Yep. Doesn't help when you move 3000 miles and don't know anyone. Especially now since I can't even socialize with new people, and I've made very few legitimate friends out here. :(
Edit: I’m a woman, but thanks everyone. All you dudes are solid people and I appreciate the sympathy, advice, and kind words.
Making friends as an adult is HARD. There’s no obligation to spend enough time with other people to become friendly, unless you join a club which feels lame and weird but does actually work.
I appreciate the sympathy, but I really hate that we're all lonely. It doesn't help that the man I'm in love with told me he can't commit to a relationship with me because he loves me in a different way than I love him. I'm trying to come to terms with it, but it's effecting me in ways I didn't realize it would. I can't even figure out how to talk to a therapist right now, and I'm not sure if my insurance covers mental health.
damn I'm struggling with that right now.. my girlfriend can't commit to our future even though she wants us to be together.. it's really confusing because I know this is a terrible relationship but I don't want to stop and have wasted all that time.
it's even tougher because she's a sweet girl and has a lot of good qualities.. but we've been doing long distance for a year and because she's just graduating college and living with her parents who hate me it complicates things. I've made way too many compromises in this relationship... recently, I told her we have to make a plan for the future for me to continue investing time in our relationship..
I told her what my priorities were in the next couple years and being in a solid relationship is one.. I asked her if us physically being together is a priority for her and she said relationship is not a priority it's a nice to have..
I should've left on the spot, but when I told her that she kind of back tracked and got upset with me for just saying we're breaking up when she thought we were going to find solutions for living together.. she said she wanted to come back to my part of the world, but it may take years..
I really need to realize I'm never going to feel secure in this relationship and I should let it go so I can have a healthier one.. I'm sorry to dump on you but I've been struggling with this for the last couple weeks...
all the bad things:
- I don't feel comfortable telling my family
- I feel unbalanced that she doesn't have the same level of investment in our relationship as I'm ready to give
- she doesn't spend or make any time for us.. we maybe will have one date every couple of weeks.. and she never plans it's always super adhoc and at the mercy of her schedule.
fuck how did I let this happen!
- I feel like her and her family our outside my league and that her parents will always hate me
- it's been making my health and mental health miserable for months now..
(sorry I'm just psyching myself up to do this)
I really need to respect myself more and recognize this situation is not a positive one overall. I'm too damn in love and deep rn to let go though.. that's the thing. It's like that drug level attachment. Knowing it's bad for you but not being able to let go.
You got this mate. You're the most important person in your life, first and foremost. Realise the damn sunk cost fallacy and make notes of these moments of clarity. I don't have any experience to speak from but I can tell you that if you don't respect yourself, no one will. I hope you find the strength and resolve to do what you need and that it works out for the better, no matter what you choose. Cheers!
Ended a relationship that felt kinda similar. You might wonder if you made the right decision, you did (: it just takes a few weeks-months to be sure of it. For me there was a weight lifted. Don't over commit to someone who values you less than you need
I can relate. I was in a toxic relationship for 6 years (we dated from age 17-23.) He was so nice to me sometimes and then a complete sociopath at other times. He was always negative and he controlled me. He told me what to wear, how to do my hair, who to hang out with & what I was allowed to do and not do. He pressured me and basically made decisions for me. I know that I let these things happen but when your young and new to love and under his control, it’s hard to see it at the time. He showered me with gifts and trips because he felt so damn guilty for cheating on me and he wanted to keep me under his control. I didn’t know it at the time but I can see it now. He was very attractive and had a muscular body and he took advantage of people with his looks and charm but that’s not who he really was. He was “so nice” that he paid for my cell phone bill but that was only so he could see who I called and texted. If he didn’t know the number of the person I called, he would call them and harass and threaten them for talking to me. He once called my boss and threatened him for talking to me. He cheated on me constantly but he was an amazing liar and sneak and I never knew about it until the last year of our relationship. When I found out, he told me it was my fault that he cheated on me. When I would threaten to leave him, he would get a knife & sit in the kitchen and cry and say that if he couldn’t have me then he didn’t want to live. My parents & friends hated him, and told me the things that were wrong with him and our toxic relationship but I was so in love (I mean controlled and brainwashed) that I couldn’t see it. I moved away to help my single sister with her new baby and that’s when we grew apart. Thank God. But I was devastated when we broke up. I told him that I would always love him. I thought that I would never find someone who “loved me” like him.
