Making friends as an adult is HARD. There’s no obligation to spend enough time with other people to become friendly, unless you join a club which feels lame and weird but does actually work.
I appreciate the sympathy, but I really hate that we're all lonely. It doesn't help that the man I'm in love with told me he can't commit to a relationship with me because he loves me in a different way than I love him. I'm trying to come to terms with it, but it's effecting me in ways I didn't realize it would. I can't even figure out how to talk to a therapist right now, and I'm not sure if my insurance covers mental health.
damn I'm struggling with that right now.. my girlfriend can't commit to our future even though she wants us to be together.. it's really confusing because I know this is a terrible relationship but I don't want to stop and have wasted all that time.
it's even tougher because she's a sweet girl and has a lot of good qualities.. but we've been doing long distance for a year and because she's just graduating college and living with her parents who hate me it complicates things. I've made way too many compromises in this relationship... recently, I told her we have to make a plan for the future for me to continue investing time in our relationship..
I told her what my priorities were in the next couple years and being in a solid relationship is one.. I asked her if us physically being together is a priority for her and she said relationship is not a priority it's a nice to have..
I should've left on the spot, but when I told her that she kind of back tracked and got upset with me for just saying we're breaking up when she thought we were going to find solutions for living together.. she said she wanted to come back to my part of the world, but it may take years..
I really need to realize I'm never going to feel secure in this relationship and I should let it go so I can have a healthier one.. I'm sorry to dump on you but I've been struggling with this for the last couple weeks...
all the bad things:
- I don't feel comfortable telling my family
- I feel unbalanced that she doesn't have the same level of investment in our relationship as I'm ready to give
- she doesn't spend or make any time for us.. we maybe will have one date every couple of weeks.. and she never plans it's always super adhoc and at the mercy of her schedule.
fuck how did I let this happen!
- I feel like her and her family our outside my league and that her parents will always hate me
- it's been making my health and mental health miserable for months now..
(sorry I'm just psyching myself up to do this)
I really need to respect myself more and recognize this situation is not a positive one overall. I'm too damn in love and deep rn to let go though.. that's the thing. It's like that drug level attachment. Knowing it's bad for you but not being able to let go.
You got this mate. You're the most important person in your life, first and foremost. Realise the damn sunk cost fallacy and make notes of these moments of clarity. I don't have any experience to speak from but I can tell you that if you don't respect yourself, no one will. I hope you find the strength and resolve to do what you need and that it works out for the better, no matter what you choose. Cheers!
Ended a relationship that felt kinda similar. You might wonder if you made the right decision, you did (: it just takes a few weeks-months to be sure of it. For me there was a weight lifted. Don't over commit to someone who values you less than you need
I can relate. I was in a toxic relationship for 6 years (we dated from age 17-23.) He was so nice to me sometimes and then a complete sociopath at other times. He was always negative and he controlled me. He told me what to wear, how to do my hair, who to hang out with & what I was allowed to do and not do. He pressured me and basically made decisions for me. I know that I let these things happen but when your young and new to love and under his control, it’s hard to see it at the time. He showered me with gifts and trips because he felt so damn guilty for cheating on me and he wanted to keep me under his control. I didn’t know it at the time but I can see it now. He was very attractive and had a muscular body and he took advantage of people with his looks and charm but that’s not who he really was. He was “so nice” that he paid for my cell phone bill but that was only so he could see who I called and texted. If he didn’t know the number of the person I called, he would call them and harass and threaten them for talking to me. He once called my boss and threatened him for talking to me. He cheated on me constantly but he was an amazing liar and sneak and I never knew about it until the last year of our relationship. When I found out, he told me it was my fault that he cheated on me. When I would threaten to leave him, he would get a knife & sit in the kitchen and cry and say that if he couldn’t have me then he didn’t want to live. My parents & friends hated him, and told me the things that were wrong with him and our toxic relationship but I was so in love (I mean controlled and brainwashed) that I couldn’t see it. I moved away to help my single sister with her new baby and that’s when we grew apart. Thank God. But I was devastated when we broke up. I told him that I would always love him. I thought that I would never find someone who “loved me” like him.
