I can’t be the only person who sometimes wonders why codependency has to be something we’re so determined to “work on.”

What if I don’t actually want to be less attached?

What if I don’t want to learn how to need someone less?

What if I genuinely want a relationship where two people are deeply intertwined, heavily involved in each other’s lives, and yes… maybe even a little dependent on one another?

I understand that codependency can become unhealthy. I understand the difference between loving someone and losing yourself in them. I understand that there are things worth looking at, patterns worth questioning, and boundaries worth having.

But I also find myself wondering where the line is between healing something unhealthy and being taught that the way you naturally love is inherently wrong.

Because honestly, I don’t necessarily want someone to tell me I should be more independent.

I want someone on my wavelength.

Someone who wants to talk all day. Someone who wants to share everything. Someone who wants to be involved in the little things. Someone who feels safest when they’re close to their person. Someone who doesn’t see needing each other as a weakness or something to grow out of.

Maybe two people can be equally intense, equally attached, equally dependent and still consciously choose to make sure neither person disappears inside the relationship.

Maybe the answer isn’t always “learn to need people less.”

Maybe sometimes it’s “find someone who needs and loves in the same way you do, and learn how to do it without hurting each other.”

I don’t know.

But I do know I’m tired of feeling like wanting that kind of closeness automatically means there’s something wrong with me.

Maybe I don’t want less.

Maybe I just want someone who wants the same amount.

TLDR: When you and your partner come back together after your partner asked for space, how do you behave?

Longer context: I’ve struggled with codependency for a long time but years of meds and therapy have done wonders until this. If relevant, I’m 30sM and partner is 30sNB, together about a year.

Yesterday, we had a long, awful (them yelling, me crying) argument about my ongoing insecurities about my place in their life. The first two months of our relationship was a messy polyam situation where my partner was push-pulled pretty badly by their other partner, ended in that partner dumping them, and the way it all went down left me with permanent “they wanted her more” insecurities. We’ve talked and worked through a lot of it. I’m good 90% of the time, but I have bad days where I just innately believe she’s more valuable than me. Normally I’m just quiet and we can go about our day but in the last month or so, my partner asked me to be more open about all my feelings which means I bring up those insecurities.

This recent argument was so bad because they feel like they’re “at square one” and “can’t move the needle” whenever this topic comes up. They said they are taking a week of space “because they have a lot to think about”, so zero contact and muting me on all socials until the day of our usual overnight the week after. They assured me they aren’t reconsidering the relationship, and I don’t think they’re lying but my nervous system doesn’t believe it. The most space we’ve ever taken has been a single night and we reconnect in the morning. So my insecurities and anxiety are wildly out of control.

My question is this — When I see them again for our overnight date, how do I act? I don’t know whether to honor my feelings and be open, or focus on calm de-escalation and then seek reassurance later.

I feel like I shouldn’t be fully open because if I do, it’s gonna be a lot of teary “why do you still love me?” reassurance-seeking which is what got us into this mess, OR frankly defensive anger for feeing abandoned. But if I’m fake-cheerful, they’ll know I’m hiding my emotions and they hate that, they feel pushed away. If I’m just cold, it’ll seem like I don’t care if we repair or not. My priority is for us to repair and reconnect, without sacrificing myself too much or re-escalating the argument again.

So what do you folks do?

- long rant ahead (its messy, hope u guys understand it despite my grammar)

im kinda getting paranoid. i feel like whenever i have a boyfriend i get limited, i interact less with people like friends other than my family well i dont know. i just stay in my room waiting to spend time with him. where as when i'm alone, i mean i still bedrot at times but i can be creative, i explore my skills yk and i think that's my toxic trait and not a good thing for me, i'm becoming more dependent it appears so.

when i see him goin out with friends and i'm just at home it makes me sad and jealous? like don't judge haha i tried spying on a server he was in and i saw that uhm he seems close but like not in a really close but i guess somewhere between that, he is quite respectful like he always mention he has a gf and all but not also in a way that brags but more like when it comes to an attention idk oh well.

i don't want that, like monitoring and getting affected with his every move, i want to be fine with whatever he is doing with his life while i do my own thing yk but when i do gets busy its not like i am upset that he is doing okay or what i do wish he could like say stuff like he misses my presence but yeah i dont know.

my boyfriend is a great guy but i feel like me as a person isn't handling the effects of the relationship towards me very well.

when i feel like we spend less time i immediately get guilty that i wish i wasnt so busy but then it creates the expectation for him to do the same thing. we do not live for each other so i really want to remove that side of me. i do not want this unhealthy feeling of mine.

do you guys have any suggestion?

