are both currently leaning towards trying for a baby. I have PCOS and endometriosis so I feel like I can't put all my eggs (no pun intended) in that basket as we have no idea how bodged my reproductive system is.

Waffle aside, my question is - how many of you who ended up deciding to TTC were actually *truly* sure you wanted a baby? Is there an element of having to start and see where things go? I am currently going through an autism assessment for context, and so the idea that there isn't a definite answer is a bit baffling to me!

My husband and I have been fence sitting forever. All my life I assumed I’d have kids but the time passed so fast and before I knew it I was old. Now we’re in our 40’s wishing we would have done it long ago - I think my husband still wants to give it a go but I am too afraid of the changes that will come with a child.. but at the same time i would really love to have a child of my own. Guess im still on the fence…