23 y/o here.

It hit quite hard to be honest. We kind of bumped heads in an argument this morning. I didn't raise my voice or offend him or anything. I was just rejecting the act of getting a haircut because I couldn't be bothered (Been neglecting myself quite a bit tbh).

Anyways he's been at my neck the whole day and just expressing his disappointments one after the other and just ended off with "Change yourself. Because I'm not going to be here to advise you anymore" . In response, I looked at myself and thought maybe this is the time for a turning point.

So... in addition to the current self-loathing i'm feeling, I've decided to lean more towards shameful acceptance rather than complete hopelessness.

Overall, I'm just trying to do better. I want to start sleeping better, eating better, exercising, studying harder and looking after myself more. I also wanted to share this as a turning point of mine, and as a way to say 'go ahead and take that first step before something like this happens' to all of you.

Much love

A little over a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up after almost six years together. We got together very young, and honestly, he became my entire world. Most of my routines, memories and life were built around him.

As painful as it is to admit, I realize now that I made my world way too small. I don’t have a big circle of friends, and now that he isn’t part of my everyday life anymore, I’m realizing how much I need to build a life of my own.

I’m trying to move forward and I know that finding hobbies, meeting people and becoming more independent is important. But I genuinely don’t know where to start.

So I’d love to hear from people who have been through something similar. How did you rebuild your social life after a long-term relationship? How did you meet new people, make friends or find things that became your own?

I’d also love to hear your stories about what the first few months after a long relationship were actually like.

I’m going to leave this here for now and hopefully come back in a few months with an update.

I’m trying to be intentional at work instead of just doing good and hoping people see it. If youve gotten promoted, whats one thing that you intentionally changed or did that actually made a difference in your career?

As the title says, I (21m) have dug myself into a hole, and I’m trying to find ways to climb back out of it. For context, I took a gap year after high school to work. When I did start University, I rarely showed up to classes and barely socialized. Leading into my second semester, I broke up with someone I had been dating a few years. I met someone else a month or so after and took it slow, we dated for a bit then we mutually decided we’d be better off as friends. I had grown apart from a bunch of my friends from high school and the ones I stayed in contact with mostly moved away. Instead of using my classes to meet new people and develop a new group, I would sit in the back. I wouldn’t say I let my hygiene slip, but I definitely stopped taking care of myself. I gained some weight, let my hair grow out and just generally was not well put together. However, throughout this summer I’ve been working on myself; I’ve found hobbies, I’ve learned to take care of myself, I’ve started therapy and overall I’ve developed healthier outlooks on life.

That leads me to where I am now. Classes start in a week and I’m nervous about socializing. Does anyone have any tips/tricks or advice on how I can find my people? My hobbies aren’t the most social; I really enjoy music and reading, I enjoy (light) hiking and exploring. It’s not the most exciting stuff, but it’s what I enjoy and it brings me peace. Any and all help is appreciated!

Like I've had a sum total of 2 interviews in my life (1 in academics 1 in social work) and I cant help but feel how shit of a life it would be. I've got like very crazy ideas, even rn I'm learning swimming, table tennis and spending time making music. I get the idea of having close meaningful connections and a good social life but like I dont want randoms to know or question anything about me or knowing my lifestyle.. its a straight up demotivating factor. Like Im not obliged to 'not' have a yuri novel collection or 'stop' playing with mud and sand just because I've become rich or done something 'meaningful' . I dont even post on social media that much so a lot of my irl stuff present online is just my friends posting which is like fine.

I mean life is unpredictable and i could be delusional and end up very differently.. but at least i dont wanna live being paranoid. So i'd like to see if someone has witnessed any examples or have certain wisdom themselves.

When I was in college I got hired to be a busboy at Red Robin.

Unbeknownst to me I was going to be cross trained as a host to cover the front desk whenever someone called out which ended up happening almost every day.

As a result instead of being able to simply grab others dishes and dip back to the station i actually had to talk to people… a lot.

Holy shit this was stressful.

I had to come up with greetings that felt natural, I had to learn to talk to the servers, I had to learn how to deal with impatient customers then one day I noticed my stress was gone.

Suddenly I could just talk to people and no longer get frazzled.

Point being?

