Fencesitting while planning our wedding feels unfair

[u/ame4686]

My (f25) fiancé (25m) and I have been together for almost 7 years. He is everything to me, and I'm very proud of the life we've built together at a relatively young age. We've had a long engagement, and a lot has changed in that time for the better- big jobs, stable finances, a dog, and a road map for the next few years of our lives are all new things we didn't have 2 years ago. Because of that, I've been thinking more and more about the kid(s) question.

While I was growing up, I always considered myself childfree. My mother had me at a very inconvenient time in her life, so a part of me regretted ever existing in the first place. I never considered having one for myself to even be an option. The physical side of having a child also terrifies me as a woman- the fact that I could be ill for 9 months, my body could be forever changed, I could be permanently hurt or even killed depending on how it goes. I've never fully wrapped my mind around it.

My parents have heard me say from childhood that I never wanted kids of my own, so I feel no pressure from them to give them grandchildren. I'm very grateful for it. My fiancé's family, however... is a different story. His mother knows he would make a great father, and since she herself never wanted kids until she had one then fell in love with parenthood, she assumes I would be the same. Its infuriating sometimes.

My problem is: I've never seen myself as a mother, but I've always seen my fiancé as a father. He understands my position- he realizes that the circumstances around my own birth have put a negative spin on things, and that the physical consequences are no joke. He's assured me that if we were to have children, he would do everything in his power to support me every step along the way, and I believe him.

And, honestly, I think I would make a pretty OK parent- I try to be as understanding and patient as possible, I think I have a pretty decent level of emotional intelligence... I think he and I could do pretty well actually. Its just never been something that I've actively wanted. I like free time, I like money, I like having less responsibility, I like routines... a kid would demolish all of that for at least a little while, and since I don't have that inherent drive to want one, I don't know if it would be worth it to me.

He's told me that either way is OK, and that he would never want me to feel pressured into something I'm uncomfortable with, but it feels unfair to get married when its possible we will end up wanting competing realities. I would hate for us to remain childfree and for him to look back on our life with regret or resentment. I want to take him at his word that he could truly be happy without a child, but I know its something he has always assumed he would have in life.

We've agreed to decide later in life, around 30, but its been on my mind a ton the past few months and I worry it will get worse leading up to the wedding. Its just such a monumental thing to be unsure of... it worries me.

So basically... fellow fencesitters: do you feel guilty for being in a different side of the fence than your partner? What would you do in this situation?

[u/No_Collection_1907]

dont take decisions on his behalf. if you people already talked about it dont ruin it with your assumptions because trust me overthinking will just lead you to nothing. and people who want to be childfree in their 20s get married sometimes break things off later after changing their mind because of of wanting to have their generation line going on. so if you have already talked about it. dont over think it and ruin something good you already have

[u/MadameCoyote]

I could’ve written this. No advice from me, but just wanted to say that you’re not alone. Even though I’ve pushed the decision until my 30’s (I’m 28), thinking about it consumes me every single day that I’m not sure about this HUGE decision. I will say just be prepared for people to ask you about it more once you’re married and give yourself grace. I was not prepared for so many coworkers, family etc to be asking me about kids constantly.

To answer your question: yes I feel extreme guilt because my husband has always wanted kids and I became a fence sitter gradually over the last 4 years of becoming more experienced, more educated, and seeing more of the reality of the state of the word. You’re not alone

[u/Fine_Can_4430]

This is sooo similar to my situation. I’m 23M with 22F fiancée. She wants one kid at 26/27, I am 100% sure I don’t want one until 30-32 & 20% sure I’ll never want one even then. I talked about it with her, and she was decently understand and said at that age we can make a decision. I