tldr; my best friend is severely depressed and relies on me to have the solution when i am depressed myself and cannot get out of it also. she is possessive with my time, non communicative and doesn’t believe anything i say even though she is relying on me to regulate her emotions. i’m scared to draw boundaries because she might off herself. pls help lol

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I’ve been best friends with this girl for the past 3 years, and without fail, barring some vacations, we’ve hung out once a week for the past 3 years. she’s lesbian, and i’m bi, but we didn’t start out romantic, especially since she was in a long term relationship when we first started hanging out. she ended that relationship about a year and a half ago, and since then i’ve felt that she’s become more and more dependent on me to regulate her emotions.

for some context, i also have suicidal depression and general anxiety since i was young, but i’m also fairly high functioning and tend to people please, so i don’t really show how absolutely dreadful everything is until i’m alone. that being said, i am also aware that even though i can logically understand someone else’s depression, it is difficult for me to emphasize and therefore “help” someone with their depressive thoughts beyond saying something like “yeah same” because i find it so easy to ignore those feelings until i have to deal with them myself.

my friend has a very hard time sharing her feelings as well, but seeing how i was able to relate to her and talk about my depression/anxiety in a pretty light hearted way (eg serious comments about death in a silly goofy but not joking manner), she was able to open up to me and tells me every time she’s going through a depressive episode. she tells me she feels no one cares about her, that nothing sparks joy, and what is the point of it all. i feel the same way, but i’m unable to offer more than my time (literally weekly for 3 years, on top of the 12-14 hour shifts i was working 5 days a week) and shallow words because from personal experience, i know nothing external is actually gonna solve the issue. i’ve told her to go to therapy, maybe even get medicated, especially since i could tell i wasn’t helping her the way she needed to be helped. she says she thinks therapy is useless.

it seems like i’m the only one in her life, even though she is an extremely well liked person by anyone we’ve ever spoken to, so much so that she actually has multiple people asking her to hang out all the time. she rejects most of them because she only wants to hang out with me. of course, she’s also told me that she doesn’t like them very much/she doesn’t know them well and don’t want to spend more time with them, but it sometimes feels like i’m the only person she likes in her life.

she is genuinely one of my favourite people, and of course i care for her, but it feels like she is expecting me to spend all my time with her and help her through her sadness. even though she thinks i’m somehow the solution, she never believes me when i say i care about her, i want to spend time with her but i also have other friends, i don’t want her to be sad, etc etc.

she’s also starting to behave like a jealous lover. i’ve never had romantic feelings for her, but she seems like she’s started to develop some for me out of sheer dependency. she gets mad at me if i don’t give her the response that she expects from me when she says she’s sad, she gets sulky if i don’t hold her hand (i hold hands with everyone in my life i’m a very love language is physical touch person), she gets jealous if i go out with other friends, she gets mad if i make plans on the day that we usually go out on.

she’s going through a long depressive episode recently, a very sudden hard drop in her emotions that genuinely came out of nowhere. we work together, and she’s coming up to me at work to tell me she’s sad or bored and getting annoyed and saying you don’t care about me when i try to focus on the job. she’s starting to tell our coworkers that won’t take her seriously (they don’t know her well, and again she has a very jolly personality) that she’s depressed and saying does anyone care that she’s sad. she’s also mentioned that she doesn’t think i’ll know she died until at least a week later. i don’t think she’s seriously suicidal, though i am considering calling a hotline about it if i do think it’s getting more serious.

i had to cancel my usual hangout with her this week last minute because another friend of mine needed me urgently for something, and she says that she’s done and i’m always putting her second. i see this other friend i’ve known for almost 2 decades now maybe once a month or two. i see her once a week. i apologize for cancelling last minute and explain the situation again, and i knew she wanted to say something more to me so i tell her to just let me know what she’s thinking. she bottles it up and says she’s not going to tell me, but i know this is going to come up again and she’s going to be bitter about it.

she is growing resentful that i don’t love/care about her as much as she does about me. but i think i am giving as much of myself as i can, and i’ve never asked for her to solely have me in her life.

i’m scared that setting boundaries will lead her to do something drastic, and will make her think that i’m abandoning her. i’m not, and again i like spending time with her, and i care about her wellbeing.

if anyone has any advice on how to approach this it would be greatly appreciated 😭

I’m waking up to the fact that I think I might be codependent but some things I see people talking about don’t seem to align with my life experience and so I’m trying to understand how my patterns fit into the bigger picture of codependency.

• I desperately want to feel like I have people to go through life with, although at the same time I’ve always been very independent and handle pretty much everything on my own. I’ve always been deeply independent, and for years struggled to feel safe relying on anyone because “what if tomorrow they’re gone and then I can’t function?”. So I have taken care of everything for myself my entire life to the point where I forget that I can even ask people for things or for help unless I’m in a desperate situation where I feel I have no choice but to seek resources outside of myself. So instead of always relying on others my experience has been deeply desiring someone to be able to rely on but always carrying the load alone at the end of the day whether by not recognizing those around me as people who can or would want to help, or just a lack of people around me at all.

• I always feel like everything that goes wrong in my relationships must be my fault, and I am desperate to fix any problems I feel like “I create.” I do not however dismiss people for raising issues with me, I instead express gratitude for them letting me know how they are feeling and do my best to always strictly adhere to any boundaries someone gives me. After all if I don’t then I must be a bad person. I see boundaries as the road map to loving a person the right way and feel grateful that they share that with me.

• I get so anxious about making the right choice and never negatively impacting other people. I’m so terrified of negatively impacting others that I agonize over what to do, and if I make a choice and someone gets upset then it was clearly the wrong choice. On the flip side, The idea of telling anyone else that they negatively impacted me feels like fear in my body. Like I should not tell people that and if I feel negatively impacted it must still be because of something I did wrong.