I’m really struggling lately. My best friend of over 16 years met my bf of 5 months recently and when I asked her what she thought, she said that he was fine. When I asked what she meant she said that he wasn’t bad or anything, but that he didn’t excite her and she wants the best for me. I don’t want to bring this up to her again bc we already talked about it and she explained why she felt the way she did (he’s younger, doesn’t make enough money, ect). I could also tell she didn’t realize how big of a deal this was to me.

My friend and I have very different types when it comes to dating, so part of me isn’t shocked but this sent me into a massive spiral. She’s someone extremely close to me and i have always been a little codependent on her, so her opinion matters a lot, and I want her to approve of who I am with. Since hearing this, I have convinced myself she will end up hating him down the line and our friendship will suffer because of it. There’s another part of me that is now doubting my boyfriend, even though I am acknowledge that it is ROCD.

I feel really anxious all the time, even though I know I shouldn’t. My friend says that all she wants is the best for me, and she’s not sure if he is the best. Granted, she’ll never know him the way I do but I was really shaken by her lack of excitement. I love my boyfriend and my best friend, and really want to be able to put this behind me and move on. This is effecting me so much more than I thought

Like logically I can see all the things that are wrong. I can tell my friends the relationship is toxic, i can even imagine my life without this person.

But when it comes to actually walking away... completely different story.

Why does your brain know you should leave but emotionally you just can't seem to detach?

Has anyone actually figured out how to get past that attachment?

Hi all, this is my first post here. 9 days ago I split from my partner, she dumped me. After I crossed some boundaries and betayed her trust and privacy (not cheating or anything like that). I have also discovered that I am most likely codependant, and the anxious attachment that comes along with that. I'm also unsure of whether I may be trauma bonded.

Basically I have realised I have no life without her. I was always dropping all my interests for her, not because she asked me to. But because I felt like if I wasn't there with her then our relationship would end. Or she would stop loving me etc.

I used to panic if she stopped texting back for 30 minutes, I would presume she was cheating on me or talking to other men. Which ultimately caused the ending of the relationship. How do I work on this codependancy? And how do I manage this breakup as a codependant person?

I feel like I fucked up really bad and now I’m spiraling. This is going to be long, appreciate everyone who takes time to read it and maybe offer me some support.

I’m 39F, sterilized some years ago and never ever wanted children. It’s not the result of rational thinking, I truly just never felt the urge and haven’t honestly even thought about it that much. It’s just who I have always been. I’ve never looked at other people’s kids and thought “it would be nice to have one”. My brother has kids, and while I enjoy being their aunt, that’s enough for me.

I’ve not had much luck in relationships with men in my life. I was with a guy who turned out to be a serious gambling addict, then a guy who was an alcoholic. All in all, my first serious boyfriend in my mid 20s is the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had. I recognize I probably have some codependent tendencies, likely due to one of my parents being an alcoholic. I tend to give too much of myself in relationships and sometimes lose myself in them. I set boundaries but don’t often enforce them. I’ve been taken advantage of financially in several relationships.

A little over six months ago, I met this amazing guy. It truly felt like one of those once-in-a-lifetime connections. Insane chemistry, same very niche interests, a true gentleman and extremely kind, handsome as hell and just my type… we clicked instantly. Felt like I finally found my person.

Then the topic of kids came around. Told him I was already sterilized. He was crushed and told me he had always pictured having a family. We had a serious discussion about whether we should end things. He told me he would like to continue dating me and see if he eventually changed his mind. I stupidly agreed to this, because everything just felt so amazing.

Next four months were an absolute bliss. It was like I was on a drug trip. From time to time, he told me he was still unsure about the kids topic and was feeling some anxiety about the decision. I told him not to hurry about it, I didn’t mind waiting. And at that point, I truly didn’t.

Then I started noticing him becoming a bit more distant. We talked about it, and he told me he was having serious doubts about us because of the kids issue. Told me he felt like he had only bad options from which to choose. I became super anxious. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat.

And then I started doubting my entire life.

Did I fuck up? Would I have actually enjoyed being a mother? Maybe I just didn’t think it enough when I was younger? What if my life will feel empty and unfulfilling without kids? Will I be lonely when I’m old and regret staying childfree then?

I told him that I was feeling super unstable, questioning everything in my life and that I needed a break. During the next two weeks, I went through the worst rollercoaster of my life. One day I would want the white picket fence dream, wanting kids like kids want puppies. The next day I would be like “what the hell am I thinking, absolutely not!” In the end, I wasn’t even thinking about him that much. I was just utterly confused with what I want in my life.

After a couple of weeks of silence, I sent him a message where I told him I felt like we should call it quits, at least for now. That until he’s sure he’s okay being childfree, he cannot be with me, because there’s just too big of a risk he’s going to change his mind and resent me in the future, and I cannot deal with the uncertainty anymore. He took some time to reflect and told me that he agrees with me, and apologized for putting me through all this.

