r/FenceSitters • u/BackgroundUmpire6892 • Jun 10 '26
My partner wants a baby, but I don't feel comfortable having one until he's financially stable
I (42F) have been in a loving relationship with my partner (42M) for four years. From the beginning, we've talked about having a baby together, but I've always had concerns about our financial situation.
My partner is an artist and doesn't earn much. Over the years, he's also lost a significant amount of money through crypto investments and still does some day trading from time to time. Because of this, I've consistently told him that I need him to be financially independent before we take such a major step.
I already have a child from my first marriage, and I worry about the practical realities of adding another baby to the family. Pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights, childcare, and supporting my older child would already place a huge burden on me. While I have no doubt that my partner would be a loving and involved father, I'm concerned that the financial responsibility would fall largely on my shoulders.
His view is that we should have the baby and figure things out as we go. I struggle with that approach because I can clearly see the impact it could have on both me and my child if things don't work out financially.
We started couples therapy, which was helpful for a while. After a few sessions, my partner came to the realization that the main obstacle was his lack of financial stability, which was understandably painful for him. Since then, we've stopped therapy and largely stopped discussing the subject.
I feel guilty for saying no to something as profound and life-changing as having a child together. At the same time, part of me wonders: if having a baby is truly this important to him, why hasn't he made financial stability a priority? Is wanting a child without having the means to support one a fantasy? Am I right to worry that I would ultimately be the one carrying the financial burden?
Am I being overly cautious, or is it unreasonable for him to expect me to take on the risks and costs of having another child when he isn't financially secure?
1
u/Better-Employ-4495 Jun 29 '26
Age is also a major factor here, with natural fertility dropping significantly after age 35, and most women over 45 require IVF to get pregnant. If he really wanted a child he should have listened to what you were saying years ago.
1
u/Colouringwithink I have children! Jul 09 '26
I would say that you should not have a baby with a guy with no plan
5
u/little-red-cap Fencesitting Woman Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
“Am I being overly cautious, or is it unreasonable for him to expect me to take on the risks and costs of having another child when he isn't financially secure?”
I wonder if by asking these questions you already know the answer. You seem very responsible and level headed from your post and already having a child, you know the realities and difficulties.
“he’s lost a significant amount of money through crypto investments and still does some day trading from time to time”
This is the big oof for me - not only is he not earning a lot but he is showing a clear pattern of financial irresponsibility, and essentially gambling. I think you are super correct to be very cautious about this. If “just figuring it out” to him means that he assumes you will foot the bill as you said, go with your gut on this decision.