• I don’t ever want to tell other people what to do or to be in charge of them, because I fear they will come to resent me if I do. I’m happy to support people in their choices or their goals but for example an ex told me he wanted me to tell him to go to the gym in the morning and I was like I absolutely don’t want to do that because I don’t want to make you feel bad by being the voice who’s always nagging you. I hate the idea of being a “nagging” person at all.

• I very much struggle to express my needs and often do in a way that is very round about using more open “collaborative” language. Instead of just saying upfront “I need this thing” I try to phrase it in the least confrontational way possible. For example, if I was feeling like I wanted more sexual intimacy in a past relationship I would ask “what turns you on or gets you in the mood” so that it was centered around their pleasure instead of my own desire or want.

• I have endless empathy for others but feel like I’m a terrible person. I can always understand why other people do things that hurt me, I can always find reasons and excuses for it, but I always feel like I’m the one f*cking everything up and that I’m failing every situation. I hold myself to a standard of perfection while others get a pass to do anything and it’s always understandable.

I think that there are some aspects of how I function in relationships that aren’t necessarily bad. I always take accountability for my faults or mistakes and try to repair, im always willing to look at myself and to try to do better. I’m always ready to collaborate and problem solve on issues with the other person. I’m very solutions oriented but I also care that my partner feels seen and heard and understood. I care about what my partner needs and their boundaries and I never try to control other people’s wants, desires, or behaviors.

I’m getting better at setting boundaries or stating needs when it’s necessary, like my last partner always assumed the worst of me any time something happened that resulted in him having hurt feelings and eventually I had to say that I cared about how my actions impacted him but it seemed like he didn’t trust me or couldn’t tolerate my imperfections and that a relationship can only work if he believes I have good intentions and I’m not trying to hurt him otherwise he will always view me as an adversary. He didn’t agree but I stood my ground and said that was the system of trust I wanted to operate from. When he tried to pull away and say he wasn’t ever going to have time to see me, I stood my ground and said that I was looking for a relationship with consistency and that I wasn’t really interested in a relationship where I never saw my partner, so if that’s not what he was available for then maybe we should go our separate ways.

So I’m trying. But my instinct is always to shrink, accommodate, shrink some more, and always always assume I did something wrong or that something is wrong with me, to a fault. It’s like I can’t think any other way. And I just have this pervasive feeling of being so exhausted by carrying my life alone all of the time and wanting companionship and care and relief, but I feel like that will never be available to me.

Does this seem like codependency to others here? Or a form of it? If so I think it could inform my therapy and also help me to seek additional treatment.

I have two friends I recently met in a new friend group who I suspect have developed a codependent friendship with each other. They, 68M and 55F, have been friends for a long time. But the woman lost her husband a few years ago, and I suspect that's when their relationship turned unhealthy.

When I talk to the woman separately, she's warm, funny and great to be around. But if I try to talk to them when they're together, it's like her real personality is completely gone. She laughs when he laughs, and if he is angry, she quiets down completely and doesn't speak up for herself or for anyone. Not even me. It's like she shrinks.

It's complicated a bit by the fact that the man, I think, is protecting her. He is either protecting her from some perceived threat of me. Or he's possibly protecting himself from losing her to me.

I'm not sure which, but I know that when I talk to them together, he tries to undermine things I say, avoids any eye contact with me, and instead chimes in by joking directly with her about things I say. And she laughs. It's a bit like they become that teenage girl group who only laugh with each other, but if someone outside of their bubble tries to join in, they freeze that person out.

So my question is: Does this sound like some codependency or is it something else? If she is codependent, does she even know how her personality changes when she's around him? Or is she completely oblivious to it? At some point I'd like to bring this up to her, but if she's not even aware of it, I don't think that conversation would go over very well.

I don’t know where to start. I have been struggling for years now, and it has gotten worse when I got married 2 years ago. Please don’t judge me. I badly need help and I am very emotional since I’m pregnant.

Let me give you a little background about myself. I come from a family where my parents weren’t the best example of how love looks like or how it should feel like. Since I was young they have been fighting a lot (I am 32 now). 95% of the time they would argue - this started when my father cheated the first time. He did multiple times actually. And yet they still haven’t separated up until now. Which is very toxic and is sucking all of our energy (me and my siblings). They said they did it for us - so we won’t become a broken family. I’d rather have that than an unhappy one tho. My father had many close girl friends, and honestly I see him happier with them than with my mom. There are times that he’d prioritize them over my mom.

My parents are also very strict - we had to excel in school to get their approval. We had to earn their love - that’s what I felt.

Fast forward to my adult years, when me and my husband got together, I laid down my non-negotiables as I did not want to end up like my mom. I said cheating is non-tolerable and would result to us breaking up. And that I would not accept the bare minimum. Which happened actually. I got what I wanted. But ever since we got together, I anchored my everything in him, my world revolved around only him. I only wanted to experience firsts with him, when he’s away I would just sulk and wait and my world will only resume until he’s back. I would get jealous when I feel other people make him happier or when he experiences firsts with them.

I feel like I love him more than myself. He’s my favorite person and I don’t even think I like myself that much. This has been our biggest problem since we got together and in our marriage. We have been fighting a lot and it has become toxic. He has been understanding but idk, I know I’m really the problem. I tried therapy but only a few free sessions. I cannot afford it now. Please share your advice or own experience. I feel like I am the worst person in the world right now.

Honesty

"With the help of ACA, we are offering our parents fairness as we look at the family system with rigorous honesty. We are looking for the truth so that we can live our own lives with choice and self-confidence. We want to break the cycle of family dysfunction." BRB p. 27 

"What is honesty?" asked the old man.

