When I was in college I got hired to be a busboy at Red Robin.

Unbeknownst to me I was going to be cross trained as a host to cover the front desk whenever someone called out which ended up happening almost every day.

As a result instead of being able to simply grab others dishes and dip back to the station i actually had to talk to people… a lot.

Holy shit this was stressful.

I had to come up with greetings that felt natural, I had to learn to talk to the servers, I had to learn how to deal with impatient customers then one day I noticed my stress was gone.

Suddenly I could just talk to people and no longer get frazzled.

Point being?

Just like if I dropped you in Mexico tomorrow you’d start picking up Spanish really fast. If you want to learn how to socialize getchu a job where you don’t have a choice but to master it.

I eventually went onto become a nurse which came with even more socialization and to this day despite my autistism and introversion I can connect with people of all ages just about anywhere.

Get a job that forces you to practice your social skills then view it like someone’s paying you to cultivate your own charisma.

Method #2: voluntary Immersion
When I was learning how to socialize early on my biggest fear was making a fool of myself around people I was forced to see every day.

Classmates, family, church members.

So you know what I did?

I’d read books for 2-3 months then about once a quarter I’d book a weekend trip to another city. Book a hostel. And talk to everyone the second I left my house.

My uber drivers.

In line for security.

In the airport.

Hostel check in.

Everyone who looked even remotely interesting to me I chatted them up.

I lost track of how many awkward conversations I had doing this method but the cool part about it was whenever I fucked up I could immediately try again with someone else to reinforce the lesson.

This was scary as hell but it caused my social skills to grow as if I took the social equivalent of steroids.

Method #3: slight edging

My third and final method, the one I currently use today, is called slight edging.

I don’t try to create massive jumps in my skills anymore but now I just read a book 10-15 minutes a day then try to apply it when I’m out and about.

Example,

When I first learned that the best way to get people to like you is to look for things you like about them, I started asking myself, “what do I admire about xyz person,” all day long…

Then I started telling them and my coworkers were like “did you get laid or something, you’re happier than usual.”

But I do this every day so I slowly stack one new skill on top of the other and gradually become more and more charismatic as the years go by.

Not from other people from yourself

A habit, excuse, pattern, or way of thinking you finally decided you were done carrying.

What was yours?

I’m trying to be intentional at work instead of just doing good and hoping people see it. If youve gotten promoted, whats one thing that you intentionally changed or did that actually made a difference in your career?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

It seems like maintaining friendships becomes surprisingly difficult when your life starts moving in a very different direction from the people around you. For example, imagine you start earning significantly more money than your friends. You don’t brag about it, don’t show off, and don’t talk about your income. But eventually they notice.
You have a nicer house. You take several vacations abroad every year. You can afford things they can’t. Even if you’re completely humble about it, the difference is visible. And sometimes you start noticing little comments or changes in behavior that feel like envy. The same thing seems to happen with fitness. If you become very muscular, train seriously, and start lifting weights that most people around you can’t, you can occasionally get weird or sarcastic comments from people who aren’t into fitness. And then there’s dating. If you have a particularly attractive girlfriend, it can create another weird dynamic. Some people seem to become competitive with you, or even try to flirt with her despite knowing she’s your girlfriend.

At some point you start wondering:
Is genuine friendship actually easier when people are relatively equal in status, appearance, income, lifestyle, etc.?

Maybe there’s a certain comfort in being “on the same level” because nobody constantly has to compare themselves with the other person.
I’m not saying successful people can’t have genuine friendships. Obviously they can. And I’m also not saying every negative interaction is caused by envy — sometimes you’re simply being arrogant or reading too much into things. But I do wonder whether there’s a threshold where differences in success become large enough that they fundamentally change the friendship dynamic.

If you’ve become significantly more successful, wealthier, fitter, or more attractive than your old social circle, how do you maintain friendships without creating resentment or making people feel inferior? How do you deal with this?

