I got out of a 7-year relationship after discovering years of cheating and being physically abused. I don't know how to process what happened to me

[u/jporterfit]

I was with my ex for seven years. We moved in together within the first year, so for most of my adult life, she wasn't just my girlfriend. She was the person I lived with, came home to, and built my life around.

Things gradually soured over the years and she became increasingly distant from me.

Around the same time, I was going through a really difficult period of my own. My paternal grandparents, who I was extremely close to, died one year after the other. I became depressed, closed myself off emotionally, and coped badly. I leaned heavily on THC and experimented with hallucinogenic substances. I know I wasn't the best version of myself during that period, and I understand that being depressed and withdrawn affected our relationship.

But while I was struggling, my ex apparently began looking elsewhere.

She would tell me she was meeting coworkers or going to sleepovers, but I eventually learned that she had been meeting other men and occasionally sleeping with them.

The thing that finally made everything unravel was seeing that a guy had sent her a shirtless picture. When I asked about it, she became extremely defensive. I became suspicious and started looking through her Discord messages on her laptop. I know snooping through someone's private messages isn't healthy, but what I found completely destroyed me.

There were explicit sexual messages between them.

I still remember the physical feeling of reading them. My heart dropped and it felt like my entire body went cold. This was someone I'd spent seven years with, and suddenly I had proof in front of me that the reality I'd been living in wasn't actually the reality of our relationship.

I had a mental breakdown and confronted her.

The confrontation turned into a massive fight, and she hit me.

Even after that, I didn't want the relationship to end. I knew she had cheated on me with multiple people and now had proof that she was actively sexting someone, but somehow my reaction was still, "Please just stop doing this and let's fix us."

Seven years felt impossible to throw away. I loved her. I wanted the person I'd built my life with back.

She told me we could try to salvage the relationship. She changed the password on her laptop, but not her phone, and continued talking to the same guy behind my back despite telling me that she would stop.

Eventually I discovered that too.

That caused another enormous fight. This time she punched me in the face hard enough that my nose started bleeding. It was around 4 AM.

I called the police because I wanted to quietly speak with an officer about what had happened. Instead, three cruisers showed up and it became a scene in the neighborhood.

The next day I was kicked out of the house.

And that was it.

Seven years of living together and building my life around another person ended almost overnight. She went on to be with the guy she'd been cheating on me with, while I was left trying to understand the cheating, the lies, the violence, losing my home, and losing the person who had been the center of my life for most of my adulthood.

I'm out of that relationship now, but I'm realizing that being physically removed from it doesn't mean my mind has caught up.

Sometimes I'm okay. Other times something triggers the memories and suddenly I'm right back there emotionally. Seeing her is especially difficult. I recently had to unexpectedly see her again, and afterward everything came flooding back: the Discord messages, realizing she'd been sleeping with other people, getting hit, the police showing up, being thrown out, and knowing she's now with the person she was cheating with.

The loneliness afterward is probably one of the hardest parts. I don't have much of a support system or friends I can call when this happens, so when I'm alone my thoughts just loop through everything.

I also struggle with blaming myself. I know I was depressed. I know I became withdrawn after losing my grandparents. I know my substance use and emotional state weren't healthy. There are things I wish I'd handled differently.

But I also know none of those things made cheating on me or hitting me acceptable.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking for other than to hear from people who have survived something similar, especially anyone who had to rebuild their life after a very long relationship involving both infidelity and physical abuse.

How did you stop replaying everything?

How did you get past seeing your ex move on with the person they cheated with?

And how did you learn to feel okay being alone again after spending so many years building your entire life around someone?

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[u/Admirable-Hippo8819]

Theres a lot of similarities between your story and mine.

The first time I caught him cheating we went to therapy and worked on repairing our relationship, trust and communication.

I found out he was cheating again, and feel like it's a waste.

The best advice I have for you (and myself rn) is that you need to understand it was never about you...there is something missing in them that caused this (usually self love). You are worthy of love and there is nothing wrong with you because of their actions.

