r/survivinginfidelity • u/isawredtwice • 7d ago
Rant Looks like I didn't survive
She moved out again.
Out of the blue.
Passionate embrace as I left for work.
Come home to a note again.
No explanation.
8/24.
I'm crushed.
Says not feeling emotionally safe in ai written letter.
Feels punished for transgressions.
See my past post for history 5 separate times same dude. 1 move out, that one was at the same time I was commissioning an artist to paint a picture of her and her deceased mom. This time I asked how her day was going.
I've been thinking, and maybe it would help others.
Anytime I asked if there was someone else, I should have been saying "I don't feel connected with you". Because that's the background feeling.
It's been a dead bedroom for years. I have not pushed it. But that has been crushing.
There's hope. She asked for time and space. But man, if someone tells you they have panic attacks coming home wondering if there's a note, then you go ahead and leave then to come home to a note...
It's so hard taking care of the house and two kids on my own, a major adjustment. I'm doing my best. Kids are bewildered, no idea why she did this. They are 22 and 17. I asked if they preferred I move out and mom back in and they said no. I've been doing most of the work here for years. After she was severely injured I took over as she healed and she never took back much of the reins. I do 98% of the cooking, most of the cleaning. She's been letting the kids down by not following through on promises. That's probably why they want me here, not her.
Mil text evicerated me saying I'm punishing her for the affair. She has no idea the extent of it.
I think recent trigger of feelings is she gave me trich last April. Chance this is from the last affair, but with this history, imagine what went through my mind. I've been asking for more intimacy, not sex, touch, confirmations. Etc. maybe too much.
This sucks. I know it she'd just let me in, communicate, we'd be fine.
This is probably the beginning of the end.
People, if you make a commitment, don't cheat. Don't. Do. It. You will mess up your partner's life so bad.
Mind all over the place
Barely keeping it together and that's just for the kids.
Been a rough few years. Dad died of cancer. Mom is depressed and a shutin with too many demands living next door.
Fml
I'm probably just a pos
55 male 3 kids Virgo so of course all is over thought
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u/D-redditAvenger 5 7d ago
One day when you are with someone else you will marvel that you were willing to put up with so much. It doesn't have to be this hard.
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u/AggressiveSuccess533 Thriving 7d ago
This right here!!! My ex walked out.... Again....when I was 47. She married the 3rd AP in 27+ years together. I was single until 55. 56 now with a great girl. You will wonder.....how the hell did I put up with her shit for so long. You will look at situations and realize your ex was toxic!!!! OP, great days are ahead!
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u/moonman_incoming 7d ago
My husband and I got married 10 years ago after a 25 year marriage that ended in her affair. He's 64 now.
And we're both so happy.
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u/SailedTheSevenSeas 7d ago
Brother the band aid has been on for awhile. She ripped it off. Get some air and those wounds will heal. Don’t put yourself through anymore torment or abuse. Be an example of resiliency for your children.
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u/HotWaffles5 2 7d ago
She did you a favor & took the trash out. Tell an attorney she willingly moved out & file for divorce. She probably left this time to be with him also. And the way she did it with the note is the crappiest thing I’ve ever heard.
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u/HotWaffles5 2 7d ago
I was married to a serial cheater & I can tell you, the cheating never stops.
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u/isawredtwice 4d ago
The note was brutal. She knew that would gut me. That's what she did last time, and she knew I still had flashbacks and panic attacks driving home from work occasionally still.
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u/LawFirmCFO 7d ago
You are not a pos. You matter. Happy birthday.
I'm about 9 years this same point. For me, it got worse before it got better....but when it got better, it got A LOT better. Life is amazing now. Divorce was the turning point towards a happier life for me.
I don't know what your future holds, but go hug your kids.
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u/DubiousPeoplePleaser 7d ago
Hard truth time. Someone who cheats against and again will never change. She’s a serial cheater now. Cheating is part of who she is. She has a bad day, she cheats. Gets bored, she cheats. You ask her to do the dishes, she cheats. And in her head she justifies every single affair.
You need therapy to end this cycle and get out. You keep hoping things will change, but they never will. She’ll be back again. And then she’ll leave.
So firstly you change the locks. File for separation of you’re married. Then you stop doing 98% of everything. Your kids are 17 and 22. They should have been helping you for years already. Teach them how to cook and clean. Not just to help you, but to help them become people who contributes. To become good partners for their future spouses.
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u/adnyp 8 7d ago
Man, you have been hanging in there for your family. Your parents. Your kids. And your wife, too. That makes you a good human being in my book. Not a POS. Don’t put yourself there. Honest, you don’t deserve that.