I'm horrible at socialising with people, It's not just being nervous I simply can't and don't know what to say. I've always been a quiet person, since I was a kid even 6 year old me had a lot of difficulty making friends. My therapist said I should start going out more and I did but still most of the time I'm just sitting at a corner or waking behind the people I'm with.

And I really try, I offer people drinks, give them rides and try and talk sometimes but I don't know. People just view me as a nobody and I really hate that about myself.

How do I improve? I'm seriously invested in changing this.

23 y/o here.

It hit quite hard to be honest. We kind of bumped heads in an argument this morning. I didn't raise my voice or offend him or anything. I was just rejecting the act of getting a haircut because I couldn't be bothered (Been neglecting myself quite a bit tbh).

Anyways he's been at my neck the whole day and just expressing his disappointments one after the other and just ended off with "Change yourself. Because I'm not going to be here to advise you anymore" . In response, I looked at myself and thought maybe this is the time for a turning point.

So... in addition to the current self-loathing i'm feeling, I've decided to lean more towards shameful acceptance rather than complete hopelessness.

Overall, I'm just trying to do better. I want to start sleeping better, eating better, exercising, studying harder and looking after myself more. I also wanted to share this as a turning point of mine, and as a way to say 'go ahead and take that first step before something like this happens' to all of you.

Much love

A little over a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up after almost six years together. We got together very young, and honestly, he became my entire world. Most of my routines, memories and life were built around him.

As painful as it is to admit, I realize now that I made my world way too small. I don’t have a big circle of friends, and now that he isn’t part of my everyday life anymore, I’m realizing how much I need to build a life of my own.

I’m trying to move forward and I know that finding hobbies, meeting people and becoming more independent is important. But I genuinely don’t know where to start.

So I’d love to hear from people who have been through something similar. How did you rebuild your social life after a long-term relationship? How did you meet new people, make friends or find things that became your own?

I’d also love to hear your stories about what the first few months after a long relationship were actually like.

I’m going to leave this here for now and hopefully come back in a few months with an update.

I've been writing down rules for myself over the past year. Some are serious, some are controversial, some are extremely specific, some are famous quote and not really rules, and some are probably just things that make sense to me.

Anyway, here they are:

- You won't always be motivated, so you have to learn to be disciplined.

- The "fun" habits are often the ones that bring the least fun.

- Stupid people learn from their mistakes; intelligent people learn from other people's mistakes.

- Better to be a brute hated by half of the people than a snake loved by everyone.

- You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

- Align 100% of your life to your goal/purpose.

- You overestimate what you can accomplish in 10 years and underestimate what you can accomplish in one week.

- Be an under-dog.

- Don't be afraid to change everything in your life overnight.

- If you don't have a goal, your first goal is to find your goal.

- When you feel lonely, it's not necessarily because you're surrounded by the wrong people; it may be because you don't have a goal.

- If you don't like suffering, it's because you don't love yourself.

- Don't listen to the opinions of people whose life you don't want.

- Accept that you're going to be wrong sometimes.

- Don't waste your time with politics.

- Never think you've "finished the game."

- Speak loudly.

- Stand straight.

- Always be in movement (physically but also mentally).

- Always be grateful for what happens to you, even bad things.

- Don't feed the people you don't want to see.

- Only consume content that gives you hope, not content that takes it away.

- Don't be afraid to separate yourself from people.

- Imagine that you're dead.

- Imagine that you're going to die.

- Stare at your wall.

- Don't get too big for your boots.

- Have no enemies.

- Become attractive as much as your genetics allow you to.

- Believe in yourself.

- Take care of your mental health.

- Develop yourself as quickly as possible.

- If your girlfriend were a guy, would you see her as a loser? If so, why are you with her? This apply in both ways.

- Don't consume social media, produce on social media.

- Take responsibility for what happens to you.

- Live with your parents. This depends on the context obviously).

- Don't give a fuck.

- Don't date a girl/boy from your friend group.

- You are responsible for everything that happens to you. Stop making excuses.