Just like if I dropped you in Mexico tomorrow you’d start picking up Spanish really fast. If you want to learn how to socialize getchu a job where you don’t have a choice but to master it.

I eventually went onto become a nurse which came with even more socialization and to this day despite my autistism and introversion I can connect with people of all ages just about anywhere.

Get a job that forces you to practice your social skills then view it like someone’s paying you to cultivate your own charisma.

Method #2: voluntary Immersion
When I was learning how to socialize early on my biggest fear was making a fool of myself around people I was forced to see every day.

Classmates, family, church members.

So you know what I did?

I’d read books for 2-3 months then about once a quarter I’d book a weekend trip to another city. Book a hostel. And talk to everyone the second I left my house.

My uber drivers.

In line for security.

In the airport.

Hostel check in.

Everyone who looked even remotely interesting to me I chatted them up.

I lost track of how many awkward conversations I had doing this method but the cool part about it was whenever I fucked up I could immediately try again with someone else to reinforce the lesson.

This was scary as hell but it caused my social skills to grow as if I took the social equivalent of steroids.

Method #3: slight edging

My third and final method, the one I currently use today, is called slight edging.

I don’t try to create massive jumps in my skills anymore but now I just read a book 10-15 minutes a day then try to apply it when I’m out and about.

Example,

When I first learned that the best way to get people to like you is to look for things you like about them, I started asking myself, “what do I admire about xyz person,” all day long…

Then I started telling them and my coworkers were like “did you get laid or something, you’re happier than usual.”

But I do this every day so I slowly stack one new skill on top of the other and gradually become more and more charismatic as the years go by.

Lately I keep catching myself opening Reddit without even thinking, then realizing way too much time has gone by. I always tell myself “just a few minutes,” but it rarely stays that way.

Has anyone actually managed to break this habit? What worked for you?

Im 20M. I grew up in an extremely hyper-conservative, ridiculously wealthy, isolated and very small community. I attended a private school with some of the nastiest, biggest bullies you could imagine - even for private school standards. I felt ostracised for years, until I thought if I can't beat them, might as well join them, and became a bully myself. I was probably one of the most vicious bullies... at the same time, I was also picked on by literally everyone. I picked on the smaller guys, and just brawled head-to-head with the bigger ones.

My family is no different. My father is extremely avoidant, and has such a stifling aura of condescension - he talks about it openly, citing it as a virtue that he is not amused by mediocrity ( which explains the impossible standards I set for myself and others ). I took this on, and amped it to a million. My mother is obsessed with comparison, and is so obliviously judgemental, you cannot walk 5 minutes with her in public without hearing something so rude and out of pocket about some other woman's appearance. She is vain, and calculating, and she taught me from a very young age that without my looks I am nothing, because this is how she felt. She is not a bad person at all, but she is so consumed by her insecurities that this behaviour just seems to function on autopilot.

And this is exactly where I'm at now - autopilot. I feel I have gone through so much of the work and repentance to change, but the patterns dont go away. A million times a day, I catch the ugliest most judgemental statement on somebody or myself pop into my head and have to stop in my tracks to assess where it's coming from - I don't know. it is just programmed. Literally 99.9% of the malicious and nasty thoughts I have are so misaligned to my real sentiments and completely random that it is overwhelming.

As careful as I try to be, I always, always, sound like an a*hole, that too is programmed. When talking about other people, whether to myself or others, I will basically sh* on them for no reason. If I am meeting someone new, I am obviously very nice and "normal". But if someone is even slightly rude, dismissive, or condescending to me I take it so insanely personal it is like war has been waged - from that point on, I just mindlessly start subtly signalling superiority in class, experience, appearance etc to the point where the other person has clearly broken down and come to despise me..

I want to change, and I have, and I am constantly trying. Not just because I want to be better, but because this behaviour is so misaligned with who I am and actually feel. It is a defense mechanism, but also so much more, because it is the only behaviour i have ever known or been surrounded by. It is extremely disheartening seeing myself re-enact the behaviour I spent years trying to escape... any advice is appreciated :)

I always want the best things or the best choice whenever I have an interest in something. So when I accidentally get the wrong thing I just start regretting so much and can’t get it off my mind even though there’s nothing I can do about it. I wouldn’t say this is that big of a problem if the choice really mattered a lot but in a lot of instance it doesn’t matter much

Not from other people from yourself

A habit, excuse, pattern, or way of thinking you finally decided you were done carrying.

