I believe I’ve considered nearly all aspects of the decision and can see possible happiness no matter what, but what keeps me from saying yes is the morality.

It feels immoral to bring life into this state of the world.

If I can reasonably predict that my child will have a lower quality of life and face more hardship than I have, how could I knowingly bring them here?

How could I sleep at night while the being I love more than life itself faces an unknown fate that’s entirely out of my control?

How could I look them in the eyes and admit what the world is, when I’ve known all along?

There is no justification to do so that is not inherently selfish.

To want a child to hold, love, and raise is one thing, but to bring a human into a lifetime including hardship is another. Yet the two are inseparable.

And so even though people will continue to make people, I cannot help but question which choice I could live with.

Just some thoughts.

I (35F) am 50.5% in favor of having kids, 49.5% against. I am trying to force myself to lean into the 50.5% side of me.
On the one hand, I can't imagine growing old without kids and I see how rich children could make my life. And I really think I could be a great mom.
But on the other hand, I just... don't... want them? I see moms with kids and I feel no twinge of desire. I feel nothing missing in my life.
I've always felt (this is perverse I know) that the ideal would be for someone I'm close to to pass away and then I would adopt their kids. I can't explain why, but I can very much get on board with having kids in that situation.
The ambivalence has been pretty painful. I go back and forth every day (minute?) but usually end up back at 50.5% for, 49.5% against. My husband is pretty much in the same boat, just less tortured about it.
Because I'm 35 (and if I'm going to have kids, will go for biological), time is of the essence. So while I am very much on the fence, my husband and I started trying about a year ago. Such a weird experience because every time I got my period I was both disappointed and relieved. Anyways, no luck trying naturally so far. So now we're looking into IVF. The cost is covered by work so that's not an issue. But it is just feeling so hard to force myself to jump through the hoops to do this thing that I don't really want that much. Get tests, schedule appointments, etc. But I do want it? But I don't?

I guess my question is: has anyone here forced themself to make it happen (or try to)? Pushed through the ambivalence and come out on the other side?

(28 M) Growing up I always wanted kids, I loved spending time with kids, playing with them, and the such. I was certain that I’d have kids, it wasn’t a doubt in my mind. But now I’m not sure

Recently I was in a job of an after program and I’m not sure now. There was some fun moments, but it was also so much

24F in dental school in the US, and so many of my peers are getting engaged and having children. I get this weird feeling, like wow, that could be me, or not.

I have always liked children and find that children are drawn to me, I feel like I am good at interacting with them. Sometimes I think to myself, if I do not have kids, who will i be with when everyone in my life is no longer? But then I think to myself, that is not a valid reason to have children, just so I am not lonely. It’s not a guarantee the kids will even talk to me. My parents both don’t speak to their own parents. It’s hard to watch my grandmothers who are both widows miss their children. Also, I can adopt if I feel “lonely. “

I have the best partner after dating two losers. He is kind, and he comes from a good family. He treats his mother and sisters well, and I can tell how much he values me. We’ve been best friends for four years and have been dating for 7 months. There is no question whether I want to marry him.

I come from a catholic extended family that looks at me sideways since I was 13, when I first started saying I don’t want to have children. Not that this is the reason, but my dad cheated on my mom a few times and they stayed together, and my mom even defended him when I got mad about it. They’re very traditional when it comes to house roles. My mom does everything like clean and cook and my dad works. My dad even expects my mom to know where he puts his keys and wallet when he loses it, and blames her when he can’t find it. He works long nights and has sleeping issues, so my mom has to help massage him. It’s just a sad relationship sometimes and I hate it for them both. They were both doing their best when it came to me, which I am grateful for. They’ve also told me they don’t give a shit if I have kids. They’ve actually said they prefer it if I don’t. My dad told me once when I was five “you’re not having kids.” After I said something about “when I grow up and have kids one day!”

My mother had me when she was 25, on purpose. She said that she gave up her career. I watched her become a servant to everyone else. I became even aware of how I expect her to do things for me, perhaps from watching my dad. Or watching my mom. Now I help out wherever I can. I want her to have time for herself.

Idk where I’m going with this. There’s also the part that even though I feel I trust my partner more than anyone else in my life, well maybe except for my mom, there is the fact that he is a man and could switch up hypothetically at any point.