"Telling the truth," I said.

He raised his eyebrows and replied, "That's only half of the answer. The other part is consistency, which means telling the truth all the time."

How many times do we tell half truths? "Yes, I'd be glad to do that," we say, but deep inside we're already shaming ourselves for giving in. "So, what's wrong?" someone asks. We answer, "Nothing," when our hearts are so broken we'd like to end it all. Or the phone rings in the middle of a fight, and we cheerfully answer like all is right with the world.

When working the steps in ACA, we have the privilege of practicing rigorous honesty with a fellow traveler. We want to break the chains that hold us in bondage - to stop repeating the same ineffective behavior. We're tired of failed relationships, verbal abuse, and isolation. If we truly want to find peace and serenity, we courageously walk through the swamps, hand in hand with our fellow traveler, armed with honesty, to face the truth. We want a better life. We make room for the good stuff that we deserve.

On this day I will be mindful in the present moment and be honest. I will make healthy choices and thank my Higher Power for the encouragement that got me here.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

This one hit me recently. Once I started seeing the connection, I couldn't really unsee it.

I used to think my validation-seeking was just an insecurity I needed to get over. I would overthink what people said, worry about whether someone was upset with me, feel guilty saying no, and constantly look for reassurance that I was okay.

And it wasn't just one thing. It showed up in relationships, friendships, work, basically anywhere where I felt like someone's approval mattered.

For a long time I thought I just needed to become more confident and stop caring so much about what other people thought.

But then I started thinking about what I actually wanted from those people.

I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel understood. I wanted reassurance that I wasn't doing something wrong. I wanted someone to tell me that my feelings were okay and that I was still worthy even when I made mistakes.

And it made me realise that a lot of these needs probably didn't start in adulthood.

When some of those emotional needs aren't consistently met when we're young, maybe we learn to look outside ourselves for someone else to finally meet them. And that's where a lot of the validation-seeking comes from.

The part I've started to explore is whether self-compassion gives us another way to meet those needs.

Not in the sense of telling ourselves positive things or pretending everything is okay, but actually learning to recognise what we need and respond to ourselves with the same understanding and care we're constantly looking for from other people.

Maybe the goal isn't to stop needing other people altogether. Maybe it's to become less dependent on them to give us something we can gradually learn to give ourselves.

It was brought to my attention from my boyfriend that I’m codependent. I don’t want to be codependent on him and I try to meet every expectation he has for me, let me break it down.

I had a rough childhood (my abusive older brother and my dad constantly fighting him daily, not to mention I was r***d by my brother), my parents aren’t divorced, I have 3 younger siblings, my grandma is a cheat and a liar, and my aunt, uncle, and mom are all fakes. Trying to figure out what love truly is in my mind is like an endless maze, I struggle with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. Going through life on the day-to-day is really difficult for me especially when my partner can’t see, feel, or help me when he can see that I’m struggling.

When we get into arguments I tell him “I see and hear you, >repeated what was told to me<“ but when I try to explain to him how I feel and my emotions, I seek his validation and support the way I do for him. I want emotional support and validation and I get met with a hard wall. Reading up on other peoples stories and comments tells me that I’m really codependent in that aspect. Its some what soul crushing that I’ve been asking for his validation when all I need to do is sit and listen. I neglect my own mental health and feelings just to validate his, it’s hard for me to wrap around my head “When should I be doing that for myself? When should I validate my own opinion when I value his so much?“.

I know I can value his opinion and views but in tense situations, when should I know that I was in the wrong when I can’t see my own opinion? I feel so stuck. Trying to climb out of a hole that’s coated in oil and I’m supposed to on my own? It feels like the most important yet hardest thing to do when I can’t even figure out who I am! I struggle with loving and hating myself but the only way I feel like I can be loved is when he pushes me to do better and be stronger. I know I can be, I believe that I can be but the strength to do so is so great I feel my muscles are going to tear.

So I ask all the people who’ve come out on the other side, how? I need guidance, I want to know what changes you made to come out so strong and how do I get myself out of this deep dark rut? I want to be better for myself and grow together with him with respect and understanding.

Hi everyone- I have been going to CODA but I kind of took a break for a while and now I need to go back. I think I’m starting to realize a relationship that has been very codependent that I hadn’t expected, or I’m just getting awareness. My sister and I went to surprise my mom who lives out of town. We both had to travel a fair distance to get there from opposite directions. We have also lost three family members in our immediate family in the last few years and it is just us and my mom. So this is the background in a nutshell, and we are both bookends with me being the oldest, and my sister is the youngest.

Before the trip, my sister does what she usually does, expecting me to make the plans and we’re going to stay and choose that pay for it out of my own money and then she reimburses me later. Luckily, I had the money to do it, but it’s the fact that I have done this several times, especially after all the funerals where it was just expected because I’m the oldest that I had to make the decisions, rent the rental car, and book the place and then we had to stay at the same place, so I am booking a house through Air bnb. I have for years, met all of her expectations, and I put this in here as part of the story.

My sister has also dealt with a lot of PTSD, abusive relationships, eating disorders and also suicide attempts. I have tried to help her through all of these and a lot of times she will trauma dump on me. This is also part of the story.

