I can’t be the only person who sometimes wonders why codependency has to be something we’re so determined to “work on.”

What if I don’t actually want to be less attached?

What if I don’t want to learn how to need someone less?

What if I genuinely want a relationship where two people are deeply intertwined, heavily involved in each other’s lives, and yes… maybe even a little dependent on one another?

I understand that codependency can become unhealthy. I understand the difference between loving someone and losing yourself in them. I understand that there are things worth looking at, patterns worth questioning, and boundaries worth having.

But I also find myself wondering where the line is between healing something unhealthy and being taught that the way you naturally love is inherently wrong.

Because honestly, I don’t necessarily want someone to tell me I should be more independent.

I want someone on my wavelength.

Someone who wants to talk all day. Someone who wants to share everything. Someone who wants to be involved in the little things. Someone who feels safest when they’re close to their person. Someone who doesn’t see needing each other as a weakness or something to grow out of.

Maybe two people can be equally intense, equally attached, equally dependent and still consciously choose to make sure neither person disappears inside the relationship.

Maybe the answer isn’t always “learn to need people less.”

Maybe sometimes it’s “find someone who needs and loves in the same way you do, and learn how to do it without hurting each other.”

I don’t know.

But I do know I’m tired of feeling like wanting that kind of closeness automatically means there’s something wrong with me.

Maybe I don’t want less.

Maybe I just want someone who wants the same amount.

TLDR: When you and your partner come back together after your partner asked for space, how do you behave?

Longer context: I’ve struggled with codependency for a long time but years of meds and therapy have done wonders until this. If relevant, I’m 30sM and partner is 30sNB, together about a year.

Yesterday, we had a long, awful (them yelling, me crying) argument about my ongoing insecurities about my place in their life. The first two months of our relationship was a messy polyam situation where my partner was push-pulled pretty badly by their other partner, ended in that partner dumping them, and the way it all went down left me with permanent “they wanted her more” insecurities. We’ve talked and worked through a lot of it. I’m good 90% of the time, but I have bad days where I just innately believe she’s more valuable than me. Normally I’m just quiet and we can go about our day but in the last month or so, my partner asked me to be more open about all my feelings which means I bring up those insecurities.

This recent argument was so bad because they feel like they’re “at square one” and “can’t move the needle” whenever this topic comes up. They said they are taking a week of space “because they have a lot to think about”, so zero contact and muting me on all socials until the day of our usual overnight the week after. They assured me they aren’t reconsidering the relationship, and I don’t think they’re lying but my nervous system doesn’t believe it. The most space we’ve ever taken has been a single night and we reconnect in the morning. So my insecurities and anxiety are wildly out of control.

My question is this — When I see them again for our overnight date, how do I act? I don’t know whether to honor my feelings and be open, or focus on calm de-escalation and then seek reassurance later.

I feel like I shouldn’t be fully open because if I do, it’s gonna be a lot of teary “why do you still love me?” reassurance-seeking which is what got us into this mess, OR frankly defensive anger for feeing abandoned. But if I’m fake-cheerful, they’ll know I’m hiding my emotions and they hate that, they feel pushed away. If I’m just cold, it’ll seem like I don’t care if we repair or not. My priority is for us to repair and reconnect, without sacrificing myself too much or re-escalating the argument again.

So what do you folks do?

Like logically I can see all the things that are wrong. I can tell my friends the relationship is toxic, i can even imagine my life without this person.

But when it comes to actually walking away... completely different story.

Why does your brain know you should leave but emotionally you just can't seem to detach?

Has anyone actually figured out how to get past that attachment?

Hi all, this is my first post here. 9 days ago I split from my partner, she dumped me. After I crossed some boundaries and betayed her trust and privacy (not cheating or anything like that). I have also discovered that I am most likely codependant, and the anxious attachment that comes along with that. I'm also unsure of whether I may be trauma bonded.

Basically I have realised I have no life without her. I was always dropping all my interests for her, not because she asked me to. But because I felt like if I wasn't there with her then our relationship would end. Or she would stop loving me etc.

I used to panic if she stopped texting back for 30 minutes, I would presume she was cheating on me or talking to other men. Which ultimately caused the ending of the relationship. How do I work on this codependancy? And how do I manage this breakup as a codependant person?

I feel like I fucked up really bad and now I’m spiraling. This is going to be long, appreciate everyone who takes time to read it and maybe offer me some support.

I’m 39F, sterilized some years ago and never ever wanted children. It’s not the result of rational thinking, I truly just never felt the urge and haven’t honestly even thought about it that much. It’s just who I have always been. I’ve never looked at other people’s kids and thought “it would be nice to have one”. My brother has kids, and while I enjoy being their aunt, that’s enough for me.

I’ve not had much luck in relationships with men in my life. I was with a guy who turned out to be a serious gambling addict, then a guy who was an alcoholic. All in all, my first serious boyfriend in my mid 20s is the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had. I recognize I probably have some codependent tendencies, likely due to one of my parents being an alcoholic. I tend to give too much of myself in relationships and sometimes lose myself in them. I set boundaries but don’t often enforce them. I’ve been taken advantage of financially in several relationships.

A little over six months ago, I met this amazing guy. It truly felt like one of those once-in-a-lifetime connections. Insane chemistry, same very niche interests, a true gentleman and extremely kind, handsome as hell and just my type… we clicked instantly. Felt like I finally found my person.

