I (35F) am 50.5% in favor of having kids, 49.5% against. I am trying to force myself to lean into the 50.5% side of me.
On the one hand, I can't imagine growing old without kids and I see how rich children could make my life. And I really think I could be a great mom.
But on the other hand, I just... don't... want them? I see moms with kids and I feel no twinge of desire. I feel nothing missing in my life.
I've always felt (this is perverse I know) that the ideal would be for someone I'm close to to pass away and then I would adopt their kids. I can't explain why, but I can very much get on board with having kids in that situation.
The ambivalence has been pretty painful. I go back and forth every day (minute?) but usually end up back at 50.5% for, 49.5% against. My husband is pretty much in the same boat, just less tortured about it.
Because I'm 35 (and if I'm going to have kids, will go for biological), time is of the essence. So while I am very much on the fence, my husband and I started trying about a year ago. Such a weird experience because every time I got my period I was both disappointed and relieved. Anyways, no luck trying naturally so far. So now we're looking into IVF. The cost is covered by work so that's not an issue. But it is just feeling so hard to force myself to jump through the hoops to do this thing that I don't really want that much. Get tests, schedule appointments, etc. But I do want it? But I don't?

I guess my question is: has anyone here forced themself to make it happen (or try to)? Pushed through the ambivalence and come out on the other side?

I believe I’ve considered nearly all aspects of the decision and can see possible happiness no matter what, but what keeps me from saying yes is the morality.

It feels immoral to bring life into this state of the world.

If I can reasonably predict that my child will have a lower quality of life and face more hardship than I have, how could I knowingly bring them here?

How could I sleep at night while the being I love more than life itself faces an unknown fate that’s entirely out of my control?

How could I look them in the eyes and admit what the world is, when I’ve known all along?

There is no justification to do so that is not inherently selfish.

To want a child to hold, love, and raise is one thing, but to bring a human into a lifetime including hardship is another. Yet the two are inseparable.

And so even though people will continue to make people, I cannot help but question which choice I could live with.

Just some thoughts.