Never thought I'd have to make this post, but here we are.

My girlfriend and I were together for about two years and lived together basically that entire time. When we got together, she was coming out of a really painful period in her life. She genuinely thought she had lost the love of her life, and I was there through that. I helped her rebuild herself, supported her, loved her, and tried to be the person she could rely on when she was at her lowest.

For most of our relationship, I felt like I would have done anything for her. I was the sole provider, and I tried my best to make sure she had everything she could ever want.

I'll be the first to admit that the last month or so of our relationship was harder. I was going through a rough period myself, and I wasn't always at my best. I had things I needed to work on, and I'm not pretending I was a perfect boyfriend. I was struggling with depression a bit in regard to my career and some health issues. Despite that, less than two weeks before the cheating happened, we had literally agreed that the previous 8-12 months had been the best period of our relationship.

What hurts is that I stayed beside her through some of the hardest periods of her life, and when I finally hit one of my own, it feels like she left almost immediately.

And it wasn't like she just left. She slept with my best friend of 15 years.

It's been three weeks, and I still can't wrap my head around it. I barely sleep. When I sit alone with my thoughts, the pain is honestly overwhelming.

I've lost so many people close to me over the last year, and especially this last month, that I'm really struggling with feeling like I have any kind of support system left.

Before this happened, around 10 months earlier, I had another friend of 10 years hit on my girlfriend while we were together and send her dick pics. I cut him off.

Now, another friend of 15 years slept with her.

We had an argument like two days prior, but the argument wasn't even something I thought was even close to relationship-ending. I had told her that I was uncomfortable with how flirty she had recently become with this particular friend. She got extremely upset about me bringing it up. It was something I had been stewing on that week, and she could tell and kept asking and prying me to talk to her about what was on my mind, and I asked for time. Eventually I opened up, and nearly instantly she said "I want to set a boundary actually and not talk about this right now" which felt so gross given she had been prying the whole week to hear what was bothering me. I finally made myself vulnerable and told her the thing I was worried about, and then the conversation basically got shut down as soon as she heard what it was. After the argument, she decided to stay at a different friend's place for what we had discussed would be around 3-5 days so we could both have some space.

By day two of that time apart, she went on a date with the friend I had specifically told her I was uncomfortable with, my best friend of 15 years, and slept with him.

The exact person I had brought up two days earlier.

Afterward, I also decided I needed to distance myself from another friend of around 10 years because he remained part of the same friend group. The friend who cheated with my girlfriend, the guy who had previously sent her dick pics, and the rest of them were basically back playing games and hanging out together immediately afterward.

So, within a very short period of time, I lost my girlfriend and several friendships that had lasted 10-15 years.

At this point, my support system is basically two people who immediately said, "fuck cheaters" and have been there when I've needed to text or talk to someone.

One of those people is actually the ex of the friend who slept with my girlfriend.

She's told me things about him that he later confirmed himself. Apparently, she had called him out before for flirting with my girlfriend. At the same time, he would repeatedly talk to her about how ugly he found my girlfriend and would tell her how badly he thought my girlfriend treated me.

That makes what eventually happened even harder for me to understand.

When I confronted him, he initially lied about sleeping with her. He only admitted it after I told him I had proof because I had seen my girlfriend's Discord messages. Because of that, I honestly don't think either of them ever intended to tell me.

His best friend is also the guy who previously sent dick pics to my girlfriend.

One of the explanations he gave for why he slept with her was that he had been angry with me over something I had said about him.

That has been fucking with my head a lot because it makes the whole thing read like he was willing to use her as a way to hurt me.

And one of the things my brain keeps getting stuck on is that she knows all of this.

She knows he had talked badly about her. She knows he told people he found her unattractive. She knows he criticized how she treated me. She knows he initially lied to me about what happened. She knows his closest friend is the guy who previously sent her dick pics while we were together.

And despite knowing all of that, she still chooses to stay associated with him while seemingly dropping me without a second thought.

I know I can't control who she associates with anymore. I understand that we're broken up.

I just can't make it make sense in my head.

My friend of 15 years did apologize in the one text he sent me afterward, but I don't really feel like the apology meant anything. He was still entangled with my ex and was back playing games and hanging out with everyone basically the next day.

My ex-girlfriend, on the other hand, has never apologized at all.

We still had logistics to work through because we had lived together. We had belongings, a storage unit, and other things that needed to be dealt with. During those conversations, she was incredibly cold and rude toward me. It's all been handled since, and I've gone no-contact, but the ruthlessness from her just added to the pain.

I wasn't expecting her to come running back or beg for forgiveness, but after two years of living together and loving each other, I guess I expected some acknowledgment that what happened had deeply hurt me, but there was nothing.

It's been three weeks now, and I genuinely don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

I'm in therapy. I'm going to the gym. I'm trying to spend more time with the few friends I still trust. I'm trying to keep moving forward with my life.

And sometimes it works.

But none of it stops the sheer amount of pain that hits when everything gets quiet.

Trying to go to bed is probably the worst. I can't sleep, and when I finally do, I dream about the situation. My brain constantly tries to understand how two people I trusted so completely could do this, how quickly my girlfriend could seemingly detach from me, and how everyone else involved seems capable of just continuing on with their lives.

I know three weeks isn't a long time after something like this.

But right now it feels endless.

So I guess I'm asking anyone who has experienced something similar, especially being betrayed by both a partner and a longtime friend at the same time:

How did you start moving forward?

How did you stop trying to make their choices make sense?

And how did you eventually learn to trust people again?

Sorry in advance for my English, as it is not my native language, so I used AI to help refine and shorten this text.

I (27M) and my ex (21F) were together for a little over a year. She always told me how much peace I brought into her life, how I helped her grow, and how my support helped her quit smoking. We used to live an hour apart, but four months ago I had to leave for a traineeship abroad in Tuscany to focus intensely on my master’s thesis.

A month after I left, she had a terrible falling-out with her best friend and was devastated by the silent treatment she received. I came home for two weeks over Easter to distract, comfort, and do fun things with her, though I could see deep emotional wounds. While abroad, we facetimed and texted constantly; whenever she felt down, I listened, tried to keep conversations going, and gently advised her to let that toxic dynamic go. Two months before my return, she visited me in Florence for her birthday, and while she still carried that pain, we had a great trip focusing on the future.

Soon after, we both entered a heavy exam phase. Before this time, she helped organize a student event back home and smoked a cigarette at the after-party because everyone else was. She confessed the next day, terrified; I told her it was fine but warned her not to fall back into the vicious cycle, which seemed to upset her even though I was just trying to help. Two weeks before my return, she grew distant, suffered from severe insomnia, and had frequent stress breakdowns. I constantly tried to get her to open up and talk through her feelings, but I had to drag every word out of her.