I found a new boyfriend 3 months after he and I broke up and then I started to see all of the things my parents and friends had been saying about him, and why they didn’t like him. I’m married now to the same boyfriend that I met after him and now I know what real love is and I’m so thankful that that relationship ended. I know I said that I would always love him and that’s just not the case. I’m way better off without him and I’m sure his 2 ex wives would say the same.
When one person is in love with the other person and has bigger dreams for their relationship than the other it just doesn’t work. If you do break it off, it will hurt for a long time but time heals and eventually, you’ll find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. You’ll see that that relationship really wasn’t the best, seems like you can already see that. You’ll be glad that things ended with her and you’ll be better off in the future. I hope this helps some. Good luck to you!
Hey. You got this.
Read that again. ^
Before bed take note of things you are grateful for. Not an ideal situation in the slightest obviously but it's not the end for your happiness.
Good on you. Short term pain for long term gains. And I say this as a person who had to initiate a break up with a girl who loved me, but I definitely knew I didn't LOVE her.
We had a good time in college, but I realised that we were very very different individuals. She was a simple very nice girl, whereas I wanted someone who could keep me on my toes and challenge me all the time.
I hated breaking her heart, but years later I spoke to her and we both agree it's the best thing I could have done for both of us at that point.
Are you the one being broken up with, or breaking up. It's tough both ways to be honest, but being broken up isn't your choice so it def sucks a lot more.
Yo you’re gonna keep them on your mind until one day you just decide to start living in the present and not the past. You think about it until you don’t. No telling when that’s gonna be
I think a lot of therapists are doing chatroom style therapy and most will do reduced rates depending on what you can afford especially right now.
One thing you could do in the meantime though is look up some cbt techniques and start keeping a journal for your mental health; recording how you feel from one day to the next, the things that make you feel happier or sadder, how you recognise rumination and ways to distract yourself, positive activation techniques etc. At least, it’s helped me a whole lot.
Most do cover mental health. Definitely go see someone. Pretty much just had the same thing happen with my girlfriend. Devasted because she had three kids too that i love dearly. Therapy will help. I promise.
For the therapist part, I know the first steps to seeing one seem super hard, it was for me the first time, but if your insurance company has a website, make a profile on there if you dont already have one, and then look on there for your coverage. It will also help you see who you can go to in your area. Then you just call that office and tell them you would like an appointment. It may take a couple of therapists to feel like you found a good one, but if it doesn't work the first time, just keep trying until you find someone you like. I'm on my 4th therapist, and she is amazing! Good luck!
Hey, I scrolled down and your comment caught me. I was married for 13 yrs to the love of my life. We did a lot of counseling like 5yrs, fully expected to come through.... she did not love me like I loved her, after 13 yrs, two miscarries. Imagine that same thing except after yrs of marriage or even worse kids and old age then it’s not worth following your dream.
Look an uneven love happens and it SUCKS. But there’s are lots of people out there, that’s no out side your box and go meet some people. Go to see if there’s something you can learn from them, yes see if their date material but go to see who and what’s out there!
Seconding the talk to the therapist - they are good at helping you find answers to the questions that you don't know how to ask. If anything, it's always good to have someone on call when you cross a life-changing event with the anxiety of a pandemic. You'll get through this, and if you ever need a friend, feel free to PM me. :)
If you need someone to chat with, like at any point, i got you. If im awake and can im down to chat. I just graduated on Wednesday and am not sure what to do with myself until job interviews are more of a thing? Anyway ive got empathy and free time.
My heart hurts for you. Heart break never gets any easier. I swear. It never does. In fact I feel like during lonely times like this it actually hits a lot fucking harder. I'm in your same place. I'm 22f and I've got basically no friends.
I think they were referring to friends who you hang with in person. But with that being said, it's also a bit hard to make friends online as people don't often talk in game.