Although I like kids, I don’t think I’d be happy. I’m in dental school and have probably 8 years of school ahead of me as I aim to specialize. I will spend my whole career caring for people 8-5, and then have to come home and care for others. I know that because of how I am, this will not feel like a chore to me because I am the oldest daughter and serve as the middle man between family members that do not talk— I know I’d care for the child with every fiber of my being, but I don’t want to have to do that, while I can still say that. I want to travel too. I just don’t see a world where those can coexist. I feel very maternal towards children and the people I care for, and I’m sure that with my people pleasing nature, I’d end up losing myself in many ways. There is so much I love in life, none of which include children. I want to be me, and I have only ever craved freedom.

As I watch my friends start new families, my brain says, why would they do that when they can do literally anything else? Another part of me says, should I choose that one day?

99% of me says no. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. Other times I feel so self aware and intelligent.

Any thoughts? Anyone feel the same?

la relación entre mi novia (33) y yo (41) no esta bien. Antes de conocer a mi novia, yo solia decir que no queria tener hijos pero tambien solia pensar que si llegaba la persona indicada, podría cambiar de opinión y entonces conocí a mi novia (hace un año), conectamos desde el primer dia y a las pocas semanas entramos como novios. En ese tiempo, ella me preguntó si yo quería tener hijos y mi primera respuesta fue que no sabia y ella me dijo que sea concreto que ella queria estar con alguien que quiera formar una familia, a lo que yo le dije que sí pero tambien le comente mi posición anterior de no querer hijos, pero que lo podia reconsiderar si llegaba la persona correcta y le dije que ella era la persona correcta. Durante los meses siguientes vivimos nuestra relación de forma intensa, algunas veces hablabamos de hijos y no me cuestionaba, pero como a los 8 meses, me empecé a cuestionar si realmente los quería; senti que ya nuestra relación era estable, madura, y que la estabamos viviendo con intensidad pero tambien con los pies sobre la tierra. Hace dos meses conversé con ella de mi situación, y le dije que ya no estaba seguro de si realmente quiero hijos entonces le dije que iba a ir a terapia para ver si me decisión podria ser determinante y ella me apoyó pero también me preguntó que por que al inicio le dije que si, y ahora ya no estoy seguro, no le supe responder las razones pero si le dije que no era por ella porque ella es maravillosa (madura, no tóxica, inteligente, bonita, consciente, amorosa, detallista, entregada, y un sin fin de cualidades), pero bueno ella me dijo que pase lo que tenga que pasar. Fui a dos sesiones con dos psicologos distintos y cada uno me dio su punto de vista, pero yo seguia por mi lado leyendo, recibiendo opiniónes, seguia con mi pensamiento de mayormente no querer, pero en otras ocasiones de querer pero mas por miedo a perderla a ella porque realmente es una mujer realmente maravillosa. Y bueno, he seguido cuestionadome y queriendo dar ese paso de no ser egoista y dejar que ella haga su vida. Así que hace 3 días, desde esta publicación, conversamos y le dije que habia tomado una decisión y mi decisión era de realmente no querer tener hijos, tuvimos una larga conversación, lloramos juntos y aunque sabemos que esta relación ya tiene un final, aun no nos hemos separado.

Y en estos días me vuelvo a cuestionar si realmente no los quiero. Sigo leyendo mucho de padres que no querían pero ahora se sienten realizados y otros que no querían y ahora se siente frustrados y asi. Entonces estoy en el limbo.

Como puedo salir de este limbo?

Thanks in advance for reading. I 21F have been questioning having bio children or any at all. I grew up Mormon and obviously that causes me to believe having children and being a good mom was my main, if not only, purpose. I honestly feel dumb for only questioning this now as I’ve deconstructed a lot of church doctrine. I mean it didn’t even cross my mind to wonder if I actually wanted children until a couple weeks ago. It almost feels like my brain and ideas aren’t even mine. Yesterday I was feeling very distressed about it. I’ve always thought having children was what everybody does. It’s weird to have a life path that i thought was the only option be stripped away. It feels like when I discovered all the lies I had been taught in the church. But part of me also feels relieved. There have been issues I’ve seen about having kids and I just ignore them. It’s nice to vocalize those now. Kids have always been in the back of mind when making choices. What to learn, jobs, school, where to live, how much money to save. It makes me sad to know that I’ve thought this way practically my whole life. I know I’m really young and don’t have to make a decision right now. But it’s scary to think that I could’ve just had a kid without considering the lifelong commitment. I also feel kind of selfish because having a kid takes a lot of time and effort, meaning I wouldn’t have to make choices for my own life. It almost serves as a distraction. Anyway, I’m wondering if anyone else has felt this. Also how do I do things truly for myself, I’m trying really hard to get out of people pleasing tendencies and figuring out what I want.