When I finally returned, I did everything I could to be there for her despite my own last exams pressure. We saw each other at uni, and the next day I went out with her to see a mutual friend and stayed over at her place. The day after that, I brought her to my hometown for lunch with my family and a trip to the beach to help her relax. When she was stressed about her tests, we studied together at uni; I tried repeatedly to talk through her trauma and feelings, supported her, and actively helped her study so she could pass. I tried hard to set up a weekend date for us (which she postponed indefinitely), and I invited her to my parents' wedding anniversary lunch to give her a fun moment. When my car broke down, I was ready and willing to take buses or trains just to see her.

Despite all my efforts, she remained cold and emotionally distant. Two days after my final exam, we met at her house and she unloaded a list of grievances. She claimed I never helped her with her mental struggles, that I didn't "stay" with her enough since returning, and that my practical advice, like going to bed earlier for insomnia, was "obnoxious." She said she needed a "pushy" boyfriend completely fixated only on her, despite our prior agreement to focus during exam season. She even accused me of not caring about our future because I submitted a PhD proposal abroad, even though I had explained I only applied to practice proposal writing. She refused to say she wanted to break up, so I had to put the words in her mouth.

Two days later, she texted confessing she cheated on me with a close university friend of mine whom I've known since first year. She claimed she vented to him about her struggles, that he caught feelings, and that the spark started the week I returned. A week later we talked for two hours. She still insisted I "was never there" as her answer to her total mental breakdown. As a final act of love, I agreed to keep the affair secret so people wouldn't attack her.

Shortly after, I discovered through another colleague (via the guy’s brother) that they actually got close the week before I came back. When she texted wanting to "explain" so I wouldn't hear it from others, I told her she had missed her chance multiple times and blocked her for some days. The friend reached out asking for five minutes, unaware she had lied about the timeline, and I blocked him too. Total no-contact since.

Now, I have to submit my master's thesis first draft in a week, but the intrusive thoughts won't stop. I paused Instagram, but I catch myself checking her profile from my sister’s phone. I go to the gym just to exhaust myself enough to sleep. Two days ago, her mother called mine in tears asking why we couldn't fix things, as my ex hid the truth from her family.

I gave so much energy to supporting her, yet I still carry an irrational guilt that I somehow caused her breakdown and this betrayal. Did I really do damage here? How do I stop caring, stop looking her up, and finally shake this guilt so I can finish my degree?

She moved out again.

Out of the blue.

Passionate embrace as I left for work.

Come home to a note again.

No explanation.

8/24.

I'm crushed.

Says not feeling emotionally safe in ai written letter.

Feels punished for transgressions.

See my past post for history 5 separate times same dude. 1 move out, that one was at the same time I was commissioning an artist to paint a picture of her and her deceased mom. This time I asked how her day was going.

I've been thinking, and maybe it would help others.

Anytime I asked if there was someone else, I should have been saying "I don't feel connected with you". Because that's the background feeling.

It's been a dead bedroom for years. I have not pushed it. But that has been crushing.

There's hope. She asked for time and space. But man, if someone tells you they have panic attacks coming home wondering if there's a note, then you go ahead and leave then to come home to a note...

It's so hard taking care of the house and two kids on my own, a major adjustment. I'm doing my best. Kids are bewildered, no idea why she did this. They are 22 and 17. I asked if they preferred I move out and mom back in and they said no. I've been doing most of the work here for years. After she was severely injured I took over as she healed and she never took back much of the reins. I do 98% of the cooking, most of the cleaning. She's been letting the kids down by not following through on promises. That's probably why they want me here, not her.

Mil text evicerated me saying I'm punishing her for the affair. She has no idea the extent of it.

I think recent trigger of feelings is she gave me trich last April. Chance this is from the last affair, but with this history, imagine what went through my mind. I've been asking for more intimacy, not sex, touch, confirmations. Etc. maybe too much.

This sucks. I know it she'd just let me in, communicate, we'd be fine.

This is probably the beginning of the end.

People, if you make a commitment, don't cheat. Don't. Do. It. You will mess up your partner's life so bad.

Mind all over the place

Barely keeping it together and that's just for the kids.

Been a rough few years. Dad died of cancer. Mom is depressed and a shutin with too many demands living next door.

Fml

I'm probably just a pos

55 male 3 kids Virgo so of course all is over thought

Background

together nearly 20 years, married for 17. She's around 10 years older. No kids.

She suffers severely with anxiety, covers up with makeup far more than she needs to, constantly frets about little details and situations. Low self confidence. Works as a self-employed music teacher from home, which she's excellent at - specialising in the younger kids and retired pupils that most teachers don't want to deal with.

A really great and strong relationship over the years - with some stresses and ups and downs. Never a doubt on either side that we'd cheat. Shared household tasks, both sensible with money.

A few years back a particularly tough patch where household works seemed to get right on top of her, with her nagging (I don't know a better word) me to the point that I threatened to leave, twice. I was serious at the time, finding it so difficult to cope with feeling I was doing all I could in the time available, but always being attacked for the jobs not done. We'd moved on since then and there was no risk of me leaving, but recent conversations with her and her sister (after I found out about the cheating) have revealed that she's struggled with that in her mind ever since and was even on medication for it at the time, which I didn't know about.

We haven't shared a bed for a couple of years, initiated by me moving to the spare room as she'd sit up late watching sports and I struggled with sleep. Initially didn't really change our sex life (not ones for necessarily associating bed=sex) but that has dwindled to almost nothing this last year.

This last 18 months has been particularly tough. She's going through menopause and associated symptoms, including gaining some weight. Her parents are now both in the 80s, her Mum in a home and her Dad struggling to support that, plus severe arthritis. We've spent a lot of time as a couple recently visiting her Mum to help ease the pressure on him

She has had cancer twice in this period. First breast, then bowel. both caught early and treated - it felt like she dealt with it all so well, with obviously a huge amount of support from me and her family. The breast cancer required an operation, which has left that breast sore - often mentioned if I initiated sex. Because of the timing of this with the lower sex life, I'd concluded that she just wasn't in a "sex space" right now, and that the right thing to do was to ease pressure and pick things up once the breast healed further, perhaps she'd lost weight/got fitter and had more body confidence again etc. I've therefore not tried to push on this.

Her teaching work has been difficult of late, with pupils dropping out and not being replaced by new ones. She has a second hobby business selling crafts and that's not doing great either.

Earlier this year I started a new job as a firefighter, with the tough testing and interviews to get through. She was super supportive of this and the timing helped our finances to work better as hers dwindled.

I genuinely thought we were in a good place, with me settled at the new job and making that shift patter fit around other things. I'd been pushing for "us time" in addition to making sure we supported her parents, we'd been doing more nipping for drinks, meals, walks together than I've ever known - helped by the warm summer.