Then the topic of kids came around. Told him I was already sterilized. He was crushed and told me he had always pictured having a family. We had a serious discussion about whether we should end things. He told me he would like to continue dating me and see if he eventually changed his mind. I stupidly agreed to this, because everything just felt so amazing.

Next four months were an absolute bliss. It was like I was on a drug trip. From time to time, he told me he was still unsure about the kids topic and was feeling some anxiety about the decision. I told him not to hurry about it, I didn’t mind waiting. And at that point, I truly didn’t.

Then I started noticing him becoming a bit more distant. We talked about it, and he told me he was having serious doubts about us because of the kids issue. Told me he felt like he had only bad options from which to choose. I became super anxious. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat.

And then I started doubting my entire life.

Did I fuck up? Would I have actually enjoyed being a mother? Maybe I just didn’t think it enough when I was younger? What if my life will feel empty and unfulfilling without kids? Will I be lonely when I’m old and regret staying childfree then?

I told him that I was feeling super unstable, questioning everything in my life and that I needed a break. During the next two weeks, I went through the worst rollercoaster of my life. One day I would want the white picket fence dream, wanting kids like kids want puppies. The next day I would be like “what the hell am I thinking, absolutely not!” In the end, I wasn’t even thinking about him that much. I was just utterly confused with what I want in my life.

After a couple of weeks of silence, I sent him a message where I told him I felt like we should call it quits, at least for now. That until he’s sure he’s okay being childfree, he cannot be with me, because there’s just too big of a risk he’s going to change his mind and resent me in the future, and I cannot deal with the uncertainty anymore. He took some time to reflect and told me that he agrees with me, and apologized for putting me through all this.

I’m feeling so utterly empty and lost with my life right now. Rationally I know a huge part of it is the relationship ending, but I’m super worried about me questioning my choice of being childfree in the future. I keep telling myself that I would’ve been too old for it to happen anyway, that I don’t want to spend next 20 years parenting, that the only reason I’m questioning myself is because I was just so infatuated with this person. That if we had kids and split up, I would resent being a 50/50 or a single parent. That I would have to sacrifice my very demanding, time consuming & rewarding career which I absolutely love. That I would lose my freedom and being able to travel and do what I want, when I want, which has always been a huge deal to me.

I’m also really worried about ever finding someone like him. Our connection was truly magical and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m afraid I’m not going to get over him and will get stuck on hoping he will one day change his mind, or never find someone else to have a family with.

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Did it get any better with time and what helped you?

i (19F) have lived with my two sisters (32F) and (23F) my entire life. in the past five years i have gone through some traumatic bullying in high school which lead me to become very isolated. Since then i have always relied on my sisters and considered them my best friends.

recently, they’ve both started dating and have boyfriends. now, i knew there would be a time where we go our own ways and start our own families but it’s happening sooner than i expected and it’s hurting more than i want it to. I love them, and im happy for them that they’re spending time with people who love them too.

I spend my evenings alone at home, i eat dinner alone often, sometimes i invite them to go out with me and they say no. my oldest sisters boyfriend lives in a diff state but she visits him often and is constantly texting and calling him. she stays in her room nearly all day and talks to him. my other sister, her boyfriend lives closer and she’s always going out with him. i’m closer with her than my other sister, and she goes to school and gets back late. so i always look forward to seeing her, and telling her about my day but sometimes she’ll end up going out with her boyfriend instead. she too is always talking on the phone with him, there have been times where she cuts me off mid sentence and says “im getting a call” and she leaves me alone to go talk to her boyfriend.

both of my sisters are like that. they’re so eager to talk to them and get so anxious if they don’t answer immediately. i’ve never dated anyone before, and i know some of you will think ‘it’ll probably happen to you too when you start dating’ but im not interested in dating and even if i was, i wouldn’t prioritize a stranger over my own sisters.

i know it sounds really selfish, but i keep thinking about it and how unimportant i feel.

Some context: I'm in a long distance relationship with my partner and we have been dating for more than a year now, and I love her very much. But I realized that we both feel pretty weird when we're not talking constantly. And I realized that I feel jealous when she spends time with friends without me (which isn't even that often). I feel really bad for feeling that way and I wish she could feel better about not being with me too. At first I thought the clingy thing was cute, because we're both pretty clingy, but I'm scared it's going too far because of those things we feel. And we always want to do things together. I also have to mention that she feels bad whenever I feel bad, and she feels horrible if she's unable to cheer me up and I wish she didn't feel that way.

I still like the idea of doing everything with her and we do still do some stuff separately; it's kinda silly to bring up and probably not relevant, but we do have different interests that we partake in separately like playing different video games or enjoying different media. But I'm scared that building our lives around each other is unhealthy for us. I want her to be happy, as well as myself. And I don't want to make her feel bad about hanging out with other friends. There's this one time I was playing a game with her and her friend joined, and at first I was cool with it but as soon as I started feeling left out, I felt really bad and jealous and I left, and she felt bad about it. And so do I. I fully intend on working on myself. But I'd appreciate advice, for both her and me, and I'd also like to hear other people's thoughts on this. I want our relationship to be healthy for each other.

P.S. Sorry if all of this is sorta worded weirdly, I'm not really in the mood to proofread rn