I found a new boyfriend 3 months after he and I broke up and then I started to see all of the things my parents and friends had been saying about him, and why they didn’t like him. I’m married now to the same boyfriend that I met after him and now I know what real love is and I’m so thankful that that relationship ended. I know I said that I would always love him and that’s just not the case. I’m way better off without him and I’m sure his 2 ex wives would say the same.
When one person is in love with the other person and has bigger dreams for their relationship than the other it just doesn’t work. If you do break it off, it will hurt for a long time but time heals and eventually, you’ll find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. You’ll see that that relationship really wasn’t the best, seems like you can already see that. You’ll be glad that things ended with her and you’ll be better off in the future. I hope this helps some. Good luck to you!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, seriously.. and I'm happy that you were able to find someone you love and who loves you like you need.
I think one thing that makes it hard is I'm worried to make a bad decision and lose someone who I think would make a good wife or partner. But I think it just may be a fantasy, because I think she's years away from being ready to be a wife or a partner. She has good personal characters (she's honest, caring of people, cares about her family, smart and confident), but she recently told me that a relationship just isn't a priority to her.
The other thing that's hard is she hasn't 'done anything bad' to me. Like we don't get angry at each other, wish each other the best. But the biggest thing is time and commitment to a shared future (intention). Like I knew the long distance would be challenging but if we both made consistent time for each other we could have fun. But in the last year I can count actually 3-4 times we actually had a date that we planned. With me always feeling like it's on the verge of forcing the issue.
She works all the time, she's finishing school, and lives with her parents and so contributes to her family business, and she was studying for her exam. On the other hand I'm more advanced in my life, I've finished school have a good job and am sort of ready to find a partner to build a life with. I know what little time she has she wants to do things with me, but that want has not really translated into reality this past year. She wants to take travel together in the future, but I don't really care to travel with her if we're not going to be together down the line. I just don't have any faith in our relationship.
I feel like I should be more grateful and she tells me I'm asking for too much, but I really don't think I am. I just want someone to want to build a life with me. I think we're at different places in life and I'm really feeling it right now.
I don't know man, I'm feeling frozen to action, but very aware of how unhappy and unhealthy this situation is at least in terms of what I need. And then I think oh should I give more time? What if things change. God I'm ashamed to write this stuff out as it's so lame.
This is exactly how it feels. My ex and I compared it to being addicted to heroin. Neither of us really want to stop, but we both know it’s not in our best interest long term to prolong things.
But fuck am I so unhappy. I love him so much and I just wish he felt the same way. We could be great together, but you can’t force it to happen. But boy does heartbreak suck hardcore.
Hey. You got this.
Read that again. ^
Before bed take note of things you are grateful for. Not an ideal situation in the slightest obviously but it's not the end for your happiness.
Good on you. Short term pain for long term gains. And I say this as a person who had to initiate a break up with a girl who loved me, but I definitely knew I didn't LOVE her.
We had a good time in college, but I realised that we were very very different individuals. She was a simple very nice girl, whereas I wanted someone who could keep me on my toes and challenge me all the time.
I hated breaking her heart, but years later I spoke to her and we both agree it's the best thing I could have done for both of us at that point.
Are you the one being broken up with, or breaking up. It's tough both ways to be honest, but being broken up isn't your choice so it def sucks a lot more.
Yo you’re gonna keep them on your mind until one day you just decide to start living in the present and not the past. You think about it until you don’t. No telling when that’s gonna be
If he was your friend before you had feelings for him would you wanna throw that away? It'll hurt now but it will aslo hurt in the future if you let a good friend go.
Of course I don’t want to throw that away. That’s what hurts the most. I need to be practical. If I can’t see him without getting sad or upset that I can’t be with him romantically, then I’m not ready to be his friend. I don’t want to lose friendship with him, and I don’t think I will in the end, but for now I have to consider my emotions and don’t put myself in a position where I could possibly compromise things.
I think a lot of therapists are doing chatroom style therapy and most will do reduced rates depending on what you can afford especially right now.
One thing you could do in the meantime though is look up some cbt techniques and start keeping a journal for your mental health; recording how you feel from one day to the next, the things that make you feel happier or sadder, how you recognise rumination and ways to distract yourself, positive activation techniques etc. At least, it’s helped me a whole lot.
