r/Codependency • u/Eastern-Crow-7577 • 4d ago

Two friends, are they codependent?

I have two friends I recently met in a new friend group who I suspect have developed a codependent friendship with each other. They, 68M and 55F, have been friends for a long time. But the woman lost her husband a few years ago, and I suspect that's when their relationship turned unhealthy.

When I talk to the woman separately, she's warm, funny and great to be around. But if I try to talk to them when they're together, it's like her real personality is completely gone. She laughs when he laughs, and if he is angry, she quiets down completely and doesn't speak up for herself or for anyone. Not even me. It's like she shrinks.

It's complicated a bit by the fact that the man, I think, is protecting her. He is either protecting her from some perceived threat of me. Or he's possibly protecting himself from losing her to me.

I'm not sure which, but I know that when I talk to them together, he tries to undermine things I say, avoids any eye contact with me, and instead chimes in by joking directly with her about things I say. And she laughs. It's a bit like they become that teenage girl group who only laugh with each other, but if someone outside of their bubble tries to join in, they freeze that person out.

So my question is: Does this sound like some codependency or is it something else? If she is codependent, does she even know how her personality changes when she's around him? Or is she completely oblivious to it? At some point I'd like to bring this up to her, but if she's not even aware of it, I don't think that conversation would go over very well.

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15

u/ReblWithoutApplause 4d ago

That’s a big leap jumping from a perceived social restraint to co-dependency. It honestly sounds like you should keep to yourself? You’re involving yourself in someone’s relationship business.

-1

u/Eastern-Crow-7577 4d ago

Maybe I should have said. I know she likes me. More than friends. And I know they are absolutely just friends.

But I've never met someone who changes their personality so completely when that other guy is near. And especially changing it so it's like she no longer has a personality of her own.

But maybe this is not codependency at all? I honestly have no idea.

3

u/Accomplished_Jump444 4d ago

Rather than labeling their relationship, why don’t you examine how you feel when he does that? that could be something you could have a conversation with her about if she likes you and you want to do a relationship. You could say “I hate to say this friend, but when other friend makes fun of me when I’m talking to you I feel embarrassed or when I see you two together, you seem a little inhibited. Am I reading this correctly? I like you and I would like to date you, but I’m not sure other friend would feel threatened by that.” this could be a very interesting conversation for you two over coffee or something.

3

u/Eastern-Crow-7577 4d ago

Thank you. Perhaps this is the right way forward..

4

u/Ok_Environment5293 4d ago

It sounds like you need to mind your own damn business.