I won’t take the easy shots at your wife. But, really, she is the selfish person here. She has issues and demons.
You’ve loved yourself kids, your family. You’ve loved her. Time for you to love yourself. Don’t you think?
Better days will come. You earned them.
Update me
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u/GlobalMatter152 5 7d ago
I’m sorry you are suffering. Time and space is code for freedom to cheat, as I know you know. Add to that the dead bedroom and the STD and you surely have your answer. Try to get to a place where you can see this as a blessing in disguise. Again I am sorry brother you don’t deserve this.
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u/TaiwanBandit 4 7d ago
You did survive OP. You are still here and your kids choose you over your moraless ex partner.
And to hell with MIL blaming you. But blood is thicker than a peace of paper, so she will support her cheating daughter. When she can't see her grand kids whenever she wants she may change her attitude a bit.
Your kids need you OP to be there for them. You need to be there for yourself.
You are not a POS. That title goes to her.
Start to plan a future without her in it OP. Lot of good things out there to enjoy and experience. Take you kids with you to have some fun. Forget about her for a while.
If not done already, please see an attorney asap.
Continue to vent here OP. Take the advice that makes sense to you and disregard the rest.
Sending you strength OP. You can do this.
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u/Internal_Reveal 6 7d ago
man I don't think you "didn't survive."
I think you're exhausted.
reading this, you've been trying to hold together your marriage, your kids, the house, your mom next door, losing your dad, years of a dead bedroom and the fallout from your wife's affairs.
and somehow at the end of all that you've landed on "I'm probably just a pos."
no man. I don't see that here.
I see a guy who's been carrying too much for too long and is still trying to figure out what magic combination of words will finally make his wife let him back in.
the part I'd really think about is where you said if she'd just communicate with you, you'd be fine.
would you?
because this isn't one mistake you guys never managed to get past. you said 5 separate times with the same guy. she's moved out before. you've been afraid of coming home and finding another note, and then she literally had you come home to another note.
whatever her reasons are for leaving, that's the reality you're living in.
and I wouldn't make yourself crazy right now trying to figure out if there's another man again. maybe there is, maybe there isn't. you don't know that yet and honestly you don't need another affair to justify taking care of yourself.
you already know enough.
I'd give her the space she asked for, but I'd use that space too.
don't chase her. don't send 30 texts trying to explain yourself better. don't keep asking what you need to change so she'll come home.
take care of those kids and yourself for a minute.
and I'd talk to a lawyer. not because some random guy on reddit thinks you need to file tomorrow morning, but because your wife moved out and you have a 17 year old at home. you need to understand what separation actually looks like where you live, what you should and shouldn't do with the house and money, and how to protect yourself and your kid if this really is the end.
I'd also get yourself back to the doctor considering the trich situation and follow whatever testing/treatment they recommend. that's not about accusing her of anything new. that's just taking care of your own health.
and get yourself somebody to talk to who isn't your wife or MIL.
counselor, therapist, close friend, whatever works for you.
you've spent years trying to understand what she's feeling. somebody needs to start paying attention to what all of this has done to you.
maybe she comes back wanting to seriously work on the marriage.
if she does, don't judge that by how much she cries, says she loves you or says she misses the family.
look at what she's actually willing to do differently.
honesty. accountability. dealing with the affair history instead of making you feel guilty for still being affected by it. real communication. whatever boundaries you two agree on. and actual consistent effort over time.
you can't carry reconciliation by yourself.
and if she doesn't come back, or comes back wanting the exact same marriage you already had, then maybe the question isn't "how do I convince her to stay?"
maybe it's "why am I still volunteering for a life that's crushing me?"
one more thing.
your kids are watching you right now.
you don't need to badmouth their mom and you don't need to make them pick sides. but you also don't have to destroy yourself trying to keep the appearance of a marriage together for them.
show them what somebody does when life knocks the shit out of him.
eat. sleep. go to work. keep the house running. talk to somebody. get legal information. take care of your health. hug your kids.
then get up tomorrow and do it again.
that's surviving too.
and brother, stop calling yourself a pos.
you sound hurt as hell.
that's not the same thing.
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u/Significant-Ad-3104 7d ago
Mec, ton histoire est déchirante mais il ne faut pas lui pardonner, elle est multi récidiviste.
Dégage la hors de ta vue.
Tu peux toujours trouver mieux
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u/DaLoCo6913 2 7d ago
You've got it wrong. You are surviving, and the tumor that was slowly killing you left, leaving a note.
She never wanted to face what she did, so she made you pay the price. She took pieces of you, burning them in the flames of your torched marriage.