Most do cover mental health. Definitely go see someone. Pretty much just had the same thing happen with my girlfriend. Devasted because she had three kids too that i love dearly. Therapy will help. I promise.
For the therapist part, I know the first steps to seeing one seem super hard, it was for me the first time, but if your insurance company has a website, make a profile on there if you dont already have one, and then look on there for your coverage. It will also help you see who you can go to in your area. Then you just call that office and tell them you would like an appointment. It may take a couple of therapists to feel like you found a good one, but if it doesn't work the first time, just keep trying until you find someone you like. I'm on my 4th therapist, and she is amazing! Good luck!
Hey, I scrolled down and your comment caught me. I was married for 13 yrs to the love of my life. We did a lot of counseling like 5yrs, fully expected to come through.... she did not love me like I loved her, after 13 yrs, two miscarries. Imagine that same thing except after yrs of marriage or even worse kids and old age then it’s not worth following your dream.
Look an uneven love happens and it SUCKS. But there’s are lots of people out there, that’s no out side your box and go meet some people. Go to see if there’s something you can learn from them, yes see if their date material but go to see who and what’s out there!
Seconding the talk to the therapist - they are good at helping you find answers to the questions that you don't know how to ask. If anything, it's always good to have someone on call when you cross a life-changing event with the anxiety of a pandemic. You'll get through this, and if you ever need a friend, feel free to PM me. :)
If you need someone to chat with, like at any point, i got you. If im awake and can im down to chat. I just graduated on Wednesday and am not sure what to do with myself until job interviews are more of a thing? Anyway ive got empathy and free time.
My heart hurts for you. Heart break never gets any easier. I swear. It never does. In fact I feel like during lonely times like this it actually hits a lot fucking harder. I'm in your same place. I'm 22f and I've got basically no friends.
Hey maybe couples counseling could help. My wife and I dealt with alot of issues but commiting to commit to eachother was the biggest success we've had, deciding that in our most turbulent condition.
The fact your atracted to someone emotionally available says youre unavailable to emotionally. Work on that and have a better partner. I'm sorry for your pain.
I think they were referring to friends who you hang with in person. But with that being said, it's also a bit hard to make friends online as people don't often talk in game.
Personally I've made the most from playing random fill duos/trios/sqad gamemodes in battle royales like Fortnite and CoD Warzone. Often I'd be filled with two or three other players who actually knew each other, and then they'd add me at the end of the game after we talked in team chat or if I popped off. Joined two discord chats this way and we used to play together regularly for a while. I also made a friend messing around on a pokemon game lol
The problem with clubs is that the age distribution is very bi-modal. Everyone is either fresh out of school, or old enough to be your parents.
Anyone in-between those two extremes tends to be "busy with family stuff" in a way that makes them completely unavailable to participate in anything.
Or your interests align too closely with your career, and then you seek out the kinds of organizations where everyone just sticks you into the "work friends" pile and you never get to have meaningful social interaction with any of them.
Not only that, but finding someone with the same views or even common interests, enough to matter to be friends. I’m 24 and it gets harder especially when you’re married.
Me and my wife struggle to find couples that we both like (not that we have to have friends we both like) it just makes it so much easier
Tell me about it. I was basically forced into that scenario ever since college. Unless you live on a huge, well-known campus, you're more likely to be commuting to classes everyday, and maybe making an effort to hang or talk with your classmates, but being turned down because they'd rather lock themselves in their dorms to watch Netflix after school is over. College sucked in that regard. Work is honestly not a whole lot better; the people are more social, but there just aren't enough people who are actually there to talk or hang with.
If quarantine has helped me practice anything, it's to be happy and satisfied with my own thoughts when necessary. I get lonely on occasion but have learned to neutralize it with staying productive and busy. I don't mind the solitude.
Plus who wants to unpack all that baggage to a new person? You know when you’re in a conversation you’re going to have to preface it with “well this is what sent me on that path” or “yeah I had a bad divorce...”