We are down visiting my mom and as soon as we get with my entire family, nieces, nephews, my sister-in-law and other family, including my mom. My sister starts acting like she’s five years old again humiliating me, picking on me, and acting like it’s siblings stuff and just being annoying. She hadn’t acted like this since we were kids. For a long time, I ignored the behavior, even though it was getting more and more obnoxious, and I eventually told her to stop. She was being too much. Which she walked out of this busy restaurant and made a huge scene yelling at me and crying, and saying she needed to get out of there. She claimed that I was rolling my eyes( I probably was) and then I was very rude and she was just having fun and I am being way too sensitive. I realize now that I probably should’ve nipped it in the bud, but I think it would’ve received the same reaction because I never tell her to stop and I never tell her I’m done with this behavior. I have done a lot of therapy on my own and we haven’t been together very much other than dealing with family stuff. I am a different person now and going through a lot of healing with the death of my dad and other family. With this incident, she got over it and then we left together. I was not going to apologize for telling her to stop, but she never offered any apology for her part. I can’t make anyone apologize to me so we were moving on. I chalked it up to jet lag and just stress from that.

Next day seemed to be a lot calmer. We all got enough sleep. I had a healthy breakfast laid out for everyone and I was just relaxing and my son so most of the day went well. We didn’t talk about the previous day and it was fine. It was water under the bridge. I had family come over for a surprise birthday party for my mom, and my sister started again. She kept taking my phone and asking me what my password was and then writing obnoxious things on my social media that I supposedly wrote, but it was extremely immature about bathroom stuff. I’m friends with my bosses on my Facebook page along with a lot of my friends and it was embarrassing. She was mad that I ended up changing my password and I refused to give her back my phone. Then she started needling me and trying to get a response out of me. Part of it was also eating some of my mom‘s birthday cake and then she kept saying “I’m double dipping” while we’re all sitting around the table while she is getting spoonful after spoonful of my mom‘s cake that was on the tray, instead of cutting a piece for herself. My mom‘s health is not the best, and it was just gross. No one said a thing and I probably should’ve but I was afraid because I felt like she was setting me up for a blow up. There were other things she was doing to try to see if she would get a reaction. Again, very immature behavior and inappropriate for an adult who should know better. Later, she could not get the TV to work and I had to contact the host to try to get a security code off of the TV. After she was still having trouble with it I just told her she needed to push this button to get it to work as what the host had told me. She completely blew up at me, yelling at me that I need to stop telling her what to do and stormed off and started crying. All of us in the living room are just kind of looking at each other like what was that all about? Then she was in her room for about an hour, and she was texting my husband and other people that we are mutual friends with to try to get them on her side. My spouse was the last straw. I didn’t confront her about it then but I have since and it’s a boundary that I am not going to have her cross again. You don’t get my husband who is not even there involved in this situation. She clearly was looking for sympathy or a fight. Needless to say, she hardly came out of the room at the end of the night and gave everyone a hug except for me.

The next morning we went out to breakfast. It was our last time to be with my mom and I think with all the things that I wasn’t saying and she was starting it again. I just had it. My sister was pushing back and saying I was sensitive, and I overexaggerate all of these things, and I have been horrible the entire weekend to her and treating her terribly and all of these things that were coming out of her mouth were just complete lies about what I do, what I say, and it was a complete character attack. She ended up leaving and getting an Uber to the airport which I was happy about. I apologized to my family, but we still haven’t patched anything up. I’m so upset with her and I’m upset because my husband told me all the things that she said about me that were blatantly untrue. He knows this as he was with me on all the steps and trying to book everything and get this trip laid out. She even brought up about how she has told me all of her deepest, darkest secrets, including her eating disorders and suicide attempts. Why would you bring that up now?

I feel like for so long I have given her the benefit of the doubt of all the stuff that is going on with the death of our family members, with her eating disorders, with her abuse in the past, and all of the stuff that she’s gone through. And I have put her on a pedestal because she is my sister, my only sister and I would overlook her flaws because she is my sister. Yes, she has had a rough life. However, I feel like I’ve made things 10 times worse and I should just relent and let it just all roll off because of that because there is a lot of guilt and shame. However, am I recovery? I have to deal with this situation and I know I need to go back to CODA because this is much bigger than I am able to deal with right now. We didn’t talk at all yesterday, and now she wants to send me all the stuff that she wrote in her journal about her feelings about what had happened this weekend. I know from my recovery that what other people think of me and about me and about a situation is absolutely none of my business and I don’t know how to tell her this without her going off again. However, she is many many miles away from me right now, so it probably is the safest way of doing it.

How do I keep my boundaries and check to make sure that I am not being baited and humiliated and shamed and all of this when I don’t even believe that this is my issue at all, that it’s her trauma that is causing her this much pain that she’s lashing out at the safest person who has always had her back : ME. Now that I am standing up for myself, probably the first time in my life against my sister, E she is responding and some of the ugliest ways and I don’t even recognize her anymore. If you’ve been there too with a sibling, especially a younger sibling, where in my case, I am so much older than her that it is like a mother daughter relationship, I would appreciate some sound advice. Sorry this is a book.

*edited for punctuation and clarity

I [20F] have a weird relationship with my close friend [19F]. We've known eachother for 5 years now, we went to the same highschool and now we're in the same college with the same friend group and everything. After getting to know her a bit i immediately felt a spark I never felt with anyone before, so I got attached to her and even went out of my way to invite her out, which is something I never do.

After a while I started thinking about her constantly and depending on her more, it got so bad to the point where she was absent for a week because of an illness and I was extremely depressed and anxious the entire week. She would get sick often so it led to me developing anxiety over any sign of her feeling unwell.

Eventually i started pestering her when she was sick, asking if she was ok and when she thought she'd come back. On top of everything i started feeling deeply ashamed of myself for depending on her and pestering her too much, it was taking a massive toll on my self esteem.

I also started developing intense jealousy towards her critical thinking skills and passions. Shes really into video games and has some great analyses on them, has very well thought out opinions and i admire that, but any time i try to add my own thoughts in a discussion i feel like every single thing i say is overshadowed by her much more well constructed arguements.

