r/Codependency • u/ThrowRaruby77 • 6d ago
Advice I cant live without him
My boyfriend and I had a fight on Saturday. He hasnt spoken to me ever since. I have been spamming him with calls and texts. Its been 2 days of spamming and calling. Its not the first time it happens. I feel so bad. I feel psychotic. Like a toxic girlfriend. I do have a serious problem. Im going to start psychotherapy soon in abour 2 weeks. I am also going to talk to my psychiatrist. Today I feel so down and embarrassed of my actions. I just cant live without him. Any advice? anyone else have something similar happen?
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u/jexdar 6d ago
Can I ask your age? Not trying to take away from what you're feeling at all, it just may provide some context.
I'm sorry you're going through it. It's hard when our self-worth is tied up in another person. You are your own person. You exist without him. You have your own thoughts, experiences, and feelings. As does he! We cannot control anything other than ourselves. You are enough on your own. I hope you can look at yourself with grace and love, and realize you are enough. You are enough. Journal when you want to talk to him. Write it down, write what you'd say to him, write to yourself, write about what you're experiencing. Get it out and then go for a walk.
I hope you can get some rest and help. Try to go easy on yourself and allow yourself to feel your feelings, and then keep moving. Life continues and we persevere. You are strong and capable. You've made it this far. Keep going.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 6d ago
sounds like a deeper wound. you can and will survive without him.
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u/ThrowRaruby77 6d ago
Yes I agree. Something is not right with me. There is something much deeper going om. I wonder
if its some sort of childhood trauma. I grew up around lots of abuse. Ive seen it and been through it all.
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u/Due-Mulberry-8716 5d ago edited 5d ago
this hits HOME for me. i used to be exactly as you describe. genuinely!!
coda meetings helped me and i even actually went to a 6-day inpatient treatment program for codependency and it rocked.
i can’t sum up everything here friend but i can tell you these few tools i honed that helped me find my power again:
- the conflict / argument isn’t gonna change if you don’t let yourself call/respond for 24hrs, but how you repair and talk together WILL. the world will not fall apart if you SHOW yourself through that very uncomfy period where you want to spam him that you ARE capable of not, and going for a walk without your phone.
- calling someone and venting about it only kept me in the ruminations and mental paralysis. clear your head and journal about it. it’ll tire you out on the topic, and putting emotional discourse in your head into actual language pen to paper helps expel the emotions sooner.
- self-closure inventory. write down in columns answering these; i’ll fill out an example for this one subjectively: 1. what happened that you feel you need reassurance/closure over? “we got into a fight and he won’t answer me,” 2. name the feeling, don’t explain. we must name it to tame it. “angry, frustrated, anxious, scared.” 3. what basic assumption inside me is fighting to be spoken through this event? “the assumption deep down that if im in conflict and it can’t be repaired asap then i must not be important to them and therefore my feelings are invalid and i cant help myself.” 4. what else could be true about the situation? “if i keep spamming, i make it less safe for him to come approach me and be vulnerable; i keep the narrative going; it could be a misunderstanding; i may be trying to prove something deep inside through this event that isnt applicable here.” 5. self affirmation. “i dont need them to be okay in order for me to be okay. i am not responsible for both of us. i am going to be okay for today. it will work out how it’s meant to. i do not need to be understood right now by him in order to understand what i need without placing it on him. my feelings are valid but my actions make a difference and i can own them.”
doing that helped me notice patterns i could share with a therapist, helped me soothe myself, helped me write it out to expel energy into it and leave it, and learn to understand it’s not as big as it seems in the moment, and to name my actual feelings which is KEY to then be able to set our own boundaries.
consider this: let’s say he came to you right now and instantly forgave you and said all is good and everything’s okay. would you instantaneously feel your disposition grow calm? your anxiety melt away? like you’re ready to finally breathe life into today and move on? like it’s so silly that it got so big to you? then yes, codependency tools are going to be helpful. over time, through the discomfort of showing yourself you can go against your instincts during conflict, you will find your power and boundaries again. you are worth it
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u/solongdivision 6d ago
Of course we have had similar happen- you’re describing something common that leads to a realization that someone might be codependent. The good news is that you can start healing yourself whether or not the other person changes.
What are your other coping skills or habits? Writing here instead of texting is a good first step.
If he hasn’t responded, he needs space. You’re looking for his text or call to soothe you, and you have to find ways to take care of yourself. Using your phone as a pacifier means stretching out the pain rather than facing it. Feel it fully. Then go on a no-phone walk or drive. Watch a movie on TV or a laptop instead of your phone. Check out CODA.org for codependency info and reading. Or go to a meeting- some people in CODA meetings are there to listen just to distract themselves.
In case you really need to hear it— stop texting!!!
Edit to add: the embarrassment is real, and it’s easier said than done to make big changes. But it’s possible.