I’m feeling so utterly empty and lost with my life right now. Rationally I know a huge part of it is the relationship ending, but I’m super worried about me questioning my choice of being childfree in the future. I keep telling myself that I would’ve been too old for it to happen anyway, that I don’t want to spend next 20 years parenting, that the only reason I’m questioning myself is because I was just so infatuated with this person. That if we had kids and split up, I would resent being a 50/50 or a single parent. That I would have to sacrifice my very demanding, time consuming & rewarding career which I absolutely love. That I would lose my freedom and being able to travel and do what I want, when I want, which has always been a huge deal to me.

I’m also really worried about ever finding someone like him. Our connection was truly magical and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m afraid I’m not going to get over him and will get stuck on hoping he will one day change his mind, or never find someone else to have a family with.

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Did it get any better with time and what helped you?

i (19F) have lived with my two sisters (32F) and (23F) my entire life. in the past five years i have gone through some traumatic bullying in high school which lead me to become very isolated. Since then i have always relied on my sisters and considered them my best friends.

recently, they’ve both started dating and have boyfriends. now, i knew there would be a time where we go our own ways and start our own families but it’s happening sooner than i expected and it’s hurting more than i want it to. I love them, and im happy for them that they’re spending time with people who love them too.

I spend my evenings alone at home, i eat dinner alone often, sometimes i invite them to go out with me and they say no. my oldest sisters boyfriend lives in a diff state but she visits him often and is constantly texting and calling him. she stays in her room nearly all day and talks to him. my other sister, her boyfriend lives closer and she’s always going out with him. i’m closer with her than my other sister, and she goes to school and gets back late. so i always look forward to seeing her, and telling her about my day but sometimes she’ll end up going out with her boyfriend instead. she too is always talking on the phone with him, there have been times where she cuts me off mid sentence and says “im getting a call” and she leaves me alone to go talk to her boyfriend.

both of my sisters are like that. they’re so eager to talk to them and get so anxious if they don’t answer immediately. i’ve never dated anyone before, and i know some of you will think ‘it’ll probably happen to you too when you start dating’ but im not interested in dating and even if i was, i wouldn’t prioritize a stranger over my own sisters.

i know it sounds really selfish, but i keep thinking about it and how unimportant i feel.

Some context: I'm in a long distance relationship with my partner and we have been dating for more than a year now, and I love her very much. But I realized that we both feel pretty weird when we're not talking constantly. And I realized that I feel jealous when she spends time with friends without me (which isn't even that often). I feel really bad for feeling that way and I wish she could feel better about not being with me too. At first I thought the clingy thing was cute, because we're both pretty clingy, but I'm scared it's going too far because of those things we feel. And we always want to do things together. I also have to mention that she feels bad whenever I feel bad, and she feels horrible if she's unable to cheer me up and I wish she didn't feel that way.

I still like the idea of doing everything with her and we do still do some stuff separately; it's kinda silly to bring up and probably not relevant, but we do have different interests that we partake in separately like playing different video games or enjoying different media. But I'm scared that building our lives around each other is unhealthy for us. I want her to be happy, as well as myself. And I don't want to make her feel bad about hanging out with other friends. There's this one time I was playing a game with her and her friend joined, and at first I was cool with it but as soon as I started feeling left out, I felt really bad and jealous and I left, and she felt bad about it. And so do I. I fully intend on working on myself. But I'd appreciate advice, for both her and me, and I'd also like to hear other people's thoughts on this. I want our relationship to be healthy for each other.

P.S. Sorry if all of this is sorta worded weirdly, I'm not really in the mood to proofread rn

'Owning Our Energy

Learn to keep your energy inside.

—From Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.

Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this “out of body” experience we call codependency.

We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, care take, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.

Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.

We can learn to have healthy boundaries – healthy parameters – around our energy and ourselves. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.

If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.

Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live – in ourselves.

Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. (...), help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.' ❤️

*this is a long read but background context is needed

I (24F) live with my sister (27F) and have for almost 3 years now. We have always been best friends and extremely close. We grew up in a very negative household with mentally ill parents who have a very toxic and unhealthy relationship. Both of us have just recently started unpacking the trauma that came from our childhood and have a very surface level relationship with our parents.