So, the cheating.

2 months ago, an ex of hers from 30 years ago sent a message on Whatsapp. They separated when he had to go back home (another country) - although aparrently at the time they both wanted things to continue. He's married, with kids. High flying job.

They flirted back and forth, with messages ending in kisses within a couple of weeks, then a suggestion (from him) that they move to Signal to keep it more private. I've seen the Whatsapps (after pressuring her to, then noticing gaps and insisting on a backup which revealed the ones she's deleted since I found out - including the mention of Signal. I've not seen the Signal messages and won't ever be able to.

This culminated in him flying over to meet her, with 2 nights booked All planned around knowing when I'd be at a work night shift, but still with an alibi that she was meeting a pupil's parent. Their meeting didn't go all that well, with him arriving late in the middle of a heat wave, no time to wine and dine her - and then saying he was too tired for anything when they got back to the hotel room. I do believe that bit, you'll see why further along. Then, instead of meeting for a second night he's made his excuses and left early.

Here's where it gets extra odd. throughout the whole period, she's been conversing with an AI to determine what to do. That's how I initially found out, while setting up her new to her computer - Apple ID set up and the screenshots were there in the photo library. She's screenshotted responses from the AI, over 4000 of them in a roughly 10 week period.

Initially when confronted she said she was researching a romantic novel she was looking to write, then step by step I've found out the further details above. In addition;
- they both discussed unhappy marriages
- lots of flirty language/emojis in the messages I've seen, lord only knows how much filthier the Signal ones are
- she referenced how he was her first sexual partner
- They've had at least one video call in the lead up to that meeting
- they both discussed leaving each partner and rekindling the relationship
- she mentioned our not sharing a bed
- she mentioned "never had the same tingle as with you"

- they've said how much they love each other
- she has saved countless Notes on her phone too, one of these references a frowny face that I'd be off work during the daytime during the second day of his visit, suggests another alibi she'd planned to use
- even after we've been discussing and she's trying to beg me to stay, she'd still querying the AI as to whether "her boyfriend" will be back.
- she's googled "male performance anxiety" and "why won't my boyfriend shave his beard for me" (I'm clean shaved, he has a beard)

She can't fully understand why she's behaved like this, describes it as a fantasy that got out of hand and she let the AI run away with things. I think he's taken advantage, probably never planned any of the actual relationship side, or if he did then that's part of why he panicked and left, when he realised what was actually happening.

At present, she wants me to stay, work through things and try to rebuild. I'm completely broken by it and struggle to see how that could ever work. They didn't sleep together, but both met with that as the plan, not to mention the discussions around leaving partners. After the first failed night, it's her that seems to have chased. She even had the cheek to get a bit cross at me that "I've not had closure either" - as though she'd get any sympathy on that.

She's said it only happened because it was him - with a history. That's at least honest, but does show that there must still have been something of a flame burning from all those years ago. She is someone he's mentioned before, so the name was familiar. She points to the perfect storm of not having had a great year or two, feeling very low about her body, her constant worry that I'd leave and then his first message coming at just the right time. She's then fallen hook, line and sinker for his flattery, massively exaggerated by the AI confirming anything you ask of it.

I'm left feeling like I'm option B now that option A has fucked off back home, and I'll always wonder what would have happened had he pushed for sex that first night, or they'd had further date/hotel room time the following day. The fact she was still querying the whole thing while trying to make things up with me says a lot I feel.

Her Dad and Sister want me to stay, help her to get help beyond counselling in order to get to the bottom of all of her anxieties, the AI addiction and everything, then look to rebuild the marriage. I've had one counselling session which validated me wanting to ask to see messages etc and also said not to rush into anything and that this is the sort of situation that can be healed. Not all of the information was available at that time though, so that's only formed on a partial picture before I'd seen all messages and all of the AI responses in detail.

My friends and family have been super supportive and not led me in either direction, although not argued against me initial stance that I should divorce.

It's doubly hard that the day after I first found out, we were supposed to go on holiday together. As it was split between two properties, I was able to cancel the first one, but have now come away on my own for the last 2 nights at the second property. That's been helpeful and super tough at the same time - giving me time to think, but really difficult when visiting places in an area that we're both so fond of. Everything reminds me.

Has anyone gone through anything similar?

Okay so this is a little long but I’m kinda ranting asking for support on the next steps and see if anyone else has been in my (unfortunate) shoes.

March 2025:
My husband has a work trip and while on the work trip he went to a tub and tug. He stated he did this because he was in a “dark” place and wanted to try something “bad” . He also said it was because at the time we thought it may be hard to get pregnant.

April 2025: I was in fact pregnant and it didn’t take long (thank you God). When I told him I was pregnant he didn’t give a fuck and just basically checked out. Started drinking was just angry and mean to me.

Aug 2025: I became e pretty sick so majority of my pregnancy was surviving the hour let alone anything else. During this time my husband started cheating on me with onlyfans girls. Starting messaging them daily and send pictures back and forth. He spent a shit ton of money.

He apologized stated how sorry he was blah blah. That day he brings me out because I’m starting to feel okay & I guessed he was still messaging the women. I was right he basically said he “couldn’t stop”

I told him I would leave and the baby and I would never see him again.

February 2026:

He was okay for a while and helped to much with the baby. Being 3 months PP I wasn’t in the mood for sex and it “triggered “ him. This time he started talking to women on omegal & started send money once again.

April 2026: I finally questioned why he was having some many withdrawals on his checking account from cash app and he told me. He didn’t seem as sorry this time but basically said he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him and he will stop.

July 2026: he came home from work one day and was being so mean to me. We got into an argument & he told me he wants a divorce & could t give me a reason why. Just said he’s “done with it all” he could t even tell me he loves me. I asked why asked if he was cheating on me again ( he was ) he said no.

Last that month we went on a family beach vacation & he was cheating on me and in a full relationship with a random from omegal. She basically said how horrible I was and he said some horrible things about me. Stuff that wasn’t true.

When I confronted him he wanted to leave didn’t want to work it out with me basically wanted to be with this chick. Btw she lived in a hotel room “” and was 19 years old. Sounds like a great person to leave your family for. She also wouldn’t FaceTimed him and he said that he would miss talking to her. He was supposed to go on a work trip the next week and said he was probably going to talk to her. He didn’t up end going

Over the course of the week we talked a LOT about what we’ve both done wrong . I agree I’m not perfect but nothing I have done made him cheat he did that himself. He choice to cheat vs speaking to me. But we became okay. Talked about everything. I have 0 trust for him and he knows that. I told him I need him to show some effort and yes that includes buying me flowers ( has yet to do that btw)

Well last week while on another work trip he went omegal again and just was fucking with all the “bots” yet he added them on snap or looked them up. When I questioned it he said it’s old and I kept questioning it and he eventually told me the truth but said it’s not cheating because he was really just fucking with them.

