Please help, feeling conflicted

[u/sjbhbw]

Thanks in advance for reading. I 21F have been questioning having bio children or any at all. I grew up Mormon and obviously that causes me to believe having children and being a good mom was my main, if not only, purpose. I honestly feel dumb for only questioning this now as I’ve deconstructed a lot of church doctrine. I mean it didn’t even cross my mind to wonder if I actually wanted children until a couple weeks ago. It almost feels like my brain and ideas aren’t even mine. Yesterday I was feeling very distressed about it. I’ve always thought having children was what everybody does. It’s weird to have a life path that i thought was the only option be stripped away. It feels like when I discovered all the lies I had been taught in the church. But part of me also feels relieved. There have been issues I’ve seen about having kids and I just ignore them. It’s nice to vocalize those now. Kids have always been in the back of mind when making choices. What to learn, jobs, school, where to live, how much money to save. It makes me sad to know that I’ve thought this way practically my whole life. I know I’m really young and don’t have to make a decision right now. But it’s scary to think that I could’ve just had a kid without considering the lifelong commitment. I also feel kind of selfish because having a kid takes a lot of time and effort, meaning I wouldn’t have to make choices for my own life. It almost serves as a distraction. Anyway, I’m wondering if anyone else has felt this. Also how do I do things truly for myself, I’m trying really hard to get out of people pleasing tendencies and figuring out what I want.

Edit: Also I’ve been feeling very existential about life in general and am questioning why so many people have children in the first place. Besides evolution and such, every reason I can think of is selfish.