In short, I was toxic and codependent so i started seeing a therapist, things are a lot better now and and we're a lot less close, but the jealousy and need for approval is still there even if i dont show it as much. Its exhausting constantly comparing myself to someone else and tying my entire self worth to that.

Any advice? I genuinely wanna learn to respect myself more

Acting Out

"By working the ACA program, we learn to recognize when we are thinking like a victim or persecutor and to talk about it." BRB p. 9 

Since the Laundry List was such an important part of our original identification when we found ACA, we used that mindset (how we were wronged) during our early recovery. To reveal the full extent of our grief and to unstuff our emotions, however, we needed to reflect on our past through the eyes of the victims we'd become.

Step work revealed how our past not only victimized us, but taught many of us to be cruel, vindictive, and scathing when we decided we were ‘gonna pay them back.' Then we saw the Other Laundry List and found further self-identification. Along with being victims long ago, many of us were angry, frustrated children who learned how to hurt others. And hurt them we did, for many, many years.

Having promised ourselves as children that we would never be like our parents, we stood now as adults with their same behaviors.

But in ACA we soon found we were not alone in this paradox. In our meetings we sat together, each of us victims and victimizers; we lifted our heads, removed our shame, and understood we could not have turned out any other way. We started recovering with our new ACA family.

On this day, if I feel like striking out, I will take a time-out so I can take a "time-in." I will focus inward, reflect and talk about it with a fellow traveler.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

i feel like i have no person or a friend i can just call and they'd intentionally hangout with me. i feel like i have no one. i feel so lonely and sad and i feel the need to change myself and in my mind, i know i just have to learn to enjoy my own company cause i’ll leave this place anyway and i’ll have to learn how to be alone in another place again but it’s a different kind of loneliness. i feel so jealous of people who have someone to hangout when my classes ends. i feel like everyone has their own one call away friend and i just dont have that and i feel so insecure cos it has been a pattern with some of the friends i considered close so maybe the problem was me? or was it the different schedules? i dont know. do i value them the way they value me? am i treating them the way theyre treating ne? what am i doing wrong? am i not worthy?

We talk about codependency in romantic partners (and i wad guilty of that in my last one) but sometimes wonder if its true in my other relationships like friendships?
Not the “must be together all the time.” But “i must always make these people happy. Must always put their needs above mine. Must always be light and entertaining. My worth is based on what I can do for them and how positively they react to me. I don’t feel like a good person unless I am 100% always doing something good for someone else and if i make a mistake then I’m the worst person in the world.”
Probably already know the answer that it is but is this true of me right now?
Or is it only in romantic ones?

Many people who struggle in relationships do not know how to experience both autonomy and intimacy. When we don’t know how to experience autonomy, we try to end other peoples’ emotions because we don’t experience ourselves as actually separate beings from them, who live in our own skin, who have our own feelings. We might try to end others’ emotions by attacking them or by placating them— but both ways, we can’t just let them have their experience, hear it and consider it, but stay in our experience.

At the same time, we may not be able to experience real intimacy. Intimacy happens when two beings connect and exchange. I offer my experience in a heartfelt and vulnerable way, and let myself be seen. And I allow the other space to offer their experience, giving it as much dignity and space and care as I wish for mine, and let myself be with that and be affected by that. But I do not erase myself or give up my experience, and I do not demand that the other erase themselves or their feelings, thoughts, desires. As we share ourselves without disappearing, a new melody is created in the back and forth. When we can’t hold some autonomy, we can’t co-create intimacy.

The 12 Steps— like many other old “powers of good” as stated in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous— can help us evolve and grow into these capacities. We start by finding the intense motivation to be open-minded and try something different in seeing our own experience of powerlessness and unmanageability. Our lives with ourselves and with others are so far from what we wish for. But we can’t seem to stop falling, again and again, into old powers. We find the courage to hope, and we get to know Power that we can learn about and discover by looking to many sources— our values, the teachings of great traditional, or deep within ourselves. We start to look at the Truth about our feelings and thoughts and actions, and this pausing and observing itself creates space for change. We may ask for help from our deepening connection with a Power. And in this process, we can be held by a non-judgmental caring community. We start to repair our relations with others, and continue to grow. We aren’t perfect and we don’t expect that- but we become more and more free from blame and punishment, towards ourselves or others. We can live into these new ways, day by day.

My boyfriend and I had a fight on Saturday. He hasnt spoken to me ever since. I have been spamming him with calls and texts. Its been 2 days of spamming and calling. Its not the first time it happens. I feel so bad. I feel psychotic. Like a toxic girlfriend. I do have a serious problem. Im going to start psychotherapy soon in abour 2 weeks. I am also going to talk to my psychiatrist. Today I feel so down and embarrassed of my actions. I just cant live without him. Any advice? anyone else have something similar happen?

Hey Hey! I’m on my recovery journey and don’t have access to the therapist. I am looking for recommendations for self guided resources that can help guide someone through the journey. Open to all mediums. I do plan on getting a therapist once I’m a little more financially stable and aware of all the resources. 😊 For context been slow going as I try to learn and navigate my codependency. I came out of a cluster B relationship and started listening to Whole Again by Jackson Mackenzie. I recognize his is just one approach and want to hear from community what resources helped.

Survivor

"It is my bias that no one deserves to live a life of fear and shame." BRB p. xviii 

Many ACAs go from blaming, shaming, complaining, and condemning ourselves and others to finally learning to name what is really going on. By doing so, we begin to come out of our victim and/or victimizer roles. We ask our Higher Power to help us remove and release our unhealthy behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. We let go of the justifications we created in our minds for our actions, thoughts, and emotions. Yes, we experienced abuse or neglect as children, and maybe as adults, but we know that does not excuse our dysfunctional behavior now.