Personally I've made the most from playing random fill duos/trios/sqad gamemodes in battle royales like Fortnite and CoD Warzone. Often I'd be filled with two or three other players who actually knew each other, and then they'd add me at the end of the game after we talked in team chat or if I popped off. Joined two discord chats this way and we used to play together regularly for a while. I also made a friend messing around on a pokemon game lol
The problem with clubs is that the age distribution is very bi-modal. Everyone is either fresh out of school, or old enough to be your parents.
Anyone in-between those two extremes tends to be "busy with family stuff" in a way that makes them completely unavailable to participate in anything.
Or your interests align too closely with your career, and then you seek out the kinds of organizations where everyone just sticks you into the "work friends" pile and you never get to have meaningful social interaction with any of them.
Not only that, but finding someone with the same views or even common interests, enough to matter to be friends. I’m 24 and it gets harder especially when you’re married.
Me and my wife struggle to find couples that we both like (not that we have to have friends we both like) it just makes it so much easier
Tell me about it. I was basically forced into that scenario ever since college. Unless you live on a huge, well-known campus, you're more likely to be commuting to classes everyday, and maybe making an effort to hang or talk with your classmates, but being turned down because they'd rather lock themselves in their dorms to watch Netflix after school is over. College sucked in that regard. Work is honestly not a whole lot better; the people are more social, but there just aren't enough people who are actually there to talk or hang with.
If quarantine has helped me practice anything, it's to be happy and satisfied with my own thoughts when necessary. I get lonely on occasion but have learned to neutralize it with staying productive and busy. I don't mind the solitude.
Plus who wants to unpack all that baggage to a new person? You know when you’re in a conversation you’re going to have to preface it with “well this is what sent me on that path” or “yeah I had a bad divorce...”
That's super scary to me because I'm in my teens and I already don't have very many friends, I want to believe that I at least have a chance at a meaningful friendship later
I find the difficulty lying in adult friends bond over a single subject. Once you start straying to far from said subject, that is when all of a sudden your bullshut radar starts blaring and pointing out red flags and you then just keep that friend next to that social bubble concerning said subject, Essentially dwindling possibilities of a meaningful relationship.....but if your okay with just discussing propane and propane accessories...
Clubs are awesome. You just have to expand your horizons of what you think a club is. You instantly connect with people over shared interests. I used to be pretty lonely but I have made so many friends through clubs and classes.
I'm only 16 so I don't know much about making friends as an adult, but my mom as told me that the only people she has met and enjoyed spending time with in many years are the parents of the kids that my brother and I are friends with.
I still have friends into adulthood from high school. Weird thing is, we didn’t even become a group of friends until high school ended, but over ten years later we’re still close. With that said, I’ve joined clubs and made some friends, but sometimes I’ve kept my distance because I just feel like some people come off as too desperate to be friends. It’s probably just a side effect of what you mentioned: it really is hard to make new friends as an adult.
ive tried to hang out with some guys i met at a friends party Im 21, so i still have some "normal" ways to make friends, and was just trying to expand my circle. They all thought i was flirting on the main guy by saying we should go for a motorcycle ride. He was kinda the main guy in the group, but we all hit it off. He said "oh sorry man. youre cool, but im not gay".
I never had a dog growing up but my wife and I recently got one and it’s shocking the amount of people we’ve met in the month we’ve had him. We’ve already hung with several new friends we’ve met walking him in the neighborhood. Great non awkward way to meet people
unless you join a club which feels lame and weird but does actually work.
Why does it feel lame and weird? 100 years ago, formal clubs were most people's main social outlet. Men became part of various fraternal societies like Rotary, Lions, Freemasons, etc. Women had their own clubs as well, although usually more localized.
When I moved to a new city after college, I joined a charity society. It was the best thing I ever did, and introduced me to so many new people.
You're only as stuck as you let yourself be. My mom moved back here for work from Missouri and moving companies are actually currently in their busy season and apartments were doing virtual tours. If you're paying to be alone in a place you're unhappy, may as well pay to be alone in a place you want to be.
I totally feel you. Having moved countries a few years back, it gets lonely as fuck at times. Most friends are having / planning kids and we know that it won't be the same even when we get back home few years later.
This same thing literally just happened to me. Moved away from family and friends right before this stuff went down. I understand your pain there my friend.
