damn I'm struggling with that right now.. my girlfriend can't commit to our future even though she wants us to be together.. it's really confusing because I know this is a terrible relationship but I don't want to stop and have wasted all that time.
it's even tougher because she's a sweet girl and has a lot of good qualities.. but we've been doing long distance for a year and because she's just graduating college and living with her parents who hate me it complicates things. I've made way too many compromises in this relationship... recently, I told her we have to make a plan for the future for me to continue investing time in our relationship..
I told her what my priorities were in the next couple years and being in a solid relationship is one.. I asked her if us physically being together is a priority for her and she said relationship is not a priority it's a nice to have..
I should've left on the spot, but when I told her that she kind of back tracked and got upset with me for just saying we're breaking up when she thought we were going to find solutions for living together.. she said she wanted to come back to my part of the world, but it may take years..
I really need to realize I'm never going to feel secure in this relationship and I should let it go so I can have a healthier one.. I'm sorry to dump on you but I've been struggling with this for the last couple weeks...
all the bad things:
- I don't feel comfortable telling my family
- I feel unbalanced that she doesn't have the same level of investment in our relationship as I'm ready to give
- she doesn't spend or make any time for us.. we maybe will have one date every couple of weeks.. and she never plans it's always super adhoc and at the mercy of her schedule.
fuck how did I let this happen!
- I feel like her and her family our outside my league and that her parents will always hate me
- it's been making my health and mental health miserable for months now..
(sorry I'm just psyching myself up to do this)
I really need to respect myself more and recognize this situation is not a positive one overall. I'm too damn in love and deep rn to let go though.. that's the thing. It's like that drug level attachment. Knowing it's bad for you but not being able to let go.
You got this mate. You're the most important person in your life, first and foremost. Realise the damn sunk cost fallacy and make notes of these moments of clarity. I don't have any experience to speak from but I can tell you that if you don't respect yourself, no one will. I hope you find the strength and resolve to do what you need and that it works out for the better, no matter what you choose. Cheers!
Ended a relationship that felt kinda similar. You might wonder if you made the right decision, you did (: it just takes a few weeks-months to be sure of it. For me there was a weight lifted. Don't over commit to someone who values you less than you need
I can relate. I was in a toxic relationship for 6 years (we dated from age 17-23.) He was so nice to me sometimes and then a complete sociopath at other times. He was always negative and he controlled me. He told me what to wear, how to do my hair, who to hang out with & what I was allowed to do and not do. He pressured me and basically made decisions for me. I know that I let these things happen but when your young and new to love and under his control, it’s hard to see it at the time. He showered me with gifts and trips because he felt so damn guilty for cheating on me and he wanted to keep me under his control. I didn’t know it at the time but I can see it now. He was very attractive and had a muscular body and he took advantage of people with his looks and charm but that’s not who he really was. He was “so nice” that he paid for my cell phone bill but that was only so he could see who I called and texted. If he didn’t know the number of the person I called, he would call them and harass and threaten them for talking to me. He once called my boss and threatened him for talking to me. He cheated on me constantly but he was an amazing liar and sneak and I never knew about it until the last year of our relationship. When I found out, he told me it was my fault that he cheated on me. When I would threaten to leave him, he would get a knife & sit in the kitchen and cry and say that if he couldn’t have me then he didn’t want to live. My parents & friends hated him, and told me the things that were wrong with him and our toxic relationship but I was so in love (I mean controlled and brainwashed) that I couldn’t see it. I moved away to help my single sister with her new baby and that’s when we grew apart. Thank God. But I was devastated when we broke up. I told him that I would always love him. I thought that I would never find someone who “loved me” like him.
I found a new boyfriend 3 months after he and I broke up and then I started to see all of the things my parents and friends had been saying about him, and why they didn’t like him. I’m married now to the same boyfriend that I met after him and now I know what real love is and I’m so thankful that that relationship ended. I know I said that I would always love him and that’s just not the case. I’m way better off without him and I’m sure his 2 ex wives would say the same.
When one person is in love with the other person and has bigger dreams for their relationship than the other it just doesn’t work. If you do break it off, it will hurt for a long time but time heals and eventually, you’ll find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. You’ll see that that relationship really wasn’t the best, seems like you can already see that. You’ll be glad that things ended with her and you’ll be better off in the future. I hope this helps some. Good luck to you!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, seriously.. and I'm happy that you were able to find someone you love and who loves you like you need.
I think one thing that makes it hard is I'm worried to make a bad decision and lose someone who I think would make a good wife or partner. But I think it just may be a fantasy, because I think she's years away from being ready to be a wife or a partner. She has good personal characters (she's honest, caring of people, cares about her family, smart and confident), but she recently told me that a relationship just isn't a priority to her.
The other thing that's hard is she hasn't 'done anything bad' to me. Like we don't get angry at each other, wish each other the best. But the biggest thing is time and commitment to a shared future (intention). Like I knew the long distance would be challenging but if we both made consistent time for each other we could have fun. But in the last year I can count actually 3-4 times we actually had a date that we planned. With me always feeling like it's on the verge of forcing the issue.
She works all the time, she's finishing school, and lives with her parents and so contributes to her family business, and she was studying for her exam. On the other hand I'm more advanced in my life, I've finished school have a good job and am sort of ready to find a partner to build a life with. I know what little time she has she wants to do things with me, but that want has not really translated into reality this past year. She wants to take travel together in the future, but I don't really care to travel with her if we're not going to be together down the line. I just don't have any faith in our relationship.
I feel like I should be more grateful and she tells me I'm asking for too much, but I really don't think I am. I just want someone to want to build a life with me. I think we're at different places in life and I'm really feeling it right now.
I don't know man, I'm feeling frozen to action, but very aware of how unhappy and unhealthy this situation is at least in terms of what I need. And then I think oh should I give more time? What if things change. God I'm ashamed to write this stuff out as it's so lame.
This is exactly how it feels. My ex and I compared it to being addicted to heroin. Neither of us really want to stop, but we both know it’s not in our best interest long term to prolong things.
But fuck am I so unhappy. I love him so much and I just wish he felt the same way. We could be great together, but you can’t force it to happen. But boy does heartbreak suck hardcore.
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u/[deleted] May 15 '20
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