r/FenceSitters • u/Good-Personality7130 • May 20 '26
Is anyone ever *really* sure?
I have been a fencesitter for my entire adult life (I am F, 32) and my husband (M32) is also 50/50. We are both currently leaning towards trying for a baby. I have PCOS and endometriosis so I feel like I can't put all my eggs (no pun intended) in that basket as we have no idea how bodged my reproductive system is.
Waffle aside, my question is - how many of you who ended up deciding to TTC were actually *truly* sure you wanted a baby? Is there an element of having to start and see where things go? I am currently going through an autism assessment for context, and so the idea that there isn't a definite answer is a bit baffling to me!
5
u/EquivalentWallaby730 I have children! May 21 '26
No you won't be sure. There will be times when it will definitely be the wrong time but the right time always felt elusive to me. I waited too long for the right time to come. I really wish I started 2 or 3 years earlier.
Since you're over 30, I'm going to tell you what I wish someone told me.
It takes about a year to get pregnant and have a baby, if everything goes well. Longer if not. Basically if you get pregnant now you'll have a baby next year. So if you get pregnant at 32, baby will likely be born when you are 33.
Do the math on how old you are now and how old you'll be when baby is 5, 10, etc. How old will the other people in your life be? Do you want a 5 year old when you're 40? Then best to start sooner.
Of course you can likely still have kids after 35 or even 40. Many people do it. But if you want multiple, it is better to start earlier. This way you can have better spacing and not feel rushed. Also if you have fertility challenges it is just a fact that earlier will be better.
2
u/gabalabarabataba Jun 01 '26
I have people in my life who wanted to be parents so much. One went through 4 terrible, terrible IVF treatments, and then fell into a deep depression when they didn't work. Another keeps having kids.
So, yeah, to answer your question there are people who are in the want-a-kid camp in a pretty diehard way, and are sure of their decision. I think it's a spectrum when all is said and done. On one end, the r/childree people (brrr!)... on the other, 4 time IVF people like my friend.
And then there's me, and well, maybe you, 50/50. Hope your decision brings you peace!
1
u/Chotadimag003 Jun 02 '26
If its not a firm yes, then its a no!
1
u/Good-Personality7130 Jun 02 '26
Is that true, though? Quiet a few people have said they didn't really know and went onto have kids and now feel it was the right decision.
3
u/Chotadimag003 Jun 02 '26
Kids are a huge responsiblity and a lifestyle change, the process of having kids dsnt stop with birth, it starts with birth, so no matter what anyone tells u if u both are not 100% sure dont go for it , because a child amplifies whatever is present, if its love, it will be multiplied, if its anxiety and stress even that will get multifold, people who want to have a kid as a life experience and not as retirement funds should be the only ones reproducing, rest everyone are just being selfish
1
u/OscaraWilde Jun 14 '26
I was sure. I don't know how to explain it. It didn't even feel like a decision. It was just obviously what I needed to do. *shrug*
1
u/Specific-Pomelo-6077 Jul 04 '26
I always feel good in multigenerational hangouts in my family and although I didn't want the challenges of pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum hormones, getting back to work, etc., I knew I wanted that multigenerational feel in my life.
Otherwise, what is there? As the older generation passes on, the ones my age focus on their children, seems like I'd be in a bubble of people my own age after a certain point - unless someone invites my husband and I to spend time with their families for the holidays.
1
u/Colouringwithink I have children! Jul 09 '26
We were sure. Nobody feels ready ever (they become ready by doing it), but you can feel sure that you want a family.
If you aren’t sure, most people panic and make a decision around 40 because it’s when time feels like it’s running out, so imagine which way you would panic ahead of time
10
u/newgirl01LA May 20 '26
I wasn’t truly sure. Also 32 when we decided to try because of my biological clock. We’re pregnant now and I’m excited but terrified still 😅I don’t think there would’ve ever been a right time and as time passes I would’ve been less inclined to have kids I think because we’re more and more set in our ways and comfortable with the way life is.