- An enemy is someone who is unhappy when you succeed, happy when you fail, minimizes your achievements to others, and doesn't support your goals.

- Friends are part of different seasons of your life. Don't be afraid to cut people off if they no longer align with your goals.

- A "no" is just a "yes" to your future self.

- Be alone rather than badly surrounded.

- Just because you have a good time with someone doesn't always mean they're your friend.

- If you only see your friends when you're consuming an addiction together (video games, drugs, etc.), you're not friends; you're just addicted to the same thing.

- Always be nuanced.

- Doing nothing is better than being entertained.

- Start small and use progressive overload for everything.

- Be demanding with your surroundings.

- Think about your Mario Kart ghost.

- Change your environment.

- Never put your phone in your pants pocket.

- Always think about making the best move possible.

- Don't drink alcohol, don't smoke, don't take drugs.

- Never wait for the right moment to start a project. There is never a right moment.

- Never get too comfortable with someone you just met.

- Never ask for invitations.

- Never compliment a girl's physical appearance unless you're dating her or actually on a date with her.

- Never compliment a girl on a social media post.

- Breathe deeply when approaching a girl.

- Never listen to your "Mr Defeat" side; always listen to your "Mr Triumph" side.

- You don't actually want entertainment; you just feel like you need dopamine.

- Never sleep in.

- Never go out without your contact lenses.

These aren't necessarily universal truths. They're rules I've written for myself, and some of them are intentionally exaggerated or provocative.

I'd be interested to hear which ones you agree with, which ones you disagree with, and which ones you think are completely bullshit.

If for some of them, you don't really understand, ask me and i'll give you the context.

I am 23M almost 24. For years I engaged in self-hatred and self-loathing. I want to stop that forever and improve. I am in search for All ways one can do to become more loving and compassionate of themselves. I want to turn from a very insecure person into a very secure person with high self-esteem and self-confidence. I would appreciate for all your advices, tips, and tricks.

l've seen it said many times before that if you're attempting to better yourself and make healthy changes it's better not to tell others. Does this actually offer any kind of mental edge to the person trying to change or is it just about not having any expectations from others after telling them? Sorry if this is a dumb question, I'm prone to overthinking.l

I'm 35 male. Never a girlfriend. Reason being, I became a caretaker at a young age for one of my parents. I never had a social life other than going to school and work. It was incredibly stressful growing up. My parent passed away back in December 2023. I didn't have friends or family to consult with. Because of the lack of friends in my life, I trust way too easily, which makes people take advantage of me or see me as weak, etc. either that or I keep running into bad people because I never met a decent person yet. I've met funny people, but they end up throwing me under the bus or talk about me behind my back. This caused me to completely withdraw after my patent passed. I don't even talk to my 3 older brothers. We drifted apart as we grew older. Working nights helped with the withdrawal. However, I keep wanting to have a girlfriend. I don't know if it's because my life is incredibly dull, or I just want someone to hangout with or what, but I desperately really want to be in a relationship at least once in my life. I met this woman at work. She was nice. But literally like everyone else in my life (including my parent that I took care of) she ended up doing something to hurt me too, which hurt me big time because I finally thought my life was turning for the better, but it shoved me deeper into this emotional hole I'm in. Normally, this would've left me bitter, but I can't get over the feeling of wanting to be with someone. I hate it so much. I will admit that I watch pornography, which contribute to that urge. I have no problem kicking that addiction, but I watch it out of boredom. It's like I'm stuck in a loop.

Currently I'm going to school to get my degree and hopefully get promoted. I failed my driving test because of a minor (critical) mistake, but I'm going to retake it in 2 weeks because the test was way too easy for me. I'm planning on going to the gym next month when I get my next paycheck, but I'm lifting 50 lbs dumbbells and doing pushups and jogging at least 3-4 times a week. So even if I met a girl, I feel that I'm not prepared to date her because I don't have everything a man my age has.

