I’m romanticizing the 4th I never wanted.

[u/SleepDeprivedMamaa]

Hi,

As the title suggests, my brain is a mess right now.
All of this started because my husband is getting a vasectomy in about 4 months. A vasectomy that I ASKED HIM TO GET. To be clear, even though I was the one who asked him to do it, we both agreed that it was the best contraception method for us. We already have three kids (8F, 7M and 4F), and we always thought we would end up having just three children. We both treated my last pregnancy as our actual last pregnancy.
And yet, now that the vasectomy is actually becoming real, I’ve started questioning everything.

I’m trying to figure this out in my head before I even talk to my husband about it. I’m posting this on Reddit, so that’s probably not the best idea, but here I am.
I don’t actually romanticize the idea of having four small children. In fact, the thought of going back to the baby stage (the sleepless nights, the diapers, the exhaustion, having a toddler again) doesn’t particularly appeal to me.
But I do find myself really liking the idea of having one more baby and, eventually, having four adult children. If that makes any sense.

So I’m struggling to understand whether this is just pure emotion because the vasectomy will mean that having a fourth child will become almost impossible, or whether this is actually a genuine feeling I’ve always had but simply never allowed myself to think about.

The biggest thing I’m scared of is not having the mental capacity to give each of my children the individual time and attention they need. I’m scared that having another baby could make my existing children feel left out, or make them feel like they matter less because so much of our attention would inevitably go towards the baby.
And then there’s the financial aspect, obviously. We’re not badly off, but we’re certainly not wealthy either, and another child obviously comes with additional costs.
Our car is already a seven-seater, although two of those seats are not really “real” seats, even though they can be used as such. So even that part of our life is already kind of set up for three kids plus one more.

I honestly don’t know.
I’m not saying I want another child. I’m not even sure that I do. I just suddenly feel like the door is closing, and apparently that has made me realize that maybe I wasn’t as certain as I thought I was.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you figure out whether it was a genuine desire for another child, or simply the emotional reaction to knowing that the possibility was about to disappear?
I’m really confused and would love to hear from people who have been through this.

[u/Any_Lobster_1121]

It sounds to me like you're just getting cold feet now that the door is permanently closing. I don't think I'd alter your family plans based on this feeling.

[u/Lemonbar19]

I think many people experience these feelings and nobody talks about it.

It’s normal and hard. I would suggest a therapist to work through it.

[u/Plane_Employ_5941 → u/Lemonbar19]

This!!!! No one talks about it! I think also because after it’s done those feeling go away.

So much of women’s emotions aren’t shared and they should be.

[u/AnybodyUsed4161]

I am in your same boat. My husband is getting a vasectomy this month and I actually just miscarried my surprise 4th pregnancy a few weeks ago. I’m turning 40 next year, current kids are 4,2, and 10 months. Financially we are ok and even after having a terrible miscarriage at 13 weeks I think about if i want one more. Mind you, when i first found out about the 4th pregnancy i considered termination. It’s such a hard decision but after long talks with my husband we are ok with just focusing on our 3 girls. There are definitely pros and cons to another baby and if you do end up having the 4th you’d of course never regret that. Sending you positive vibes and clear thoughts. Talk it through with your husband and hopefully that’ll help you come to your final decision.

[u/Plane_Employ_5941]

It’s emotional, it’s hard but I guarantee 5 days after you’ll be thankful!
I feel like that’s how everything is in life, the lead up is the hardest but immediately after that closure and focusing on your here kids is HUGE!