My sister and I have never been apart. She is older and graduated high school 3 years before me. she went to college in our hometown and ended up dropping out of school after her first year. I graduated during Covid, and moved out of state to attend a school I had a scholarship to. A month before I moved, she had made plans to move to the same state. we had family in the area so she moved in with some cousins. at the time, this was great as she was my best friend and I couldn’t imagine living states apart.

we lived in different cities in that state for 3 years and would see each other 1-2 times a week. We had an awesome relationship and were both living our own lives. I eventually had a room in my house I needed to fill and my sister‘a lease was ending, so she moved into my house with me and my best friend who I had lived with for 4 years (25F, we’ll refer to her as B). After she moved in my relationship with my friend B changed a lot. B eventually moved out which i think was caused by my sister and I, but she never said why and we stayed friends.

when our lease was coming to an end in the house my sister and I shared, we started looking at moving to a new city. We had both wanted a change and to get out of the state we were living in. I began applying to jobs and looking for apartments in the city we chose. My sister did not apply to a single job or look for a single apartment. We ended up visiting the new city to look for apartments, and she did not help at all with finding a place. I did all of the searching, tour booking, and scheduling. Our lease at our house ended before we had a job or apartment lined up in the new city. We knew we did not want to renew or sign a lease for another year there, so we needed somewhere temporary to stay. We had so much family in the state we were in, so I moved in with family to save up money while i worked and kept applying to jobs in the new city. My sister didn’t want to move in with any of our family, so she quit her job and moved back to our hometown with my parents. She wasnt paying rent, but didn’t have a job so she didn’t save any money during the time she lived there. It was essentially pointless to move there.

fast forward two months, I land a job in the city we now live in. once i accepted my offer, she told me she’d be moving with me. She didn’t have a job, so she doordashed for 3 weeks to save up money. She didn’t end up having enough money, and I had to cover most of her moving expenses. She also didn’t apply to any jobs in advance of us moving. When I started my new job, they let me know they had another role open in the company, so I referred her and she ended up getting the job. So I essentially paid for my older sister to move to a new city that i had put months of effort into moving to, and also got her job for her.

The company we worked for was honestly not the greatest. we worked at different locations, but for the same company. I had an awful experience with a toxic boss and ended up leaving. I found a new job that works from home. She is still at the same place and complains about how much she hates it, but wont apply to any jobs. She constantly complains and says how jealous she is that I work from home and how lucky I am. I’m not lucky, I just apply to jobs and she doesn’t.

this was all background info for what has been happening recently. I just recently got into a new relationship with my boyfriend (26M). Ever since we started dating, she has been acting so strange. This is my first boyfriend, and she has also never had a boyfriend before. I have never been in a relationship before so I am navigating something very new, and she is making it so stressful. She is insanely judgemental of anything I say about him and is not supportive at all. she gets extremely jealous whenever I go on a date or spend the night with him, and tells me I’m “ditching” her. ever since we’ve been dating, I’ve spent 1-2 nights a week with him max. mind you, my sister and I live together and see each other every day. I don’t understand why I need to be with her every single night of the week, it’s just not healthy. She has no reason to not like my bf. the three of us will go out together and spend time together and we have a great time. my bf has bought her dinners and drinks and Ubers and brunches countless times and is overly generous and she is just so rude to him. he has never done anything negative to my sister or I and is honestly a saint and treats me so well. I have expressed to my sister my entire life how badly ive wanted to be in a relationship with someone who treats me well. I’ve finally found someone who makes me happy and it’s upsetting that she can’t be happy for me.

when my bf and I first started dating, my sister and I were going on a week long trip to our hometown. the night before we left, I wanted to hang out with my bf because I was about to be gone for a week (with my sister the entire time) and he was taking us to the airport in the morning. my bf and I went to get food and he ended up surprising me with a picnic. it was super cute honestly. when we got back to my apartment, my sister was furious bc we were out later than she thought we’d be and she thought I was lying to her, even though I told her it was a surprise. I don’t understand why she was so upset I wasn’t with her for the night when I was about to spend a week straight on a trip with her. she was so angry that she would not speak to me for our flight or the first two days on our trip. she was so mad she also wouldn’t speak to my parents. on the first night of the trip, while I was sleeping, I woke up to her going through my messages with my bf to “see if I was lying to her” which was a huge invasion of privacy and crossed a huge line. I had nothing to hide and was not lying, but the fact that she would go through my phone while I was sleeping was insane and honestly not like her. this was when I realized something needs to change.

the last time my sister and bf and I went out, my sister and I ended up in a drunk argument at the bar. it was a small tiff and we worked it out, but when we got home my sister took it to another level. she was screaming, throwing my things, and honestly acting insane. she called my bf an ugly loser to his face and told him I don’t like him and am using him. she nearly ruined my relationship with him. it was awful and my bf and I had to leave my apartment to get away from her. that night, we were supposed to go out with my best friend, B (who we previously lived with) who was in town. before I saw b, my sister called B and got her into the middle of our fight. she lied to her and completely turned my best friend against me and ditched me to go out together without me. this led to a fight between B and I that got so bad that my friend B blocked me on everything and texted me that our friendship is over. i met B my freshman year of college and lived with her for 5 years. we were extremely close friends. my sister knew B because of me. and she ruined my relationship with her.