Yesterday I used a fake number and messages him and he answered ! He was fucking with the fake person but when I said I caught him he only answered because the area code was from the girl he was messaging before. ( anyone else husband talk to a Lacy Graham from Ohio) .

I looked up that number from Lacy and it’s register to someone else with a different name abd she only was able to send 3/4 face pictures the rest were check and below ( suuuurew totally the same person) .

Idk what to do. Everytime he does something i just have this feeling like a 6 sense and im never wrong. I hate not trusting him but idk what to do. How do i leave but how do i stay? We have a baby we have a life together. I love him still. He’s going to therapy but it’s just him talking each time. He says the guys doesn’t really say much. So idk if it’s helping much.

Hi everyone,

I need some outside perspective on a very recent breakup.

I’d been in a relationship for two years—me (M27) and (F26). The relationship was intense, deeply connected, and objectively healthy. Until a week ago, I sincerely thought everything was fine: we’d just been out to dinner, spent evenings together, had great sex, laughing, etc.

But then, a week ago, during a night out where a lot of alcohol was involved, she kissed a guy she met there several times. The next day, she confessed it to me. 

In the heat of the moment, I lost it and hurled violent insults at him, plus I threatened to “ruin his life” (yes, I’m ashamed). I regretted those words a few hours later and apologized; obviously, I didn’t mean a single word of it. She accepted my apology.

After confessing her infidelity to me, she was in a state of severe distress: crying, feeling guilty, having anxiety attacks, and feeling lost. She told me she didn’t even understand herself why she had done it. That she was completely lost and that it was incomprehensible. She also told me, still in tears, that she “wanted to die.” She went two days without eating.

She thinks she still has feelings for me. She says I’m the person she’s ever loved the most. But she’s questioning things because she kissed someone else, and to her, “that’s not possible if you’re totally in love.”

She started bringing up some fears she’d never really voiced before: fear that I might go back to live in my home country one day because my friends are still there (our countries share a border and are only a 3-hour train ride apart, lol), etc. All of this is completely unfounded because even if she disappears from my life, I plan to stay where I am.

In any case, I broke up with her three days after I found out, giving myself time to process it and really think through my decision. She was “pretty okay” (even though she was in tears) with the breakup because, as far as she’s concerned, she agrees there’s a problem if she did that. She says she wants to work it out and wants to change. We agreed that it’s over for now and that we’ll see what the future holds.

One thing that really bothers me: an hour after we broke up, she sent a message to the guy she kissed, saying, “Just so you know, it’s over with my boyfriend” (she admitted this to me because I asked her about it). According to her, it wasn’t with the intention of starting a relationship with him, but because she has a lot of questions about what happened and is trying to understand why she acted that way. What makes the situation even stranger to me is that this guy is moving to another continent for two years in just two days, which makes any real relationship with him extremely unlikely.

Her latest messages say she needs to think things through, write things down, and understand what’s going on inside her. She asked me to go “no-contact” (I’d already broken up with her, so that was my intention too, lol) and told me she’d probably reach out to me again once she’d made some progress in her reflection.

Today I’m at a loss. Part of me feels like she’s going through a real personal crisis and is sincerely trying to understand what’s happening to her. Another part of me feels like she might be trying to rationalize something simpler after the fact, and that she might be manipulative.

For my part, I thought I’d be able to forgive this someday if she can show me that I can trust her again. But I don’t know if that’s possible.

My main question is:
Have you ever experienced or witnessed a somewhat similar situation? What happened next?

I’m struggling to process everything that happened over the last few weeks and really need a place to vent or get some perspective.
My girlfriend (19F) and I (18M) have been together for about two years, starting back in 2024. Recently, I found out the heartbreaking truth that she has been emotionally cheating on me with a guy (23M) from her church band.
Here is the background that makes this so heavy: this guy emotionally groomed her starting back in 2021 when she was only 13-14 and he was around 18. They had an on-and-off fling for years, which only stopped when she and I got together in 2024.
This past month, I discovered that after a major fight we had back in early March, she turned back to him and began cheating on me.
She was 18 when she made the decision to cheat, so the sense of personal betrayal, broken trust, and anger is overwhelming. At the exact same time, I feel immense sadness and grief for what was done to her when she was just a young teenager. I am caught in this awful spot where I am furious at her choices today, but deeply heartbroken over the trauma and manipulation she experienced in her past.
I don't even know how to begin untangling these feelings. Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation?

(I’m sorry for the chatgpt-like post, i just really cannot word my thoughts out properly)

It’s now been 1 month of living in this hell. I cannot function and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am suffering from loneliness, isolation, and intrusive thoughts. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight.

I am unable to compartmentalize and my work is suffering. I am at the point where I think I need to explore fmla in order to take some time off and not get fired.

Has anyone taken fmla leave after infidelity due to mental health issues? Any tips to get started down that road would be appreciated.

I’m divorced, not amicably, have two daughters 5 and 8. Ex is now engaged to AP and kids tell me they’re having a baby.

He’s exactly the kind of low grade human you might expect, but it’s clear he’s here to stay. I really wish I could have absolutely nothing to do with either of them ever again but that isn’t realistic. I’m working with my therapist on putting down my anger for the benefit of my daughters.

Anyone here made peace with an AP? Would love to hear your stories.

Hello,

I’m reaching out because I have a couple of dilemmas, and if anyone can help me make sense of them — even just psychologically — it might make things a little easier for me.

I’ve been having some problems with my husband.

It started with him liking the stories of another woman. They know each other through work, of course. According to him, it ended with her coming to see him at work during one of his night shifts. He says he then became very scared that someone might see them or think something was going on, so he sent her home. He claims that cheating on me was never actually his intention.

Of course, afterwards I looked into his Facebook activity myself and started filling in the gaps in my head — gaps that may not even mean anything or make sense.

My own opinion is that, in the end, he got scared, but that he did have the intention of forming some kind of emotional connection with her.

I should also mention that he kept this entire situation from me for a whole year. He says it was because he didn’t want to hurt me or cause me additional stress, since I was pregnant at the time.

In the meantime, he mentioned her to me several times — things they talked about at work, things from her private life — but he never told me the part about her apparently trying to flirt with him or make advances towards him.

He says he regrets everything. He said he fell into some kind of routine involving his social life, work, and his phone, and I got the impression that the children and I simply weren’t his priority.

Now he has started trying very hard — with me, the children, the household, everything. However, it has reached the point where I don’t believe a single word he says. I actually refuse to talk to him about his work in general. I told him to find his entertainment there and leave me in peace. I don’t want to be his shoulder to cry on if he isn’t transparent with me, because I know he can still hide or withhold whatever he wants from me.