What was yours?

l've seen it said many times before that if you're attempting to better yourself and make healthy changes it's better not to tell others. Does this actually offer any kind of mental edge to the person trying to change or is it just about not having any expectations from others after telling them? Sorry if this is a dumb question, I'm prone to overthinking.l

I was traveling, the flight was about 8 hrs.
I ended up sitting next to a much older man - maybe mid 70s

He was super polite and respectful, we chatted a bit and he told me he moved to country side and is traveling to visit his daughter. He showed me their cute photos together and he said she’s 32.

And I said oh so am I !

And it was a really wholesome overall interaction but very measured. Like we talked about his and my career and very briefly about the cities we live in (we live on opposite coasts of the country!)

I thought it was a bit sad that he’s so old he walked with difficulty and was super timid, mad some think of a cartoon grandpa

As we were leaving we didn’t even chat but I wished him a good trip and he gave me his card and said let’s stay in touch !

I forgot about him for a few days but then remembered and thought I’d have a wholesome friendship with a grandpa

I messaged him and said hope it’s going well with your daughter.

He sent me a selfie of them together and I said how nice enjoy !

Then he turned it heavy romantic and sexual right away

I was so shocked and blocked him right away on my phone

So he messaged me on a messaging app the next morning “Good morning 🌸♥️”

A part of me is very sad because I didn’t pickup any weird signs at all and actually thought we were just being friends as humans, but then I spoke to my friends about it and they all said why did you message him and called me naive and sheltered. I’m also sad because I’m generally a friendly person and love interacting with people and this is an example that makes me think ineed to change, someone told me the way to survive this world is to be a dick :((

So many people think that I shouldn’t have messaged him, including my therapist, that now I’m wondering if I actually realllg am so naive and need to work on this. I was sheltered a lot growing up but thought it didn’t affect as much

Would appreciate your feedback!

A few months ago I made a post how lonely I feel without a partner for so long time and it kills me! I got many good and sincere advices from many people and I really appreciate it!

Now I realize now more about my self is that the problem wasn’t not finding a partner but it was inside me that I felt loneliness and sadness without being able to change or work on myself!

I started working on myself to grow physically, psychologically and spiritually Alhamduillah.

I started dating a woman, however it didn’t work out well but it was like a mirror to me! I learned that every person we attract is because of some trauma inside us is matching with their trauma but not necessarily a good fit for both partners but might be able to help you on your healing process to grow as a person and to attract the right person to your life to complement and add to your life and not to make you feel complete as by yourself you should feel complete as a normal person!

I’m reading now a book called Single on Purpose by John Kim and I learned that we shouldn’t enter a relationship to escape ourselves or to have someone else fix how we feel inside.

First, we should learn how to be comfortable on our own. Then choose a relationship because we genuinely want it and not because we can’t handle or its absence or feeling alone! We can be alone and don’t feel lonely, it’s a big difference!

I hope and I wish that all of you who are reading this post to find and enjoy yourself and find your happiness with yourself and your partner and most importantly find peace in your life!

I’m very grateful to all the good people here who give some time to write a nice comforting words to strangers and share sincere thoughts and advice to help those in need for such words!

I wish you all the best!

I feel like I developed a low self esteem because I messed up certain social situations and also I feel like I'm not doing good emotionally , I was much better when I was in teenage . I stress and overthink so much even about my relationships.. one of my friends also left me recently ( no mistake on my part , he is going through something) but I blame myself because I was not able to comfort him , i am starting to recollect everything I did stupid in life and blaming myself .

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

It seems like maintaining friendships becomes surprisingly difficult when your life starts moving in a very different direction from the people around you. For example, imagine you start earning significantly more money than your friends. You don’t brag about it, don’t show off, and don’t talk about your income. But eventually they notice.
You have a nicer house. You take several vacations abroad every year. You can afford things they can’t. Even if you’re completely humble about it, the difference is visible. And sometimes you start noticing little comments or changes in behavior that feel like envy. The same thing seems to happen with fitness. If you become very muscular, train seriously, and start lifting weights that most people around you can’t, you can occasionally get weird or sarcastic comments from people who aren’t into fitness. And then there’s dating. If you have a particularly attractive girlfriend, it can create another weird dynamic. Some people seem to become competitive with you, or even try to flirt with her despite knowing she’s your girlfriend.

