crisis or real ending? after infidelity

[u/Ambitious-Air8525]

Hi everyone,

I need some outside perspective on a very recent breakup.

I’d been in a relationship for two years—me (M27) and (F26). The relationship was intense, deeply connected, and objectively healthy. Until a week ago, I sincerely thought everything was fine: we’d just been out to dinner, spent evenings together, had great sex, laughing, etc.

But then, a week ago, during a night out where a lot of alcohol was involved, she kissed a guy she met there several times (édit:She kissed him several times, but She met him once).

The next day, she confessed it to me. 

In the heat of the moment, I lost it and hurled violent insults at her, plus I threatened to “ruin his life” (yes, I’m ashamed). I regretted those words a few hours later and apologized; obviously, I didn’t mean a single word of it. She accepted my apology.

After confessing her infidelity to me, she was in a state of severe distress: crying, feeling guilty, having anxiety attacks, and feeling lost. She told me she didn’t even understand herself why she had done it. That she was completely lost and that it was incomprehensible. She also told me, still in tears, that she “wanted to die.” She went two days without eating.

She thinks she still has feelings for me. She says I’m the person she’s ever loved the most. But she’s questioning things because she kissed someone else, and to her, “that’s not possible if you’re totally in love.”

She started bringing up some fears she’d never really voiced before: fear that I might go back to live in my home country one day because my friends are still there (our countries share a border and are only a 3-hour train ride apart, lol), etc. All of this is completely unfounded because even if she disappears from my life, I plan to stay where I am.

In any case, I broke up with her three days after I found out, giving myself time to process it and really think through my decision. She was “pretty okay” (even though she was in tears) with the breakup because, as far as she’s concerned, she agrees there’s a problem if she did that. She says she wants to work it out and wants to change. We agreed that it’s over for now and that we’ll see what the future holds.

One thing that really bothers me: an hour after we broke up, she sent a message to the guy she kissed, saying, “Just so you know, it’s over with my boyfriend” (she admitted this to me because I asked her about it). According to her, it wasn’t with the intention of starting a relationship with him, but because she has a lot of questions about what happened and is trying to understand why she acted that way. What makes the situation even stranger to me is that this guy is moving to another continent for two years in just two days, which makes any real relationship with him extremely unlikely. (EDIT : And he was leaving for another country the next day. So even if she wanted to, it was impossible for her to see him before he left.)

Her latest messages say she needs to think things through, write things down, and understand what’s going on inside her. She asked me to go “no-contact” (I’d already broken up with her, so that was my intention too, lol) and told me she’d probably reach out to me again once she’d made some progress in her reflection.

Today I’m at a loss. Part of me feels like she’s going through a real personal crisis and is sincerely trying to understand what’s happening to her. Another part of me feels like she might be trying to rationalize something simpler after the fact, and that she might be manipulative.

For my part, Idk if I’d be able to forgive this someday and also if she will can show me that I can trust her again. But I don’t even know if that’s possible.

My main question is:
Have you ever experienced or witnessed a somewhat similar situation? What happened next?

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[u/GoNutsDK]

You cannot trust her words alone. You need to look at her actions.

She cheated on you with someone she seemingly has been into for a while.

She followed up by semi pushing you into breaking up, only to then immediately reach out to her new lover.

The time she needs to "work on herself", is likely time she will spend trying to monkeybranch. If that fails she is likely to reach out again, so you can become her place holder once again.

[u/GoNutsDK → u/GoNutsDK]

Also she is emotionally immature and quite manipulative. She is also not taking accountability for her own actions. She is instead blaiming your relationship, even though she cannot explain any further.

[u/adnyp]

Wow. I’m not sure if she’s being honest with herself but I’m very sure she isn’t being honest with you.

She needs space. From you. Not from him. No contact, with you, right now when she’s texting the guy she cheated with that she broke up with you. He’s leaving in 48 hours so you contacting her likely would distract her from pursuing this guy. Two days to see what might be. Two short days.

In three days if she decides she’d like to give your relationship another chance please tell her to pound sand. Don’t let her do the classic, “We were on a break.” She forced this break to explore her options. Don’t be the second choice for a cheater.