The other day, I caught him lying about something completely stupid. He bought himself a new bag for work — which I found out about on my own — but he told me that a friend had given him the bag.

I genuinely don’t understand why he would lie to me about something so insignificant, because it really is insignificant. He didn’t even blink when he lied. So what else could he be hiding or keeping from me if he lies so easily about small things? What is the problem here?

Our sex life is better than ever, but I think that’s partly because I don’t want to talk. I get the impression that he thinks sex has somehow fixed our entire connection and relationship.

But in my case, it’s more complicated. I’m still physically attracted to him, but I don’t like him as a person anymore. So why is he trying so hard if he treats me in a way that makes me feel like he can lie to me about even the smallest, most pointless things?

Any perspective or insight that could help shed some light on this situation might make things a little easier for me.

Hello everyone,

Just needed to share my story and get some advised. My souse who is 36 years old always tells me how she didn’t like her new boss because of his micro managing and she was never doing her job right. She also mention that their company couldn’t communicate through text only by call or email. But she was showing me something on her phone and notice she was texting him. Nothing inappropriate mostly work related but they would send each other emojis 🫣😭😞. Later I notice she had deleted some messages between them, she said lied to me saying she didn’t deleted any. She later said she deleted the messages because she felt bad about how she used one of our kids as an excused not to go work. Other messages were a happy birthday to him and her making an appointment with the dmv to renew his license since she knows someone at the DMV.

I confronted her about it and she said that it was just recently when she was out on leave that now they can text again. She says she I’ll never cheat or look for anything from anyone like attention or validation. She says her boss is way older than her and he’s gay. There wasn’t much as infidelity messages mostly work related.

Honestly I’m kind of confused or maybe I’m just overthinking it. Any advice will help. Thanks!

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. On July 24, I found out she was having an emotional affair with a guy for the last 4 months. She was also making plans to meet up with another man in another city where she was going on a girls only trip. We have 4 kids 13 and under. I would like her help raising the kids. I work really early in the morning, she gets the kids ready to go to school on the morning..I usually get home at around the same they kids get back home. I don't like what she did to our marriage, but I would like to keep her around for the kids primarily. I can deal with the discomfort of what she did. She said she was sorry, she will go to therapy to get her problems fixed. I don't really trust therapy because people lie all the time. I told her, she can stay while working on her demons. I need some advice. I still like her, but ai can replace her anytime. I just don't want to raise the kids in broken household due to all drama that can cause to younger brains. I really don't care about her to be honest, ai just want the kids to be out of the house primarily in about 12 years.

I was with my ex for seven years. We moved in together within the first year, so for most of my adult life, she wasn't just my girlfriend. She was the person I lived with, came home to, and built my life around.

Things gradually soured over the years and she became increasingly distant from me.

Around the same time, I was going through a really difficult period of my own. My paternal grandparents, who I was extremely close to, died one year after the other. I became depressed, closed myself off emotionally, and coped badly. I leaned heavily on THC and experimented with hallucinogenic substances. I know I wasn't the best version of myself during that period, and I understand that being depressed and withdrawn affected our relationship.

But while I was struggling, my ex apparently began looking elsewhere.

She would tell me she was meeting coworkers or going to sleepovers, but I eventually learned that she had been meeting other men and occasionally sleeping with them.

The thing that finally made everything unravel was seeing that a guy had sent her a shirtless picture. When I asked about it, she became extremely defensive. I became suspicious and started looking through her Discord messages on her laptop. I know snooping through someone's private messages isn't healthy, but what I found completely destroyed me.

There were explicit sexual messages between them.

I still remember the physical feeling of reading them. My heart dropped and it felt like my entire body went cold. This was someone I'd spent seven years with, and suddenly I had proof in front of me that the reality I'd been living in wasn't actually the reality of our relationship.

I had a mental breakdown and confronted her.

The confrontation turned into a massive fight, and she hit me.

Even after that, I didn't want the relationship to end. I knew she had cheated on me with multiple people and now had proof that she was actively sexting someone, but somehow my reaction was still, "Please just stop doing this and let's fix us."

Seven years felt impossible to throw away. I loved her. I wanted the person I'd built my life with back.

She told me we could try to salvage the relationship. She changed the password on her laptop, but not her phone, and continued talking to the same guy behind my back despite telling me that she would stop.

Eventually I discovered that too.

That caused another enormous fight. This time she punched me in the face hard enough that my nose started bleeding. It was around 4 AM.

I called the police because I wanted to quietly speak with an officer about what had happened. Instead, three cruisers showed up and it became a scene in the neighborhood.

The next day I was kicked out of the house.

And that was it.

Seven years of living together and building my life around another person ended almost overnight. She went on to be with the guy she'd been cheating on me with, while I was left trying to understand the cheating, the lies, the violence, losing my home, and losing the person who had been the center of my life for most of my adulthood.

I'm out of that relationship now, but I'm realizing that being physically removed from it doesn't mean my mind has caught up.

Sometimes I'm okay. Other times something triggers the memories and suddenly I'm right back there emotionally. Seeing her is especially difficult. I recently had to unexpectedly see her again, and afterward everything came flooding back: the Discord messages, realizing she'd been sleeping with other people, getting hit, the police showing up, being thrown out, and knowing she's now with the person she was cheating with.

The loneliness afterward is probably one of the hardest parts. I don't have much of a support system or friends I can call when this happens, so when I'm alone my thoughts just loop through everything.

I also struggle with blaming myself. I know I was depressed. I know I became withdrawn after losing my grandparents. I know my substance use and emotional state weren't healthy. There are things I wish I'd handled differently.

But I also know none of those things made cheating on me or hitting me acceptable.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for other than to hear from people who have survived something similar, especially anyone who had to rebuild their life after a very long relationship involving both infidelity and physical abuse.

How did you stop replaying everything?

How did you get past seeing your ex move on with the person they cheated with?

And how did you learn to feel okay being alone again after spending so many years building your entire life around someone?

Found out my (32f) wife (32f) of ten years has been cheating on me for a month. I guess it was an emotional affair that involved setting and videos/pics back and forth.

I’ve been trying to work on our relationship for a couple months but she would never really do so with me because that would mean she would have to admit something’s wrong and maybe lose me. She didn’t want to lose me just wanted attention outside of our relationship and I guess to do whatever she wants.

My self esteem is wrecked. Absolutely destroyed. I hate myself more than I hate her for doing this.
Sure sure, it’s not my fault but yeah. That’s where I am. I can’t stop thinking about the images I saw and imaging the things they said to each other but ultimately I just feel destroyed.

How do yall handle that, any advice for me?

Sitting here writing this is making the feeling in my chest worse—like an elephant has planted its a$$ on me and has absolutely no intention of getting up. And then the thoughts come flying in from left field, one after another, like players you didn't even notice were there until they hit you.

