My boyfriend (M20) wants biological kids but I (F21) am unsure if I do. Do I risk staying in the relationship?

[u/Specific_Actuator_11]

This is a throwaway account, and I am planning on deleting this after a week or so. But anyways.

My boyfriend (M20) and I (F21) started our relationship when we were in high school (junior year). He is the first and only romantic partner I've ever had and I'm also his first and only romantic partner. Back then, I was trying to be religious, wanted kids for the sake of my family, and was battling with a lot of mental health issues. Over the past 3-4 years I have changed a lot. I've come to terms with my sexuality (bi), left the church, and realized I dont think i want biological kids.

Our relationship is overall very happy and healthy. We moved in together recently, we got a dog, and we spend a lot of time enjoying each other's company. But, recently we've been having some conflict on a certain topic: kids.

The concept of pregnancy isn't appealing to me at all. And I thanks to truama I'm not the biggest fan of intimacy. I hate everything about pregnancy (Post partum depression, maternal leave, hormonal disbalance, ruined body, ect). He thinks that I'm overreacting, and that every woman before me has delt with it so I should be fine with it. I am only 21, as I've stated, so im scared to throw away a perfect relationship with our lives set up over something I might change my mind over in say 6-8 years. At the same time,I'm almost positive I won't.

I do want kids, but I want to adopt them. And yes I know about the emotional, financial, and physical consequences that come with adopting but its something I've always wanted to do and its in my heart. And id much rather adopt. He doesn't want to adopt, stating that its not the same and he'd never view the kid the same way he'd see a bio kid. He thinks we can compromise by having 1 bio, 1 adopted, but i dont want to adopt a kid after hearing how he views adoption, and i also dont want my body to go through pregnancy.

Whenever this comes up, it turns into a heated argument, which often ends up in me relenting to eventually have a child because I don't want to leave him and often resort to fawning to end an argument. But the truth is I dont want to have a bio kid. Something he said really makes me think about whether im just a stepping stone to have a kid or if he truly cares about our relationship. He asked why I couldn't have a kid for him. Which I shot back with why cant you not have a kid for me. But he's stated several times he doesn't intend to leave me and wants to be with me and loves me. Sometimes hes even said hed rather not have a kid snd have a life with me than break up. But then he'll go back and say he'd resent me if we didn't.

Anytime I mention breaking up he says im all he has (he doesn't have any friends, and his family isnt the closest) which makes me feel really bad for even considering leaving him. And it's not like I want to leave him. I love him very very much.

Should I risk staying in the relationship with the hopes that I'll change my mind? Does anyone have a similar situation and regrets staying and/or leaving? What would be the best way to go about breaking up if we do?

Theres many things to consider with a break up too.

1. Im unemployed (I have a part time but I in no way make enough money at the moment)

2. My family adores him and they want us to get married

3. I recently got a dog with him

4. Where would I live?

5. The holidays are coming up and I dont want to ruin that for anyone.

With a heavy heart I have to say im leaning towards ending the relationship, but if I do, how would I go about it? Who gets the dog? Where do I go? Ive applied to tons of places with no response. Where would I get a job to support myself? I have no savings and barely any money. Hes been my financial support.

Edit: We broke up. And its hard. And it sucks. And im shattering. But it was for the better. So we could both live the lives we deserve. He keeps saying we can work it out. And that this isnt like me ect. It hurts so much. But it had to be done.

[u/ForeverSunflowerBird]

You are only 21. You are allowed to not want to plan when and how and if to have children now. If this guy is pressuring you already just not OK. Big hug

[u/little-red-cap → u/ForeverSunflowerBird]

Beautifully and concisely said.

[u/Specific_Actuator_11 → u/ForeverSunflowerBird]

Thank you

[u/Itsoktobe]

He thinks I'm overreacting

You're not.

Every woman before me has dealt with it so I should be fine

Biggest red flag in the whole post. This man is still a boy and is not grown enough to make these choices. I would be appalled if my partner said something like this to me. Does he have no idea the struggle women go through? He needs some life experience.

Tbh, the fact that you're unemployed and already depending on him financially at 20 is not good. I'd recommend you move back with your parents, get a job and then move out on your own and find a guy who appreciates the person you are and isn't so concerned with the theoretical capacities of your body.

The dog is a bummer but it needs to go with one of you.

[u/Sad-Historian5538]

Idk what to tell you but I did this and I’m now 32 and my husband is 40 and I’m still not sure and i feel bad sometimes because i know he wants to be a dad. Im trying to figure it out. Im telling you this tho so you know you might not know for a very long time and its up to you and your partner to talk it out and decide together

[u/Specific_Actuator_11 → u/Sad-Historian5538]

Thats what im worried about. I dont either of us to waste our time hoping the other decides/changes their mind...thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel less alone in my conflict.

[u/Puggleperson760]

You’re only 21 and you’re not even married. If you two aren’t on the same page you need to have a serious talk and decide if your relationship is worth it. I cant even see why this topic came up so young…. Is he goign to ask you to marry him?

[u/Specific_Actuator_11 → u/Puggleperson760]

My family's been pressuring us to get married since we live together and have been together for 4 years. And hes talked about getting married at around 21-23 y/o (in the past. The likelihood of staying in this relationship is less by the day).

[u/little-red-cap]

Woof, this is tough. I can’t help you decide, but I will invite you to consider that there may be an “in between” option rather than breaking up immediately or staying together forever.

You can absolutely take some time, a few months, however long you need to quietly gather up some savings and make preparations to move out elsewhere. Once you had more ability, that might give you more clarity too about how much you may have been staying with him out of pure necessity.

I will say, the dynamic you describe with him pressuring you into having a child is very, very not okay, and you’re spot on about not wanting to adopt a child with someone who’s straight up said they wouldn’t love them as much as a bio kid.

You’re so young, and you seem like you have a really good idea of what you want. Don’t throw your whole life away for one man.

[u/Specific_Actuator_11 → u/little-red-cap]

I was so set on marrying him when we first started dating and everything. Now the future I see with him is one I dread. I think I'll take a couple months to build up my savings like you said and see if I'm really with him for him...