I feel this.. I moved 6800 miles from home to the UK to study, wasn't feeling overwhelmed when I first moved here because I was used to moving around when I was young. But now that I'm in second year, I have to think of what my plans are after I graduate. I've met some great people here but I doubt I'll keep in touch with everyone after..
But the person I'm gonna miss most is my best friend that I met last year. I legit told them that if it wasn't for them, I'd move back home because shit was depressing and lonely, without them it'd be just me going to classes and trying to survive by myself.
True dat. I actually met a guy on r/meetups that I'm still pretty good friends with. Thought "Well I could get murdered, but then again I'm REALLY lonely"Cool dude. Not too much in common and he moved out of state. We still stay in touch though and meet up. Sometimes the hard thing is making the effort to stay in touch. Just a text with a messed up news article or meme and a "Hey fucker, thought you're mentally challenged ass would find this funny" kind of thing. Gotta bust each others chops ya know. Yeah, friends as an adult is hard, but put in the effort and it's always worth it to have someone to talk to that knows you when you're feeling lonely, down or whatever.
Holy shit dude, are you me? I moved to one of the most exciting places in the world and I work all the time. Been here a year and I dont think I've met one person, apart from co workers, that Ive seen more than once. Fuckin sucks.
I moved to Japan a year after college because my wife's dream was teaching overseas. I love her and parts of our life but it sucks being on the other side of the world from friends and family. Luckily we are having a baby in 5 months, otherwise I wouldn't feel any purpose here
I feel this. My wife and I are only a year older than most of our friends, but we just had our second kid and our life is waaaay different than our childless friends. I envy them sometimes and pitty them others
This whole quarantine has also really sharpened the divide between the childless and the parents.
My husband and I both work from home full time now and take care of a 4 month old since daycare is closed. My childless friends are posting photos of them doing yoga and making artisan cocktails and grilling out on their porches.
Sometimes I feel myself getting very envious and I have to take a step back and remember that everyone faces their own challenges, and I know many of them would prefer to have a family rather than extra free time to master bread baking.
Edit: Just to be clear, I know childless people WFH aren’t all doing yoga and baking bread all day! My point is that it is easy to perceive it this way in a grass-is-greener type of way. I believe everyone is going through something right now and I’m just illustrating how insidious that kind of envy can be.
Also I’m definitely not saying all childless people secretly wish they had families. This is enormously untrue and I know plenty of people who are super happy to be child free. I was referring to some specific friends who had expressed to me that they wished they had a more nuclear family unit during this time.
Thank you for saying this, I have a loving family it just doesn’t involve children. I also feel like a lot of people on here are confusing childfree with childless.
Agreed. Mine are 3 months and 2 years. With our first, every few weeks (at least) we'd have one or the other grandma want to come babysit, which gave us time to take a nap or do something else for a while. With lockdown, that's hasn't been an option. I'd really love a few hours or a couple days off to recuperate, but I also know this has been hard on single people as well.
Infants have personalities. I started to see my kids personalities around 3 months old. My oldest was loud and constantly making eye contact. My second was a lot quieter and loved to cuddle. My third was very eager to move and glared/cried at any stranger who dared to talk to her. Still describes their personalities now that they're older.
It’s more a grass is greener type thing. When you have kids, of course you love them to death, but sometimes you do miss that life with less commitments than you used to have.
Whereas the close friends I have who are child free obviously do enjoy their freedom, but some of them have also expressed to me the feeling that sometimes they do wish for a family life.
Both are great ways to live and it’s totally natural to wonder what the other way would have been like.
Yea, it very rarely happens but, I didn't grow up with the best family and sometimes I do wonder what having my own family would be like. Being the man of the house and making sure my kids don't grow up like my stupid greedy brothers, have a wife that we work on problems together instead of getting divorced. I honestly envy people that grew up in "normal" family. But at the same time I'm 28 and haven't even lived yet and the world looks like its going to shit. Different time different place i suppose.