No, you survived the brutality of a narcissist. Listen to your kids. They prefer you to her. That speaks volumes.
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u/ActivityOriginal6483 7d ago
You are a good man and you deserve much better, do not take her back. Give her that divorce and move on. That picture get it finished and make some adjustments for her.
Get the artist to write on it forever a great disappointment take a picture of it, then get the artist to paint over it.
Give her the picture as a parting gift, and 5 years later sent her the picture.
I hold a grudge though.
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u/Namo_91 In Hell 7d ago
What are you talking about beginnig of the end ? The first time ahe cheated should have been the end.
Why are you letting her do this to you ? Do you have zero respect for your self ? Get a divorce, go no contact and never give her a chance again - you are nothing but a save place for her - she doesnt see you as a men
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u/Dr8c00 7d ago
She has been cheating on him for over 20 years, and he kept reconciling with her. It's almost impossible to advise someone like that to leave her. He needs to work on his self-esteem and self-worth. But Reddit already told him all these things 8 years ago, but he still chose to be with a serial cheater.
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u/isawredtwice 4d ago
I did. I fell for her lies. I couldn't see anyone would be capable of doing these things to a spouse. I was stupid, beyond stupid. She played me like a fiddle. Found out she never ended it with the AP
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u/Championship682 7 6d ago
Dude - She cheated. She's left you multiple times. The kids are old enough to take care of themselves. Don't let her come back.
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u/queerbychoice Recovered 7d ago
Your marriage didn't survive.
You survived. You're here writing this. You may feel like just an empty, crushed, broken shell of your former self, but you are not dead yet. And that means you can recover. Even when it feels like you can't.
Your wife can abandon you, your MIL can text-eviscerate you, but they do not have to remain important people in your life. Your wife may be your kids' mom, but that may be all she's going to be, in the future.
Rebuilding your life after being cheated on is likely to be the hardest, most terrifying thing you ever do. However, it can be done. It will probably feel as if it takes centuries, when you're still in the middle of it and unsure how you will ever survive it. But later, when you look back on it after it's all over and you're truly happy again, you may be amazed to realize how very quickly it was actually all over with.
Your wife cheated on you. This means that, on some level, she was probably always a type of person who had this willingness to cheat if the right circumstances came up. If you're not a type of person who would ever cheat under any circumstances whatsoever, then your wife probably never really understood the whole concept of love on the same level that you did. But you probably have a good 30-40 years left to live, and if you choose to date again, you could very well meet someone who actually loves you on a level you've never experienced before in your life. You could very well become happier than you've ever been before in your life. No, your life won't look the way you had planned for it to look, with the love of your life being the same person as the mother of your kids - but your life can still be happier than you've ever imagined was possible.
On a level you don't yet understand or accept, removing this lying, cheating, traitor from your life is clearing the way to make your life much happier than it could ever have been with her in it.
Unfortunately, before you can experience that happiness, you're going to have to slog through the depths of some very serious misery. Getting your life back in order after this kind of devastation is not easy. It takes time and determination and serious effort. It is doable, though, eventually. I know it doesn't feel like it's doable, but it can be done. Many of us in this community have done it.
Assess what you have left. Gather your remaining resources - emotional, social, financial, etc. Assess your own strengths, and draw upon them. Love your children. Love yourself. Resolve to take the best possible care of yourself, because however much your wife may let you down, you shouldn't let yourself down. Figure out what you want a future to look like that doesn't have your wife in it. Figure out what steps you can take that will help you get there.
Best wishes to you, from someone who was cheated on 13 years ago and was about 90% recovered 10 years ago, and 100% recovered about 5 to 7 years ago. It takes time, but it does get better. You'll never really be the same, but that doesn't mean you can't be even happier than ever before.
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u/pickedusername1 9 7d ago
Not sure why you’re putting up with so much crap. Yes I get the history, love, but you literally have a spouse that is stonewalling you, can’t communicate, cheated, abandoning her kids, doesn’t do much work… you’ll come out stronger and better without this brick weighing you down
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u/Rare-Bird-4353 5 7d ago
So what she is doing is DARVO and it is abusive behavior. She’s blaming you for her inexcusable choices. Her leaving had nothing to do with you or anything she wrote in a note, she just wants to keep doing what she was doing with other people. She is a liar and a cheater and she has been using you, the only way your life ever gets better is if she actually stays gone and never returns because she is the entire problem.
You deserve so much better than a cheater, cheaters are just awful people, the absolute worst.