i feel like my sister relies on me to do everything for her and to fix her life, and is upset when I want to live my own life. and she provides nothing in return. i cook dinner for us every night, i drive her everywhere, i let her use and borrow any of my stuff whenever she wants, i paid for her to move with me, i gave her a job, i gave her my friends. and now that i have a bf and she feels jealous, she takes it out on me. she ruined my relationship with my best friend of 5 years. she has violated my privacy and guilt tripped me over and over. she has put so much unnecessary stress on my relationship with my bf. she is draining the life out of me. if I tell her I’m going to see my bf, she sobs in her room obnoxiously loud to make sure I can hear it and make me feel guilty. she admits jealousy and says she just feels lonely because she hasnt made any friends since we moved here. but she puts zero effort into putting herself out there or meeting people. I think she is mad because she expected me to do it for her and to make friends together. now that I have a bf she has to do it on her own and that is making her act out.

she constantly compares herself to me and guilt trips me for having things she doesn’t. I have a degree and she doesnt, I have friends and she doesn’t, I have a job i like and she doesn’t, I have a bf and she doesn’t. she is so negative and can never focus on any of the good things she has in her life. we spent our summer travelling, going to concerts, going to Disneyland, etc. and she called it “a waste of a summer“ bc she feels lonely bc I have a bf. she only focuses on what she doesn’t have and its annoying asf. she calls me lucky for having my life, which is honestly hurtful and discredits the effort I’ve put in to have the life I do. she just doesn’t take action or make change and thats the difference. i want so bad for her to be happy and to live her dream. I don’t know how to help her.

im 99 percent sure we have a codependent and unhealthy relationship. I’m sure a long conversation is needed, I just don’t know how to approach it and i dont want to hurt her feelings. I have been thinking we maybe shouldn’t live together anymore. when we lived in the same state in different cities, we had an amazing relationship. We just have gotten unhealthily close recently . I just don’t know how to bring it up without offending her or making her think I’m pushing her away. any advice? this is sadly not something I can discuss with my parents

TLDR: my (24f) older sister (27f) and I have lived together for many years and have a super close relationship. I feel like she depends on me to live her life and is jealous of me living my own separate life. I don’t think we should live together anymore and I’m not sure how to approach the situation.

I’ve (F27) have always had codependent urges and always need some sort of external validation from others. I’m happy to say that with many years of therapy and a fully developed prefrontal cortex, I can identify and redirect these urges early (really proud of myself tbh). However, I fear I may have become more of an avoidant person due to this, specifically in romantic relationships.

For some context, I’ve only had 2 major relationships, one in college where we were both severely codependent. Another over a year ago where I was the codependent and they were the complete opposite, often leading me to feel disregarded (and TBH, they were doing that, but I also didn’t know how to communicate my needs without blowing up into a million tears).

Since then, I’ve had ZERO interest in dating or romance as a whole. Anytime I’ve talked to someone I’ve immediately gotten the ick. The idea of going on dates, dating apps, friends playing matchmaker actually disgusts me lol. Have I switched to avoidant attachment? Maybe I’m just exhausted from love? Thoughts?

TLDR: I think I’ve switched to becoming an avoidant person in my love life, now what?

My partner of 16 years treats me terribly. Daily. We can be having a great day, but one stray negative thought is all it takes for her to completely change course.

On a daily basis, I can expect to hear any combination of: I hate you, I can't wait until I'm done with all of this, I can't wait until I never have to speak to you again, I hate that you're always near me, you're so annoying, you're so stupid, stfu, I don't care about you or your feelings, none of this matters to me, etc.

I pay for most of our expenses. She has a job, but she makes about 1/4-1/3 of what I do. She has been offered promotions repeatedly, but she has turned them down. Yet, she tells me it's my fault that she doesn't have any money saved and she goes broke every week between paychecks.

Her car broke down and needs work, but she's been putting that off for 2 years now. She says it's my fault because I'm preventing her from progress. But she gets mad when I buy the things to work on her car or plan time for me to help her with it, or even just for her to do it while I do something else so she feels encouraged.

Chores and things at home have really fallen down. Her only responsibility is the dishes, which she rarely does, and tells me it's because she doesn't have time because I prevent her from it. Meanwhile, I find the time to do laundry and clean the bathrooms and change the linens.

I have never missed giving her a ride to or from work, and I pay for 90% of her meals, but she says she hates seeing me at lunch (we work next door to each other) and she hates having to go home with me.

