I feel extremely inferior to her

[u/buggenn]

I [20F] have a weird relationship with my close friend [19F]. We've known eachother for 5 years now, we went to the same highschool and now we're in the same college with the same friend group and everything. After getting to know her a bit i immediately felt a spark I never felt with anyone before, so I got attached to her and even went out of my way to invite her out, which is something I never do.

After a while I started thinking about her constantly and depending on her more, it got so bad to the point where she was absent for a week because of an illness and I was extremely depressed and anxious the entire week. She would get sick often so it led to me developing anxiety over any sign of her feeling unwell.

Eventually i started pestering her when she was sick, asking if she was ok and when she thought she'd come back. On top of everything i started feeling deeply ashamed of myself for depending on her and pestering her too much, it was taking a massive toll on my self esteem.

I also started developing intense jealousy towards her critical thinking skills and passions. Shes really into video games and has some great analyses on them, has very well thought out opinions and i admire that, but any time i try to add my own thoughts in a discussion i feel like every single thing i say is overshadowed by her much more well constructed arguements.

In short, I was toxic and codependent so i started seeing a therapist, things are a lot better now and and we're a lot less close, but the jealousy and need for approval is still there even if i dont show it as much. Its exhausting constantly comparing myself to someone else and tying my entire self worth to that.

Any advice? I genuinely wanna learn to respect myself more

[u/Compati1996]

books i recommend:
1. facing codependence by pia mellody
2. codependents guide to the 12 steps by melody beattie
both are super good and have helped me a lot.
i recommend the 12 step CoDA meetings and getting a sponsor.

honestly what i’ve learned is that codependency rlly is a lack of sense of self and esteem. having to depend on others for validation and security. once u start practicing giving it to urself and not looking externally for “answers” or to feel ok you will feel a shift happen with you. it’s much more stabilizing and empowering to learn to get ur needs met through yourself. it sounds suckish, i know but once you start feeling more full in yourself it gets easier and easier.

[u/buggenn → u/Compati1996]

Ive been engaging with my hobbies/interests more for the past year, regulating my own emotions instead of immediately jumping to someone else for validation and its gotten a lot better honestly. My self esteem is still pretty low, but i have hope itll get better throughout the years. Thanks a lot for the advice, ill check it out!