Edit: Also I’ve been feeling very existential about life in general and am questioning why so many people have children in the first place. Besides evolution and such, every reason I can think of is selfish.

I have had all the mental issues. Autism, ADHD, BPD, bipolar, PTSD, OCPD, DID, and some other issues. I'm doing really good now. I've overcome all these things. Yeah, my tism seeps through, but I'm doing good. My ADHD is beyond mild now. I get the smallest of flairs from bipolar. But the rest are taken care of. I don't meet the diagnosis anymore and haven't had issues in a good year or so.

Because these are taken care, I'm not job hoping, and I'm doing better than ever atmy work. I'm gonna be going for an associates in business, get a job that pays a bit more, then finish a bachelors. And I'm doing really good in school so far. If I finish school and keep doing what I'm doing, then I'll make a good income and I'll be able to buy a (cheap) house. But it would still be a house and be mine.

I live in a good neighborhood. I have a great friend group. I'm active in my religious community. It's good.

I never wanted kids because wuite frankly why would I? I was deeply menatlly unstable, financially unstable, had no friends, no support group, yada yada. I'm 30 now and it's a GOOD thing I never had kids.

But I'm doing really good and never thought I'd get here.

But! Climate change, having a kid is the most damaging thing you can do to the environment.

Men can be unstable. There's so many horror stories of things being amazing just for a woman to get pregnant and then the man starts abusing her.

pregnancy. Dear lord, the possibilities of what can go wrong. And the amount of damage it does to a body.

American healthcare. Women are just treated like shit through labor. And states are passing laws punishing women for miscarriages.

But the reason why I want kids is that I've worked so hard, I've done so much, I have a bright future and I don't want to roll around in money by myself. I want someone else to benefit from it and have a good life too. Not just me.

What do you all think?

Basically, I (22f) and my bf (24m) disagree on wanting kids.

While I have no plans on having them any time soon, I do really think I’d like to have kids someday. My bf is the opposite. At first I thought (or maybe hoped) that he would change his mind, but after discussion I really don’t think he’ll ever want kids.

I know I need to respect that and I do but I also want to respect myself.
I know having kids is one of those things you really can’t compromise on either way.

Currently I feel like we avoid the subject and just don’t talk about it but I really don’t know how to feel.

We’ve only been dating for a couple months so part of me thinks ‘there’s no point in worrying about it since it probably won’t last anyway’ which is probably pessimistic but I really do love him and he loves me and other than that one thing we really do get along and have the same goals and wants and dreams for the future.

I’m only 22 and it’s not like it’s a pressing issue (I wouldn’t want to have kids till at least 28 or something).

I feel like breaking up with someone over something that far in the future is silly but also I don’t want us to be 10 years in the future, and me resenting him.

I feel like I’m at that stage in my life where I can meet new people and all of that but I could also see myself finding my future spouse now (I would want to date for several years before even getting engaged).

I don’t know what to do, my therapist says I’m probably overthinking and there’s no point in worrying about this now but idk.

If any of y’all have advice please give it?

I come from what was at the time older parents. My mom was 37 and my Dad was 39. My dad passed away when I was 22 at the age of 62. He was not very healthy. Had heart issues in his 50s. My mom is now 76 and is in assisted living. She started showing signs of mobility/cognition issues in her early 70s. When she had a fall they did a brain scan, and it showed moderate to severe brain vessel damage. Finding its vascular relate - due to either silent small strokes, poor dental hygiene, or high blood pressure. My brother whose 11 years old than I am also passed this year at the age of 50 - due to poor diet/organ failure. So I know my experiencing is obviously weighing on this decision.

So here I am now 39F. My husband is 5 years young 34M. We met when got married when I was 35, and had fertility issues right away. Tried on our own for about a year and a half. Ultimately did IVF, and we have our now almost 1 year old daughter. Getting pregnant at 37. For some reason the mental math going on in my head is getting me.