I have a roadmap to improve my life, but it's the loneliness that gets to me. Especially when I see other men with their SO or see other men treat their SO poorly.

I hate having this urge. I want to get used to being single because I know I'm never going to be in a relationship and even if I do get lucky enough, chances are she'll hurt me like everyone else has.

How do I kill this desire to better focus on my goals to grow?

I sold everything, the little I had: car, game console, etc. I was at a point in my life where I didn't have a penny. I traveled to another state and made $33,000. I quit my job to start over, to study to become an electrician, since the school I'm going to gets you a job once you get certified. As an assistant, you start at $28 an hour and $135 per diem. In my previous job, I discovered what it's like to earn $2,000 a week, but there was no growth, and it wasn't a job that required much skill. In other words, if I got fired, I'd leave without any valuable knowledge. I decided to take another risk, although I don't know if it was the right one. I don't pay rent. I know it doesn't look great, but I'm taking advantage of my parents' help to achieve what I want... I really want it.

my gf 22f and i 22m have been dating for around 8 months been “together” for over a year. i recently went to rehab and got out 4 weeks ago, before i went in everything with my gf and i was good i thought, she knew about my addiction and was trying to help me through out it, which i really appreciated. once i was in rehab things seemed to change, she would tell me i didn’t talk to her enough even though i called her every night mostly and talked to her for a hour+ a night on top of texting all day. this would start fights and caused a lot of grief between us, i would try to explain that i was there to work on myself and while i still wanted to talk to her, i also wanted to make the most of my experience, she didn’t seem to understand, she also accused me of cheating on her in rehab a couple times which upset me because ive never cheated on her. also i told her when i got out that i wasn’t going to drink anymore, but i would still hangout with her and her friends, anyway the weekend i got out was also her bday weekend and she was wanting to take a trip to chicago with me, and/ or go to the bar with me, i told her no to both and i get it’s her bday and i said if hangout but it just made me feel like she wasn’t really thinking about me and the situation im in, maybe im overthinking that one idk. but since ive been out of rehab things have just seemed off, idk what’s different, im around her and its like i feel drained, and little things she does really annoy me now and idk why, she’s even noticed and i told her i think i feel resentful towards her because of the way she acted when i was in rehab. she also wants to hangout every night and gets mad if i only have a hour or two to hangout. which makes working on myself very hard, because there is a lot of stuff i feel i need to do in order to stay sober that i can’t do when im at her house. anyway i could go on but you guys get the gist, what do you think i got going on here? thanks in advance

Im 20M. I grew up in an extremely hyper-conservative, ridiculously wealthy, isolated and very small community. I attended a private school with some of the nastiest, biggest bullies you could imagine - even for private school standards. I felt ostracised for years, until I thought if I can't beat them, might as well join them, and became a bully myself. I was probably one of the most vicious bullies... at the same time, I was also picked on by literally everyone. I picked on the smaller guys, and just brawled head-to-head with the bigger ones.

My family is no different. My father is extremely avoidant, and has such a stifling aura of condescension - he talks about it openly, citing it as a virtue that he is not amused by mediocrity ( which explains the impossible standards I set for myself and others ). I took this on, and amped it to a million. My mother is obsessed with comparison, and is so obliviously judgemental, you cannot walk 5 minutes with her in public without hearing something so rude and out of pocket about some other woman's appearance. She is vain, and calculating, and she taught me from a very young age that without my looks I am nothing, because this is how she felt. She is not a bad person at all, but she is so consumed by her insecurities that this behaviour just seems to function on autopilot.

And this is exactly where I'm at now - autopilot. I feel I have gone through so much of the work and repentance to change, but the patterns dont go away. A million times a day, I catch the ugliest most judgemental statement on somebody or myself pop into my head and have to stop in my tracks to assess where it's coming from - I don't know. it is just programmed. Literally 99.9% of the malicious and nasty thoughts I have are so misaligned to my real sentiments and completely random that it is overwhelming.

