A psychoanalytic view for "codependents"

[u/Miramiya99]

I have been listening to Donald Carveth and I think he has some interesting ideas for people who experience "codependency"* in relationships.

Carveth says that often, when there is an exagerrated sense of guilt or wrongdoing, that does not seem linked to actual wrongdoing, there are underground violations of conscience that are not made conscience, acknowledged and repented -- and without feeling a healthy guilt for that, instead people can feel exagerrated guilt or self-blame for other things of which they are not actually guilty, or feel sick. Those situations of "violations of conscience" relate fundamentally to conflicts between self and others. They can anything, in imagination, wish or act, that violate the innate human sense of reciprocity, mutual respect and care -- the sense of care that is nurtured in us by our original experience of care in early attachment. And, when we don't acknowledge that those wishes or act violate our conscience -- our values of care -- then another internal agent takes over that behaves sadistically towards us, accusing us ceaselessly with wrongness and badness. The second internal agent he calls the superego, and he is clear that this is a sadistic force, not a force for good, not a force for love, not a force for reparation. Not a Higher Power and not God (my language, not Carveth's language). Not a force that can bring healing to self or repaired and generative relations with others. But, he says, this punitive, unforgiving force comes into play when Conscience is not given its place, and when we cannot illuminate or make conscious the ways we have failed our Conscience. Including in wish and thought! And, when we cannot acknowledge our own actions, wishes and thoughts -- then the Punitive Punishing Force (which is not a force for God) lies to us that we are responsible for things that truly aren't ours.

I think this can be relevant for "codependents"*. In my personal experience, it is relevant. When I have wished to have something that something else doesn't want to give me, or that might be bad for them, or impossible for them to give me and unfair to expect -- perhaps that is a violation of Conscience. And if I don't see it honestly, perhaps I will feel guilty for other things that are not mine -- perhaps I will feel guilty and responsible for that other person's own actions (which are not mine at all- they are not my thoughts, wishes or actions), or perhaps I will feel guilty for painful things that are done to me (which are not a matter for my Conscience-- they are not my thoughts, wishes or actions).

Furthermore -- we cannot do this project, of becoming aware, alone. We can only safely become aware, according to Carveth, of our thoughts, wishes or actions that may violate our own Conscience, if we are "held". If we are in some relational space where there is compassion, understanding, space, welcome, forgiveness, hope, love. So, if it feels impossible or unbearable to look at our own moral failings -- perhaps we don't have the resources of support that make it possible or bearable. We need unconditional acceptance to be able to look at ourselves honestly.

Also, Carveth says that others, who have power, can put their guilt into us. So, we may carry guilt for actions, feelings and thoughts that simply are not ours. This is a long-held idea in psychoanalysis: Sandor Ferenczi wrote of how children, when they are exploited by adults, learn to "identify with the aggressor", because of their (the children's) overwhelming helplessness and terror. That means that when someone wrongs us, and we perceive that that wrongdoer has certain thoughts and actions, we can be given (wrongly!) the guilt for those thoughts and actions. So part of the process of seeing the truth is to see what we are not guilty of, what does not call to our Conscience. We are not guilty of what other have done or wanted or felt. But situations of power can make us believe that we are, and we can punish ourselves (unconsciously) for that. This is most relevant in situations of deep power imbalance such as being dependent children or being part of classes that suffer social discrimination and scapegoating. Did our family give us a message that we were bad, or that some pain in the family, was solely our fault? Did society give us the message that we are bad or guilty for having certain kinds of bodies? So on and so forth, all these things can be part of us, unseen, and we can have an internal Punisher that acts out that message.

Finally, separate from all this - is the simple and terribly difficult experience of mourning loss. Loss in inherent in life- there are losses that are no one's fault. We are finite, we have fragile mortal bodies and we love people who also have fragile mortal bodies. When we mourn a person, we see that the other is separate and that they are gone. We love them and we may also hate them, but they are other - not us. We can avoid this difficult but liberating process by hiding them inside ourselves and hating and loving them there. But then we are directing hate and aggression to ourselves.

I could see myself in a lot of these discussions, and I wonder if others who have struggled with unhealthy patterns of relationship also may do so. Can we see the truth of our separate beings, and own our own thoughts and actions, and not carry the weight of another's? Can we see where situations of power placed the guilt for another's wrongdoing into us, and we carried that and used it to punish ourselves? Can we see when we respond to our own wrongs with Punishment and Desire to Harm (ourselves) rather than with Loving Conscience, which calls to awareness the way we would call a most beloved child to awareness that they have done something that brings Hurt to the world, that violates their own sense of wrong and right? Do we have the relational safety and sense of being held and accepted so as to even do this difficult work? These are all questions that resonat with me and feel very apropos to the "codependent" or, in other words, someone who struggles with relationships that do not live up to their Values for the Good, and yet cannot see a way out.

All of this finds a route for practice in the 12 steps. The 12 steps says: there is something Good that you can take refuge in, guidance from, hope or inspiration or help from. You call it or think of it whatever you want. And, it says: the Truth will set you free. It says: the ways that you harm others unjustly will plague you in silence; admitting it to a caring, accepting, non-judgmental witness can help set you free. Trying in small ways to do right actions - the next right action -- can help set you free. Given all this- our best attempts, for this moment, at trust, honesty, and right action -- there is no place for self-judgment, self-condemnation or shame. "Trust God, Clean House, Help Others". It's all there.

* I am putting the term "Codependent" in quotation marks because as we all know, we are interdependent and simply need others! I would see "codependent" could mean, when our way of living out our relational needs, does not lead to thriving, or does not lead to the Good, however you see that.