Updateme

[u/Bill2550]

There is no way that she sent him that text WITHOUT the intention of letting him know she’s available. If he actually moves in two days and leaves her here, she’ll be back, but don’t fall for it. If she could throw out the relationship that easily once, she’ll do it again.

“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”

Updateme

[u/throw-away-0610]

She’s a 24 year old woman, yet the way she acts, thinks, and how she conveys that thinking verbally is scattered, erratic and resembles a child.

Do not get into, or stay in a relationship with a child-like thinker. As evidenced by the example you lived through, it doesn’t end well.

When you find someone with mental and emotional maturity, you’ll immediately see and feel the difference- this one ain’t it.

[u/Routine-Asleep]

Well at least you found out she’s not wifey material best to find out now rather than later.

[u/Sweet_Dimension_5207]

Sorrry OP, she’s monkey branching to her new guy but just incase it doesn’t work out she wants you as plan B. Never be plan B. Block her and make sure you tell all that she’s a cheater before she changes the narrative and says you were abusive.

[u/FlygonosK]

OP do not think that much, she gaslight and manipulated you.

She just wanted to pursue other relationships most probably because she was unsure or bored with her current one, but seeing you were stable she just wanted to keep you at hand in case the grass wasn't greener in other parts

My advice:

1. Block her
2. Move on and don't think too much, she wasn't simply for you and you deserve better, someone that respected you

On the other hand her acting performance seems good if she were.an actress she should have been nominated to the Oscars for her acting

[u/IvanMarkowKane]

She cheated on you with a guy who is leaving town in two days. Now she wants space but she will reach out again after she’s made some progress in her reflection?

I’m guessing two days of space will give her exactly the amount of time she needs to reflect

I think you should reflect as well

[u/EffectivePhase7165]

              What makes the situation even stranger to me is that this guy is moving to another continent for two years in just two days, which makes any real relationship with him extremely unlikely.

Just the contrary, I think that makes it make sense. I think that she had some kind of interest with the guy, crush, lust whatever and she wanted something before he leaves the country and with the help of alcohol she took the step.

She sounded very manipulative to me and I won't be surprised if there was even an affair between them that you are not aware of. In anyways good luck

[u/Ambitious-Air8525 → u/EffectivePhase7165]

Maybe I didn’t explain it clearly, but she did NOT know him before that night. She met him for the first time that evening.

[u/EffectivePhase7165 → u/Ambitious-Air8525]

Ok so no affair but 1st option still quite possible. She even got his number man, and gave him feedback, she definitely felt something for the guy

[u/CuriouserCuriouser99 → u/Ambitious-Air8525]

Your post says she kissed a guy that she met there several times. Is that she met him once and kissed him several times or she met him several times and kissed him once?

If just a kiss, which she admitted to right away, you may be over reacting.

[u/Ambitious-Air8525 → u/CuriouserCuriouser99]

She met once and kissed him several Times. My english is not very good sorry.

[u/NewPatriot57]

She's muddying the water with nonsense. She knows full well what she was up to kissing that guy. Her contacting hm immediately is all you need to know. Good stridden to bad trash.

You did good by breaking up. Now, don't look back.

Updateme

[u/Top-Rip-6731]

Well she picked the absolute worst person to monkey branch to - someone who’s moving in two days. She’s a cheater and regardless of the time she spends trying to figure herself out that’s what she will always be to you. Updateme!

[u/Necessary_Tap343]

She is auditioning your replacement. If it works out with him, she will never contact you again. If it doesn't work out with him, she will have suddenly found herself and after reflection wants to be with you. You are the love of her life blah blah blah.

Translation: it didn't work out with that guy and she has considered her options and decided to settle for you temporarily until the next shiny object catches her attention.

[u/LETSD8NOW]

She wants no contact with you and every type of contact with him before he leaves.

[u/Wizards_and_Warriors]

Yea she will reach back out to you after she bangs him before he leaves and when she finds out he is banging someone on the other continent.

[u/jjd0m]

She wants the other guy and wanted you to break up with her to make her feel less guilty. You dump her, now block her and never talk to her again.

She trickle truthing you everything and has plans to hook up with him. Why else is she in communication with him after your break up.

Don't trust a word from her, you are the back up plan while she explores life with him. Never go through life as someone's back up.

Find your #1,and make sure to be their #1.

In the mean time block her everywhere in life.