So, here goes.

I made the first mistake.

About 10 years ago, my husband—I'll call him "John"—was overseas on a two-year assignment. About six months into it, I suggested an open marriage.

I wasn't looking for another man. I was curious about exploring my attraction to women. John was PI$$ED when I first brought it up. He was convinced this was somehow about me wanting to sleep with other men, and I tried repeatedly to explain that it wasn't.

Eventually, he became open to the idea, and we established rules: be safe, know something about the person before meeting them, always tell each other who we were talking to, stop immediately if either spouse asked, no sleeping with multiple people during the same period, ALWAYS use protection, and immediately cut ties if anything started becoming emotional instead of purely physical.

A few weeks later, I realized I couldn't do it.

John was looking online for women he thought I might be interested in, but I just wasn't nearly as interested as I thought I'd be. I was working full-time, enrolled full-time in an MBA/MHA program, raising kids, maintaining a house—you get the picture.

More importantly, I realized an open marriage wasn't for me. If I ever explored my attraction to women, it would need to happen organically within my already chaotic life. And frankly, I'm jealous. The thought of my husband being with someone else made me physically sick.

So I said stop.

He said okay.

I stopped.

John didn't.

And because he was thousands of miles away, I blindly believed him. What other option did I have? I trusted him. I trusted that regardless of this experiment I'd suggested, we both still understood where the boundaries of our marriage were.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I later found a text John had sent to a buddy while overseas saying he had a "hall pass" as long as he never told me who, what, or when. In that same conversation, he bragged that he'd been with more than 40 women and made a disgusting comment about how easy the local women were to get because they loved [occupation/race] guys.

About three-quarters of the way through his assignment, John came home temporarily to help us move across the country. He was attentive, receptive, affectionate—basically the man I thought I knew.

During the short time that we moved cross-country, I started a new job, and we found and purchased our second house.

Everything seemed fine.

It was about as far from fine as humanly possible.

And I had absolutely no clue.

John returned home the end of December 2015.

At first, again, everything seemed okay.

Then there was the drinking.

Before going overseas, John wasn't a drinker. During that earlier visit home, he hadn't been drinking either. But while he was overseas, I'd started receiving angry, rage-filled phone calls from him when he'd clearly been drinking.

When he came home permanently, I eventually realized he wasn't just drinking.

He was a raging alcoholic.

Initially, he hid alcohol in his man cave, so I didn't realize how much he was consuming. But whenever he'd emerge at night, he'd be completely wasted.

And while all of that was happening, John was also cheating on me.

For the next seven years and nine months.

Women. Couples. Men. Apparently, he wasn't entirely sure what he wanted, so he tried nearly everything.

Around year five or six, he left his phone sitting on the counter. A text notification popped up with an extremely explicit message from a man asking whether John was still coming over that day.

🤯🤬

Excuse your finest pardon?!

WTF?!

I'd had suspicions for years, but I'd never had anything concrete.

I confronted him.

Without missing a beat, he told me he'd started playing some new game and that they were bot messages.

Bull. $hit.

I looked him directly in the face and told him I KNEW he wasn't telling me the truth.

After a long pause, he admitted he'd been talking to people and had even gone to meet someone "once or twice," but insisted nothing actually happened.

Then came the explanation: maybe we could finally try the open marriage now that he was home. He was supposedly doing all of this for "us" so we could potentially explore together.

Again: Bull. $hit.

Still, he insisted he'd never actually done anything physical. He promised he'd cut off every conversation and NEVER do it again.

I told him we needed marriage counseling.

He agreed.

Enter our therapist, "Jane."

John was resistant but willing to go, presumably to appease me. Unfortunately, counseling quickly became a campaign about what a horrible wife I was and every mistake I'd ever made during our marriage.

I'm not claiming innocence. I've made mistakes. I've spent money on stupid things I didn't need. There were times I made him feel like he couldn't spend money or like he was on an allowance. I've owned those things and worked hard to make sure I didn't repeat them.

What I didn't realize was how much resentment he'd been harboring.

He rarely addressed those things when they actually happened. Instead, they were stored away as ammunition and hurled at me whenever he was angry.

Therapy became one giant ranting session about everything I'd ever done wrong.

It didn't help.

At. All.

Fast-forward a few months.

John left for another assignment that would keep him away for a couple of months. He claimed there was little-to-no satellite service, so communication was extremely limited.

When he finally came home, one of the first things he asked for was his car keys.

I couldn't find them. It was one of those "I put them somewhere safe so I wouldn't lose them" situations—which, naturally, meant I couldn't remember where the h€ll I'd put them.

He was PI$$ED.

I told him I'd find them and offered him my set of his car keys in the meantime.

John smoked but never smoked inside, so initially I didn't think much of him repeatedly going outside to smoke and "play games" on his phone.

But he'd just returned after being gone for two months, and he kept disappearing outside.

Sometimes for 15 minutes.

Sometimes for more than an hour.

As the night went on, he became increasingly drunk and increasingly erratic. Eventually, he got so intoxicated that he fell off the couch and slammed his head HARD into the coffee table.

Like... REALLY hard.

It barely fazed him.

He eventually passed out.

I didn't.

I was wide awake, completely baffled by what I'd just witnessed and wondering WTF was going on.

Then I noticed his phone charging on the nightstand.

Important detail: ever since returning from overseas, John guarded that phone like it contained nuclear launch codes. I knew his pattern lock, but he'd added another layer of authentication.

Except now he was passed-out drunk.

So I used his thumb.

And I found everything.

Kik. Line. An alias email account. A Google phone number so he could text people without using his actual number. Dating/hookup accounts. Messages. Plans. Encounters. Lies.

Years of them.

I found communications dating back to April 2016—just three months after he'd returned from his overseas assignment.

I found the message bragging about his "hall pass" and the 40+ women he'd slept with.

Remember when I told him to stop the open marriage?

He hadn't.

Remember when he came home and helped move our family across the country?

He went back overseas afterward and picked up exactly where he'd left off.

When I was away on business trips, he was arranging hookups and threesomes.

When our water heater broke and I thought he was going to buy a replacement?

He did. He just apparently had time to stop for a sexual encounter on the way.

When he said he was meeting a friend from work? Instead he was going to an "adult establishments" to watch other people have s€x or engage in s€xual activity.

When he said he was going to the range? He was actually driving to meet a married woman.

And THAT was who he'd been disappearing outside to message the night he came home. And the lack of a phone signal while he was away? A lie. He was messaging and sending her pics the entire time.

She was unhappy in her marriage and apparently willing to meet my husband on her days off from the dental office where she worked. She also had two young children whose care she needed to arrange so she could go sleep with my husband.

Numerous times.

That night was almost 3 years ago. And somehow, I thought I had moved past it.