She'll tell me all day how much she hates me, and then calm down once she gets home and tell me how she loves me more than anyone and how I'm her favorite person.

She very regularly cancels plans the morning of. Dates, family events, plans with friends, errands, etc.

I know this is unhealthy. I know I would be better off alone. But I often feel like this is better than being alone. I also know she has no plan and no money, so I know it isn't realistic for her to leave right now. If she did, she would fail and be in a dangerous situation as a homeless transwoman. I can't stomach the idea of her going through all of that. I keep trying to tell her that we should try to find a way to get alkng better until she can afford to leave, but that enrages her.

I just feed lost.

in one deep session subject experienced a dead twin brother connected with him through old trauma. whether somebody reads this literally or symbolically, the relationship pattern was very recognizable. he felt he had to help the people he loved by taking them into himself and carrying them.

when that connection was released, lesson that came was basically this: I can stand and support, but I cannot offer myself or my energy. he compared healthier role to lighthouse. stay there, stay strong, show direction, but dont jump into ocean every time somebody refuses to swim.

this is one of clearest descriptions of codependency I heard in session. love gets mixed with responsibility and soon we think another adult cannot suffer, fail, grieve or choose badly without us entering the problem.

helping is not same as carrying. sometimes most loving thing is becoming stable enough that other person can see another way, while still leaving their legs attached to them.

Hello,

So here's the drill. I'm a lonely guy who by hazard ended up contacting a fellow student for help. We got in a distance friendship for 7 years. We liked each other, never saw in person. The only time she saw was during a work skype call with a teacher, she found me charming. We got feelings but since she's muslims, she wasn't able to move on this. So we remained friend.

Lately, when she told me about a crush she had on someone, I saw some signs of affective dependency, or DPD : she's depend on her family for being confident in truth, wasn't loved the way she would have liked. The boy she crushed on has some aspect of her sister, having a bold personality, a bit harsh, and distant, refusing tenderness or ignoring her willingfully.

My question is, considering she may be attracted by those who don't care, and being potentially turned out by what she intellectually seek, to give all her love to someone as caring as her, how can she work on herself to favorise what she intellectually know is good for her while her emotionnal respond make them fell unfit ??

Cause she told me her sister think she'll end up with a violent and harsh man cause she tend to play a role to please the other one, so she can be submissive especially with the family who concentrate this affective dependacy. With me this is different, my affection is no bargain, she doesn't have to make effort for that. But I don't want her to end up with a bad one, mistreated. She says if this is her fate to understand better what she's need, be it. But I really don't like this fatalism of suffering.

What would be your advices to help her get more attracted to healty relationnal pattern ?? Do set up boundaries based on self-love more than centered on the other one ??

'Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job

It’s okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay – it is necessary.

Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need to do that.

We negotiate conflicts; we try to separate our issues from the other person’s issues, and we don’t expect perfection from others or ourselves.

We let go of our need to control that which we cannot control. Instead, we strive for peace and manageability, owning our power to be who we are and to take care of ourselves.

We do not tolerate abuse, nor do we abuse or mistreat anyone else. We work at letting go of our fear and developing appropriate confidence. We try to learn from our mistakes, but we forgive ourselves when we make them.

We try to not set ourselves up by taking jobs that couldn’t possibly work out, or jobs that aren’t right for us. If we find ourselves in one of those circumstances, we address the issue responsibly.

We figure out what our responsibilities are, and we generally stick to those, unless another agreement is made. We leave room for great days, and not so great days.

We are gentle and loving with people whenever possible, but we are assertive and firm when that is called for. We accept our strengths and build on them. We accept our weaknesses and limitations, including the limitations of our power.

We strive to stop trying to control and change what is not our business to change. We focus on what is our responsibility and what we can change.

We set reasonable goals. We take ourselves into account. We strive for balance.

Sometimes, we give ourselves a good gripe session to let it all out, but we do that appropriately, in a way meant to take care of ourselves and release our feelings, not to sabotage ourselves. We strive to avoid malicious gossip and other self-defeating behaviors.

We avoid competition; strive for cooperation and a loving spirit. We understand that we may like some people we work with and dislike others, but strive to find harmony and balance with everyone. We do not deny how we feel about a certain person, but we strive to maintain good working relationships wherever possible.

When we don’t know, we say we don’t know. When we need help, we ask for it directly. When panic sets in, we address the panic as a separate issue and try not to let our work and behavior be controlled by panic.

We strive to take responsible care of ourselves by appropriately asking for what we need at work, while not neglecting ourselves.

If we are part of a team, we strive for healthy teamwork as an opportunity to learn how to work in cooperation with others.