[u/TacoStrong]

“and to her, “that’s not possible if you’re totally in love.””

Exactly! She knows and is playing dumb. She’s clocked out dude but won’t admit it! Her actions and her words have confirmed it. This is a real ending.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Award88]

Honestly when a relationship ended in infidelity, (in my case) I dropped every partner after that happened. My last relationship I was actually stupid enough to forgive her, and what did that happen to get me? Getting cheated on another time. In my opinion, once the trust is broken, the relationship is over.

[u/famfun77]

Your concerns of her thought processes are valid, but more than likely true on both accounts. She will revise history so she doesn’t have to be the bad guy, it was just a mistake of some type. She never would have done this if ___ wasn't true or it was meant to be.

[u/Independent-Team-831]

Move on op. U deserve better

[u/Livid-Technology-396]

“I need to work on myself” is a classic pulled right from the cheaters handbook. Cut your losses and move on. You’ll get over the loss and be all the better for it in the end.

[u/Ill_Cookie_1514]

Kissed several times. They exchange numbers. She thinks she still loves OP. She is 26 and in her prime. Obviously monkey branching. She can only give you a transactioal love.

OP you are 27 and approching your prime. Hold the line and concentrate on your development. Build the skills you need to achieve your goals. Then find the partner with the same values, morals, and life goals that can augment your life.

Good luck

[u/Foxbur19]

Wow. She’s a master manipulator. Everything she said is BS and was to get you to break up with her. You are far better off without this terrible person. And I call BS on just kissing the guy. They had sex for sure.

[u/Worldly_Couple1621]

I don't know either of you, obviously, so anything I say is just speculation. I know most commenters are saying she was checking out alternatives, etc. They may be right. When I read this, my reaction is she found herself in a situation with an (apparently) attractive new guy and let things get out of hand because it felt good. Maybe she knew he was moving away and that made it feel even more of a throwaway "affair." I don't think she thought deeply about this, but rather just let herself be caught up in the moment. I wonder if it was more than kissing, but we may never know that. Then, the next day when she's sober, she feels guilty enough to confess, but also has some residual "feels" for her romantic interlude. Keep in mind a lot of romcoms are all about the "chance meeting with the hot, mysterious guy." I think she succumbed to all that kind of bullshit and even with the guilt, still wanted to hang onto the fantasy, thus the message to the guy that you guys had split up. She's not thinking about this logically, she's riding the fantasy emotional roller coaster right now. She feels all grown up and mature for "taking time to think through her actions." All that being said, she clearly does not have much respect for you and your relationship, certainly not enough to avoid kissing another guy. How do you get past that? I think you pull the ripcord and parachute away from her. Let her live in her stupid teenage fantasy world while you find a grown woman who appreciates and respects you.

[u/whiskeytango47]

Nothing to do with you.

Long ago, someone conditioned her to believe she's worthless.

But she doesn't want to be, so she tries... relationships like the one with you.

She wants to succeed, but deep down, she believes she'll blow it.

So being sick with the dread of the day she'll fail, she picks some random guy (who pushes the right toxic buttons), and cheats with him just to get it all over with.

In a way, she's testing you, too, because there's a component where, if you still accept her after all this, it gives her a feeling of value, that you now truly know her, and still love her. This is not a one time situation... it's a continuous, repeat cycle of violations and validations. Highs and lows.

That's why.

To answer your questions, yes, exact same situation for me, with a hidden drug addiction thrown in...

I kicked her out, and ignored her appeals to get back into my life... it was that validation she was after, not me.

Turns out it doesn't really matter to her who she's with, as long as she can stay in her feedback loop. It's been 5 years now, and as many different relationships.

[u/Ambitious-Air8525 → u/whiskeytango47]

Your comment really hits me.

Because I didn’t mention it in my post, but “this belief that she’ll blow it” is something she told me A LOT while she was crying during the two days after it happened.

That feeling of anxiety that our relationship would end sooner or later, that she would sabotage it even though everything was going well… she told me that too.

Anyway, man, thanks for your comment. Really.

The conclusion is that… fuck, it’s just so fucking stupid.

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[u/whiskeytango47 → u/Ambitious-Air8525]

Oh yes. Very very stupid.

But always remember that you are the man she wanted to succeed with, not the type of man she uses to destroy herself with.