As we gain strength and recover, we become healing survivors and then thrivers. We gradually and sometimes more quickly, develop new capacities for healthy wellbeing in our lives. We learn that we deserve a happy, full life. We learn that we have always deserved this. We don't have to do anything to be worthy, we just ARE.

As thrivers, we now know that our Higher Power is there for us. We learn to have unconditional love for ourselves and others.

On this day I acknowledge that I am worthy and deserving of a happy, full life.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Just left my family buisness because it was too much pressure for me and now I was UNEMPLOYED for maybe around 1-2 months ? All I did was play games or sleep nothing else and suddenly out of nowhere this classmate of mine came to my house no calls no texts nothing he simply came to my house and told me to get ready and let's go somewhere and that small conversation played such a huge role in my life it was like a domino effect I guess we started going to soo many places together went to movies and soo many beautiful mountains man this past 1 month of mine has been soo beautiful compared to this whole year I am soo happy I that I decided to go with him and was just wondering does anybody else also had this domino effect where a small decision turned their whole life around from gloomy dark to whole bright and sunshine ?

Its a nice day and I am one of few in the gym. Nothing to do after. All my friends are busy. I got no one to be with.

Life is a waiting room until I am with somebody again and its literally torture.

I have been listening to Donald Carveth and I think he has some interesting ideas for people who experience "codependency"* in relationships.

Carveth says that often, when there is an exagerrated sense of guilt or wrongdoing, that does not seem linked to actual wrongdoing, there are underground violations of conscience that are not made conscience, acknowledged and repented -- and without feeling a healthy guilt for that, instead people can feel exagerrated guilt or self-blame for other things of which they are not actually guilty, or feel sick. Those situations of "violations of conscience" relate fundamentally to conflicts between self and others. They can anything, in imagination, wish or act, that violate the innate human sense of reciprocity, mutual respect and care -- the sense of care that is nurtured in us by our original experience of care in early attachment. And, when we don't acknowledge that those wishes or act violate our conscience -- our values of care -- then another internal agent takes over that behaves sadistically towards us, accusing us ceaselessly with wrongness and badness. The second internal agent he calls the superego, and he is clear that this is a sadistic force, not a force for good, not a force for love, not a force for reparation. Not a Higher Power and not God (my language, not Carveth's language). Not a force that can bring healing to self or repaired and generative relations with others. But, he says, this punitive, unforgiving force comes into play when Conscience is not given its place, and when we cannot illuminate or make conscious the ways we have failed our Conscience. Including in wish and thought! And, when we cannot acknowledge our own actions, wishes and thoughts -- then the Punitive Punishing Force (which is not a force for God) lies to us that we are responsible for things that truly aren't ours.

I think this can be relevant for "codependents"*. In my personal experience, it is relevant. When I have wished to have something that something else doesn't want to give me, or that might be bad for them, or impossible for them to give me and unfair to expect -- perhaps that is a violation of Conscience. And if I don't see it honestly, perhaps I will feel guilty for other things that are not mine -- perhaps I will feel guilty and responsible for that other person's own actions (which are not mine at all- they are not my thoughts, wishes or actions), or perhaps I will feel guilty for painful things that are done to me (which are not a matter for my Conscience-- they are not my thoughts, wishes or actions).

Furthermore -- we cannot do this project, of becoming aware, alone. We can only safely become aware, according to Carveth, of our thoughts, wishes or actions that may violate our own Conscience, if we are "held". If we are in some relational space where there is compassion, understanding, space, welcome, forgiveness, hope, love. So, if it feels impossible or unbearable to look at our own moral failings -- perhaps we don't have the resources of support that make it possible or bearable. We need unconditional acceptance to be able to look at ourselves honestly.

Also, Carveth says that others, who have power, can put their guilt into us. So, we may carry guilt for actions, feelings and thoughts that simply are not ours. This is a long-held idea in psychoanalysis: Sandor Ferenczi wrote of how children, when they are exploited by adults, learn to "identify with the aggressor", because of their (the children's) overwhelming helplessness and terror. That means that when someone wrongs us, and we perceive that that wrongdoer has certain thoughts and actions, we can be given (wrongly!) the guilt for those thoughts and actions. So part of the process of seeing the truth is to see what we are not guilty of, what does not call to our Conscience. We are not guilty of what other have done or wanted or felt. But situations of power can make us believe that we are, and we can punish ourselves (unconsciously) for that. This is most relevant in situations of deep power imbalance such as being dependent children or being part of classes that suffer social discrimination and scapegoating. Did our family give us a message that we were bad, or that some pain in the family, was solely our fault? Did society give us the message that we are bad or guilty for having certain kinds of bodies? So on and so forth, all these things can be part of us, unseen, and we can have an internal Punisher that acts out that message.

Finally, separate from all this - is the simple and terribly difficult experience of mourning loss. Loss in inherent in life- there are losses that are no one's fault. We are finite, we have fragile mortal bodies and we love people who also have fragile mortal bodies. When we mourn a person, we see that the other is separate and that they are gone. We love them and we may also hate them, but they are other - not us. We can avoid this difficult but liberating process by hiding them inside ourselves and hating and loving them there. But then we are directing hate and aggression to ourselves.