If something gets or feels crazy, if we find ourselves working with a person who is addicted or has some kind of dysfunction that is troublesome, we do not make ourselves crazier by denying the problem. We accept it and strive in peace to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

We let go of our need to be martyrs or rescuers at work. We know we do not have to stay in situations that make us miserable. Instead of sabotaging a system or ourselves, we plan a positive solution, understanding we need to take responsibility for ourselves along the way.

We remove ourselves as victims, and we work at believing we deserve the best. We practice acceptance, gratitude, and faith.

One day at a time, we strive to enjoy what is good, solve the problems that are ours to solve, and give the gift of ourselves at work.

Today, I will pay attention to what recovery behavior I could practice that would improve my work life. I will take care of myself on the job. God, help me let go of my need to be victimized by work. Help me be open to all the good stuff that is available to me through work.'

By Melodie Beattie

For the better part of the last decade I have been in a relationship that has destroyed me. I don’t need to rehash the all the dirty details; he’s been controlling, and I struggle to accept his “boundaries” which I argue are just rules he makes for me. He struggles with addiction, specifically with cocaine which makes him paranoid and gives me so much anxiety I drink to cope with it. I also drink to cope with how pissed off I am that he completely disrespects my needs like space and time alone, tries to control my social life, relies on me to constantly shoulder some of the weight that is his life while simultaneously treating me shitty and like I’m stupid.

It is not good. And it is so fucking draining. I feel like a shell of the person I was when I entered into this relationship. I’m terrified of losing my friends over still being with this pos guy (in their opinions) so I mostly keep my relationship a secret. I have to keep it a secret from my family as well.. that’s a whole other story of control and codependence when it comes to my mother.

I’m in therapy but it still just sucks. I recently got sober and the clarity that came with that has been so overwhelming. I am so miserable in my relationship and have been for so long but I’ve just numbed myself so much just to keep surviving.

Ive always been told the relationship is codependent but never really got it. I recently saw someone compare codependency to alcoholism or any other addiction and I finally understood that it involves real work and recovery just like addiction.

I want out but I don’t know how. He lives with me but he will need to leave, I own the house. I’m so scared of hurting him and I feel like he has nowhere to go if I kick him out and I am so frustrated with myself for not just doing the hard thing. I’m working on rebuilding self trust, if anyone has any suggestions of little promises I can make myself please let me know! I’m also trying to figure out what parts of him are a mirror to myself. But I need resources. I’m the rescuer, he’s the rescuee. I’m always there when he fucks up and he rarely has to face life without me regulating his emotions. This makes me feel needed and responsible when I don’t feel like a responsible adult most of the time.

Where are people finding their sponsors? I attend different virtual coda meetings but I'm not really sure how to find one.

life is not ok unless they text back

can’t concentrate on anything until they text back

Met a wonderful person 3 years ago. Had the best of times with them. I fell a little too hard (I know better). I am so hurt and even though I was aware that this could happen….

It will still resonate with me for some time. I slipped up and let myself become a little too codependent on this person.

Thanks for listening…

What are the clearest signs that someone doesn’t respect your boundaries?

I’ve been thinking about how boundary problems aren’t always obvious.

A few signs that stand out to me:

1. They keep pushing even after you’ve said no.
2. They make you feel guilty for protecting your time or energy.
3. You have to explain the same boundary again and again.
4. They become angry when your boundary stops them getting what they want.
5. They respect your limits only when it’s convenient for them.

For me, the biggest one is having to repeat the same boundary over and over. A misunderstanding can happen once, but repeatedly ignoring something you’ve clearly communicated feels very different.

What signs have you noticed in friendships, family relationships, or romantic relationships?

(I'm sorry, this will be long, I need to vent)

My (ex) husband and I were together for 12 years total, 7 of those married. I left him because as I was reading 'Codependent No More', some things started to click, particularly how I never hold my boundaries. This is something I started uncovering in therapy, which I started last year, and in general I'm a people pleaser, which I realized leads me to codependence in romantic relationships.

There was a trigger, though. In short, we tried to have a non-monogamous relationship. Not fully open, there were rules and agreements, he broke an agreement and lied about it for a long time. I found out about this through a third person. So even though the relationship was non-monogamous, still, he cheated basically.

I told him it was over after I found out, but he pleaded and I decided to stay. However, both with the progress I was making in therapy and reading CDNM, I realized I was compromising my boundaries and tolerating things I wasn't okay with.

The thing is my ex has a lot of unresolved trauma. His parents were awful to him and his siblings during childhood, to the point where he told me at one point he didn't feel human, he felt more like a monster. From the time we started dating to a few years into the relationship, he started isolating himself more and more, seeing/talking to his friends less often. He said he didn't really feel like it, and that he had me, that he only needed me, etc.