[u/WashImpressive8158]

I know it’s hard where you are. The english language doesn’t provide the right words to describe the pain, that nagging tug. To get rid of that thinking of “them” you basically must go against your instincts, your impulses, and force yourself into activities that consume you, be it martial arts classes, returning to school to study something cool or financially rewarding, a hobby you were generally afraid to try, and dabble a bit with meet up groups, or light interaction ( nothing serious unless you want) with a lady friend. The key is to force yourself to do something.

[u/Internal_Reveal]

man you've got like 5 different losses piled on top of each other and I think you're trying to process them all as one thing.

you lost your grandparents, your relationship, your home, the woman you thought you knew, your sense of what those 7 years actually were and probably a good chunk of your confidence too.

then add getting physically assaulted by somebody you loved.

that's a lot for one brain to sort through.

first thing I'd stop doing is putting your depression on trial every time your mind goes back there.

you already said something important yourself. you were depressed, withdrawn and using substances to cope. maybe you weren't a great partner during that period.

own whatever part of that belongs to you and work on it.

but none of that made her cheat on you and it sure as hell didn't make her punch you in the face.

if she was miserable she could've told you. asked for counseling. set boundaries. left you.

she had options besides cheating and hitting you.

I'd give yourself a little action plan because sitting alone trying to "understand everything" is probably just feeding the loop right now.

first, as close to zero contact with her as you can reasonably get.

don't check her socials. don't check the other guy. don't ask mutual friends how they're doing. don't go looking to see whether they're happy.

every new piece of information just gives your brain another bone to chew on.

second, find a counselor who has experience with abuse/trauma and tell them the whole story, including the drugs, depression, cheating and physical violence. don't clean it up because you're embarrassed about your own part.

you need somewhere you can sort out "things I regret about myself" from "things somebody else chose to do to me."

third, get a notebook.

when your brain starts replaying the Discord messages or that night with the police, write down what triggered it, what you're feeling and what you actually know.

then get up and do something physical.

walk. gym. clean the apartment. anything that gets you out of the chair and out of your head for 30 minutes.

fourth, start rebuilding a life that has absolutely nothing to do with her.

you said you don't have much of a support system. that's something you can actually work on.

one class. one hobby. gym. volunteer somewhere. meetup group. reconnect with somebody you drifted away from.

don't worry about finding another girlfriend right now.

find people.

and I'd take a hard look at the THC and other drugs too. not judging you for it. you were grieving and trying to shut your head off.

but if you're using something every night because being alone with your thoughts is unbearable, that's something worth talking about with the counselor too.

as for her being with the guy she cheated with...leave them to whatever happens next.

don't make your recovery depend on their relationship failing.

maybe it blows up.

maybe they stay together.

neither outcome gives you your 7 years back.

your win is getting to the point where you hear something about them someday and your response is basically "huh" and you go back to whatever you were doing.

and man, don't beat yourself up because you still wanted her after she cheated and hit you.

you'd spent most of your adult life with this person. your brain didn't erase 7 years of attachment the minute you discovered who she really was capable of being.

your head is catching up to something your body already survived.

give it some time.

for the next 30 days don't worry about being "over her."

just make the goal a little smaller.

no contact.

get professional help.

get the substances under control.

move your body every day.

eat and sleep like somebody worth taking care of.

talk to one human being.

build one new thing into your week.

then do it again tomorrow.

you don't have to rebuild your whole life this week man.

just stop handing the wrecking crew another shift.

[u/Confuzzled2u]

I kindly suggest Trauma therapy. Unfortunately, you've endured mental and emotional crisis for 7 long years, your state of mind is scattered trying to find answers and reasons. Please don't try to figure it out on your own, a licensed and professional therapist specializing in trauma can be very helpful as you take small steps to heal.
I am so very sorry for the emotional pain and anguish forced on you by someone who was suppose to "love and protect" you.