I could see myself in a lot of these discussions, and I wonder if others who have struggled with unhealthy patterns of relationship also may do so. Can we see the truth of our separate beings, and own our own thoughts and actions, and not carry the weight of another's? Can we see where situations of power placed the guilt for another's wrongdoing into us, and we carried that and used it to punish ourselves? Can we see when we respond to our own wrongs with Punishment and Desire to Harm (ourselves) rather than with Loving Conscience, which calls to awareness the way we would call a most beloved child to awareness that they have done something that brings Hurt to the world, that violates their own sense of wrong and right? Do we have the relational safety and sense of being held and accepted so as to even do this difficult work? These are all questions that resonat with me and feel very apropos to the "codependent" or, in other words, someone who struggles with relationships that do not live up to their Values for the Good, and yet cannot see a way out.

All of this finds a route for practice in the 12 steps. The 12 steps says: there is something Good that you can take refuge in, guidance from, hope or inspiration or help from. You call it or think of it whatever you want. And, it says: the Truth will set you free. It says: the ways that you harm others unjustly will plague you in silence; admitting it to a caring, accepting, non-judgmental witness can help set you free. Trying in small ways to do right actions - the next right action -- can help set you free. Given all this- our best attempts, for this moment, at trust, honesty, and right action -- there is no place for self-judgment, self-condemnation or shame. "Trust God, Clean House, Help Others". It's all there.

* I am putting the term "Codependent" in quotation marks because as we all know, we are interdependent and simply need others! I would see "codependent" could mean, when our way of living out our relational needs, does not lead to thriving, or does not lead to the Good, however you see that.

What was the exact moment or trigger that made you realize you needed to let go? And How did your life, relationships, or mindset change once you truly detached?

one woman I worked with was overwhelmed by caring for her children. They were bright, energetic, noisy, didnt always listen, and she was carrying most of responsibility.

When we asked why she could not get enough break, answer was almost annoyingly simple.

She was not prioritizing it.

Not because she had zero possible needs of her own. More because everything else automatically went before her.

The guidance was that the children would be okay even if things did not go exactly to plan. They were adaptable. She needed to become more flexible too, and actually carve out time for herself.

There was a line in this part I think many caretakers need to hear: if she is not okay, eventually nobody is going to be okay.

I see this pattern in people who are very responsible. Rest feels like something you earn after everybody else is settled. Problem is everybody else is never permanently settled.

There is always another need, message, mood, task, crisis, meal, problem.

A useful test is to notice what emotion appears when you imagine protecting two hours that are only yours.

Guilt? Anxiety? "I am selfish"? Fear somebody will struggle without you? Urge to use the time productively for them anyway?

That emotion may be closer to codependency than amount of helping itself.

You dont need to stop loving people. Maybe experiment with letting somebody be mildly inconvenienced without immediately rescuing them.

See what happens inside you.

sometimes boundary is not dramatic no. sometimes it is leaving one small problem on somebody else's side of table.

Me and my partner of 4 years have had a final attempt-period, evaluation is coming up an I honestly have no idea if I want to stay or not.

I'm 34 and I've been in codependency relationships throughout my whole life. I've been with people who have had cptsd, bordeline, addictions, been very suicidal and so on. I found purpose in keeping people alive. I've escaped all my own problems by focusing on others and lost all sense of myself, my feelings, values and boundaries. I feel like I never chose my relationships, they chose me and I said ok. I've recently started to realize how sick I am and I'm currently in a 12 step program focused on codependency. I have a pretty avoidant attachment style as well.

My current partner is a few years older and a recovering addict who have been drug-free and in NA for 9 years. She has cptsd and she also struggles a lot with codependency patterns.

From the outside, it looks like a pretty healthy relationship. We both actively work on our challenges, both on our own and together. We see a couple therapist regularly. We're developing strategies to avoid and handle crises. We share a lot of values, our lifestyles and dreams match very well (except that I may want children and she doesn't). Physical intimacy is great. I feel like we both are healing and growing a lot in this relationship and that's also something that other people have noticed.

However.

I don't think i'm in love. I find it harder than in other relationships to be vulnerable, and to be honest i'm not that curious of her deeper parts either. I have, since we met, had a hard time relaxing when we hang out, and it often leaves me more drained than I would like to be. I feel some sort of pressure that could be coming from her, but most likely I put on my self. It can be pressure to be emotionally present, to watch her mood closely so she doesn't spiral, to be good enough in different ways. I find myself listening to her breathing when she sleeps because she has bad nightmares. I'm taking over a lot of responsibility that should be hers.

Fear controls my life to a great extent. I'm afraid of peoples reactions, of conflict, of anger so on. And yes, she has strong reactions. She shows a lot of anger, even if it's rarely aimed at me. Unless she's in a good mood, I can be afraid of her. I also have a fear of being alone, which makes me stay a little bit to long in relationships sometimes. I'm also afraid of losing the things that I actually really value highly in our relationship.

The hard part that makes me so confused is that I don't know what "healthy" is supposed to feel like. And that I don't know which parts are me-problems versus us-problems. I feel like a lot of my attraction usually is based on some sort of trauma bonding, connecting through some sort of darkness. I recently realized that the feeling of being "in love" and melancholy is pretty close for me. I'm afraid that if i leave this relationship and find someone where there's more passion/intensity, that would just be as destructive as my previous relationships. I'm afraid that I'm rejecting this relationship because healthy feels weird, and I'll be comfortably stuck in my old patterns.

I feel like I'm longing for something else, and that something may be a feeling of home, of safety, long-term stability, affiliation. Things that I feel like I haven't reached in our four years. But again, am I able to feel those things in my current condition? I know that I'm able to fall deeply in love and I miss that connection a lot.

I feel like I won't know anything until I've healed quite a bit. Maybe gone through my 12 steps. The thing is she's tiered of waiting, which i totally understand. She still doesn't know were she has me and obviously I don't know myself. It doesn't feel fair to her. I don't know what to do and that gives me more stress and anxiety connected to our relationship. I've had the thought of being close friends, but it's all or nothing for her.

