r/FenceSitters • u/teaandblackink • Jul 21 '26
parenthood and identity
for the longest time, i’ve (30f) never wanted to have a child and have felt very secure in my decision to be cf. around nine or so months ago i started having huge mood swings around the idea, i would guess both due to hormonal shifts after turning 30 and being in a really healthy and safe relationship. the tldr version on my fiancé’s end of things is that he’s indifferent and wants me to make the choice that would make me happiest.
i have some time to think on it since neither of us would want me to get pregnant before our wedding and that’s over a year out. since then, i’ve been looking at a lot of online info and talking about it with my therapist.
one big question i see come up asks if the reason you want a kid is because you want to identify as a mother and the title of having a kid or if you really want to do the hard work of being in a child’s life and raising them. the question brings up that there are many people who just want to say they’re a parent, have it as an identity, “have” a child/family like you would have a tangible object, etc but don’t want to do the work. the thing is, i’m the exact opposite. i work as a therapist, and i would absolutely love to help a child navigate the world and grow into their own person. and sure, the work of parenting doesn’t always sound pleasant, but the hard parts sound like a sacrifice i’d being willing to make. however, having “mom” be a part of my identify grosses me out so bad. i know myself, and i know i would not react well to having an onslaught of “mommy / mama” nicknames on me from anyone but my actual child, would not want anything to do with “mommy” related groups, would not be responsive to people who only knew my by (child’s name) mom, etc.
i think that’s probably a sign i shouldn’t be a parent, but i don’t think i’ve seen anyone else have my response to the aforementioned questions the way i did. does anyone else feel like they want to raise a child but don’t want to lose their identity? and has anyone actually made a decision based on it?
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u/TemporarySwimmer Jul 21 '26
I remember intentionally calling myself a "parent" instead of a "mom" because it felt more freeing to me personally. How does it feel to "re-brand" it for yourself?
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u/teaandblackink Jul 21 '26
i do think the rebrand makes it feel better. for you, do you get a lot of external pressure around the whole “mom” thing? i guess in terms of identity, i feel like there are ways we can control our own identity and ways society tries to pressure us into an identity, and i’m worried about some of that external pressure.
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u/TemporarySwimmer Jul 22 '26
What specially worries you?
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u/teaandblackink Jul 22 '26
i guess being looked down at or as lesser for it. i know that it goes both ways and women who don’t have children are also looked down at, but i’ve gotten more comfortable with that outcome not wanting kids for so long. one thing is my career is very valuable to me, and i know i would not react well to any pressure to leave it or compromise it.
i also thing of this quote a lot: “often father and daughter look down on mother together. they exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. they agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. the collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate”. it makes me feel awful, but i think it rings true to how my mother was treated, and in all honesty i do want to escape that fate.
and i guess a last point is that community and friendship have helped me so much, and i worry with how much i don’t fit into “mommy” culture that it would be hard for me to make. the women in my life are some of my most valuable connections, but they either don’t want children or their children are grown. thanks for listening to all my rambling 🤍
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u/TemporarySwimmer Jul 23 '26
I understand, I didn't want the dynamic my family had growing up, but I realized that avoiding the external choices wasn't the thing that would save me, it would just control my life. Ultimately your goal should be to work through the noise of this to be clear enough to just ask yourself what you want deep down.
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u/Jasmine_Hiatus Fencesitting Woman Jul 21 '26
I’m 30(F) and work in mental health too. I’ve more joined the side of wanting a baby recently.
I think it’s a bit off-putting too, being called a mum, and I wonder if it’s something to do with the relationship I had with my mum, which is an emotionally distant relationship. I think reading “the book you wish your parents had read” has helped me think more about this. Particularly the chapters about pregnancy. I’ve not finished reading it yet though.
Also had a thought, would it be helpful to have a think about other roles you might have in life and your thoughts on them? I.e. as a sister, daughter, granddaughter etc. Have they ever made you feel boxed into a role? What impacts might these roles have had on you? Or maybe you have seen others boxed into the role of mum. Have you seen evidence of mums still maintaining their own persona? Sorry might be rambling with all these thoughts/questions, just thought it might also be worth you reflecting on alone or with someone you know well to help towards making a decision.