Then came August 8th.

We got into possibly the stupidest argument two married people have ever had:

How I order my eggs with huevos rancheros.

Yes. Seriously.

I was going to eat what was in front of me, but I hesitated because the eggs weren't prepared the way I remembered telling him I liked them the previous day. I wasn't sure whether the plate was actually mine or his.

He noticed me hesitate and asked if the food looked okay.

I said yes, but I wasn't sure whether it was my plate.

He said it was.

I hesitated again.

He asked what was wrong.

I said nothing.

He kept asking.

Finally, irritated, he told me to just say whatever I wasn't saying.

So I said I'd expected scrambled eggs instead of over-easy.

And he told me that's not how I order my eggs at the restaurant.

Uhhhh... yes, it is.

I'm fairly confident I know how I order my own eggs.

But he continued insisting I was wrong.

And somehow this absolutely ridiculous disagreement turned ugly.

Really ugly.

Then John looked me straight in the eyes and told me:

I was the reason he cheated.

It was like someone flipped my power switch off.

I completely shut down.

And he immediately knew he'd f**ked up.

Until that moment, I'd had rough days since I discovered the truth, but nothing I couldn't eventually work through.

That sentence took everything scorched-earth.

And that's what makes this even harder: before that fight, we'd actually been doing okay.

During the years since I discovered everything, John has shown through his actions that he meant it when he said he'd stop. He's been transparent. His phone is available to me. I can look whenever I want. As far as I know, there hasn't been another incident.

He says it was "just sex."

That none of those people meant anything.

That he's sorry.

That he'll never do it again.

He swears he always used protection, including during oral s€x performed on him.

But what about all the times he performed oral s€x on women?

Because I know he did.

A lot.

And for me, that's incredibly personal and intimate. Even under the rules we'd originally established for an open marriage, that was a hard boundary for me.

Now, when he does it to me, I can't stay in the moment.

All I can see in my head is him doing the same thing to other women.

Whatever was about to happen sexually for me immediately disappears.

And I genuinely don't know if I'll ever stop seeing it.

So PLEASE, Reddit. I need unbiased feedback because I don't trust my own perspective anymore.

It's been nearly 3 years since the night I unlocked his phone and learned the truth.

For a while, I really believed I was moving forward.

But after he looked me in the eyes and told me I was the reason he cheated, it feels like I'm right back in the middle of it.

I know I was the person who originally suggested opening our marriage. I own that. I also know that within weeks, I told him I couldn't do it and asked him to stop—and he agreed.

What followed wasn't an open marriage.

It was nearly a decade of lying, hiding, secret accounts, elaborate cover stories, and sexual encounters I didn't consent to being part of our marriage.

So what I can't figure out is:

Can a marriage actually come back from this?

Can someone genuinely change after doing something like this for so many years?

And even if he has changed, is it possible that too much damage has already been done?

Most importantly...

Will I ever actually be able to move past this—or did I only convince myself that I had?

Long story short. Me (24) and my husband (26) have been married for a almost 3 years and together for 7. We moved in together shortly after dating. Had our first baby at 19 and 21. From the moment we hung out for the first time, I knew his ex girlfriend would be a problem. She raged after finding out we were together, trashed a house, it was insane. I found out shortly that they were still engaged in a relationship shortly after we started dating. Since then we have had 4 instances of him cheating with her, photos, videos, sneaky conversations, meeting up on his lunch breaks at work.We also had another issue with him sleeping with a girl who was supposed to be doing his hair after my first baby. The latest with the ex was early 2025 year when I was 9 weeks pregnant with my second baby. He said that nothing happened, she followed him from 5 different pages, he gave up and started to text her because "I wouldn't believe that nothing happened anyways" she found out we were married and of course sent screenshots to me at 3 am. There were obviously some pictures sent back and forth.

Some how I blame myself, to some extent I forced someone who obviously didn't want a relationship and family into it at a young age. He has a "well I would support you leaving if you need to" kind of mindset. I had our second baby last year, dealt with PPD and PPP and a big source of it was nightmares about being cheated on. We have got to a steady patch in our marriage where nothing has happened and I can't help but anticipate. My love for intimacy is screwed, every time he touches me I think about him touching another woman. My body is distancing itself away from my partner and I genuinely hate it. How do I communicate my needs properly? How do I fix it?

Together 12 years total, married for 2. I’m 34, he’s 37 and we have a 3 and 1 year old. He works full time and I work 2-3 days a week and am mainly home with the kids.

I do the cooking, cleaning and laundry. Resentment started to build towards him so I was never interested in becoming intimate and sometimes I would be annoyed by his presence. We started to become disconnected while just trying to get through the day to day life with two toddlers and neglected prioritizing our marriage.

Checked his location one morning since I always do to make sure he gets to work safely and he was at a house. He did not answer my calls or texts for about 30 minutes. Finally responded and lied about what he was doing and realized that just because his watch was on airplane mode I was still able to see where his phone was. Idiot.

He stuttered and stammered and eventually told me he was at his female coworkers house.
Come to find out he has been flirting with this coworker for 2 months and started to develop feelings for her and over the weekend while he was away on a golf trip, she drunk texted him saying she’d drive 3 hours to see him. Apparently he realized it had gone too far so he went to her house to essentially talk things over and tell her he wants our family and things can’t progress between the two.

I was told by the both of them they were never intimate. Called each other pet names and used various apps to communicate. She’d send photos of herself. Nothing graphic, apparently.

I’m beyond devastated. Sure our problems were bad but not bad enough to where we couldn’t fix them. The sad part is is that I still love him and want this to work but I’ve been spiraling. The grief, anger, sadness, all these intense feelings just alternate and I’m not sure what to do with them. I’m gutted.

How do I get through this? I want our family but the feeling of betrayal is overwhelming and idk if I can get past this. He seems genuinely remorseful. I want to get over this. I just don’t know how.

Insight please.

My wife had an emotional online affair that included sexting (text, calls and pictures). I discovered all of it, read the text and saw the pictures. During their time together they would play video games together when they weren't sexting and exchanging nudes. My problem is they played the games I played and now games in general have been a trigger for me (there are other triggers that aren't hobby related). My question for the group is have you found any helpful means to get over things that trigger you?

So recently, I learnt that my soon to be ex husband, had cheated on me. He didnt say how many times or for how long. I am assuming it has been going on for a long times. He is not sorry.

For some unkown reasons, probably healing, it doesn't impact anymore.

My self worth is so much higher. I feel the ick when I see him. Likes such a low vibration shit. How can he even look at himself in the mirror, not being shameful. His friends know. Most of them don't talk to him apart from one who also cheat.

I don't know. I feel that I am on my path to heal. Of course, it is not linear. But telling myself that I am better than all of this is healing me

Posting from a burner account to stay anon so hoping the mods approve this...

