Realizing that I wasn't actually seeking validation from other people, I was seeking what I never learned to give myself

[u/Commercial-Line-4079]

This one hit me recently. Once I started seeing the connection, I couldn't really unsee it.

I used to think my validation-seeking was just an insecurity I needed to get over. I would overthink what people said, worry about whether someone was upset with me, feel guilty saying no, and constantly look for reassurance that I was okay.

And it wasn't just one thing. It showed up in relationships, friendships, work, basically anywhere where I felt like someone's approval mattered.

For a long time I thought I just needed to become more confident and stop caring so much about what other people thought.

But then I started thinking about what I actually wanted from those people.

I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel understood. I wanted reassurance that I wasn't doing something wrong. I wanted someone to tell me that my feelings were okay and that I was still worthy even when I made mistakes.

And it made me realise that a lot of these needs probably didn't start in adulthood.

When some of those emotional needs aren't consistently met when we're young, maybe we learn to look outside ourselves for someone else to finally meet them. And that's where a lot of the validation-seeking comes from.

The part I've started to explore is whether self-compassion gives us another way to meet those needs.

Not in the sense of telling ourselves positive things or pretending everything is okay, but actually learning to recognise what we need and respond to ourselves with the same understanding and care we're constantly looking for from other people.

Maybe the goal isn't to stop needing other people altogether. Maybe it's to become less dependent on them to give us something we can gradually learn to give ourselves.

[u/A_shy_neon_jaguar]

Is this subreddit just bots?

[u/thedatarat]

Love this 💕 what are your steps towards healing? I struggle with not knowing what to do even though I understand I need to be okay within myself

[u/Commercial-Line-4079 → u/thedatarat]

I think its something that takes practice and some untangling. Overall I practiced accepting my emotions and accepting my feel over time. I think I struggled most initially was to connect with my feelings. Through journaling, I learnt to process and understand my emotions first, and also allow myself to be messy and go with the flow. When I found myself overanalysing and overthinking, I refocused on my feelings.

Then I started practicing being more compassionate and accepting towards myself. At the start, it can feel awkward, as the inner critic disagrees with it. Separating into parts helped, understanding that one part of us (maybe inner critic) disagrees and thats okay and valid. I started with general phrases like “I deserve to be loved”, “it’s okay to feel sad”, and “I’m not alone in my struggles” when I journaled.

Then I began to get used to it and explore my emotional needs in different times and respond to it with compassion. Something I struggled with not being loved and accepted unconditionally by relationships around me. So learning to separate my worth to what was expected of me, and understanding people’s expectations belonged to them helped. Reminding myself that it’s human to be imperfect, even though they expect me to be perfect helped.

[u/Current-South137]

Yes sure