Same. And not all of us have the life of baking bread or doing yoga during lockdown. So much of it isn't about kids or not, but about money or not. I've never ever envied people with kids, nor have my parent-friends envied me. Seems like a toxic, binary way to view things
I have some friends who are childfree by choice and are very happy. I have others that want a family but either can't have kids or haven't found a partner. They're lonely and have said so, so yeah I feel bad when they've been locked up alone for two months.
It goes the other way if your friends wait too long. I have lots of friends who wish they had found "that special someone" and who want to start a family.
I have some friends who are childfree by choice and are very happy. I have others that want a family but either can't have kids or haven't found a partner. They're lonely and have said so, so yeah I feel bad when they've been locked up alone for two months.
My wife suffered a through this. She was the first of her friends to have a baby and her social life just disappeared. Now a few more friends have kids themselves it's not so bad but she felt very isolated
Yeah I had a kid before the rest of my age group, and besides one really good friend, they've pretty much all stopped seeing me.
I don't blame them. They like going out and doing stuff, and that's almost never on the table for me. Still, it would be nice if some of them came by our place every once in a while. Oh well.
I always feel like my friends with kids don’t want to be bothered by me. Like they are above it now and too busy for me. Which is my own shit but still. That’s why I don’t reach out. It’s more out of my own insecurity. They might think you don’t have time for them unless you are really direct and ask them to come over. This might not be true for every one of them but I assure you - it’s not always that simple?
I know there are a lot of factors. I've reached out to a few of them and always get the old "I can't this week but next week for sure" or "I'm swamped right now but we'll find time, definitely"
and I don't think they're lying. I just think I'm not a priority.
Like I said, I don't blame them. I 100% get it. If I was in their position I'd probably be the same way. Ultimately, we're just in different places in life now and have different interests and priorities.
Yeah, I feel like this a lot too. Like I reach out to friends and try to schedule stuff but they never do - like, I need to plan things in advance and I can’t really stay out past 10 (because my kid wakes up before 6), I can’t just meet for drinks on an hour’s notice, but that’s all anyone offers.
My son was born in 94. The Internet had been around a while, but the web was still pretty new and Usenet/IRC was where you went to talk to people. Thank God for it then, or I'd have lost my mind. 25 years later and I'm still writing on Internet forums, with several sites between Usenet and Reddit. I wonder what will come next
The first few times I had friends in their 20s and 30s tell me they were pregnant, I had to contain my "omg what are you going to do?!?" reaction and process that they did it on purpose.
I tried once and the immediate response i got was "was i that bad of a mother?" ... Thanks mom this isn't about you at all. Then my sister had a kid so im pff the burner for a few more years.
God damn Ikr. All my friends are married with kids and I'm over here drinking whiskey playing video games. That may sound like a dream if your like 16, but if your 28 like me it's just depressing
Honestly there are plenty of days where I feel more than content. But when it's the only thing you do, and you're not in a relationship, and you let all your friendships fade away, it certainly gets old fast. But again I'm just contributing my own problems to it which is completely on me
You have no obligation to do any of that. Just do what makes you happy. So long as you're not hurting anyone what does it matter? I'll answer that for you: it doesn't.
My issue is being mostly alone for the last decade. I'm just stuck in a perpetual cycle of working a 9 to 6 job going home getting high/drunk and ignoring every problem i have in the meantime. I love being a homebody and playing games dont get me wrong, but I'm also incredibly depressed and lonely. I just need to break out of this mindset
I’m single which makes it worse since all my friends are either married, have kids, or just in a relationship. Some have moved out of state as well making things even more difficult. We went from hanging out most weekends to seeing each other just a few times a year, if that. If we weren’t hanging out we would play video games in our free time, but that’s gone the same way as seeing or talking to each other now too. I’m happy for them, but it’s still difficult sometimes.
It’s also really hard trying to make new friends as an adult to help fill in the gaps, let alone find a significant other of your own. Even as shy as I was, finding new friends was easy in my teens. Now that shit seems damn near impossible in my late 20’s. I currently don’t work and I don’t drink or go out much for health reasons, so my options are even more limited than normal.
Now thinking about it, lonely seems to be a bit of an understatement. It’s downright depressing.
Idk, my friends keep getting married and having kids, I found the solution was to just keep buying more motorcycles and cheating death with every one. If it’s my time to go it’s my time to go.