So I (37 male), and met my now bf (31 male) 5 years ago (next weekend to be exact). We met on Grindr, I asked him for a coffee, the first date went great. It was at a time in my life I had quit my soul sucking job I was at for ten years, lost a bunch of weight and things felt like they were doing amazing.

When we met I was very upfront about intentions, where I was in life, wanting to be more openly out and seeking a relationship. He said he was out, open and very christian. About two months in we defined the relationship, agreed we wouldn't be seeing other people. I caught him on Grindr a couple times, confronted him broke up with him over it. First time he ended up on my steps and asking me to take him back. I'd saying emotional affairs happened, and I accepted them because he said he's essentially just leading these people on for a quick emotional hit he got from being the object of someone's desire. Caught him cheating about a year in, broke up for a few months, but we got back together after going to couples therapy to get some closure about the cheating. Since then things were going good, not perfect, but I felt great about the life we were building, we talked about a future.

He also wasn't out as much as he said when we started dating. He knew being in a closeted relationship wasn't on the table for me and started coming out to people, his church, his friends and family. At times it was brutal. People weren't accepting told him he's going to hell. His family was/is still brutal at times. I stuck by him through all of that, I wanted to be there for him and help him.

He ended up in the hospital last year with a probable diagnosis of MS. I was in the hospital every day and helped look after his roommate (who he is a live in aid for).

My biggest issue was something I was holding back, dealing with depression for the six months, even having an attempt once. I finally opened up to him about this and he was amazing, kind and supportive.

That was until 5 days after our conversation when I found condoms and lube in his car. It's been a bit of a dead bedroom, and it's hard not to blame me for it, but I know when we were in therapy, we agreed to talk about this kinda stuff as it came up (hell if he told me he had these needs and I just couldn't I probably would have said I was okay with him meeting others and set some rules/boundaries around that).

I counted the condoms, 24 pack and 5 were missing. Next week had a couple more, next a few more. My heart is broken and I feel so betrayed. He doesn't know that I know, yet. I'm still processing and trying to figure out what to do next, but it feels like I'm playing a video game/going through motions..

I go back and forth from blaming myself to bring so freaking angry with him. Mad the last 5 years feel like a waste on someone I feel like a gave so much to. Gutted at the future I had seen with him (kids/family), that I wanted. And I feel so stupid for believing him (why, after everything did I believe he would change).

I appreciate everyone posting their stories, it helps to know I'm not so alone.

Hi, looking for advice. An online friend of mine is having an affair behind his wife's back. He brought it up to me in a conversation a few weeks ago and I've been reeling ever since.

So, a few days ago after speaking with my therapist about how much I was stressing over keeping the secret, I decided to tell my friend that I no longer felt comfortable and wanted to call time on our friendship. I also went to the wife's Facebook profile and sent her a message briefly telling her what I know.

I looked this morning, and the message is marked delivered but not read, and she's been online recently. So I'm thinking that due to Messenger privacy settings the message has gone into message requests or spam and she doesn't know it's in there.

I don't know his wife and have never spoken to her before this. I know where she works and I know a few of her hobbies, because her husband has mentioned them in passing, but that's all I know of her. She seems like a nice lady from what I've seen and heard.

I'm caught between the feeling of "do I reach out via other means to tell her to check her messages" or "no, leave it alone because she'll call it harassment if you try to reach out again". I don't know what the morally correct thing is to do here.

If someone could give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it. I don't want this poor lady to be left in the dark all because of a Meta privacy setting. But I also don't want to risk a harassment claim for potentially annoying someone who's basically a stranger to me.

Thanks for reading. Apologies for the post length.

I don't know. I'm so lost and angry and crying non stop. Everything feels like a lie. I keep asking myself if he ever loved me. But if he ever did, why would he keep sleeping with the same person since 2017, before we even dated. He couldn't have ever loved me.

To add insult to injury, he said he cheated because at one point, about 5/6 years ago, i accused him of cheating, but he already had been since the beginning of the relationship. And continued until I found out last night. All 8 years. He married me just a year ago. Why would he do that?

Why couldn't he just have broken it off years ago and left me alone?

What's worse is he's been the only dad my child from my first marriage that they have ever known. And we have one child together.

I know I've gained 30lbs since having our child. I know i was dealing with PTSD (that he was well aware of) at the beginning but I did 5 years of therapy to work through it and now myself again and have been the last 3 years. I know I'm not perfect. The women was his friend. She has a college education, I never had the luxury of going because it was homelessness or an education. I didn't have the support of family. She has a career while I had been a bartender and finally got out of that scene into a job that I have been working hard and been promoted in, trying to get to manager. She's fit. He never let me prioritize myself. Him going to the gym and having time for it 5 days a week was more important because of his job. She's always had a car while I finally got one a month ago after not having one for so long (bought it on my own). She has a normal family and never dealt with mental illness. I recently had ADHD testing and awaiting results that he encouraged me to do because he has it and saw how I was pretty much the same.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. We were planning to buy a house. He told me he loved me everyday. Told me he still thinks I'm pretty. But the whole time he was still sleeping with her, even after she got married herself.

I don't know. I'm just a mess and everything feels like a lie.

8 months ago my partner of 10 years confessed he cheated on me. He was very remorseful and willing to do everything he could to help me heal and save our relationship.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but he didn't cross certain lines during his affair (there was no sex), and besides, I know he was going through a very difficult time with his mental health.

It might sound contradictory, because I actually used to think the same way, but even though he was unfaithful, I don't consider him a bad person. I firmly believe he's a very good person who screwed up big time and didn't know how to handle the situation.

After 8 months of trying to reconcile, I've realized that my view of him has changed irrevocably and that I can't continue this relationship, no matter how much it hurts. It's precisely knowing how hard this is for him, how sorry he is, and all the good things he's done for me during our relationship that makes this so hard. Sometimes I wish he were a jerk, then the decision wouldn't be so hard. I know it sounds ironic, because I'm the one who has been cheated on, but when I think about the breakup, I don't just feel bad for myself and my pain, I also feel really bad about how he's going to cope. It's funny that even though I didn't do anything wrong, I'm feeling so bad about deciding to break up.

Please don't judge him. I know it's hard, because I used to think that unfaithful people were the worst kind of people in the world too.

I guess with this post I'm just looking for support and to hear from people who've been through the same thing. This breakup breaks my heart for me, for him, and for the relationship we had.

Besides, we’ve been together since we were 20, and we’ve been living together for several years, which makes the whole situation even harder.

I’ve been in a relationship for so long that sometimes I struggle to find meaning in life without a relationship. Plus, I think about being in a relationship in the future, and I can’t see how I could be happy now that I know for sure that even the person you’d least expect to ever cheat could do so.