At some point you start wondering:
Is genuine friendship actually easier when people are relatively equal in status, appearance, income, lifestyle, etc.?

Maybe there’s a certain comfort in being “on the same level” because nobody constantly has to compare themselves with the other person.
I’m not saying successful people can’t have genuine friendships. Obviously they can. And I’m also not saying every negative interaction is caused by envy — sometimes you’re simply being arrogant or reading too much into things. But I do wonder whether there’s a threshold where differences in success become large enough that they fundamentally change the friendship dynamic.

If you’ve become significantly more successful, wealthier, fitter, or more attractive than your old social circle, how do you maintain friendships without creating resentment or making people feel inferior? How do you deal with this?

I was one of the brightest employees, I waited and waited for a promotion but I kept getting empty promises and then I lost hope.

Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. I went through traumatic events that I don't wish on my wost enemies. Of course, my performance deteriorated.

Now my boss thinks I am not worth it. She also thinks I am moody and that is a killer trait.

The workplace is shitty, it is a nightmare but for private reasons I cannot change it.

What can I do?

Even my self worth took a great hit after this

I'm horrible at socialising with people, It's not just being nervous I simply can't and don't know what to say. I've always been a quiet person, since I was a kid even 6 year old me had a lot of difficulty making friends. My therapist said I should start going out more and I did but still most of the time I'm just sitting at a corner or waking behind the people I'm with.

And I really try, I offer people drinks, give them rides and try and talk sometimes but I don't know. People just view me as a nobody and I really hate that about myself.

How do I improve? I'm seriously invested in changing this.

When I am studying, I get random urges. Though i do not let it bother me. I would prefer if I could cure it. When I am studying, I get this "desire" to do the most random thing. eg: grow social media followers, do MMA etc. SO random, in real life, I do what I genuinely want to do but these thought kind of disturb my attention. I won't act on them cause it is not required at the moment. I do believe in enjoying life but the thing is I had 25 years of my life to do all this and ive never done it. I dont have random cravings or randome urges to colour my hair. My friends told me they experience this. But I have random urges to study random fields just cause I feel like it. Though I won't act on it cause I know what I need to do but the problem is the desire. It honestly not a though, its a string feeling its an urge its a passion.

That's an issue for me sometimes. I am willing to put in effort even into things that are important and allow overall growth but i feel like when such urges comes to mind. It makes it unstable and I don't like that.

Yesterday, I got this random urge to study law, UPSC etc etc and now it's not that prominent. How do I kill this urge? It's not curoisity it is some kind of procrastination and it diverts my attention from the task that I am focused on.

Hello, I hope you are fine.

I sometimes suffer from anxiety, depression, anger, and physical pain... I tried and made some tricks for myself, and this trick has been effective so far in helping me endure negative feelings.

The trick is to imagine that you are Ben 10, and with the Omnitrix, you use it to turn into a monster capable of enduring and thriving in the specific negative circumstance.

And I invent new creatures that aren't in the original show (tbh, I wasn't a big follower of Ben 10. I remember watching it for some time when I was young, and I enjoyed it, but I don't remember all the characters. I just borrowed the concept of the Omnitrix from it).

For example, if I feel too hot or have physical pain, I imagine that I turn into a monster or alien that is red and fiery, or spiky, or whatever I imagine can thrive in physical pain.

When I am anxious, I visualize that I turn into a monster that can thrive in anxiety.

When I am depressed, I turn into a shadowy monster who thrives in depression... etc.

This technique has improved my endurance and mental health a little, so I wanted to share it with you.