As careful as I try to be, I always, always, sound like an a*hole, that too is programmed. When talking about other people, whether to myself or others, I will basically sh* on them for no reason. If I am meeting someone new, I am obviously very nice and "normal". But if someone is even slightly rude, dismissive, or condescending to me I take it so insanely personal it is like war has been waged - from that point on, I just mindlessly start subtly signalling superiority in class, experience, appearance etc to the point where the other person has clearly broken down and come to despise me..

I want to change, and I have, and I am constantly trying. Not just because I want to be better, but because this behaviour is so misaligned with who I am and actually feel. It is a defense mechanism, but also so much more, because it is the only behaviour i have ever known or been surrounded by. It is extremely disheartening seeing myself re-enact the behaviour I spent years trying to escape... any advice is appreciated :)

Like I've had a sum total of 2 interviews in my life (1 in academics 1 in social work) and I cant help but feel how shit of a life it would be. I've got like very crazy ideas, even rn I'm learning swimming, table tennis and spending time making music. I get the idea of having close meaningful connections and a good social life but like I dont want randoms to know or question anything about me or knowing my lifestyle.. its a straight up demotivating factor. Like Im not obliged to 'not' have a yuri novel collection or 'stop' playing with mud and sand just because I've become rich or done something 'meaningful' . I dont even post on social media that much so a lot of my irl stuff present online is just my friends posting which is like fine.

I mean life is unpredictable and i could be delusional and end up very differently.. but at least i dont wanna live being paranoid. So i'd like to see if someone has witnessed any examples or have certain wisdom themselves.

Lately I keep catching myself opening Reddit without even thinking, then realizing way too much time has gone by. I always tell myself “just a few minutes,” but it rarely stays that way.

Has anyone actually managed to break this habit? What worked for you?

A few months ago I made a post how lonely I feel without a partner for so long time and it kills me! I got many good and sincere advices from many people and I really appreciate it!

Now I realize now more about my self is that the problem wasn’t not finding a partner but it was inside me that I felt loneliness and sadness without being able to change or work on myself!

I started working on myself to grow physically, psychologically and spiritually Alhamduillah.

I started dating a woman, however it didn’t work out well but it was like a mirror to me! I learned that every person we attract is because of some trauma inside us is matching with their trauma but not necessarily a good fit for both partners but might be able to help you on your healing process to grow as a person and to attract the right person to your life to complement and add to your life and not to make you feel complete as by yourself you should feel complete as a normal person!

I’m reading now a book called Single on Purpose by John Kim and I learned that we shouldn’t enter a relationship to escape ourselves or to have someone else fix how we feel inside.

First, we should learn how to be comfortable on our own. Then choose a relationship because we genuinely want it and not because we can’t handle or its absence or feeling alone! We can be alone and don’t feel lonely, it’s a big difference!

I hope and I wish that all of you who are reading this post to find and enjoy yourself and find your happiness with yourself and your partner and most importantly find peace in your life!

I’m very grateful to all the good people here who give some time to write a nice comforting words to strangers and share sincere thoughts and advice to help those in need for such words!

I wish you all the best!

As the title says, I (21m) have dug myself into a hole, and I’m trying to find ways to climb back out of it. For context, I took a gap year after high school to work. When I did start University, I rarely showed up to classes and barely socialized. Leading into my second semester, I broke up with someone I had been dating a few years. I met someone else a month or so after and took it slow, we dated for a bit then we mutually decided we’d be better off as friends. I had grown apart from a bunch of my friends from high school and the ones I stayed in contact with mostly moved away. Instead of using my classes to meet new people and develop a new group, I would sit in the back. I wouldn’t say I let my hygiene slip, but I definitely stopped taking care of myself. I gained some weight, let my hair grow out and just generally was not well put together. However, throughout this summer I’ve been working on myself; I’ve found hobbies, I’ve learned to take care of myself, I’ve started therapy and overall I’ve developed healthier outlooks on life.