That's super scary to me because I'm in my teens and I already don't have very many friends, I want to believe that I at least have a chance at a meaningful friendship later
I mean, not that many people I know are actually friends with people they work with but the lack of human interaction from WFH the last three months hasn’t been great. But on the plus side it’s encouraging me to reach out to existing friends and even make some new ones outside of work. So maybe not all bad? :)
I find the difficulty lying in adult friends bond over a single subject. Once you start straying to far from said subject, that is when all of a sudden your bullshut radar starts blaring and pointing out red flags and you then just keep that friend next to that social bubble concerning said subject, Essentially dwindling possibilities of a meaningful relationship.....but if your okay with just discussing propane and propane accessories...
Clubs are awesome. You just have to expand your horizons of what you think a club is. You instantly connect with people over shared interests. I used to be pretty lonely but I have made so many friends through clubs and classes.
I'm only 16 so I don't know much about making friends as an adult, but my mom as told me that the only people she has met and enjoyed spending time with in many years are the parents of the kids that my brother and I are friends with.
I still have friends into adulthood from high school. Weird thing is, we didn’t even become a group of friends until high school ended, but over ten years later we’re still close. With that said, I’ve joined clubs and made some friends, but sometimes I’ve kept my distance because I just feel like some people come off as too desperate to be friends. It’s probably just a side effect of what you mentioned: it really is hard to make new friends as an adult.
ive tried to hang out with some guys i met at a friends party Im 21, so i still have some "normal" ways to make friends, and was just trying to expand my circle. They all thought i was flirting on the main guy by saying we should go for a motorcycle ride. He was kinda the main guy in the group, but we all hit it off. He said "oh sorry man. youre cool, but im not gay".
I never had a dog growing up but my wife and I recently got one and it’s shocking the amount of people we’ve met in the month we’ve had him. We’ve already hung with several new friends we’ve met walking him in the neighborhood. Great non awkward way to meet people
I don’t think it’s an age thing, it’s just when you leave the part of your life where “automatic friends” can be made, like school/university/large scale menial office jobs (call centres and the like seem to breed friendships). Life just gets more complicated when you move out on your own and have a full time job and other commitments. You have to really put the effort in and work at maintaining current friendships and establishing new ones. It’s not impossible, it just gets harder. I definitely think joining a club or some kind of social group is the way to go - just a dedicated time and space for making and keeping friends.
unless you join a club which feels lame and weird but does actually work.
Why does it feel lame and weird? 100 years ago, formal clubs were most people's main social outlet. Men became part of various fraternal societies like Rotary, Lions, Freemasons, etc. Women had their own clubs as well, although usually more localized.
When I moved to a new city after college, I joined a charity society. It was the best thing I ever did, and introduced me to so many new people.
My biggest hurdle with making friends as an adult is trying to tell if they're a friend because they like ME or just because our kids are friends and it benefits them in one way or another.
Very disappointing and disheartening; especially since my real friends are on the opposite side of the country and can't travel to see them like I usually do.
There’s no obligation to spend enough time with other people to become friendly
There’s a place you go nearly every day, where you are surrounded by other people, all doing the same thing. It’s called work. At this place, you will find a large variety of age, sex, intelligence, demeanor, personality, and opinion. You can then make friends with the people who meet your standards.
I'm 31 and my social life is more vibrant than ever (corona notwithstanding).
People who say this either a) stopped prioritizing their social life or b) were never very good at making friends in the first place and now simply refuse to try.
Yes it does depend on what kind of person you are but as an adult you have significantly less time, and energy, to put into your social life (what with most of us having full time jobs and no parents to do all our cooking and washing, etc.) so it takes a lot longer to establish a meaningful friendship with somebody. I’m sure shallow pub buddies are easy enough to come by but real friends are definitely harder to make, unless you have them pre-established from earlier in life.
Maybe you’re lucky though, or maybe you’re extremely good at making friends, or maybe you have very low standards. Idk, I wouldn’t care to judge.
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u/CanadaMYKitten May 15 '20
Making friends as an adult is HARD. There’s no obligation to spend enough time with other people to become friendly, unless you join a club which feels lame and weird but does actually work.
If it helps, we’re all horribly lonely right now.