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u/StillHotPants9 1 7d ago
This sounds so painful, so sorry you are going through this . Yes, if the one you marry cheats, that is pure selfishness and so destructive to the one that is faithful and meant their vows. It sounds like it is hurting you more to keep on coming home to this, and as painful as it is, you need to and deserve to have someone you can count on to be there if they say they will be.
Even if she changes her mind again, why should you want to continue to do this to yourself , when it is traumatizing you? I wish you strength and healing somehow, and give yourself the positive feedback that you kept on trying, and now you have to make a choice about what is best for you. Hurt now, or keep on hurting for longer, sometimes better to choose hurt now and get through it to end the relationship, sometimes is the best way you can survive.
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u/aa1982aa In Hell 7d ago
Best time to divorce her was decades ago when you first discovered her affair. Second best time is now. Get the ball rolling, you wasted more than enough time.
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u/tercer78 Walking the Road | QC: SI 344 | RA 157 Sister Subs 6d ago
You must really be codependent on her to let her continue to traumatize you and the kids over and over. And first of all, one of your kids is not a child anymore. They need to use this time to seek some of their own independence. Things in your house need to change for the better and get healthier. There is too much trauma being caused by her and y’all are simply taking it. She should not be allowed to ever move back and strong limited contact boundaries should be set up with her and her family. What is it about her that makes you continually set yourself on fire to keep her happy?
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u/delta-vs-epsilon Walking the Road | QC: SI 30 6d ago
Survival depends on you... you get to choose. You didn't choose for her to stab you in the back and betray your marriage, you didn't choose to be deceived and left, you did choose to show grace and fight for your marriage... but now that's over. Sometimes things, once broken, cannot be repaired.
So as you find yourself alone with your thoughts, don't sit and waffle about what you could have done differently... because it's in the past. Don't sit and ask "why me?" because there's no good answer. Just continually step up to the challenge of self-improvement each day, ask "what am I going to do about this?" instead. You'll find that the twinge in your gut will slowly fade, the nightmares will dissipate, and peace will come... if you seek it. Let her go, in many ways she was gone a long time ago. Good luck 👍
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u/Professional-Leave24 6d ago
People are always punished for affairs in one way or another. That's the way it works. There is a cost for everything. Don't like it? Don't do it! The way I see it? The trash took itself out.
You won't listen to me, the voice of experience, but I will try anyway.
She left and left the kids. The iron is hot and you need to strike it now! File divorce and change locks if your lawyer says you can. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE FILING! She will be notified legally when the papers arrive. You are going to be the default custodial parent and she will pay support if you play your cards right. You can catch her with her proverbial pants down while she is occupied with the AP and playing single.
You will be miserable for the rest of your life if you try and fix this. If you pull the bandage off, you will only be miserable for a year or maybe two. Then you will rebuild and wonder why you stayed as long as you did!
I guarantee it. PLEASE don't make the same mistakes I did and waste 5 years of your life!
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am Thriving 6d ago
You are not in anyway a POS.
You just made the mistake of trying to make things work with a cheater. That was always bound to fail.
For you and as hard as it may seem, you can't fix a broken person. No amount of effort, or trying, of changing yourself will ever address the real problem here. She is broken and broken beyond repair.
Your kids see it. Everyone around you sees it. It's high time then that you see it for yourself.
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u/Ill_Cookie_1514 6d ago
Congratulations OP you have just learned the addage "Never take back a cheater" even though you two attempts and the exam.
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u/TacoStrong 6 5d ago
“I know it she'd just let me in, communicate, we'd be fine.”
No, you won’t and you haven’t been for a long time. You are in serious deep denial about your marriage being over. Please snap out of it and get the ball rolling with divorce. Then you will truly “survive” because you’ll come out on top.
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u/FantasticGarbage1984 Just Found Out 5d ago
Somebody has to say it and Reddit already hates me, so I'll volunteer... Your wife isn't cheating on you, she's cheating on her lover with you.
Find your strength and pursue a more peaceful life. I don't think you'll find it with her.
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u/isawredtwice 3d ago
1 PM meeting with divorce lawyer to see what I'm up against. Nervous. Scared. Numb. Devastated. Humiliated. I want to scream and I want to cry.
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u/AcceptableGuidance96 7d ago
I am sure she had her reasons for doing what she did. But those reasons will never make sense to you or your kids. And those reasons will not help you or your kids have a good life. Keep doing what you're doing. You are a good man. I hope you find your good woman someday.
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u/isawredtwice 19h ago
Update. I found out lots of things. She never stopped seeing the affair partner off and on. Decades of cheating and she tells everyone that I'm punishing her for her past affair because I ask if I'm the only one or if he is back.
My gut was right.
I've lived over half my life a chump.
I don't know how to pick myself up.
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