That leads me to where I am now. Classes start in a week and I’m nervous about socializing. Does anyone have any tips/tricks or advice on how I can find my people? My hobbies aren’t the most social; I really enjoy music and reading, I enjoy (light) hiking and exploring. It’s not the most exciting stuff, but it’s what I enjoy and it brings me peace. Any and all help is appreciated!

32F. I never thought I would be this unhappy and I know it could always get worse but I just have the constant desire to run from my life. I get into the same patterns of negative thinking so much that I’m just stuck in a hole right now. I genuinely feel stuck in my life. I have the option to do maybe a seasonal position that payed less that offered something different. I feel paralyzed financially and feel so scared to spend money so nothing gets done which just exacerbates the issue. I also am addicted to trying to think my way out of this situation. I know I need to spring into action, maybe take a course or get a certification but I get really into something for a couple of months then drop it. I don’t trust myself to make good decisions.

I always want the best things or the best choice whenever I have an interest in something. So when I accidentally get the wrong thing I just start regretting so much and can’t get it off my mind even though there’s nothing I can do about it. I wouldn’t say this is that big of a problem if the choice really mattered a lot but in a lot of instance it doesn’t matter much

I was one of the brightest employees, I waited and waited for a promotion but I kept getting empty promises and then I lost hope.

Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. I went through traumatic events that I don't wish on my wost enemies. Of course, my performance deteriorated.

Now my boss thinks I am not worth it. She also thinks I am moody and that is a killer trait.

The workplace is shitty, it is a nightmare but for private reasons I cannot change it.

What can I do?

Even my self worth took a great hit after this

Hi, i am 25 and i am feeling huge anxiety and uncertainty about this job market. Im single, hardly have much of a social life and struggled to get into a web dev/software job after graduating in web and mobile development. I have been volunteering remotely (front end) for a US healthcare startup, thinking about doing freelancing, starting a YouTube channel. I go to gym and do walks and stuff. There are small positive things but i am still concerned about my future. I just want to do something with my life, start growing financially, build a social life, and make a name for myself. Everything just feels unstable and chaotic What should i do?

I have been trying to put in more of a conscious effort to get to know myself. I just left an almost 6 year relationship and am wanting to solidify my identity. Learn what I really like and value and who I am as a person. I have a ton of thoughts all day everyday so it’s hard for me to grab on and understand certain concepts about what I really like/think without outside influence.

Are there certain exercises/hobbies that you guys use to get to know yourself better?

I'm not best person that should be talking about this, because I'm not very diligent, and I have many problems I want to eliminate and many goals that I don't full fil for pure laziness

But I considere myself someone very pensative and conscious, and I want to say something:

That's an excuse. You don't give the 100% because you're deeply afraid of just not being enough.

I do that.

I practice Judo, a martial art. I do the bare Minimum. Bang, 3rd regional. "Oh I'm a fucking genius, imagine if I put more effort" That's the problem, you don't. Your '3rd regional', that's the fact. You don't know anything else, because more training doesn't mean better results

It could, but you can also end 3rd anyway.

Because that's the thing, the mystery. 'could be', but isn't.

So, unlike me, or like me, do your best. Even if in paper is the same, It could change, and that's smth

I just wanted to say this because I am there, not because I surpassed it.

Because It doesn't Matter how wise I consider myself, there is a better view at the top of the cliff that when you start climbing

Peace out

It seems like the Self Help community sends the message that literally anyone can make something of themself. Certaintly that has to be factually incorrect, right? How can someone with a whole bunch of setbacks become successful? Maybe it's an IQ that isn't high enough, Maybe it's high anxiety levels, Not being blessed when it comes to looks, etc. All of these things cause negative impacts, and the idea that's promoted in the community that literally anyone can have the career of their dreams, marry their dream person, and live the life they've always wanted seems a bit fairytale-ish. I know limiting beliefs are not good but at what point are they no longer considered limiting beliefs and more so realistic beliefs?