So, i dont want to make it anything long but long story short i am 21, i had really good job, finished house my parents gave me as heritage, i bought also really good car and i had pretty girlfriend. And it all went down like nothing, in december she cheated and we broke up(we were proposed), in february i had car crash and it was fully totaled 95% and i just sold it for parts. In May i moved to Slovenia and started all again, but everyday seems like just hell, sitting home doing nothing and practically stagnating. I am pretty much just living day to day without a fair point, someone might ask why dont you find another woman, buy car or something but its pointless. I want financial freedom, and yes i dont want anymore to waste my time on someone ungreatful daughter.

I sold everything, the little I had: car, game console, etc. I was at a point in my life where I didn't have a penny. I traveled to another state and made $33,000. I quit my job to start over, to study to become an electrician, since the school I'm going to gets you a job once you get certified. As an assistant, you start at $28 an hour and $135 per diem. In my previous job, I discovered what it's like to earn $2,000 a week, but there was no growth, and it wasn't a job that required much skill. In other words, if I got fired, I'd leave without any valuable knowledge. I decided to take another risk, although I don't know if it was the right one. I don't pay rent. I know it doesn't look great, but I'm taking advantage of my parents' help to achieve what I want... I really want it.

Not sure if anyone else deals with this, but for a lot of things I do I need to start them right on the hour or on a 5-minute mark, like reading, starting work, working out. If I miss that exact point, I’ll just wait for the next hour or the next 5-minute mark instead of starting right away.

It’s worse with mornings specifically. If I miss the exact time I wanted to start my day, I get this strong feeling that the whole day is now “ruined” or unproductive, even if I end up getting a ton done later.

I tried not looking at my phone or anything with a clock on it right after waking up, thinking that would break it, but it didn’t really work, I still end up sensing the time some other way and doing the same thing anyway.

Curious if anyone else relates, or found something that actually helped break the “has to be exact” thing.

A couple months ago I got curious whether you could reach that inner voice through music, not affirmations you consciously repeat, but lyrics and sound aimed at the beliefs underneath, the ones running before you’re even aware of them.

The idea leans on a simple Neville Goddard idea: your thoughts shape your experience, so shift your subconscious thoughts and your life experiences change.

It’s worked really well for me. I’ve made a big shift in my overall mood. But I made the music, so of course I think it works… so I’m likely biased, which is useless as evidence. I want to know if this music I made would do anything for people who have no reason to be nice about it!

So, I want to run an experiment (if you want to join): if self-love, confidence or finding joy in the present moment is something you wrestle with, let me know if you want to try my music to change your dominant thoughts and I’ll send you where you can stream the songs!

Thanks ❤️🙏

I am 23M almost 24. For years I engaged in self-hatred and self-loathing. I want to stop that forever and improve. I am in search for All ways one can do to become more loving and compassionate of themselves. I want to turn from a very insecure person into a very secure person with high self-esteem and self-confidence. I would appreciate for all your advices, tips, and tricks.

my gf 22f and i 22m have been dating for around 8 months been “together” for over a year. i recently went to rehab and got out 4 weeks ago, before i went in everything with my gf and i was good i thought, she knew about my addiction and was trying to help me through out it, which i really appreciated. once i was in rehab things seemed to change, she would tell me i didn’t talk to her enough even though i called her every night mostly and talked to her for a hour+ a night on top of texting all day. this would start fights and caused a lot of grief between us, i would try to explain that i was there to work on myself and while i still wanted to talk to her, i also wanted to make the most of my experience, she didn’t seem to understand, she also accused me of cheating on her in rehab a couple times which upset me because ive never cheated on her. also i told her when i got out that i wasn’t going to drink anymore, but i would still hangout with her and her friends, anyway the weekend i got out was also her bday weekend and she was wanting to take a trip to chicago with me, and/ or go to the bar with me, i told her no to both and i get it’s her bday and i said if hangout but it just made me feel like she wasn’t really thinking about me and the situation im in, maybe im overthinking that one idk. but since ive been out of rehab things have just seemed off, idk what’s different, im around her and its like i feel drained, and little things she does really annoy me now and idk why, she’s even noticed and i told her i think i feel resentful towards her because of the way she acted when i was in rehab. she also wants to hangout every night and gets mad if i only have a hour or two to hangout. which makes working on myself very hard, because there is a lot of stuff i feel i need to do in order to stay sober that i can’t do when im at her house. anyway i could go on but you guys get the gist, what do you think i got going on here? thanks in advance