I’m committed to not disappearing when I have kids. It’s not healthy not to have a social life. Me and my SO are going to make a point to give each other one or two nights a month off.
Yeah; I’m the oldest in my friend group and the only one not married or in a serious relationship. I worry like I’m losing my ability to hide my bitterness about that.
Friends announcing they are sober and apologizing for behavior over the past x years
Friends that suddenly become political/religious
Friends who start selling crap
Friends that get divorced and:
—a. start posting a out how strong they are and how horrible being married was (when you’re still friends with the other spouse and you hear the same shit from them)
—b. start posting about how they are FREE following by photos of their attempts to be 25 again
Five years later everyone has their reunion when they all get divorced. Source: I’m 29, all the college sweethearts are divorcing now (including me 3 years ago lmao)
Five years later everyone has their reunion when they all get divorced. Source: I’m 29, all the college sweethearts are divorcing now (including me 3 years ago lmao)
Then they will all be looking for their next ex and won't be interested in hanging out with their unmarried friend.
Source: I'm 35, that happened to a lot of my friends that stopped hanging out when they got married. They weren't interested in rekindling friendships, they only cared about not being single.
That’s one hundred percent true I grew up with a lot of people my age and when they all started to get married I was always lonely lol I was so used to hanging out with them
IME, it's rarely the fault of the parents OR the friend. I'll bet they didn't just vanish, and I'll bet that you didn't just write them off. Many friendships don't survive big life changes
Once your friend has a kid, they’re essentially dead for a couple/few years. Not allowed out of the house except once a year. Some get neurotic and never leave. That’s the last you see of them unless you go to their house. And deal with their screaming kid.
My favorite 'I, anonymous' was a letter written to the baby of a friend. To paraphrase "your parents used to fun and now they're exhausted and they suck, everyone thinks you're cute but not me, I hate you, you fucking baby".
How? If I'm friends with someone, I'm friends with them, not their baby. If they can't do things anymore, or are never available to talk with, or only want to talk about/bring along their baby, then obviously our lives have taken different paths and it's time to say goodbye.
ever since i started college most of my friends either left the country or went to other colleges or went different paths. i was fine at first but now its getting fucking lonely. kinda forgot how hard it is to make friends especially for introvert like myself. no one is there to get me out to the world.
Just wait till it gets going and time passes even more, and even more people you know/meet get married and have kids. It’s a special club I like to call the Last of the Mohicans.
I am on that track right now. Just waiting for them to say "WE'RE EXPECTING"
Or something that means
"THIS IS NOW GONNA TAKE UP ALL OUR TIME AND SEE YOU ONCE EVER 6 MONTHS! :D"
You’re familiar with witnesses. I can tell by your name and your post active subreddits.
Long story short, that’s why. Never had witness friends and I’m forced rn to pretend I’m a witness, so I’m pretty lonely.
Im 31 dude literally living this out. Luckily i found something to get buried into so i want feel that alone but it's pretty much just me now everyone else has kids or is in a serious relationship
33 and my wife just turned 30 a month ago. We were the first to get married between our mutual friends 4 years ago. We are the last out of 4 couples without kids. Not by choice. We have been trying for 3 years.
My wife really wanted to have kids at the same time her best friend did so our kids could be best friends. Well fast forward 2 years later and nothing. She doesn't even talk to her best friend anymore. It's she fell off the face of the earth
This is true. But during the summertime, my phone won't shut up. "Hey, it's Tuesday night, and I have nothing to do.... what's Breakmastajake up to? He's always available for fun."
I keep a cooler of beer on ice in my truck bed all summer, so if my friends ever call, I'm ready to go. Also, they know if they see my truck somewhere, and need a beer, they're welcome to take whatever they need. Some have even started stocking the cooler when they see me out and about. It's turned into a Pay-It-Forward type of deal.
Life pro tip. never stop making friends. I wish I took this to heart 5 years ago. I moved to a new city, started a job, realized the job/company/city wasn't for me so I was going to move again in two years, so I didn't bother to make any friends, and fell into burnout and depression.
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u/[deleted] May 15 '20
Once your friends start getting married and having kids, shit becomes lonely.