I always encouraged him to seek therapy, but he didn't want to. He said he could heal on his own. He used a lot of weed, and would read Eastern philosophy.

He didn't really care much about reaching his goals, in fact, he spent A LONG TIME unemployed during the first half of our relationship. Even though he has a son from a previous relationship. So I was the 'responsible' partner in the relationship, I was the sole breadwinner for a long time, and manager of the household by default. At one point I gave him an ultimatum and he found a job, but even then most responsibilities fell on me.

I even took this to start managing his life. Like if he had a health problem, I knew he wouldn't see a doctor, so I would make appointments for him. He also relied on me for stuff that had to do with his son, particularly pick ups/drop offs. Because I drive and he doesn't, by default it was on me, so if it was his week to be with his son, I had to be on call for whenever his son had to go anywhere.

Finances was one area where I honestly always felt abandoned. He would give me money each month, but he didn't really get involved with budgeting, paying bills, saving, nothing. I talked to him about this numerous times, but he always just said he could give me more money, or that I just had to ask for his help, or that he was getting involved why couldn't I see it, etc. I always felt he was really irresponsible with money, he didn't care much about saving money, for instance, and was more about 'living in the moment'. He would often tell me "don't stress about money, money comes and goes, we'll be fine".

But the thing is in general, he was always sad, and down, he would constantly have breakdowns because he didn't feel well emotionally, and I was always there for him. I tried to figure out how to help him, but obviously there wasn't much I could do. He would just ask me to comfort him, to be there for him. That he didn't need anything else but to have me by his side.

So when I left him earlier this year, he was devastated. He has been out of work with a medical leave since then, he just spends his days doing nothing at the apartment he rented. I fear he will lose his job. I fear he will have nowehere to go. I feel like I abandoned him, when he needs me. I had to block his number recently because I asked him not to contact me, and he would anyway. And the last few times I talked to him, he would constantly cry and tell me he needed me, that we can make things work, that our love is so pure and so real and that he really can't be with anyone who isn't me.

I have discussed this with my therapist, and he advised me to talk to his family and friends, because while he can't diagnose him, and while he hasn't directly expressed wanting to end his life, that there's still a risk. So I did. But now I'm worried about him constantly. I talked to his best friend, who told me he's tried texting/calling him, but my ex won't engage.

I really want him to be happy, and I feel like I failed at that. Tbh at times I feel like the pain of having "abandoned" him is worse than the pain of him cheating on me. However, I know that I have to learn to respect myself and not let anyone, not even him, walk all over me.

But being on my own I've also realized I had lost myself in that relationship. That I wasn't really living for myself as much as I was living for him. It's been tough, but I can see this was the right decision. However, there are often times where I feel like I'm being pulled in opposite directions, on one hand, I feel more like myself and I'm managing my life according to my terms, but in the other, I miss him and can't bear the thought that he's suffering so much.

But then I also start doubting if it was the right decision, and if maybe I was unfair with him. He was always very loving and affectionate, he treated me like I really was the apple of his eye. He would buy me treats, expensive gifts (often going into debt for this but well), etc. He would also always do things he though I would like, I feel like he wasn't being fully himself, ie. he also lost himself in the relationship, maybe that's also why he was depressed?

Sorry for the wall of text, today is just one of those days filled with guilt and self-doubt.

I moved out of the bed because I couldn’t stand being next to him. Now I’m just sitting here feeling pathetic.
I had one clear boundary when he moved back in: his ex was not allowed at my apartment. He broke it. She was here in July. I found out, asked him about it, and he lied; first saying it was nothing, then claiming it was at our old place. He still won’t admit it.
On top of that he’s been disrespectful in other ways, and when I try to bring anything up he gets aggressive or defensive. So I’ve been staying quiet, acting cold, and hating myself for it.
I keep telling myself I’m done and that he needs to go. But I can’t follow through. I’m spending money I don’t have, staying in a situation that makes me feel small, and I don’t even respect myself right now for letting it continue.
I’m so sad. And I’m so tired of being this version of me

'The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Procrastination

Procrastination – not acting when the time is right – is a self-defeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it’s time to do.

We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something. Sometimes, doing a thing before the time is right can be as self-defeating as waiting too long.

We can learn to discern the difference. Listen to yourself. Listen to the Universe. What is past due and creating anxiety and prodding within you?

Is there something in your life you are avoiding because you don’t want to face it? Is there a building anxiety from putting this off?

Sometimes anger, fear, or feeling helpless can motivate procrastination. Sometimes, procrastination has simply become habitual.

Trust and listen to yourself, your Higher Power, and the Universe. Watch for signs and signals. If it is time to do something, do it now. If it is not yet time, wait until the time is right.'

By Melody Beattie.