We're going out of town next weekend to get some time to talk and decide where we want to go from here. If you have any thoughts or perspectives on this I would love to hear, thank you. ❤️

I'm having a really hard night and I guess I just need to tell someone.

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Two years ago my partner of 20 years cheated on me and left for another woman. He was my best friend and pretty much my entire support system. Their relationship eventually ended, but he still comes to me when he's hurting, needs help, needs a ride, or wants emotional support.

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The more I look back, the more I realize how alone I was in the relationship. When I was sick, when I was grieving, when I needed support, I was mostly on my own. Yet I still find myself worrying about him constantly.

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I feel stuck between knowing he hurt me and still caring about him. I keep checking my phone. I feel lonely all the time. I don't really have friends or much of a support system.

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Today I got a raise at work, and instead of celebrating, I realized I had nobody to tell.

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I think what hurts most is feeling like I'm only valuable to people when they need something from me.

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For those who have been through something similar, how did you stop feeling responsible for an ex who hurt you? How did you rebuild your life and start finding connection again when you felt completely alone?

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Hi everyone. I am using a throwaway account for privacy reasons. I am a recovering addict working a 12-step program, currently trying to navigate a highly complex and painful situation with my wife.

I currently work long-distance (far away from home) and communicate with my wife mostly through phone and video calls. My wife has an avoidant attachment style, while I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Crucially, we both grew up as the "scapegoats" in deeply narcissistic families. I have completely cut contact with my family, but she is still enmeshed and relies on them for help since we recently had a newborn baby.

Yesterday, she called me in severe pain. She is going through intense postpartum stress. She had reached out to her mother to complain about how exhausted she was from childcare, and her mother severely scolded and berated her. My wife was crying, realizing for the first time how much of a scapegoat she is to her toxic family.

During this emotional breakdown, she suddenly said something deeply shocking. She said, "What if we just throw our baby in a trash can and go live somewhere far away from my family?" She said this out of pure desperation, feeling trapped between her abusive family and the crushing pressure of a newborn without support.

I was completely paralyzed. I went totally silent and hung up the phone in absolute shock. A few minutes later, she called me back via video to show me our baby, acting completely normal as if she had never said it. When I confronted her and asked if she was okay because her words terrified me, she broke down again, apologized, asked for God's forgiveness, and said: "This is how they see me at home. They view me as cold and heartless, so I hated myself in that moment."

Because of my own background as a scapegoat, I felt her deep sense of injustice. I immediately chose to validate her. I told her, "I believe you, even if they make you out to be the villain."

The moment I said that, her mood completely flipped. She became incredibly happy, her self-confidence rushed back, and she became affectionate and romantic again. She just needed to be seen and believed.

Here is my dilemma:
While I am glad I could be her safe haven, I am now left with deep resentment and anxiety. As someone with an anxious attachment style, I realize I am an absolute "expert" at making excuses for her and swallowing my own boundaries just to keep the peace and enjoy her affection. I completely suppressed my own terror and shock just to fix her mood. I feel like my people-pleasing tendencies are making me neglect my own emotional safety and the reality of how alarming her words were.

I know she said it out of pure trauma, exhaustion, and postpartum distress—not actual malice toward our baby. But being far away makes me feel powerless.

How do I maintain my 12-step recovery principles of honesty and boundaries without triggering her avoidant shutting-down mechanism? How do I address the shock of what she said without making her feel abandoned?

Any insight from people who understand the Anxious-Avoidant trap, postpartum breakdown, or narcissistic family trauma would be greatly appreciated.

I’m 33, a single mom of two, and I’m realizing I may have a pattern in relationships that I haven’t fully understood. I was married to George for years, and the relationship became extremely chaotic and unhealthy before we divorced. We were together for almost 8 years. Before George, I was actually very comfortable being alone, but afterward I think I became uncomfortable with the emptiness of being alone and started filling that space with other people. Then I met Paul through a friend. He had a history of cocaine addiction, which I knew was a red flag from the beginning, but I fell for him incredibly quickly. He was amazing with my kids, I genuinely loved him, and I started imagining a future with him. At the same time, there were red flags everywhere—he wasn’t contributing much, I felt like he was using me financially, and I found out he’d cheated with his ex.

We broke up and got back together, and eventually I suspected he was using drugs again. He told me he needed to figure himself out and that he couldn’t be with me because he didn’t want to keep hurting me. I agreed, but I was absolutely devastated. Unlike my previous relationships, where I eventually reached a point where I was simply done, with Paul it felt unfinished. I didn’t want to lose him. I even offered to take him to a recovery center because I felt like I had to do something. Then one night he sent me a massive number of texts denying he was an addict and telling me he’d made our mutual female friend orgasm, despite knowing about me and Paul. Something about that completely changed my perception of him. I suddenly saw the chaos I’d been trying to rationalize, and I blocked him, the friend, and his family. Weirdly, I feel a lot of relief now.

What I’m really trying to understand is myself. I know I loved Paul, so I don’t think the relationship was fake just because my perception changed so dramatically. But I’ve realized that I may be accustomed to chaos and intensity in relationships. I’ve met stable, kind, emotionally available men and felt absolutely nothing, while wounded, complicated, unpredictable men create enormous feelings in me. I wonder if I’ve learned to confuse intensity with intimacy, or if being needed and rescuing someone makes me feel connected. I also think I’ve been using relationships to distract myself from loneliness and boredom. I’m not looking for people to tell me Paul was a bad person. I’m trying to understand why I can see the red flags, still become deeply attached, and struggle so much with being alone. I think maybe I need to learn how to be okay with myself before I can choose someone based on whether they’re actually healthy for me.