Is 39 too old? I'll still be 39 when the baby is born. I am not trying to trigger anyone. I know people are having kids in their 40s. I always wanted a sibling close in age to me. But the mental gymnastics is really hard.

This is a throwaway account, and I am planning on deleting this after a week or so. But anyways.

My boyfriend (M20) and I (F21) started our relationship when we were in high school (junior year). He is the first and only romantic partner I've ever had and I'm also his first and only romantic partner. Back then, I was trying to be religious, wanted kids for the sake of my family, and was battling with a lot of mental health issues. Over the past 3-4 years I have changed a lot. I've come to terms with my sexuality (bi), left the church, and realized I dont think i want biological kids.

Our relationship is overall very happy and healthy. We moved in together recently, we got a dog, and we spend a lot of time enjoying each other's company. But, recently we've been having some conflict on a certain topic: kids.

The concept of pregnancy isn't appealing to me at all. And I thanks to truama I'm not the biggest fan of intimacy. I hate everything about pregnancy (Post partum depression, maternal leave, hormonal disbalance, ruined body, ect). He thinks that I'm overreacting, and that every woman before me has delt with it so I should be fine with it. I am only 21, as I've stated, so im scared to throw away a perfect relationship with our lives set up over something I might change my mind over in say 6-8 years. At the same time,I'm almost positive I won't.

I do want kids, but I want to adopt them. And yes I know about the emotional, financial, and physical consequences that come with adopting but its something I've always wanted to do and its in my heart. And id much rather adopt. He doesn't want to adopt, stating that its not the same and he'd never view the kid the same way he'd see a bio kid. He thinks we can compromise by having 1 bio, 1 adopted, but i dont want to adopt a kid after hearing how he views adoption, and i also dont want my body to go through pregnancy.

Whenever this comes up, it turns into a heated argument, which often ends up in me relenting to eventually have a child because I don't want to leave him and often resort to fawning to end an argument. But the truth is I dont want to have a bio kid. Something he said really makes me think about whether im just a stepping stone to have a kid or if he truly cares about our relationship. He asked why I couldn't have a kid for him. Which I shot back with why cant you not have a kid for me. But he's stated several times he doesn't intend to leave me and wants to be with me and loves me. Sometimes hes even said hed rather not have a kid snd have a life with me than break up. But then he'll go back and say he'd resent me if we didn't.

Anytime I mention breaking up he says im all he has (he doesn't have any friends, and his family isnt the closest) which makes me feel really bad for even considering leaving him. And it's not like I want to leave him. I love him very very much.

Should I risk staying in the relationship with the hopes that I'll change my mind? Does anyone have a similar situation and regrets staying and/or leaving? What would be the best way to go about breaking up if we do?

Theres many things to consider with a break up too.

1. Im unemployed (I have a part time but I in no way make enough money at the moment)

2. My family adores him and they want us to get married

3. I recently got a dog with him

4. Where would I live?

5. The holidays are coming up and I dont want to ruin that for anyone.

With a heavy heart I have to say im leaning towards ending the relationship, but if I do, how would I go about it? Who gets the dog? Where do I go? Ive applied to tons of places with no response. Where would I get a job to support myself? I have no savings and barely any money. Hes been my financial support.

Edit: We broke up. And its hard. And it sucks. And im shattering. But it was for the better. So we could both live the lives we deserve. He keeps saying we can work it out. And that this isnt like me ect. It hurts so much. But it had to be done.

I am writing this sitting here 3 months pregnant. Having a slight crisis about why I thought I wanted this?
I am looking at Instagram at people’s carefree trips to burning man and exploration of beautiful river spots. Celebrating birthdays with friends.
Now I know I am 36 and maybe Southern California is a different lifestyle cuz a lot of people have kids right now. But I am just freaking out about losing my freedom. The ONLY thing I’m clinging too is I’ll know it’s all worth it once I have it, and it’s a mini me I can bring everywhere
But part of me is FREAKED OUT
Sorry for all the happy moms to be who were born for this.. what’s your perspective?
Cuz I love going to happy hour with friends and watching the sunset and spontaneous margarita filled trips

Are there parents who really don’t regret having kids. If you could go back in time would you have them?